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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Raising teens can be challenging, especially when they’re going through tough or rebellious phases. In this video, we’re sharing practical strategies to help you better connect with your teenager, set healthy boundaries, and navigate the ups and downs of adolescence with more confidence and calm. We’ll discuss proven techniques for managing conflicts, fostering open communication, and understanding the underlying emotions that might be driving their behavior. Whether your teen is struggling with mood swings, school issues, or communication breakdowns, these tips are designed to make parenting a little easier and help you build a stronger, more positive relationship with your teen.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:11
everybody thank you so much for tuning
0:13
in to adaptable I'm Kelly ooro and today
0:16
I'm going to be talking with you about a
0:18
topic that's been coming up a lot in
0:20
sessions and that's uh parenting
0:23
children or more specifically teens that
0:25
are showing up with difficult behaviors
0:28
or behavior issues now it's no secret
0:30
that the teen years are challenging and
0:32
it is an a time when the brain actually
0:35
regresses but um we're going to talk
0:37
about some of the why behind why certain
0:40
behaviors are happening and what's maybe
0:42
the underlying causes as well as some
0:44
things that you can do uh while raising
0:47
teens to make that experience a little
0:49
bit better there's challenges and
0:50
triumphs and we're watching our little
0:53
ones turn into their own autonomous
0:55
people and eventually to become young
0:57
adults and you know they leave the nest
1:00
and we want to be able to have someone
1:02
that we want to be friends with and that
1:03
ultimately we want them to want to be
1:04
friends with us because once they're out
1:06
of the house they have choices and so
1:08
this topic is important but if you're
1:10
having a difficult time with your teen
1:13
this might uh help you figure some
1:15
things out we're going to talk about the
1:17
origins of difficult behaviors the
1:18
importance of boundary setting how to
1:20
create Behavior action plans if things
1:22
aren't going well and ultimately
1:24
establishing clear consequences that are
1:26
not ambiguous so both the parent and the
1:29
child child understands what that means
1:32
so let's dig in um so there's several
1:34
factors that can contribute to difficult
1:36
behavior in our teens and some things
1:39
are more obvious than others the first
1:41
of which is hormonal changes and that's
1:43
going to happen depending on when the
1:45
body starts changing and that's
1:47
different for for everyone sometimes it
1:49
starts as young as 10 which is
1:51
surprising and can go as late as 17 18
1:54
years old and so some of these hormonal
1:56
experiences and changes as part of our
1:58
development and so this Adolescence in
2:01
general it's a time for significant
2:03
hormonal changes and hormone changes
2:06
affect our mood and ultimately our
2:08
Behavior you know think about it
2:10
especially if you're a woman or or you
2:12
know a woman think about how much that
2:14
uh our cycle impacts the way we feel
2:18
affect things even down to the
2:19
sensitivity of certain behaviors I mean
2:22
I think about even for myself when I'm
2:24
near my cycle even just getting my
2:26
eyebrows waxed is so much more painful
2:28
uh because of the sensitivity that
2:30
happens and so when you think about the
2:31
way we have to deal with our environment
2:34
and and hormonal influxes is new first
2:37
of all in the teen years but it's so
2:39
uncomfortable and and weird and strange
2:42
and if you aren't a family that talks
2:44
about that they may not even understand
2:46
what's going on with them in the first
2:47
place and so we want to talk about what
2:50
to expect and and how to look for that
2:52
and then as parents we need to be keyed
2:54
in to this might be part of the factors
2:57
that are affecting our teens changes
3:00
um I recently did an episode on inside
3:02
out too and I think that's a really fun
3:05
one to watch maybe before you watch this
3:07
one just because the whole thing is
3:08
about Riley and her changes and um when
3:11
she she goes into puberty and so that's
3:13
another episode to dig into but another
3:16
reason that you'll find uh issues
3:19
perhaps in the teen years is they're
3:21
trying to become their own identity and
3:23
it's developmentally appropriate they're
3:25
trying to figure out who they are what
3:28
they believe which can lead
3:30
some experimenting for them and Boundary
3:32
testing they're going to start seeing
3:34
what limits they can test and depending
3:36
on the parenting environment and the
3:39
communication that's gone on with that
3:41
and the parents desire to hold on to uh
3:45
their child being just the way their
3:46
child is and not giving room for that
3:48
identity exploration you can bump up
3:51
against some push back there so it's
3:53
important to recognize that that's a
3:54
natural part of this progression another
