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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Today we're going to talk about lying as a trauma response, why we lie, how it works, and how we can incorporate radical honesty to live a more fulfilled life. Lying is a pervasive human behavior. Honesty isn't always our default setting - sometimes we may find ourselves bending the truth. When little ones start telling their own versions of events, it can stir a mix of parental worry and amusement (given how easily their tales unravel). Surprisingly, in those early years, these fibs indicate a cognitive milestone. Let's explore the effects of lying and learn how we can incorporate radical honesty as our compass!
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://kellyohoro.com
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly oh horo and this
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is adaptable Behavior explained hi
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everybody thanks for tuning in today
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we're going to talk about a concept that
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I hadn't really put a lot of thought
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into until I came across this really
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cool episode of after school and Dr Anna
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lpy from Stanford University uh talks
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about the concept of w iCal honesty and
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how every major religion and ethical
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code has included honesty and Truth
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telling yet the average person lies .59
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to 1.56 times per day so we're going to
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talk about lying why we lie how it works
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and how to stop lying so that you can
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live a a more full life if you like what
0:51
you're hearing please subscribe to our
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Channel and perhaps like and share and
0:55
we can create more content that matches
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what you're interested in seeing so
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let's let's get to it so like I said Dr
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Anna lpy did a lot of research and has
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accumulated a whole bunch of information
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from her patients on the topic of Truth
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telling and how it relates to recovery
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from addiction to relationship
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Improvement and connection and overall
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mental and physical health she says that
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radical honesty is at the core of a
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well-lived life so lying starts as early
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as Age 2 I always share with my clients
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an example of lying and how we really
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need to question our children because
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they learn to defend themselves by a
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lying super young think about an example
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where if you told your child no cookies
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before dinner and you proceed to see
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them with cookies all over their face
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and you ask them did you eat the cookies
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when fully knowing they actually did you
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almost push them into a fearful
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defensive response where they say no I
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didn't eat the cookies so we start
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really young with lying as a defense and
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the frequency of lying decreases when
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kids are around 3 or four for because
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they start to developmentally become
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aware of how lying affects or hurts
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other people so lying the purpose of it
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there are many but the first I'm going
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to talk about is that it's a defense and
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it helps to reduce disappointment in
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others which potentially can decrease
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rejections rejection and ultimately
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feelings of isolation or not belonging
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lying is so effective that there are
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many species that use lying or deception
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to trick their prey into uh thinking
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that they're somebody else and that they
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can infiltrate a nest and become part of
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a an area where something lives so that
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they can attack now the most advanced
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species with lying is of course human
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because of our communication and our
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sophisticated way of experiencing one
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another we are capable of manipulating
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and deceiving people for our benefit and
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so humans are better at lying and much
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more frequently do so one of the main
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reasons that people will lie is to avoid
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punishment so like I talked about in the
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2-year-old example the fear of consequen
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is a great motivator to try to find a
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way out of getting in trouble another
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reason that people will lie is to
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protect others people lie with the
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intention of protecting someone either
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from harm or from having disappointment
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or hurt feelings because the truth might
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be perceived as something that they
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can't handle and a couple of problems
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with that is that we aren't giving
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someone a benefit of the doubt to handle
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the truth when we protect them by lying
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to them another reason that people lie
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is to preserve their self-image we want
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to reflect a more positive or favorable
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light and we want people to see us in
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professional or social settings as
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perhaps better than we are or more
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masterful at something than we actually
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have experience for and so lying has a
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lot to do with masking or pretending to
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be someone that we aren't uh we become
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most free when we learn to be our
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fullest selves without lying to
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ourselves or others and really learning
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how to be fully authentic about who we
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are and what we can do one of the other
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reasons that people lie is to seek
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approval the desire for approval from
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others is so deeply ingrained in all of
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us and it leads us to lie sometimes we
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fabricate stories or exaggerate our
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achievements sort of hyperbole so that
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we can become more grandiose or more
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impressive with the things that we've
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done ultimately Desiring to have uh
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acceptance or gain acceptance from our
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peers another primary reason that one
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lies is to avoid conflict it's a
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strategy so that we can perhaps stay out
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of Confrontation people may choose to
