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Growing through Grief
Aug 28, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, Growing through Grief with Kelly O’Horo, we explore how connection, compassion, and self-awareness can support the healing process after loss. Whether you’re navigating your own grief or supporting someone through theirs, this conversation offers guidance and encouragement to remind you that you are not alone. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
there. Thanks for tuning in today to
0:14
Adaptable. My name is Kelly O'Horo and
0:16
I'm your host. And I created this
0:19
podcast to share with people who may not
0:22
know why people act the way they act and
0:24
help people to better understand their
0:26
adaptations to stress and the
0:27
environment and, you know, their
0:29
upbringing. And today I'm going to talk
0:32
to you about grief because this is a
0:34
topic that really doesn't escape
0:37
anybody. We all end up grieving. we end
0:39
up grieving things that we've gone
0:41
through, things that we've lost. And um
0:46
I think that most people don't
0:47
understand that that grieving is a part
0:49
of life. And so hopefully I can bring
0:52
some insights into this topic for you
0:54
and help you to move through moments of
0:57
grief if you happen to be going through
0:58
them or perhaps better understand
1:00
someone that you care about who is
1:02
struggling with something related to
1:04
grief. Grief is a deeply human
1:07
experience and like I said it touches
1:09
every one of us whether we've lost a
1:12
loved one or a relationship, a dream or
1:16
even a part of ourselves because of
1:17
something that has happened. Grief is
1:19
something that we all carry. But here's
1:21
what's often misunderstood that it isn't
1:24
linear. Uh it doesn't follow a tidy
1:27
path. It's not over and done with in a
1:30
certain amount of time. And it sure
1:31
doesn't look the same for everyone. We
1:34
all have different histories. We have
1:35
different um epigenetics, our family's
1:38
histories. We have different resilience
1:41
and emotional capacities depending on
1:43
how we were raised, how we were loved,
1:45
our attachment styles. There are so many
1:48
variables that determine and impact the
1:50
way that we grieve or the way that we um
1:53
compartmentalize or even end up
1:56
dissociating or fracture because of
1:58
grief. So, in this episode, we're going
2:01
to talk about the emotional landscape of
2:03
grief, some challenges, and some common
2:06
myths, and we're going to draw from the
2:08
work of my some of my favorite
2:10
researchers on emotions, which are Bnee
2:12
Brown and Yak Panksup, to better talk
2:15
about and understand what's really
2:16
happening, not just in our emotions and
2:18
our hearts, but our brains when we
2:20
grieve, because there's a lot of
2:22
physiology involved. So, what is grief?
2:26
Grief is more than sadness. It it's a
2:28
fullbody full contact emotion. There is
2:31
a full heart response to loss and it can
2:34
show up as anguish. It can show up as
2:36
numbness, anger, confusion, guilt, and
2:41
sometimes even relief. In the book, The
2:44
Atlas of the Heart, which if you don't
2:45
have it, I highly recommend picking that
2:47
up. It's uh Bnee Brown's most recent
2:49
book. She talks about grief as a cluster
2:52
of emotions, and it includes sadness,
2:55
longing, and even yearning. There's a
2:57
deep ache for something that's no longer
2:59
there with us. And it's not just about
3:02
death. A lot of times people think that
3:04
grief is just about loss, like death.
3:06
And that's just not true. We grieve
3:08
breakups. We grieve job losses. I can
3:11
remember when I um when I I I was
3:15
engaged to be married and I was with
3:17
this um guy for 5 years. And I can
3:19
remember after we broke up, I cried and
3:22
laid on the couch for like a whole week.
3:24
I just I barely could eat. like it was
3:27
awful. It was so much loss. And it
3:30
wasn't just loss of the relationship. It
3:32
was loss of the traditions we developed.
3:34
It was loss of the the family things
3:36
that we did together with with our
3:38
families and all of the the things that
3:40
we uh had developed in relationship. And
3:43
so it was it was a lot and it was it was
3:46
just a breakup in my early 20s, but it
3:48
was it was terrible. We we grieve over
3:51
things like job losses. um whether
3:53
they're by design where we want them to
3:56
be different or because they happened in
3:58
a blindsiding way. Um we lose our senses
4:01
of identity, our hopes and plans for
4:03
what we wanted to do. Health changes
4:07
create grief. You know, what's wrong
4:08
with me? I have deficiencies or
4:10
defectiveness and I'm not as capable of
4:13
doing things that I once was. or you
4:15
know I've even had to help people work
4:17
on grief with different diet
4:18
restrictions because of you know gut
4:20
issues that they have and they can't eat
4:22
certain foods and there's grief over
4:24
that and so we really underestimate how
4:27
much we all have to deal with grief and
4:30
it's not just about the the loss of
4:32
somebody uh it can be loss of identity
4:35
uh grief over our feelings of safety if
4:37
we've been harmed and so often in my
4:39
work I I witness people needing to
4:41
grieve even their childhoods for not
4:44
getting to be a child, not getting to
4:46
have time that is without stress or
4:49
overwhelm or strife and they were never
4:51
able to have a normal healthy childhood.
