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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over how to respond rather than react, highlighting 5 key habits that support emotional regulation and intentional behavior. We explore why reactive patterns often stem from survival instincts and how simple, consistent practices like pausing, breathing, and observing can create space between stimulus and response. These habits empower us to navigate challenges with clarity, reduce conflict, and strengthen relationships. Learn how to shift from automatic reactions to thoughtful responses that reflect your values and goals.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly O'Horo and this is
0:09
Adaptable Behavior Explained hi
0:12
everybody thanks for tuning in today to
0:14
Adaptable Behavior Explained i'm your
0:17
host Kelly O'Horo and today we're going
0:19
to discuss the difference between
0:21
reacting versus responding and in order
0:24
to have a good understanding about that
0:27
we're going to look at the brain and the
0:28
brain's function and my most favorite
0:32
activity to share with clients as a
0:34
counselor is Dan Seagull's hand model of
0:37
the brain so I'm going to do it with you
0:38
so you're going to imagine that your
0:39
hand is a brain and that the wrist
0:41
represents the spinal cord and the palm
0:44
is the brain stem and the thumb is
0:46
tucked in the palm and this is this is
0:48
all the lyic system the parasympathetic
0:50
and sympathetic nervous system and then
0:52
you've got your amydala and the amygdala
0:55
is the um alarm system for the body and
0:58
it's always on and it determines what do
1:01
I see taste feel touch sense and it's
1:04
it's really fast it's on when we're
1:05
sleeping and so we can trust that the
1:07
amydala is going to keep us alert and
1:09
what's going on and so we then have our
1:11
prefrontal cortex and that is where a
1:13
reasonable responsible decision-making
1:16
part comes from our brain and when we're
1:19
triggered or when we get activated what
1:21
happens is our lyic system our alarm
1:24
system says threat and it's perceived as
1:27
threat and our prefrontal cortex goes
1:30
offline and it goes offline one million
1:32
times faster than anything we can think
1:34
or decide and that's by design because
1:37
if we slowed down too much we wouldn't
1:39
be able to make a fast decision so if
1:41
we're driving down the street and we're
1:43
like a ball rolls in front of our car we
1:46
don't think "Oh gee I better slow down
1:48
or I'm going to you know run over that
1:50
ball that might be being chased by a
1:53
child and how terrible that would be for
1:54
the parents." We just slam our foot on
1:56
the brakes and we avoid the crash
1:59
hopefully and that's because our alarm
2:01
says threat danger and it sends us a
2:04
sign to our nervous system that says
2:05
respond or react and so when that
2:07
happens our prefrontal cortex goes
2:09
offline and it's one million times um
2:12
slower than our prefrontal cortex
2:14
activity so let's say that you get
2:16
reactive in a relationship in an
2:18
argument or in a fight and then you you
2:20
kind of bang your head later and you say
2:23
"Why do I keep doing that why do I keep
2:24
acting this way this isn't who I want to
2:26
be this isn't what my partner deserves."
2:28
And the answer that I tell my clients is
2:30
that's because your brain was offline
2:32
your prefrontal cortex was offline and
2:34
you were in a trauma response it was a
2:36
reaction not a response and so it's
2:39
really important to recognize that's
2:40
what's happening so that you can kind of
2:41
unshame yourself and recognize the
2:43
reaction is limbic and it's because you
2:46
were triggered into a danger response
2:49
and ultimately the work that we do in
2:51
trauma therapy is to help slow down that
2:54
reactivity so that we don't have such a
2:57
quick emotional response and that we can
2:59
think and feel and be rational and we
3:01
can say you know this is this is what's
3:03
come up and we can bring that down and
3:06
our um response can be reasonable and so
3:09
I love Victor Frankle because he talks
3:11
about the space between the stimulus and
3:13
a response and I love it because he says
3:16
and I'm going to go ahead and quote him
3:18
he says between the stimulus and
3:19
response there is space and in that
3:22
space is our power to choose our
3:24
response in our response lies our growth
3:27
and our freedom so this space is crucial
3:30
because it allows us to pause and it
3:33
allows us to be more thoughtful and to
3:35
choose something that's more in line
3:36
with who we are today as opposed to uh
3:40
reacting impulsively and so you know
3:43
that you get triggered we all do we're
3:45
mammals that get reactive and
3:47
unfortunately it's not like we're deer
3:49
we're scared by a predator and so we run
3:51
off you know we would go "Oh my gosh
3:53
it's this time of day and there's a
3:55
predator came here and this isn't a
3:57
dangerous watering hole." Whereas a deer
3:59
is like "That's over." And they come
4:00
back they process that data they know
4:03