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deceive others to sidestep uncomfortable
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or difficult conversations or all out
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omit or avoid them in the first place
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sometimes people do things in their
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lives that they aren't proud of or that
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could potentially cause discourse or uh
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disillusion of a relationship and so
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often times people might lie to maintain
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a relationship if I had an affair for
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example I wouldn't share that with my
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partner because it would cause likely a
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lot of disruption in our connection and
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so people might choose to withhold
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certain information or provide false
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reassurances to prevent tension or
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disagreements so in order to maintain
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relationships sometimes people want to
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uh Achieve Personal gain or Advance
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their own personal interests by
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manipulating situations in their favor
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primarily related to like Financial
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social or professional experience
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expences in order to be seen in a better
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light or to potentially gain so an
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example might be I um I put things on my
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resume that I'm not actually qualified
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for so that I can be seen as someone
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who's qualified for a higher salary that
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might be a reason someone might lie the
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most common thing that I see as a
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counselor is that people will lie to
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cope with their own shame or their guilt
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these feelings can prompt people to lie
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about actions or behaviors because
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admitting the truth uh might be
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psychologically challenging and so they
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then you know deceive as a as a coping
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mechanism to deal with the feelings of
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inadequacy or less than and trying to
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show up for someone so an example might
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be you know I didn't go to my son's
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baseball game and I might say that it
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was because I was working when in fact I
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was on video games and I didn't
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prioritize it so I lie so that I can
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deal with my own shame or guilt for not
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showing up for my son the way that I
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wanted to or that he deserved another
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reason people might lie is to preserve
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privacy uh or safety so uh Emanuel Kant
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is a philosopher that I always loved and
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he said that in all in all ethics
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basically no one would argue or dispute
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that lying is is wrong however in
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certain circumstances everyone would do
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so so an example might be if I were
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attack uh someone broke into my home and
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they you know were looking for one of my
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children I would lie and say they
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weren't here to protect either their
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safety or or privacy would be one way
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where everyone would do it however it's
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still considered to be a a deception um
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so that might be related to survival as
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well another reason people lie is
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because of social norms and
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expectations uh they want to conform to
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standards of social norms and avoid
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judgment so the reason lying is bad is
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because it masks or covers our behaviors
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which can lead to shame and isolation
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which leads to further disconnection
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more consumption and then we're
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compensating for the shame with things
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like that I want to talk a little bit
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about how we deal with shame and some
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ways to overcome lying in order to move
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towards a more radically honest life
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Berne Brown talks about shame as
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something that can only grow like in a
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Petri dish if it's in the dark it
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doesn't have light it doesn't have words
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so the first thing we want to do to deal
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with shame rather than lie or be
8:00
dishonest is to give it words to give it
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light and to not let it hide in the dark
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so when we're trying to deal with shame
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and we want to cultivate
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connection we reach out to people that
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we care for or that we trust and we
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share our experiences and we end up not
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in a place where we might need to lie
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for our uh dealing with our shame or our
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guilt and this can foster intimacy and
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connection which ultimately improves
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relationships becoming honest leads to a
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more truthful autobiography which holds
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us accountable not only to the present
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moment but also to the Future and how we
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want to present ourselves moving forward
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telling the truth is contagious so when
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we start telling the truth and being
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honest we start to cultivate that
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culture in relationship so people then
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know they can be honest with us so it's
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contagious just like lying is contagious
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telling the truth is contagious being
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radically honest ultimately prevents
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future addiction when I stop trying to
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hide and scheme and manipulate and I
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become transparent I don't have to deal
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with the shame of my addiction and
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ultimately use things compulsively to
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hide from it so how do we overcome lying
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we have to get comfortable with our
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narratives with our truths becoming
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authentic the first step in doing this
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is
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self-reflection we have to begin by
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wondering in our own worlds what are our
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values and what's the importance of