3:58
factor is when we uh start to go into
4:02
our teen years peer pressure becomes a
4:04
huge uh part of our development and our
4:07
desire to fit in with peers it can lead
4:10
to risky behaviors sometimes
4:13
compromising our own values so that we
4:15
have belonging and that can include
4:17
substance use or some Defiance and and
4:20
as a mental health professional we want
4:22
to encourage not shaming or judging what
4:25
we would call experimental use because
4:27
that's kind of part of this identity uh
4:29
figuring out and trying to figure out
4:32
belonging and peer pressure and things
4:34
like that and so it's not to say we want
4:35
to encourage this uh exploratory
4:38
substance use but it is very normal and
4:40
common and there's of course potential
4:42
for mental health issues so conditions
4:45
like depression anxiety um and conduct
4:48
disorders can manifest as challenging
4:50
behaviors but we want to look at the
4:52
biology of the brain and recognize that
4:54
sometimes these are these are factors
4:56
that are that are in no control of the
4:58
Teen themselves and so before uh judging
5:01
depression and anxiety and and perhaps
5:03
push back that might look like conduct
5:05
disorder we want to understand what's
5:07
happening in the body and the brain and
5:09
get get assessments uh done properly and
5:11
proactively when you think about um the
5:15
the excess use of of screens and social
5:19
media and the increase in anxiety and
5:22
depression among our teens it's
5:24
astounding and so that's part of the
5:26
social makeup that exists today that
5:28
didn't happen perhaps if you're a parent
5:31
in our generation it just wasn't as
5:33
predominantly part of how our brains
5:36
were developing and so we have to look
5:38
at that as a potential Factor that's
5:40
influencing our mental health and
5:42
perhaps look at setting limits or
5:44
boundaries around that topic family
5:46
Dynamics are going to be a huge factor
5:48
that contributes to how our teens are
5:50
behaving if there's a lot of family
5:52
conflict if there's lack of
5:54
communication inconsistent parenting
5:57
these contribute to behavioral issues so
6:00
often times teens uh will be brought in
6:02
to see us as therapists and I bring in
6:04
the parents and I go let's talk about
6:06
the foundation what's happening in their
6:08
environment that they don't have any
6:09
control over and how are we impacting
6:12
their behavior or they're acting out or
6:14
or truthfully how they're adapting to
6:17
the environment around them and let's
6:19
look at that and understand that and is
6:21
is a child creating a lot of con
6:23
conflict and is that because that's what
6:25
they see and what they've learned and
6:26
how can we look at some fundamental
6:28
changes that can happen happen in the
6:30
family system in order to contribute to
6:32
positive changes in the behavior of our
6:34
teens you know something I noticed in my
6:37
family with my children was specifically
6:39
related to academic pressure you know as
6:42
soon as that started to become U more
6:45
powerful the stress from the schoolwork
6:47
the homework the hours on end of having
6:49
to hold still pressure to succeed it can
6:52
lead to acting out it can lead to
6:54
withdrawal um and it can it can really
6:57
Set uh our teens off into a place where
7:00
they're not they go from the Carefree uh
7:03
time of being able to play and be
7:05
childish to having this per this
7:08
pressure put on them and depending on
7:09
the school environment that they're in
7:11
that can be even greater and so we want
7:14
to look at that transition and that
7:15
adjustment it's it's real and so we want
7:17
to provide opportunities for our teens
7:20
to have Outlets to off gas some of this
7:23
pressure and have balance in play and to
7:25
be silly we don't want them to lose
7:27
those things another Factor that will
7:30
will affect all of us but often times
7:32
it's changing in the the developmental
7:34
time of a teen is their sleep and their
7:36
diet you know I can think back to my
7:39
teen years and and I was you know
7:41
feeding myself at lunch from the vending
7:42
Mach machine and it might look like a a
7:44
Nutter butter or a honey bun and you
7:47
know a soda and I think about the lack
7:48
of nutrition and how that would
7:50
negatively impact our overall well-being
7:52
and it's so silly but it it majorly
7:55
affects us and then back to the homework
7:57
piece sometimes we're up so late and if
7:59
our kids are playing a sport or they're
8:00
involved in you know theater or things
8:02
they're they're they at late they're
8:04
late uh they're at school late and then
8:06
they're having to do their homework when
8:08
they get home they're staying up too
8:10
late and that lack of sleep I mean think
8:11
about how you feel when you don't sleep
8:14
enough it affects our mood and affects
8:16
our ability to tolerate the pressures
8:18
around us and so some of those Baseline
8:20
behaviors can really help to affect our
8:23
overall mood and and and the way we're
8:26
showing up we also have the impact of
8:28
media so exposure to certain types of
