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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, we’re diving into The Next Chapter: Life with Your Adult Children, how to navigate the shift from parenting to partnering, maintain connection without overstepping, and find meaning in letting go. We’ll explore what it looks like to support independence, honor new boundaries, and celebrate growth on both sides, because every ending is also a beginning and this chapter can be full of trust, love, and connection.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone. I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks so much for tuning in
0:14
to Adaptable. Uh I'm your host, Kelly
0:16
O'Horro, and today we're going to talk
0:18
about a topic in a season that is both
0:21
beautiful and can be heartbreaking,
0:23
which is parenting adult children. I've
0:25
had another episode on parenting adult
0:27
children, but this one is going to dig
0:29
in a little bit uh in a different way.
0:31
So, have you ever watched your grown
0:33
children make choices that you wouldn't
0:35
or felt your hands ache to protect them
0:38
from their decisions or wondered how to
0:40
stay close without holding on too tight?
0:43
Then this is the show for you. Parenting
0:46
doesn't end when our kid turns 18. It
0:49
transforms. and the role that we once
0:51
held as their guide and our language
0:54
being more directive and um in control
0:57
because of our role as a protector, it
0:59
shifts. Uh we're no longer the authority
1:03
and but we're still the one that would
1:05
take the bullet for them or take their
1:07
pain without a single ounce of
1:09
hesitation. And so our love doesn't
1:11
change. And I found this book called
1:14
Doing Life with Your Adult Children by
1:16
Jim Burns that I thought was so great.
1:18
And it offers nine principles that will
1:21
help us navigate this new terrain. And
1:23
personally speaking, uh all of my
1:25
children are adults and um I have
1:28
different relationships with all of them
1:30
depending on, you know, proximity,
1:32
energy, timing of things and their
1:35
developmental stages and how that has
1:37
changed. So, I've got a lot of personal
1:38
experience with this and I can say that
1:40
when I was first a parent of adult
1:42
children, I did not know how to let go
1:45
of the desire to control um because my
1:48
fear was too profound and I just wanted
1:49
to protect them from every potential
1:51
pitfall that maybe they didn't see and
1:53
and it alienates. And so, we want to
1:57
navigate this together and we want to
1:59
remain a resource for them. And so,
2:01
we've got to be thoughtful about how we
2:04
enter this territory. And so, please
2:06
know that if you are a parent entering
2:08
this phase, it is hard. It's going to
2:10
challenge you and you're going to have
2:12
to dig deep to let go. So, I love this
2:15
book, like I said, and the first tenant
2:18
is keep your mouth shut unless asked.
2:21
So, remember, unsolicited advice is
2:23
usually taken as criticism. And if we
2:26
aren't asked our opinion, then they
2:29
don't necessarily want it. And
2:30
oftentimes, frankly, they probably know
2:32
what we think. And so they're not going
2:34
to ask until they're ready to hear that.
2:36
Um, so you have to practice restraint
2:38
and you have to let your adult child
2:40
make up their own mind and their make
2:42
their own decisions. And sometimes the
2:44
most loving thing is to listen and let
2:47
them figure it out. Let them learn their
2:49
own um way and and have their own
2:52
consequences because ultimately if they
2:55
don't learn from inside of them, they're
2:57
just focused on this external locus of
3:00
control. or in other words, they want to
3:02
please us as as parents and still seek
3:04
our approval and then it's not coming
3:06
from inside of them. So, it's not
3:08
actually not in their best interest or
3:10
in our best interest to continue to
3:12
offer unsolicited advice. In fact, if
3:15
you have advice you want to give, it's
3:17
really best to say, "I have some
3:19
thoughts on this. Are you open to them?"
3:21
Or if you are, let me know and we can
3:23
talk about it. And that way, you have an
3:25
invitation to offer your feedback and
3:27
also a listener that's that's really
3:29
looking to hear that. And so another
3:31
thing that is one of the tenants from
3:33
this book is keeping the welcome mat out
3:35
always, which is unconditional love and
3:38
acceptance regardless of their choices,
3:41
regardless of the disagreements,
3:42
regardless of whatever they're doing.