4:54
So we have to grieve that we didn't get
4:56
that stage of development and that's
4:58
hard. And the thing is is grief is the
5:01
price of love. We can't be in love with
5:04
self or others without the risk of
5:06
grief. And it's a reflection of what
5:08
mattered. It tells us that something was
5:10
important to us and we don't have it
5:12
anymore. And the truth is that grief
5:15
doesn't follow a script. You know
5:16
there's some popular um stages of grief
5:19
like you know the five stages of grief
5:21
model and it can be helpful because it
5:23
can normalize grief and it can it can
5:26
say you know we all will fit into
5:28
different parts of this at different
5:29
times but it was never you know meant to
5:32
be prescriptive. It was never meant to
5:34
be like a one-sizefits-all and if you're
5:35
grieving then you're in this or this
5:37
stage. That's not really how it works
5:39
because people don't move through stages
5:41
in order because of the histories like I
5:43
talked about or their different
5:44
emotional resilience or their support
5:46
systems. And some people skip different
5:49
stages of grief entirely. I was once
5:52
working with a patient and he had a wife
5:55
that was sick and um you know he started
5:59
grieving her well before she passed
6:01
away. And you know, I remember him
6:04
saying to me, I don't understand why I'm
6:06
not falling apart. And I said, you've
6:09
been dealing with losing her for a long
6:11
time because she, you know, her her
6:14
death was eminent. And he thought
6:16
something was wrong with him, that he
6:17
wasn't, you know, a huge mess. And I
6:19
said, "You've been dealing with this
6:21
little by little for quite some time."
6:22
And so that helped him to better
6:24
understand what was going on for him.
6:27
And other people revisit different
6:29
stages over and over depending on what
6:31
happens. I can think of an example of
6:33
somebody that I know who who lost a
6:35
parent when she was really young. And so
6:37
at different stages of her children's
6:39
development, things would be activated
6:40
because she would then be reminded of
6:42
what she went through at the same age.
6:44
And when we have this mirror of our
6:47
offspring that says, "Oh my gosh, this
6:49
is what life should look like if we
6:50
didn't go through this really hard
6:52
thing." And then we were not able to
6:54
have had it that way. It's a big huge
6:56
glaring reminder of what didn't get to
6:58
happen. And so then it can kick up in us
6:59
like, "Oh, there's this whole thing I
7:01
haven't even revisited or or seen
7:04
related to my own grief." And so if
7:06
you're going through something, you need
7:08
to be thinking about the fact that grief
7:09
is not a straight line. It's more of a
7:12
spiral or a wave or a loop and it
7:14
doesn't really match for anybody else.
7:16
We can't compare why are why is this
7:18
person, you know, responding to this in
7:20
a different way than I would. And
7:21
there's physical reasons for the way we
7:24
feel with grief. When we think about the
7:26
brain, there's a a grief and panic
7:28
circuit and there's a separation,
7:31
distress in the system. The brain lights
7:34
up and it shows us that there's
7:37
physiological difference in our bodies
7:40
and brains when we are activated by that
7:42
dis disconnection. It's panic. And so
7:45
we're going to talk deeper about the
7:47
brain. Neuroscientist Yak Panksup, he
7:50
identified what we call the panic or
7:53
grief system. And basically it's
7:55
hardwired. It's the emotional circuit in
7:57
our mamian brain that activates when we
8:00
experience separation from someone that
8:02
we're bonded to. And this system is
8:05
responsible for distress cries in
8:07
infants and that ache of heartbreak,
8:09
that deep yearning for someone and that
8:11
anguish we feel after their loss. And so
8:14
when this system is activated, we can
8:16
feel panic, we can feel protest, we can
8:19
eventually feel despair. And it's not
8:21
just emotional. So if you're judging
8:23
yourself for acting a certain way or
8:25
feeling a certain way for too long, this
8:28
is a neurological function. This is not
8:30
a decision. This is a biological aspect
8:32
of being a human. And understanding this
8:35
can help us to see that grief isn't
8:37
weakness. It's biology. It's love trying
8:40
to find its way home. It's it's us
8:42
trying to sort the empty space that
8:44
lives in our hearts. And what do we do
8:46
with that empty space in a loss of
8:48
someone or something that was so deeply
8:50
important to us? So, we talked a little
8:52
bit about, you know, that nonlinear
8:54
nature of grief doesn't move in a
8:56
straight line. Like I said, you know,
8:58
one day you might feel okay and good and
9:01
normal and then the next day you hear a
9:04
song or there's a smell and it brings
9:07
pain rushing back or or memories rushing
9:10
back. And that doesn't mean that you're
9:12
regressing. It doesn't mean you're all
9:14
of a sudden not better. It means that
9:16
you're human. Uh Bnee Brown reminds us
9:18
that grief often includes this longing
9:21
or a deep emotional pull toward what
9:24
we've lost and that longing can
9:26
resurface at different times at our life
9:28
depending on what's going on or at
9:30
unexpected times. You know, I think
9:32
about when someone loses someone um you
9:35
know, let's let's say you lost your
9:37
father and and maybe you didn't lose him