8:31
media content can shape our teens
8:33
Behavior our expectations their
8:35
expectations and so if we understand
8:38
some of these underlying causes it can
8:40
help us to start getting curious and
8:42
creative about how do we want to address
8:44
and manage difficult behaviors more
8:47
effectively so something that often
8:49
times is forgotten and and now we're
8:51
going to get into the nuts and bolts
8:52
about things that we can do to try to
8:54
help clear up some of these behaviors
8:57
and I know that so many shows and
8:59
podcasts and clips on the internet and
9:01
reals talk about boundary setting but
9:03
setting boundaries is absolutely crucial
9:06
when we're parenting teens they're
9:07
looking for the edges and we must
9:09
provide them especially those with
9:12
behavior issues boundaries provide
9:14
structure it helps teens to understand
9:16
what's expected of them and if we don't
9:19
have that understanding in our own
9:21
selves about what we expect those
9:23
unexpressed expectations are certainly
9:26
going to lead to disappointment and
9:28
ultimately failure and the children to
9:30
follow them they can't follow if they
9:32
haven't been told what those things
9:34
should look like and so one of the
9:36
factors with boundaries that have to be
9:38
uh paid attention to is consistency and
9:41
we all get tired as parents we don't
9:44
want to necessarily be the bad guy we
9:46
you know we've told our child however
9:48
many times to put the dishes in the the
9:50
dishwasher and you know when we've said
9:53
for the third time you're not going to
9:55
be able to you know do X Y or Z and we
9:58
don't follow through our children learn
10:00
uh we don't really have to follow
10:03
through because Mom or Dad aren't going
10:04
to be consistent and so ensuring that
10:06
our boundaries are consistent is
10:08
critical leads to testing of limits and
10:11
further confusion when we're not
10:13
consistent with the boundaries so an
10:15
example like if you set a curfew for
10:17
1000 p.m. and you want to make sure it's
10:19
enforced every night allowing exceptions
10:22
without a really valid reason can
10:24
undermine the rule and then they will
10:26
catalog and they will push back and
10:28
throw at you for sure but remember last
10:30
week I got home at 11 and you didn't
10:33
seem to have a problem with it then what
10:35
what why the difference now and probably
10:37
that was a lack of assertion on the
10:39
parents part because of whatever their
10:41
variables are they were tired they
10:42
didn't hear they didn't want to address
10:44
it they didn't want the conflict and so
10:47
again that's on us as parents to make
10:48
sure we're consistent with our boundary
10:50
setting we want to be clear being clear
10:53
is kind being clear about what the
10:55
boundaries are what um and why they're
10:58
important I think is really critical we
11:00
want to teach kids how to think not just
11:02
how to be compliant and so if you say
11:04
you know it's really important to me
11:06
that you're not walking around past
11:07
curfew um outside uh because it's not
11:10
safe and oftentimes people will misjudge
11:13
what you're doing and I don't want you
11:14
to be In Harm's Way uh when there's a
11:17
there's no need for that so teens are a
11:18
lot more likely to respect boundaries if
11:20
they understand the reasoning behind
11:23
them we we also want to make sure like I
11:26
said we're clear about the uh reason for
11:28
the boundar
11:30
communication is key they we want to
11:32
encourage our our children to
11:33
communicate and that it's not just one
11:35
way so we want to have open
11:37
communication with our teen about these
11:39
boundaries we want to encourage them to
11:41
express their thoughts and feelings and
11:43
listen actively now make no mistake that
11:46
I don't mean that all of a sudden
11:49
because they have an opinion or a
11:50
thought about something that that's how
11:52
we're going to go and we're going to
11:53
change the expectation around it but I
11:55
think it's important that kids are heard
11:58
and and even valid ated you know they
12:00
want to stay out late because their
12:01
friends are allowed to stay out later
12:03
and we know that that's hard to be left
12:05
out or to feel like we're you know being
12:08
treated like a baby and so you want to
12:09
honor that feeling and be validated uh
12:12
or invalidate them about that reason but
12:14
then also say and I know that but in our
12:16
house here are the reasons why we're
12:18
going to go ahead and stick with this
12:20
timeline so you might want to have a
12:22
family meeting to discuss a curfew allow
12:25
your team to voice their opinions and
12:27
then we can have uh more mutual
12:29
agreement and better adherence and maybe
12:31
there's even some room for compromise if
12:33
we listen to them so remember boundaries
12:35
are not just about restrictions they're
12:37
about creating a safe and supportive
12:39
environment for your team to grow and
12:41
Thrive and for you to continue to
12:43
harness and hone in on two-way
12:45
communication so let's say things aren't