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honesty for us personally and ultimately
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does it have a positive impact in my
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life if I become more honest am I
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looking for an improvement in my
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relationships and my own personal growth
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I have to start there I have to decide
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this is something I want to work on I
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have to have awareness of my motivation
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so I have to slow myself down and I have
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to start thinking to myself what
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motivates me when I tell half truths or
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when I tell White Lies what is the
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reason for that underneath what what am
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I hiding from and what am I trying to
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protect or defend we have to embrace
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vulnerability when we become radically
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honest we don't know how people are
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going to perceive what we say and that's
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always risky vulnerability is always
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risk of emotional exposure with no
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guarantee so we have to embrace this
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with radical honesty because we don't
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know the outcome of our truths and how
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that's going to impact the people around
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us and ultimately how how that's going
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to improve our relationships or not can
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people handle our truths
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not everybody can so that's one of the
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fears that people have so we have to
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embrace that vulnerability in this day
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and age we are moving so quickly and we
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are not Mindful and we're quite
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impulsive most of us are not
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communicating from a mindful place so we
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have to practice communication while
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being present and fully engaged in our
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interactions we want to try to avoid
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distraction and give our full attention
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to our listener and that helps us to be
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more clear and concise and honest in our
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communication as well we have to present
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ourselves more authentically and
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ultimately we have to take
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responsibility for the outcomes when
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we're honest about our emotional
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experience and when we're sharing with
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people mindfully another factor that we
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have to consider when we're speaking
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honestly is that we have to express our
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feelings clearly we have to know what
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we're feeling we have to know what we're
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what we have experienced and then we
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have to be able to share that with
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someone and we really want to be honest
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about how we're feeling we want to avoid
11:30
staying in the victim role so our
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experiences of sharing our emotions need
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to also be followed by what we need and
11:37
what we want so that there can be a
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change we want to use eye statements so
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that we are reflecting our experience
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from an honest self- perspective Place
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uh and then we want to clearly
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communicate our emotions and this will
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help to uh avoid dishonesty as well
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often times people find themselves in
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Little White Lies and so so in embracing
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radical honesty we want to try to catch
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those little white lies and avoid using
12:04
those we tell them for convenience and
12:06
while they might seem harmless they
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contribute to a culture of dishonesty
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and so we want to practice finding
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honest and tactful ways to communicate
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even in really small matters being
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radically honest we're going to get it
12:18
wrong we're going to mess up so we want
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to practice accepting imperfection we
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need to understand that embracing this
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doesn't mean it's going to be perfect
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all the time everyone makes mistakes and
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it's okay we want to acknowledge when
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we've been less than honest Circle back
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and try again so that we can learn from
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the experience and commit to improving
12:38
another way we overcome dishonesty is by
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actively listening we're not thinking
12:43
about what somebody's saying and
12:45
planning for our retort but we're really
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being open to listening so that we can
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be intentional about our response after
12:53
we've heard it fully we want to set
12:55
boundaries have clear boundaries for
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ourselves
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uh and communicate them open openly this
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includes expressing your needs desires
13:04
and limits with others and remembering
13:06
that boundaries always contribute to
13:09
honest and respectful relationships but
13:11
they must have a pathway toward
13:13
connection as opposed to a wall which
13:15
doesn't have a way in these will help
13:18
prevent lying setting healthy boundaries
13:20
will help prevent lying because we won't
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have to backrack when our boundaries
13:23
have been violated part of our journey
13:25
to radical honesty requires feedback
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from the people that we trust around us
13:30
and asking colleagues friends or other
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professionals that we trust their
13:34
feedback and insights to provide us with
13:37
valuable perspectives in areas where we
13:40
can enhance our
13:54
truthtellah and we're more open to
13:57
ourselves and others and we're more able
13:59
to be honest with ourselves and with
14:02
others we have improved relationships
14:06
truth telling is a two-way street so if
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you can be open and honest it sets the
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stage for the other person to do the
14:11
same which cultivates truer and richer
14:13
authentic connection it builds trust it
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Fosters authenticity it promotes healthy
14:19
relationships ultimately improves
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personal growth and integrity and it can
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start with each day you can say to
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yourself today I'm not going to lie
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about anything and if I do I'm going to
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circle back and take accountability for
14:33
the lies that I've told I hope that you
14:35
find this episode helpful on radical
14:38
honesty I know that it's scary it's not
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going to be easy it's certainly not
14:42
going to be comfortable but I encourage
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you to move toward a more honest and
14:46
authentic way of living thank you so
14:48
much for tuning in and I hope that you
14:50
remember to lead with love it'll never
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steer you
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[Music]
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wrong
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[Music]
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you
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