0:00
So how do we get this secure the secure
0:03
attachment style of of connection? And
0:06
this is really rooted in our early
0:07
childhood. Secure attachment typically
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develops really in the first few years
0:12
of life like between the ages of zero
0:13
and three. We kind of have a good
0:16
understanding about if a child is going
0:19
to become securely attached because the
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brain and the nervous system are rapidly
0:23
forming during those years. And if we
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have highly attuned, emotionally present
0:29
parents or or at least one parent who's
0:31
like that, children have a much better
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opportunity to become securely attached.
0:37
And their experience really is developed
0:40
because they've had consistent
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responsiveness. Their caregivers uh
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respond to distress with comfort and
0:47
attunement. They don't get so upset
0:50
because of their own distress when a
0:51
child needs them that they can be
0:53
present and grounded. And when children
0:55
are upset up till like the age of six
0:58
months, they can't regulate themselves.
1:00
They need a co-regulator in a parent or
1:02
a caregiver. And so if a parent can't do
1:04
that, the child is in distress. And so
1:07
to have secure attachment, we need a
1:08
really grounded sense of attunement and
1:10
comfort by our caregiver. There's a
1:12
consistent sense of emotional safety.
1:15
The child will feel seen, soothed,
1:18
supported, like they're a priority, like
1:20
they matter. And this again helps to
1:23
develop the neuropathways that
1:25
contribute to a securely attached sense
1:27
of self. Another key factor, and this is
1:29
why all the parenting books and
1:31
parenting podcasts that you hear about
1:34
talk about consistency because
1:36
predictability and routines help a child
1:39
create a sense of security. the
1:42
predictability of emotional presence, of
1:44
structure, of what a child can expect in
1:47
their environment help to create a sense
1:49
of stability. And so those things keep
1:52
the nervous system more balanced. And so
1:55
those are reasons why, you know, we talk
1:57
about those needs being important for
2:00
children because we want uh the best
2:02
opportunity at developing a securely
2:04
attached sense of self. Now something
2:05
that most parents know about is
2:08
encouraging encouraging of exploration
2:11
of trying new things and this the
2:14
caregiver can be a secure enough base
2:16
for the child to go explore the world
2:18
and come back for a sense of comfort and
2:20
then go explore new things and come
2:22
back. And so when a parent can offer
2:24
that a child will feel trust that their
2:28
needs will be met. They'll feel safe
2:30
when they express their emotions as if
2:32
their experience matters to the
2:34
caregiver and as a result they develop a
2:37
sense of self-worth and ultimately
2:39
confidence and that confidence is really
2:40
the foundation for the secure
2:42
attachment. So let me give you an
2:44
example and I talked a little bit about
2:46
it but if a baby cries and a caregiver
2:48
picks up the baby and soothes them stays
2:51
present over time the baby learns I
2:55
matter. I'm safe. I can trust.
