0:00
There might be shame around, you know,
0:02
their body, around their emotions,
0:04
around their perception of failure,
0:06
about whatever it is that they're
0:08
dealing with. They might have a belief
0:10
that they should be able to handle
0:11
things on their own and that by needing
0:13
somebody else or sharing their messy
0:16
skeletons from their own closet, they're
0:18
somehow inadequate. And so shame
0:21
operates in a lot of cases related to
0:23
this. And the other story that people
0:26
make up who maybe withhold is that maybe
0:28
this is so much to bring to someone. I
0:31
don't want to be a burden. They have so
0:33
much on their plate. They already have
0:34
so much going on. Or if I share this,
0:37
maybe they'll judge me or they'll see me
0:39
differently. Or maybe they'll pity me
0:41
and I somehow feel a bit responsible for
0:43
it and I don't want to deal with that.
0:45
So instead of them reaching outward,
0:47
they pull inward. And from the outside,
0:50
on your side, that silence can look like
0:52
distance, getting ghosted, it can feel
0:54
like lack of trust. But when internally
0:57
for them, it's often some version of
0:59
self-p protection. And now, I know we
1:01
talk on this show a lot about attachment
1:03
patterns. And one of them having
1:06
incredible emotional self-reliance as
1:08
part of that adaptation, but for many
1:10
people, this pattern is really rooted in
1:12
in an avoidant attachment pattern, which
1:14
stems from childhood trauma. Avoid an
1:17
attachment isn't about not wanting a
1:19
relationship. It's about not trusting
1:21
that relationships will be there when
1:23
things get really hard. Often these
1:25
people learned early that needing
1:27
somebody else led to disappointment or
1:30
sometimes even conflict or judgment or
1:33
being shamed for needing things. And
1:36
then that vulnerability that they had as
1:38
children wasn't met with care or
1:40
compassion or love um or mattering. And
1:43
that reliance on someone else felt too
1:45
risky. So they then adapt to not need
1:48
anybody. And that adaptation, although
1:51
beneficial at the time to try to
1:53
protect, it ends up creating a lot of
1:55
distance in relationships as people grow
1:58
up that perhaps they don't want. Those
2:00
people become emotionally
2:02
self-sufficient. They learn how to
2:04
survive privately. I've got it. Um I'll
2:07
go it alone. Um and they told
2:09
themselves, I don't need to lean on
2:10
others. I can handle this. And the thing
2:13
about that is is unfortunately socially
2:16
we often admire that on the surface. We
2:18
think they've got their together.
2:20
We think that they're incredibly
2:22
independent and autonomous. And they
2:24
seem strong. They seem capable. And we
2:27
call it things like independence or
2:29
autonomous or self-reliant or resilient.
2:32
But that independence can quickly block
2:35
the very intimacy that we all crave as
2:38
humans. We are attachment beings that
2:40
are hardwired for connection. And so
2:42
someone who ends up in an avoidant
2:44
attachment pattern in these
2:46
relationships ends up being more lonely
2:48
than they need to be by way of the story
2:51
they tell themselves that they're
2:53
protected. And so there's a painful
2:55
paradox that happens in this
2:57
relationship. It's where the dynamic
2:59
turns into the problem. And it's pretty
3:01
tragic. So for these people in trying to
3:05
keep themselves safe, avoidantly
3:07
attached people often create the outcome
3:10
that they fear the most because when
3:12
someone doesn't share their inner world,
3:14
end up having their hard circumstances
3:16
faced by themselves, uh when they don't
3:19
allow emotional reliance on others be
3:22
part of their circle of support. They
3:24
don't risk being fully known and so they
3:27
feel unseen and unknown. And then that
3:30
person eventually feels shut out. They
3:33
feel unneeded. They feel emotionally
3:36
alone in a relationship. And over time
3:38
they pull back. And it's not out of
3:40
punishment, but out of