3:45
You want to make sure that your door is
3:47
always open for them. And when we don't
3:49
take responsibility for their choices,
3:51
it's a lot easier to show up with love
3:54
and acceptance for their choices and
3:57
ultimately compassion wi with with maybe
3:59
the outcome. And even if we saw it
4:01
coming, we can still have compassion
4:03
because they have to learn their lessons
4:05
on their own. We can't learn all of them
4:07
for them. And think about it, you got to
4:09
learn your lessons on your own. Your
4:10
parents didn't get to live your life.
4:12
And so it's only fair that they then get
4:14
their chance to live their life the way
4:16
that they want to. So your door is open,
4:19
your heart is open no matter what. Even
4:21
if you really don't like their choices,
4:23
and this can be hard, but ultimately you
4:26
will not be able to be a person that
4:28
they come to if you don't show that
4:31
unconditional love and acceptance.
4:33
You've got to redefine your role. You've
4:35
got to shift from parenting and
4:37
authority to kind of more mentor or
4:40
consultant. Your relationship is now an
4:42
adultto adult relationship. We need to
4:45
start seeing them more as a friend as
4:48
opposed to someone that we're in charge
4:49
of or that we're responsible for. And
4:52
and we don't have to have an opinion
4:54
about what they do. And they don't have
4:56
to care about what our opinion is. And
4:58
so our role changes. And you're moving
5:00
from the director or orchestrator of
5:03
their life to the ally. And that's
5:05
actually a gift. And what I recognized
5:07
in my learning and transitioning from
5:10
this is it's not that the fear goes
5:12
away, but it's that you let go of the
5:15
need to control the choices. And there's
5:17
a lot of freedom in that. There's a lot
5:19
of freedom in going, they've got it.
5:21
They'll be okay. They'll figure it out
5:24
and I'll be here if they have a hard
5:25
time with it. And that changes your role
5:27
to be more in connection and more
5:29
allyship than over judgment or
5:32
condemnation or criticism. And of
5:34
course, anytime we're met with criticism
5:36
or condemnation, we push people away.
5:39
And that's counter to what you really
5:40
want as the parent, right? You want them
5:42
to want to remain in connection and
5:44
friendship with you as they age. Uh, at
5:47
least that's what I want. Also, we've
5:49
got to look at setting healthy
5:50
boundaries. So, where you might have
5:52
stepped in to help more when they were
5:54
younger, this is where they've got to
5:56
learn to scramble and and struggle and
5:58
and have a little bit of a a little bit
6:00
of strife. And learning to help without
6:02
enabling is a tricky line. It's hard to
6:04
figure that out. You want to encourage
6:06
responsibility. You want to encourage
6:08
independence by letting them experience
6:11
consequences. It helps them build
6:13
resilience. It helps them learn from
6:15
their mistakes. And it ultimately helps
6:16
them make different decisions in the
6:18
future. When we go in and bail them out
6:20
from decisions they've made over and
6:22
over again, they don't actually have the
6:24
ouch that happens when we've made a
6:26
mistake and they don't learn from that
6:29
ouch. And so it's important that we set
6:32
healthy boundaries. They're not walls.
6:34
They're just bridges to respect and to
6:36
connection. And when we treat someone
6:38
with more respect through healthy
6:40
boundaries, they return that respect
6:41
back. So understanding and adapting to
6:45
their culture, their religious choices,
6:48
their generational differences.