that there's nobody here right now and I
4:04
need to go get water and so I can you
4:07
know utilize that space but we as humans
4:10
we don't respond the same way we
4:12
remember that data we encode it
4:13
maladaptively often times and then we go
4:16
we can't come here because it's a
4:17
dangerous place and so how do we expand
4:20
that space so that we can gain more
4:22
control over our reactions so today I'm
4:25
going to give you some practical tips
4:26
and techniques that are designed to help
4:29
us bring down that space bring down our
4:32
prefrontal cortex and increase the space
4:34
between that stimulus and our reaction
4:37
so that we can have a more adult
4:39
response so the first thing I'm going to
4:41
talk about is 478 breathing so we're
4:44
going to breathe in and and breathing
4:46
and all breath interventions are really
4:48
effective because they're always
4:50
available to us they don't cost us any
4:52
money they can help us change states
4:54
within like one minute and so everybody
4:57
has a minute to shift states and so 478
4:59
breath we're going to breathe in for 4
5:02
seconds and we're going to have the tip
5:03
of our tongue to the back of our teeth
5:05
when we breathe in and we're going to
5:07
breathe in through our nose so we're
5:08
breathing in for four and then we're
5:10
holding for
5:12
seven and then we're exhaling for eight
5:15
and that eight count really needs to be
5:17
a deep breath out your mouth all the way
5:19
from your belly and your diaphragm and
5:21
exhale for eight so the first one is 478
5:24
breathing in for four hold for seven
5:27
exhale out the mouth for eight the next
5:29
type of breathing is box breathing or
5:32
full square breathing and it's simple
5:33
and effective and it helps calm our
5:35
nervous system just like 478 breathing
5:37
so I want you to try them both and see
5:39
which one you like better i like 478
5:41
better because we only need three cycles
5:43
and then we're in that in about a minute
5:45
and then we're good to go so but with a
5:47
box breathing we're going to inhale
5:48
slowly through our nose for 4 seconds
5:51
we're going to hold our breath for a
5:53
count of four and then we're going to
5:54
exhale slowly again out your mouth for a
5:57
count of four and then you hold your
5:59
breath again for a count of four so you
6:01
go through the cycle like a box and then
6:04
you're going to repeat that cycle
6:05
several times again all breathing
6:07
techniques help us regulate our breath
6:09
reduce stress change our nervous system
6:12
reaction now the next thing that takes a
6:14
little bit more practice is mindfulness
6:17
meditation mindfulness and meditation
6:19
are huge buzzwords these days but a lot
6:22
of times people require they add
6:24
stimulus even in their their meditation
6:27
practices with apps and things like that
6:28
and I'm not saying that's a bad thing
6:30
but you're really doing well when you
6:33
can meditate or be mindful with
6:35
meditation without any interruptions and
6:38
you're able to just be in the present
6:39
moment without judging it without
6:41
evaluating it and you're able to just
6:44
practice a mindful meditative practice
6:46
and a formal practice really ought to be
6:48
adopted so that you can check yourself
6:51
in between the stimulus and the response
6:53
and it changes the brain there are
6:55
several things that change the brain
6:56
meditation is one yoga is another and in
7:00
EMDR therapy we know changes the way the
7:02
brain fires data and fires reactivity so
7:05
with meditation I'm just going to walk
7:06
you through this a lot of people figure
7:09
that meditation is about there's a lot
7:11
of supposed to it's about emptying your
7:13
mind and that's just not the truth so
7:15
you're going to find a quiet place to
7:17
sit or lie or stand you're going to
7:19
close your eyes and just take a few deep
7:21
breaths and then you're going to focus
7:23
on your breath you're going to notice
7:25
the sensation of your breath think about
7:27
the air entering and leaving your body
7:30
and if your mind wanders because minds
7:32
wander you're going to just gently bring
7:34
your focus back to your breath and
7:36
you're going to practice for like 5 to
7:37
10 minutes daily most people have 5 to
7:40
10 minutes daily you know you have five
7:42
or 10 minutes in your life to put down
7:44
your phone to stop scrolling to stop
7:46
watching so much TV and tune in to
7:49
yourself it just doesn't take that much
7:51
to create those beautiful changes in the
7:53
brain so the regular practice or a
7:55
formal practice of meditation helps to
7:57
increase awareness again if I know that
8:00
I'm triggered then I have more space
8:02
between that stimulus and reaction to
8:04
respond instead of react and when we
8:06
have improved reactivity and reduced
8:08
reactivity we have better relationships
8:10
more proud of oursel we're able to um
8:13
have more emotion regulation and it's
8:15
just it's too easy not to do and so I
8:18
highly recommend that i got to say that
8:20
on the on the topic of meditation about
8:23
two years ago my husband and I went to a
8:25