12:48
going so well and we need to have a
12:49
behavior action plan because for
12:51
whatever reason uh whether those first
12:54
parts of boundary setting haven't been
12:55
working or they haven't been consistent
12:57
enough we need to talk about an action
12:59
plan what what's a concrete contract uh
13:02
that that can be used to help get us
13:05
clear and to get our kids kids clear and
13:07
so these plans are essential for
13:09
addressing specific behavior issues and
13:11
for helping your teen develop better
13:13
habits so I'm going to give you guys
13:15
some instruction on how to create a an
13:17
effective Behavior action plan because
13:20
it kind of can feel a little bit um
13:23
foreign if you haven't done something
13:24
like this so it's going to start with
13:26
identifying a behavior you want to
13:28
clearly Define the behavior that needs
13:30
to change so for example you're coming
13:33
uh if you're for example if your teens
13:35
frequently skipping homework you want to
13:37
identify this as the behavior that needs
13:40
to change and you want to explain why
13:43
it's unacceptable and how we want things
13:46
to change so the you know the the
13:48
missing their homework affects their
13:50
academic performance in the long run
13:53
affects their their grades and then
13:56
potentially outcomes about their future
13:58
academic desires we want to set goals
14:01
with the behavior action plan so we're
14:03
going to establish realistic and
14:04
achievable goals for the teen how do
14:06
they win how can they come out on top
14:09
these goals should be specific
14:11
measurable and time bound so you're
14:13
going to set your goal for your teen for
14:15
example complete uh all your homework
14:17
assignments on time for the next two
14:19
weeks and then you're going to develop
14:21
strategies with them to make sure they
14:23
can be successful so that you don't want
14:25
them to feel like a lone wolf that they
14:27
don't have any support so you're going
14:28
to work with them to develop strategies
14:31
for achieving these goals this might
14:33
include setting up a reward system
14:35
providing additional support maybe they
14:37
need a tutor or specific after school
14:40
time with a you know with a with another
14:42
student um or help them seek
14:44
professional help if there's some
14:46
emotional barriers to being able to uh
14:49
tolerate the distress around getting
14:51
their homework done so you might create
14:53
a homework schedule together you know
14:55
from 4: to 5:00 you're going to do
14:57
homework you're going to take a break
14:59
and go outside and run around and do
15:00
something from 5 to 6 6 will come in and
15:03
we'll eat and then you can continue from
15:05
6:00 to 7: and if we're done you'll get
15:08
a reward like extra screen time for
15:10
completing these assignments on time so
15:12
we want to give them some incentive
15:14
because otherwise they can't really see
15:15
the light at the end of the tunnel
15:17
especially in the early teen years when
15:19
those academic pressures start to mount
15:22
it's a it's a big adjustment and we need
15:24
to be honoring of that we want to
15:26
monitor the progress so regularly
15:28
checking in on your team progress
15:29
celebrate success and address any
15:32
setbacks uh with understanding and
15:34
support so you know you didn't get this
15:36
part of your homework done but you were
15:37
really overwhelmed and stressed out and
15:39
you weren't able to find some support
15:42
you know uh by your peers or on the
15:44
Internet let's talk about how we can do
15:46
that so you want to review the homework
15:48
schedule weekly acknowledge efforts and
15:51
if there are minor setbacks talk about
15:53
ways to adjust the action plan so that
15:55
it can be uh successful so a behavior
15:59
action plan it's a collaborative effort
16:01
it involves the teen in the process
16:03
which will increase their commitment to
16:05
making positive changes I if they can
16:07
get some Buy in they will definitely um
16:11
be more apt to follow through but let's
16:13
say that doesn't work and they don't
16:16
follow through and they aren't motivated
16:18
by the additional uh benefits or rewards
16:21
that come from following through we need
16:23
to have ahead of time notice I said
16:26
ahead of time it's not after the fact we
16:28
need to establish clear consequences you
16:30
don't speed down the street get your
16:33
ticket and not know what's coming you
16:34
know that at this amount over it's this
16:36
amount of a fine if you go this much
16:39
over you you you know you might have to
16:41
do traffic school or you're going to
16:43
have to pay more on your insurance we
16:45
know this as a driver we know we have
16:47
clear consequences and when we make the
16:49
decision to go too fast we know that
16:51
we're doing that with inevitable
16:53
potential consequence so having these
16:56
clear consequences can help reinforce
16:58
boundaries and of course the behavior
17:00
action plans so I'm going to give you
17:02
some tips here about setting uh
17:04
effective consequences a lot of times