6:50
Remember, they're not raised in the same
6:52
time that you were raised. And so you
6:54
need to be open to their perspective,
6:56
their experiences, even when you
6:58
disagree. It's really important that
7:00
you're not saying, "Well, when I was a
7:02
kid, blah, blah, blah." Because
7:04
ultimately, it doesn't matter. When you
7:06
were a kid, it was different. When you
7:08
were a kid, you weren't faced with, you
7:10
know, constant inundation of of um, you
7:14
know, the social media and the phones in
7:16
their hands all the time and the quick
7:18
gathering of information. I mean, you
7:20
just didn't have all of that to contend
7:22
with and the fast pace at which
7:24
everything's going, economies that
7:26
change. All of those things are
7:27
different for them than they were for
7:30
you. And so recognizing those shifts in
7:32
culture are really important and trying
7:34
to understand and meet them where they
7:36
are. I see this become a problem in my
7:40
practice the most when it happens with a
7:42
religious change. So let's say you
7:44
raised a child in a certain religious um
7:47
culture. Let's say you raised your
7:49
child, you know, in a in a Christian
7:50
culture and they decided they don't want
7:53
to go that way anymore and they would
7:55
rather be more spiritual and they don't
7:57
want to go to church anymore and that
7:58
brings up a lot of fear in you.
8:00
Recognizing that trying to pressure them
8:02
into doing it your way is not going to
8:04
drive them to the direction that you
8:06
want. Recognizing where they are and
8:08
their cultural or their religious
8:10
choices are theirs to make. And again,
8:12
back to keep the welcome mat out.
8:15
Unconditional love and acceptance are
8:16
always what we want. Otherwise, we lose
8:18
the relationship. The other thing that's
8:20
really important, and I see people
8:22
struggle with this all the time, is
8:24
relating to their significant other. You
8:27
want to show up with respect for your
8:29
adult child's partner choice. Avoid
8:31
interfering in their relationships.
8:34
Don't give them guidance or
8:35
micromanagement on their choice. It's
8:38
going to only alienate, and this isn't
8:40
what you want. You want to be able to
8:41
remain close to your child. And so who
8:45
they love needs to become someone that
8:47
you are interested in learning because
8:49
otherwise you will lose them. And that's
8:51
that's a mistake that a lot of parents
8:53
make. They don't like the choice of the
8:55
uh the the partner that their child
8:57
chooses and then they lose their child
8:58
and that's really not what what any of
9:01
us want. So loving your child means
9:04
loving who they love. So get curious,
9:06
get open, become a support for them as
9:08
well, and it's only going to help you
9:11
and and help enrich the relationship
9:13
that you have with your child. Another
9:15
thing that comes up often, especially in
9:18
this generation, because it's so
9:20
expensive to go out on your own, it's
9:23
it's a different time. People don't make
9:25
as much money and costs are really high.
9:28
So handling financial issues wisely. We
9:31
want to be generous, but we want to set
9:33
clear boundaries around money and
9:35
support. We want to look at, you know,
9:37
it's okay if you say, "Yes, I'm willing
9:39
to help, but the money needs to go in
9:41
this way." Or, "Yes, I'm willing to
9:43
help, but I'm going to go ahead and pay
9:44
that bill myself because then I know
9:46
what I am looking to help is in line
9:48
with my values, and I can spend my money
9:50
how I want to spend my money." So, as a
9:52
parent, you need to make sure you're
9:53
clear. How do you want to help? What
9:55
does help look like? And how do you want
9:57
to volunteer those financial supports?
10:00
And having clear conversations about
10:02
that is important because there's a real
10:05
difference between a safety net and a
10:07
hammock. You want to make sure that you
10:09
know the difference and that your habit
10:11
to support doesn't enable your child
10:13
from learning their own financial
10:15
independence and responsibility. I
10:17
talked a little bit about this with
10:18
culture differences, but you really want
10:20
to support their faith journey.
10:22
encourage their own spiritual growth.
