Up next in 10
We discuss emotional avoidance, hard conversations, perfectionism, boundaries, and the stories we tell ourselves to stay comfortable instead of changing.
Growth often requires choosing discomfort on purpose.
Because healing isn’t about becoming perfect, it’s about becoming more honest, intentional, and self-aware.
Watch full episode here: https://youtu.be/NrpNhqVIa4I
#MentalHealth #Healing #SelfGrowth #Boundaries #adaptablebehaviorexplained
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their work, their relationships in the
0:01
topic of healing and you know the choice
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to go to therapy, to meditate, to cold
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plunge, to sauna, to you know read, to
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turn off their cell phones, to get off
0:15
social media. All these things that pull
0:17
us away from our best selves or lean us
0:19
toward that if we choose that I think
0:21
are really a daily choice. So
0:23
>> it is. Well, I know what gets in the way
0:25
for me most often is thinking that I
0:28
have more time to make a different
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choice. I'm like, today me, I'm okay
0:33
with how things are. Things are okay
0:35
enough where I don't feel enough
0:38
discomfort to be urged to make a
0:40
different choice, but I also have it in
0:43
the back of my mind that I wish things
0:44
were maybe better or different in
0:45
various ways, but that's a issue for
0:48
tomorrow me. And so, that's what I face
0:50
most often. um in so many areas,
0:54
fitness, mindfulness, various issues,
0:58
eating choices, various things around
1:00
just kind of wellness and
1:02
>> substance use is a huge one that people
1:04
struggle with, you know, regularly
1:06
>> uh as far as what's too much, what's
1:08
impulsive, what's what's being done to
1:11
feel a better way, what's being done to
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avoid a bad way that we're feeling.
1:15
>> Yeah. Substances encompassing sugar,
1:17
too, I think, is one of the that's my
1:19
biggie. And I think it's something
1:21
that's overlooked a lot. It's something
1:23
that's I think socially become really
1:24
acceptable to turn to.
1:27
>> Whereas, you know, it's it's incredibly
1:29
addictive and really one of those things
1:31
that's most harmful in the long run.
1:33
>> Sure.
1:33
>> I think it's alcohol for the poison
1:35
number one and sugar for the poison
1:37
number two when it comes to like
1:38
long-term damage on our bodies and
1:40
whatnot.
1:40
>> So, where do you see areas where people
1:44
>> most regularly are trying to opt out of
1:47
hard? You know, I mean, I think we're
1:48
looking for the easy button. We're
1:50
looking to find peace. I air quote that
1:52
on purpose because I think, you know,
1:53
especially as into stoicism as I have
1:56
been lately.
1:57
>> I don't think that's the agenda. I think
1:59
that's the desired outcome, the absence
2:02
of anxiety or whatever.
2:03
>> Absolutely.
2:04
>> I think one of the one of the main areas
2:07
where this shows up, and you've talked
2:08
about this a bit on the podcast, is
2:10
people confusing boundaries with walls.
2:12
Yeah. in saying I don't want to have the
2:15
hard conflict with my family members,
2:17
with my friends, with the people in my
2:19
life to figure out how do we interact in
2:22
a way that's healthier and supports what
2:24
I'm comfortable with but also maintains
2:26
a relationship. And so they say that
2:28
they're putting up boundaries when in
2:29
fact it's a wall to avoid the hard of
2:33
kind of having to rumble with,
2:36
>> you know, having having conflict for
2:38
various ways.
2:39
>> And I mean I think we make up stories.
2:41
What do you think the story that someone
2:43
is doing that they're they're avoiding
2:44
the hard conversation? They're avoiding
2:47
the potential conflict, the lack of
2:50
ability to manage conflict resolution in
2:52
their own skill sets or their doubt in
2:54
the other person that they can like
2:57
let's say, you know, I'm someone who
2:58
thinks I can go manage this conflict
3:00
conversation, but then I don't think you
3:03
can, whoever the you is. But I'm
3:05
curious, what do you think the stories
3:06
people make up that they tell themselves
3:08
that justifies the avoidance on this
3:10
topic specifically?
3:12
>> Oh, so many different stories. I mean, I
3:14
get to hear them a lot from clients and
3:17
I know that I have probably a handful
3:19
that I make up for myself too around
3:21
this. Let me think on ones that come up.
3:24
Is there any that are ready for your
3:25
mind? Well, I even I even was thinking
3:28
about something, you know, in our in my
3:31
personal life recently where, you know,
3:33
there was a kind of a strange
3:35
conversation that happened via text,
3:36
which I mean, I always joke that we
3:38
could have an entire business book uh
3:40
like a book of business on just
3:42
miscommunication with text,
3:43
misunderstanding with text, or honestly
3:46
the impulsivity that happens when I'm
3:48
feeling an emotion and if I go to send a
3:52
text and it's this long and then I send
3:54
a follow-up that's this long, I'm like,
3:56
"Oh, they're activated. There's no way
3:58
they're not because it's too impulsive
4:00
and it's not thought out and it
4:02
generally matches pitch." Like, there's
4:03
a projected element of that message.
