0:00
The next thing that comes up often is is
0:03
the idea of control, which is disguised
0:05
as boundaries. For those of you who
0:07
struggle with boundaries and are using
0:09
the word boundaries, I recommend that
0:11
you check out my episode on boundaries
0:13
because a lot of people are getting this
0:15
concept wrong. And boundaries always
0:17
have to have a doorway for connection.
0:20
And if they don't, or a pathway for
0:22
connection, if they don't, they're
0:23
really a wall and we can't call them
0:24
what they're not. Some parents confuse
0:27
boundaries with compliance. So if you
0:29
don't live according to what I want or
0:32
my beliefs or the way I raised you, then
0:33
I can't have a relationship with you.
0:35
And that's not a boundary. That's
0:37
conditional attachment, a conditional
0:39
affection and conditional love. And if a
0:42
parent refuses to attend like a wedding
0:45
or meet a partner or acknowledge
0:47
grandchildren unless the adult child
0:49
repents, this is really an abuse, a
0:52
spiritual abuse, an emotional abuse. And
0:54
if this has happened to you, again, I am
0:56
so very sorry for your pain and for your
0:58
experience. Often times there's there's
1:01
a lot of unprocessed disappointment and
1:03
grief from the parents perspective
1:05
related to their dreams and their goals
1:08
and their desires for their child. And
1:10
when then they see their children grow
1:12
up and not fit the mold that they had
1:14
imagined that they would they would fall
1:16
into, they often grieve the child that
1:19
they didn't imagined.
1:22
And they don't name that grief. And so
1:24
they don't have a way to say or explain
1:26
or express their experience. And I
1:29
believe that most adult children really
1:32
do want parents of adult children really
1:34
do want to be in a relationship with
1:37
their children that becomes, you know,
1:39
symbiotic and in a in a more of a
1:41
friendship manner as they age out of our
1:44
need and our care, our required care.
1:47
But they don't have the skills to say
1:48
things like, "I'm scared. I don't know
1:50
what to do with my fear. I don't know
1:52
how to reconcile, you know, my beliefs
1:54
with my love for you and I feel this
1:56
internal conflict. So instead of
1:58
learning how to address that or deal
2:00
with it, they withdraw and then silence
2:02
becomes the solution to this internal
2:04
conflict. And this doesn't help the
2:06
child and it certainly doesn't help the
2:08
adult, but it comes with a lot of
2:10
damage. And so what often goes unspoken
2:14
is what we're going to talk about now.
2:16
And there's a tragedy here because many
2:18
parents never even communicate their
2:20
actual needs, their actual fears, their
2:23
recognition of failed expectations. They
2:26
don't say, "I'm afraid I failed you," or
2:28
"I'm afraid that, you know, I've fallen
2:31
short," or that, you know, you wouldn't
2:33
have strayed if I had done more to be
2:36
there for you. They don't know how to
2:37
say, "I don't know how to love you and
2:39
still belong to my community." The fear
2:41
I have of the judgment around me, you
2:44
know, paralyzes me. They don't know how
2:45
to say those things. Sometimes people
2:48
have this feeling of that they're going
2:50
to be punished by God. And they don't
2:52
know how to say, "I'm scared that God
2:54
will punish me if I stay close to you."
2:56
Because it's like abandoning my faith or