17:07
this is an area of difficulty for for
17:09
parents and so the first step is to be
17:12
specific you want to clearly outline
17:14
what the consequences will be for
17:16
specific behaviors you want to avoid
17:19
vague or open-ended consequences example
17:22
if your teen misses their curfew the
17:24
consequence might be that they lose
17:26
weekend privileges for a week you came
17:28
in late you're not going to get to go
17:29
next week that's just the that's just
17:31
the the consequence for the choice that
17:33
you made for being late but you want it
17:36
to be fair so you want to ensure that
17:38
the consequence is fair and
17:40
proportionate to the behavior if they
17:42
come in late we don't want to you don't
17:44
want to punish them for for two months
17:46
because then there's no hope of having
17:48
changed Behavior come back so overly
17:51
harsh consequences can lead to
17:53
resentment and ultimately Rebellion if I
17:55
can never get it right then screw it why
17:58
try and I'm going to just go do whatever
18:00
it is that I want so if your teen
18:02
forgets to do a chore a fair consequence
18:04
might be an extra chore the next day
18:07
rather than grounding them for a week
18:08
you want to have something that's
18:10
proportionate to the experience you want
18:12
to be immediate so implement the
18:14
consequence as soon as possible after a
18:17
behavior occurs because delaying the
18:19
consequence it can lose the
18:20
effectiveness especially when kids are a
18:23
little bit younger they they've even
18:24
forgotten how they felt when they got in
18:26
trouble so if your teens up and lying
18:29
for example address it immediately with
18:31
a consequence like maybe loss of a phone
18:34
privilege for the day and then they get
18:35
it back tomorrow they lied they lose the
18:37
phone for the day they have it back
18:39
tomorrow they understand that that's a
18:40
consequence for being dishonest you want
18:43
to be consistent again we talked about
18:44
it with boundary setting we're going to
18:46
talk about it with ensuring that our
18:47
consequences are enforced and so
18:50
consistency is really key applying
18:53
consequences consistently will reinforce
18:56
the importance of boundaries and
18:58
Behavior action plans so if the
19:00
consequence for missing the curfew is
19:02
losing weekend privileges you want to
19:04
ensure this is applied every time the
19:06
curfew is missed that way they learn um
19:09
that this is not a a maybe situation
19:13
it's also important to balance
19:14
consequences with the positive
19:16
reinforcement hey I've really enjoyed
19:18
you know hanging out with you lately
19:21
your attitude's been awesome and I want
19:23
to acknowledge this and reward your
19:25
efforts um because ultimately we are we
19:28
are motivated by pride and those um
19:31
acknowledgements and and praise end up
19:34
creating future behavior and this can
19:37
motivate them to continue making more
19:39
positive changes and so I know this is
19:42
just a bite about how we can uh do a few
19:45
things to parent difficult teens but we
19:48
want to make sure that um you know if
19:51
this isn't enough and you've tried these
19:52
things we want to get some um help by
19:54
seeing a therapist um some support
19:57
groups things like that to help you um
19:59
because parenting a difficult uh Team
20:02
can be challenging but with clear
20:04
boundaries well thought out Behavior
20:06
action plans when those boundaries
20:07
didn't work and of course consistent
20:09
consequences you can help guide your
20:11
team towards better behavior and of
20:13
course better relationships with you and
20:15
your family and a more positive future
20:18
you're setting them up for Success
20:19
because in in the world when they leave
20:21
your house they have consequences they
20:23
have expectations and we want them to be
20:25
used to navigating those things and so
20:28
um I know parenting your teens are hard
20:31
believe me I've done it five times and I
20:34
recognize that those moments are kind of
20:36
like maddening and they do move through
20:39
it they do become people you want to
20:41
spend time with talk to and hang out
20:43
with um remember it's not their fault
20:46
and their brains are regressing during
20:48
that time of development and so we want
20:50
to be uh compassionate and conscientious
20:52
about how we're addressing them um but
20:54
ultimately stay strong uh keep parenting
20:57
with purpose and and giving it your best
21:00
and just know that you're not alone so
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hopefully you found this helpful in
21:04
parenting difficult teens um please put
21:07
your comments below if you want some
21:09
more uh insights or thoughts or just to
21:12
talk about your experience of parenting
21:14
a hard te um but until we meet again
21:17
don't forget to lead with love it'll
21:19
never steer you wrong
21:25
[Music]
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you
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[Music]
#Mental Health
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