4:06
>> But there was an there was a thing that
4:08
happened with um with with someone in
4:10
our lives where there was this that very
4:13
thing happened where there was like this
4:14
delivery of of texts that were was full
4:17
of quite a bit of an emotion, you know,
4:19
and I'm very generous assumption. I want
4:21
to go and address it and be like, what's
4:23
going on here? Even though projections
4:25
were blaming, accusatory, pretty pretty
4:28
unkind,
4:30
I could see that it was coming from a
4:32
place of hurt, you know, and my stance
4:33
is like,
4:35
>> let's go be curious, open, and and check
4:37
into it. And my husband's like, you
4:39
don't have to put up with that if people
4:41
are so irresponsible with their
4:43
emotional experience. I don't have to.
4:45
And I'm like, that's true, but they
4:46
wouldn't even necessarily know that that
4:48
was your emotional experience if you
4:49
don't first go and say that. So, you
4:52
know, that that would be an example of I
4:54
would say choosing
4:55
>> right
4:56
>> choosing my heart is like I don't have
4:58
to. And I'm like, but what's the cost to
5:00
me? That's not necessarily the best
5:02
communication. And at the same point,
5:05
you know, he's not wrong.
5:06
>> It kind of the phrase that I think is
5:09
really kind of unhealthy, but is is kind
5:11
of thrown around often that, you know,
5:13
if you can't handle me at my worst, you
5:15
don't deserve me at my best. And I think
5:17
that that is something that comes into
5:19
play too of people.
5:20
>> That's a cop out. Don't you think
5:21
>> it absolutely is
5:23
>> But people will or you know this is just
5:25
how I am.
5:26
>> Oh, I love that one.
5:27
>> This is just who I am.
5:28
>> This is just this is just me. I'm like
5:29
this is just the you who's too scared to
5:31
change or is unwilling to change or is
5:33
unwilling or is in denial about the need
5:35
or the possibility. That's probably more
5:36
of it. It's not possible. So here I am.
5:39
Take it or you know like it or love it.
5:41
>> Yeah. And it's sad because it's not
5:44
saying that or I think it's a shame
5:46
response of of feeling like that I feel
5:49
bad. I feel there's something really
5:51
wrong with me that I'm that I'm getting
5:52
this feedback. And it's not that there's
5:54
anything wrong with you. It's that we
5:56
all have opportunities to grow and
5:58
improve oursel as we as we grow, you
6:00
know, as we age, right?
6:01
>> It's we're not stuck in one version.
6:04
>> Um and the possibility to grow and
6:06
improve doesn't mean that there's
6:07
anything wrong with the version of you
6:08
right now. But I think there that brings
6:10
me to another point which is like being
6:12
able to have some shame resilience or
6:14
some shame tolerance which has
6:16
everything to do with one's history and
6:18
their level of attachment and their
6:20
nurture and their worthiness in of in
6:22
and of themselves. You know, it's it's
6:24
about being able to say, you know, that
6:27
isn't that isn't the best version of me.
6:28
It's not in line with who I want to be
6:31
>> and yes, I did it and and no, it isn't
6:33
good enough. Not I'm not good enough,
6:34
but that isn't good enough. And I think
6:36
some people really struggle with that
6:38
delineation
6:40
>> of the badness of me is not the same as
6:42
the mistakes that I've made or the or
6:45
the areas of growth that I deal with.
6:47
For sure.
6:48
>> And it could be it's not good enough or
6:51
it's just not working.
6:53
>> It's just not effective. You're getting
6:55
constant feedback from people in your
6:56
life that is the way that you share
6:58
things isn't landing right. Right. And
7:00
rather than taking that as you know some
7:03
saying something wrong about you and
7:05
then saying well I'm not I don't want to
7:06
hear this
7:07
>> right
7:07
>> I'm going to cut you off
7:08
>> right
7:09
>> can you engage with that with curiosity
7:10
what's going on where I'm getting this
7:12
constant feedback in my life and can I
7:14
choose the hard which is self-reflection
7:16
>> sure
7:17
>> to say okay I might have something I
7:18
need to look at around this
7:20
>> and tolerating the shame of not knowing
7:22
how to either do it different or be
7:25
different or
7:27
>> even having trusted people that you can
7:29
go to that will give you, you know, the
7:31
honest hard conversation about the
7:33
truth. I mean, that's my husband. You
7:35
gave me a little bit of when we sat
7:36
down. I was like, I'm sorry about the
7:38
squirreliness. And you're like, I
7:39
wouldn't expect anything else. I was
7:40
like, true. Also, jerk. you know, but I
7:43
also it's
#People & Society