10:24
Not forcing your own beliefs and your
10:26
own desires on to them because faith is
10:28
a very personal choice and uh supporting
10:32
not steering is really necessary when it
10:34
comes to looking at your child and their
10:37
decisions and their growth. I know this
10:39
is really hard because we love our kids
10:42
so much, but we want to really leave a
10:44
legacy of love. We want to focus on
10:47
connection over control. We want to
10:49
focus on understanding and support and
10:51
we want that to be our enduring legacy.
10:54
We want our parent our kids to look back
10:55
at us and go, you know, I'm sure some of
10:58
the choices I made were really hard for
10:59
my parents to watch, but they did a
11:01
pretty good job of staying out of the
11:03
way and letting me just be my own person
11:06
and learn my own lessons. And so you
11:08
want to think about how do you want them
11:10
to remember you when they're out of this
11:12
phase, when they are done making this
11:14
choice and they start to to continue to
11:16
mature and they make choices that maybe
11:18
are more in line with what you'd hoped
11:20
for them. You want them to recognize how
11:23
you showed up during that hard time was
11:25
respectful because what matters most is
11:28
your love and that is of course going to
11:30
outlast every disagreement and there's
11:32
going to be plenty of disagreements
11:34
especially if we're offering unsolicited
11:36
advice. So the ache and hope of this
11:39
situation is real. We love our kids and
11:43
we don't stop loving them just because
11:46
they grow up and they leave the nest. So
11:48
maybe they're making choices that scare
11:51
you and maybe you're biting your tongue.
11:53
Believe me, they know when you're biting
11:55
your tongue. So you need to work on that
11:56
in in your internal work. And and maybe
11:59
even what they're doing really hurts
12:00
you. Maybe they're struggling with
12:02
addiction or they're they're struggling
12:04
in ways that you know are hurting them
12:06
and you're wondering if that silence
12:09
kind of feels like abandonment. Well,
12:12
here's something that I have learned and
12:14
I've had kids that have made all sorts
12:16
of choices that I've been scared of.
12:18
I've had kids that have struggled with
12:20
addiction. I've had kids that have
12:21
struggled in all kinds of areas. And and
12:23
here's what I've learned. Advice, even
12:26
when it's loving, sounds like judgment.
12:29
if you've been critical while they grew
12:30
up. I know we were fairly critical
12:32
parents, unfortunately. It it it lands
12:35
wrong, even if you mean it with love.
12:37
And so, you want to make sure that
12:39
you're showing up with love and ask for
12:43
a window of open if you want to give
12:45
some opinions. Uh they need to invite
12:47
that. And help even when it's well
12:49
intentioned, can feel like mistrust. My
12:52
youngest actually said that to me. He
12:54
said, "You know, you jump in to help and
12:56
sometimes what I make up is that you
12:57
don't think I can figure it out." And I
12:59
was like, "Ouch, that's not the message
13:01
I'm trying to send. What's really
13:03
happening in me is I don't want things
13:05
to hurt so bad. And so, I want to help."
13:07
But the truth is that's not my journey
13:09
to take. That's their journey. And that
13:11
silence paired with presence says I
13:13
trust you. And so, just sitting and
13:15
listening with someone is really
13:17
important. That welcome mat, your
13:19
unconditional acceptance, this is the
13:21
key that that keeps them coming back.
13:23
And that's what you want to do to make
13:25
sure you're continuing the transition of
13:28
that transitioning from parent to
13:30
friendship. So, let me give you an
13:32
example. Let's say your child loses
13:34
their job and asks for help and you want
13:36
so badly to rescue, but you really need
13:38
to pause and you want to offer support,
13:41
not solutions. Uh, say things like, "I
13:44
believe you can do hard things. I know
13:46
you're going to figure it out." That's
13:47
the balance. It's validation and
13:50
kindness and love without racing to
13:52
rescue. And again, it's really hard,
13:54
especially if you're impulsive and
13:55
you're fast like I am. I run into this
13:58
all the time where my impulse is to race
14:00
to rescue and I need to really slow down
14:03
so that I don't alienate and be
14:04
unhealthy in the adult relationship.