meditation retreat in New York with John
8:27
Katzen and I got to tell you I was so
8:29
freaking anxious about going to this
8:31
retreat because I thought a week in my
8:33
brain this sounds like a special kind of
8:35
hell and I actually cried when I signed
8:37
up for the workshop because I thought
8:38
"This is a terrible thing." And I'm one
8:40
who seeks discomfort i lean into it and
8:43
I'm like "Okay if I'm upset and I'm
8:44
freaked out about this this is exactly
8:46
what I need to do." So of course I sign
8:48
up and we go to this meditation retreat
8:50
and I'm the good student and I do the
8:52
things and I'm sitting alert and I'm
8:54
focusing and I'm doing all the things
8:55
that they're explaining to us and
8:57
practicing keep in mind we're meditating
8:59
like 10 to 15 hours a day i mean this
9:02
was no joke and so anyway for me being
9:04
in my mind that sounded terrible but by
9:07
day three I experienced this euphoria
9:09
that I had never experienced before that
9:12
grounded me in a space that I really
9:14
never even knew was possible and I love
9:17
it so much now i hate the days that I
9:20
don't meditate i miss it when I don't
9:22
because it just creates a sense of calm
9:25
and tranquility and it helps me to just
9:28
navigate the stressors of my life on the
9:29
day-to-day way better when I'm
9:31
practicing meditation so a formal
9:33
meditation practice I'm asking you to
9:35
start with 5 to 10 minutes that's a
9:37
great place to start and then you can
9:38
work your way up to you know I do 15 to
9:41
20 minutes four to five days a week i
9:43
wish I did more days a week but but
9:44
that's what I'm currently practicing and
9:46
and I think that the research shows if
9:48
you can do 60 minutes a week you're in
9:50
pretty good shape so I'm I'm well within
9:52
that but we also have grounding
9:55
techniques that you can use and they
9:56
help you stay connected to the present
9:58
moment especially during those times of
10:00
stress when we get reactive so one
10:03
effective method is the 5 4 3 2 1
10:06
technique so how this works is you
10:09
identify five things that you can see so
10:11
I would say you know Taylor that cup our
10:14
lighting in the studio this table and my
10:18
glass of water over there and then four
10:21
things that I can touch so I would touch
10:22
I would say like this chair this mic my
10:25
hair you know the mic stand um my
10:29
necklace and so on and so forth and so
10:32
then you're going to um identify three
10:34
things that you can hear so I'll stop
10:36
right now i can hear the buzz of the air
10:39
conditioner
10:41
and the
10:46
lights it's pretty quiet otherwise so I
10:49
can't hear a third thing but I did
10:51
listen for three and then two things
10:52
that you can smell so you Right now I
10:55
can't smell anything out here but I
10:57
could grab essential oils or smell some
10:59
food in my fridge um and and then you
11:01
can identify something that you can
11:03
taste so maybe I'd put a mint in my
11:04
mouth or or um you know or I could like
11:07
lip my li lick my lips i've got some lip
11:09
gloss that kind of has a taste so you
11:11
want to identify one thing that you can
11:12
taste and these techniques help us to
11:14
reduce anxiety because it brings us
11:16
right here right now and that helps us
11:18
to prevent anxiety and emotional
11:20
overwhelm and those are things that help
11:23
us to not react another thing that I
11:26
want to teach you is called cognitive
11:28
restructuring it's fancy language but
11:30
ultimately it just involves identifying
11:32
and challenging a negative thought that
11:34
we're having so to practice you're going
11:36
to notice when you have a negative
11:38
thought that's automatic and you're
11:40
going to ask yourself if that thought is
11:42
based on facts or assumptions and then
11:44
you're going to challenge the thought by
11:46
considering an alternative perspective
11:49
and then you're going to replace that
11:50
negative thought with a more balanced or
11:52
realistic one and this technique helps
11:54
shift you and your mindset to reduce
11:57
emotional reactivity so I'll give you an
11:59
example about how I reminded someone
12:01
this very um technique the other day i
12:03
have a friend that I'm working with and
12:05
she gets really overwhelmed by
12:07
technology and she said to herself "I'm
12:11
really bad at computers and anything
12:13
technical." And I said "Can I ask you to
12:16
slow down for a second and just think
12:18
about the way you talked to yourself i
12:20
am bad at this." And she goes "Oh gosh I
12:23
didn't notice that I did that." And I
12:24
said "I'd like you to just question this
12:27
cognitive restructuring the way that we
12:28
just did with you." And she goes "Gosh I
12:31
never realized that I do that." And I
12:32
said "The more that we reinforce those
12:34
thoughts about ourselves the more they
12:37
become the default path." And so I said
12:39
"Would you mind just saying it a
12:41
different way I can learn hard things
12:43
and I can be frustrated and I can still
12:45
learn?" And she goes "Yeah that's
12:46
