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What do you do when the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally… cut you off?” 💔
Mar 22, 2026
Explore how adult children can cope with parental rejection, navigate the pain, and begin healing.
This conversation is for anyone who’s felt abandoned, judged, or isolated by the people they expected to have in their corner.
Watch full video here: https://youtu.be/zcPF29uyzDc
#therapy #mentalhealth #parentalrejection #adultchildren #familyestrangement #healingjourney #attachmentwounds
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0:00
I've got with me Sammy who will be
0:02
joining us today and uh she likes to sit
0:05
next to me when I'm working. So, we
0:06
decided not to fight it. So, she may
0:08
hang out, she may leave. We'll see what
0:10
happens. As we move forward today, we're
0:12
going to discuss, like I said, this
0:13
painful topic of when, you know, parents
0:16
cut off their adult children. And I have
0:17
to thank one of our audience members who
0:20
commented that it wasn't fair that I
0:22
didn't talk about the other side of the
0:23
show. We did a show where kids are adult
0:26
children estrange from their own parents
0:28
and I talked about that in a show but I
0:30
didn't talk about when it happens the
0:32
other way around and I thanked her and I
0:33
said let's do it. So here's the
0:35
accompanying episode for that concept
0:37
because it's not just kids that cut off
0:39
their parents. It's also adults that
0:41
sometimes do the same thing. And for
0:44
those of you who are new to the show, I
0:46
appreciate you tuning in. This show is
0:47
all about helping people understand how
0:50
behavior affects us and different things
0:52
around adaptability and human behavior.
0:55
And so I want you to sit with this when
0:57
you think about this and let me know
0:59
what happens to you. I want you to
1:01
contemplate something. What happens when
1:03
the people who taught you what love was
1:06
decide that your choices make you
1:07
unworthy of love? This is a really
1:10
painful experience that I often hear in
1:12
my practice. And the messages when an
1:15
adult or a parent cuts off a child or or
1:18
is critical or intermittently
1:20
unsupportive, what we learn is that our
1:22
love is conditional and our worth is
1:24
conditional. And so if you're an adult
1:26
child who's been cut off, emotionally
1:28
abandoned, or you know, condemned by a
1:31
parent or a caregiver for the choices
1:32
that you've made, especially under the
1:35
banner of love or values or faith, then
1:38
you're going to really get a lot out of
1:39
this show. And today we're going to talk
1:42
about why parents sometimes cut off
1:44
adult children. How sometimes religion
1:46
or fear and control can get intertwined
1:50
and sometimes misguided. And what often
1:53
goes unspoken in these decisions. We're
1:55
going to talk about how adult children
1:56
can attempt repair without abandoning
1:58
themselves. What we mean by this is we
2:01
don't want to have to shapeshift in
2:03
order to fit into the lives of the
2:04
people that are supposed to love us
2:06
unconditionally. And we're going to talk
2:08
about when repair isn't possible, how to
2:10
grieve, how to let go and still fully
2:13
live even in the absence of the people
2:15
that we really wanted to be in our
2:17
corner and be supportive. So, this is a
2:20
tender conversation. It is not full of a
2:22
lot of joy and happiness, but it is
2:24
unfortunately something that a lot of
2:26
people experience. And so, I want you to
2:28
know that you're not alone in this. And
2:30
so, oftentimes this happens gradual or
2:33
not suddenly. And we want to really get
2:37
honest and transparent about naming the
2:39
experience of being cut off from a
2:41
family member. So when parents cut off
2:44
adult children, the pain is often quiet.
2:46
It's isolating and a lot of times
2:49
invisible. There's and there's no road
2:51
map for this grief. There's no sympathy
2:53
cards. There's no really right thing to
2:55
say if this is something that has
2:57
happened to you. The adult child often
3:00
experiences attachment injury. You know,
3:02
these are the people that were supposed
3:04
to be in our corner come rain or shine
3:06
and thick and thin. And when they don't,
3:08
it's really damaging to us. Sometimes we
3:11
can end up in shame or self-lame. If
3:13
this has happened, there can be
3:15
spiritual confusion, especially if the
3:17
abandonment or estrangement is under the
3:19
guise of of of faith or religion. And
3:21
that can create a lot of betrayal,
3:23
trauma related to faith itself as well
3:25
as the family system from which people
3:27
come. And there's definitely a profound
3:31
sense of being emotionally orphaned. You
3:33
know, it's one thing to move on and
3:36
leave the nest and come up with our own
3:39
path in life as we become adult
3:40
children, but it's another thing when
3:43
our family doesn't support the choices
3:45
that we make. And as a parent of several
3:48
adult children, what I can say is that
3:51
is really hard sometimes to watch from
3:53
the sidelines as our children make
3:55
choices that, you know, we can see may
3:57
cause pain or be difficult to handle.
4:00
And I can really resonate with parents
4:02
who want to white knuckle the decisions
4:05
that their kids are making. But the
4:07
fastest way to alienate them is to try
4:10
to control the behavior that they have.
4:12
I once had a client that said, you know,
4:14
it's not just that my parents stopped
4:16
talking to me. It's that they decided I
4:18
wasn't even worth saving or that I
4:20
wasn't worth loving when the decisions I
4:22
made didn't align with what they want.
4:24
And that kind of loss doesn't just hurt.
4:26
It reorganizes how someone understands
4:29
love and belonging and safety. And so,
4:32
it's really critical when this happens.
4:35
And I got to say that I've had many
4:37
adults on my case load, other people
4:38
that I've listened to talk about this
4:40
and many parents feel justified in
4:43
cutting off their children. I can't
4:45
really understand this from a parent
4:47
perspective. I can understand
4:49
boundaries. I can understand the need to
4:51
maybe create some distance if our
4:53
children are making decisions that are
4:55
hard to watch and they're not interested
4:57
in our honest or authentic feedback. But
5:00
it's a complex matter and most parents
5:03
don't experience their decision as
5:05
cruelty. They experience it as
5:08
righteousness or protection or kind of
5:11
the idea that they're obedient. And
5:14
especially if something like religion is
5:16
involved and some of the most common
5:18
reasons that parents may cut off adult
5:20
children are many, but the ones that
5:22
I've heard the most are usually related
5:25
to religious fear that's framed as love.
5:27
Some belief systems parents are taught
5:29
that their child's choices endanger
5:31
their soul and that if they tolerate or
5:34
support a child's choices that it equals
5:37
endorsement. And I think that there's a
5:40
common misnomer around acceptance with
5:43
something and not necessarily meaning
5:45
that we agree with it. And I think that
5:47
parents who are struggling with this, I
5:49
hope you hear me, we cannot agree with a
5:51
decision that our children make and
5:53
still love them. So we can tolerate
5:55
something because we love the person and
5:57
not tolerate a choice or a behavior.
5:59
Some people also believe that continuing
6:02
you know the relationship equals
6:04
spiritual failure and somehow they will
6:06
be judged in the afterlife related to
6:08
that. So I want to share with you a
6:11
family system that I experienced this
6:13
with and a parent said something almost
6:15
directly like you know I love you too
6:18
much to support a lifestyle that will
6:20
send you to hell. And what follows for
6:23
that child is pain, as pressure, feeling
6:27
condemnation, the, you know, the prayer
6:29
campaigns that that follow in groups
6:31
with the parents, ultimatums, and then
6:34
eventually silence when the child
6:36
doesn't comply are an incredibly painful
6:39
process because the child leaves, you
6:41
know, feeling unheard, unseen, unwanted,
6:43
and really lacking in witness to their
6:46
experience. But from the parents nervous
6:49
system, this feels like some kind of
6:50
moral duty.
#People & Society