14:07
So, let me give you some tools to stay
14:09
close without smothering them because
14:11
again, just because they want to leave
14:13
the nest doesn't mean we really want
14:14
them to. We don't want to lose them,
14:16
right? So, how do we stay close without
14:18
overcrowding and and over suffocating
14:21
our kids? Uh, we want to practice true
14:24
vulnerability. We want to share our
14:25
fears and our hopes, not just our
14:27
advice. You want to share with them.
14:29
It's really hard not getting to see how
14:31
they are every day once they've left or
14:34
hear how their days went. And be the
14:36
first person that you that that they
14:38
reach out to when something went wrong.
14:40
And that's hard and it's scary and it's
14:42
sad. And so, let them know that that's
14:44
part of your transition. Be honest and
14:46
open with them. Set healthy boundaries.
14:49
help in crisises, but don't fund
14:52
irresponsibility.
14:54
If people are making choices that are
14:55
not responsible, we don't have to step
14:57
in. We can let them face their own
14:59
consequences of their choices. Lead with
15:02
curiosity. Ask questions, listen deeply,
15:06
accept differences, and keep that
15:08
welcome mat out. Your child needs to
15:10
know that they belong no matter what.
15:12
even if you don't agree with their
15:14
choices. Remember, we lose our influence
15:18
when we come in with judgment. And you
15:20
do have influence. They they have our
15:22
voice in their ear. They know they've
15:25
lived with us their whole life, right?
15:27
But you don't have control over how they
15:29
interpret it and how they proceed with
15:31
it. You have history, but you don't have
15:33
any authority. And you have love. So
15:36
much love. It could drown you, right?
15:39
But your love alone doesn't determine
15:41
the outcomes of their choices. And so
15:44
this is where your kind of uh
15:47
recognizing these um these tenants from
15:50
this book is a great idea. Remember,
15:53
celebrate these small wins. This is a
15:54
hard transition. Every time you let go,
15:57
every time you stay steady and hold your
15:59
tongue, every time you don't race to
16:01
rescue, it's a sign that you're shifting
16:04
and that you're growing. Uh and find
16:06
moments that make you smile. Celebrate
16:08
their challenges with the way they show
16:11
their resilience. Celebrate their
16:14
moments of triumph with them. And that's
16:16
really where you can remain in
16:18
connection and remain steady and
16:22
helpful, supportive character in their
16:25
life that they will continue to want in
16:27
their story if you approach it like
16:29
this. So again, parenting adult children
16:32
is hard. If your goal is to want to
16:35
remain friends with your kids as they
16:37
age, like mine is, uh we you're gonna
16:40
love them fiercely, but you have to let
16:42
go of the control, uh you have to keep
16:44
that welcome mat out. And the work is
16:46
not in shaping them, but in staying
16:48
steady, not fixing them. Um but being
16:51
reachable and not controlling the story
16:54
or the narrative, but remaining someone
16:56
that they want in their story, even if
16:58
it's not in the same role that you once
17:00
played. So, I know that this is hard.
17:02
Believe me, I've been there. I still am
17:05
there at times. And uh it's a challenge
17:07
when when you have to watch your heart
17:10
walking around outside of your body for
17:12
the rest of your life. It's hard. And we
17:15
don't stop loving them so big just
17:17
because they are on their own. And so, I
17:19
know you can do it. I know you can do
17:21
hard things and you can be brave and
17:23
afraid at the very same time. So, if
17:25
this show resonated with you, please
17:28
make sure to subscribe or leave a
17:29
comment. share it with someone that you
17:31
know. Um I know that a lot of my friends
17:34
are in this season and these are
17:36
conversations that we have and um
17:38
hopefully this this show helps with this
17:41
challenge to keep us, you know, strong
17:43
and steady for this transition. You can
17:45
do it. So again, until next time, don't
17:48
forget to lead with love. It'll never
17:50
steer you wrong.
17:52
[Music]
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