probably helpful." And I said "This is
12:48
something that we really want to work
12:49
with ourselves as well as with our
12:51
clients." And so it's just slight little
12:53
variations in our thinking that can
12:56
restructure the way our brains default
12:58
modes really want to work because of
13:00
habits about how we talk to ourselves
13:02
and I think this is a really helpful
13:04
skill set to learn in order to change
13:06
the way that we think and the pathways
13:08
that are built and established in our
13:10
brains so the next technique that I'm
13:13
going to share with you is is called
13:14
progressive muscle relaxation and so
13:17
this involves tensing and then relaxing
13:19
different muscle groups in our body so
13:22
you're going to find a comfortable place
13:23
to sit or lie down and you're going to
13:25
start with your feet and I actually love
13:27
this one it's a fun little game I play
13:28
when I have a hard time getting to sleep
13:30
and so you're going to start by tensing
13:32
up your
13:33
feet and then relax and then calves and
13:38
then
13:38
relax tighten your thighs and then relax
13:42
and you're going to work your way all
13:44
the way through all the muscle groups
13:46
and then you finish with your face and
13:48
your head and and do it for a little bit
13:49
longer than I'm modeling you know you
13:51
want to kind of squint your face and
13:54
then relax and thinking about that
13:56
because when you progressively tense and
13:59
release the muscles in your body it
14:01
totally helps to promote relaxation and
14:04
automatically reduces physical tension
14:06
and I can't tell you how many people
14:07
that I work with say "I never even
14:09
realize how tight I am all the time
14:12
until you have me do these things." And
14:13
then they're like "I didn't realize I
14:15
have knots all in my shoulder you know
14:17
um until you said tight in your
14:19
shoulder." And then you I relaxed and
14:20
the absence of that tightness was so new
14:23
for me and so these practices really
14:26
help if you can incorporate some of
14:27
these practices into your daily routine
14:29
even if it's just for a few minutes like
14:31
let's just say 10 minutes a day it can
14:34
make a significant difference in
14:36
recognizing how you feel state specific
14:39
if you're anxious if you're agitated if
14:41
you're frustrated and help you to really
14:43
get a little bit more space between that
14:45
stimulus and your reaction so that you
14:47
can respond in kind with how you want to
14:50
behave more often um and try different
14:54
techniques find the ones that work best
14:55
for you and you know put reminders in
14:58
your phone i know that if it's not in my
15:00
my calendar and it's not a reminder it's
15:02
not happening you know I've got to put
15:04
it in and I have meditate i have cold
15:07
plunge i have stop and do a few deep
15:09
breathing exercises in the middle of my
15:11
day i do a couple of other strategies in
15:13
between sessions so that I can be
15:15
grounded with my clients and so it's
15:17
really just important that you practice
15:19
ones that work into your life but you've
15:20
got to put those reminders in your phone
15:22
or you just won't do it it's hard to
15:24
establish new practices and habits if we
15:26
don't put it into our to-do list and
15:28
we've got to take it from that to-do
15:29
list and put it into our action item
15:31
which is oftentimes our calendars so
15:33
setting reminders and things like that
15:34
can help you i think a lot of people
15:36
wear those Apple watches now i don't I
15:38
couldn't handle it going off and driving
15:40
me crazy and interrupting me while I was
15:42
doing things but those Apple watches
15:44
even have settings where it's like stop
15:46
and breathe or stop and stand up and so
15:48
we know that we are missing these
15:50
activities and we know that it's
15:52
unhealthy to be in these constant states
15:54
of stress so I want you to think about
15:56
these techniques we talked about
15:57
breathing techniques we did uh box
15:59
breathing and 478 we talked about
16:02
mindfulness and meditation we talked
16:04
about grounding exercises and cognitive
16:06
restructuring and progressive muscle
16:08
relaxation and all of these things you
16:10
can use to um bring your nervous system
16:13
into a different state of being and if
16:16
you practice these techniques regularly
16:18
you're going to see the benefits i
16:19
promise just try it and when you do try
16:22
it definitely chime in to the comments
16:24
below and let us know how it's going
16:25
because I love to see those changes that
16:27
happen in people's lives so thank you so
16:31
much for tuning in today to Adaptable i
16:33
hope that this helped you and that you
16:35
practice some of these strategies to
16:37
improve the space between your response
16:39
or between the stimulus and the response
16:41
so that you have fewer reactivities your
16:44
relationships and in your lives so until
16:46
we meet again don't forget to lead with
16:48
love it'll never steer you wrong
16:52
[Music]
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