9:38
as a child, but you lost him before you
9:40
got married. Now, who's going to walk
9:42
you down the aisle or who's going to be
9:44
part of some of those moments that are
9:46
traditionally for a father figure in
9:48
your life? These all become reminders of
9:51
what we don't get to have because of the
9:53
loss that we experienced. And healing
9:56
isn't about forgetting. It's about
9:58
remembering with less pain. So, maybe at
10:01
some point you do enough work um and and
10:04
we'll talk a little bit about that. You
10:06
can remember moments with your loved
10:07
ones or in experiences that you had and
10:11
you can remember the positive sides of
10:12
things as you've healed through some of
10:15
your pain. So if you're grieving, you
10:18
know, give yourself permission to feel
10:20
what you need to feel without judging
10:22
it, um without stuffing it, without
10:25
thinking that you're supposed to be at a
10:27
different place because it's been a
10:29
certain amount of time and you know you
10:31
knew someone else that didn't have the
10:33
same effect. Make sure that you give
10:35
yourself room and that you lean on
10:37
people who who love you if you have
10:40
people in your life that you trust so
10:41
that you're not doing it alone. Um grief
10:45
is is not a one-sizefits-all. We we all
10:48
grieve differently. And so some people
10:50
cry, some people go quiet, some people
10:53
need rituals. We had a friend that lost
10:55
their pet and they created a bit of a
10:58
like a memorial in their home with
11:00
pictures and other momentos that
11:02
reminded them of their pet. so they had
11:04
somewhere they could go and feel more
11:06
connected to their their pet. Others use
11:09
distraction or need distraction. In
11:11
Atlas of the Heart, Bnee Brown talks
11:13
about how grief is really personal and
11:17
when we try to compare or to rank our
11:19
grief, it only creates more
11:21
disconnection to yourself and to others.
11:23
So, we want to stop saying, you know, I
11:26
wouldn't have reacted that way or I
11:27
wouldn't do it this way and instead
11:29
approach someone with curiosity.
11:32
What do they need right now? What do you
11:34
need right now? Or how can I support
11:35
you? Or what does support look like? Um,
11:38
would it help to talk or just sit
11:40
together? I like the phrase with the
11:43
three ages, you know, do you want help?
11:45
Do you want a hug? Or do you just want
11:46
to be heard? And you can ask those
11:48
questions to let someone else determine
11:51
what it is that they do need in order to
11:53
be more supportive. Because grief is not
11:55
a problem to fix. It's a process to
11:58
witness and to be present for. And when
12:01
we can do that with somebody, we can
12:03
really develop connection and safety and
12:05
trust. And um often times when people
12:08
are going through something that is
12:10
painful, you know, such as a loss, it's
12:13
not the loss that becomes the worst part
12:16
of it for people with EMDR therapy.
12:18
Oftentimes, it's how they didn't have
12:20
support after the fact and the people
12:22
that were meant to show up for them
12:24
didn't do a very good job of it. And so
12:26
they end up with this collateral
12:27
betrayal related to their grief
12:29
experience that is not helpful. And so
12:32
when you think about needing connection,
12:34
it's really important to know that you
12:36
deserve that connection and you you are
12:38
worthy of that connection. And so please
12:40
try not to isolate and hold yourself
12:42
away from others who care about you
12:44
because it doesn't serve you and it
12:46
prolongs your suffering. It doesn't
12:48
allow you to heal and grow. Grief,
12:51
there's a path to growth through grief
12:53
and it it changes us. It can deepen our
12:56
empathy. It can help us to clarify our
12:58
values and it can remind us of what
13:01
truly matters, especially if we've lost
13:03
someone. But growth doesn't mean that
13:05
the pain disappears. And it it means
13:07
that we learn to carry it with more
13:09
grace, more peace, and not a constant
13:11
reminder of the pain. So if you are
13:14
grieving, know this. You're definitely
13:16
not alone. Everybody around you has had
13:19
to grieve something. And you're not
13:21
doing it wrong. And you don't have to
13:23
rush your healing. Grief is love in
13:25
another form. It it it can move through
13:28
you and let it let it do that. Let it
13:30
move through you. Let it teach you. Let
13:32
it soften you. But mostly recognize that
13:36
it will pass. Um and it will hold a
13:39
different stance if you allow for the
13:41
room to let it be what it needs to be
13:43
and not avoid it. And recognize that
13:46
there's even grief over having to
13:49
grieve. There's even grief over the
13:51
powerlessness that you have to do it and
13:53
there's no way around it and that can be
13:55
frustrating and we can have all those
13:57
emotions I talked about when we are
13:59
going through the grief experience for
14:01
that reason. So that's all I have for
14:03
you today related to grief. We could
14:04
talk on and on about it but hopefully
14:06
this is just a little nugget. Grief is
14:09
messy. It's sacred and it's deeply
14:11
personal. And so hopefully this
14:14
resonated with you or you can share this
14:16
with someone that might be grieving
14:17
something and be helpful in in one way
14:20
or another. But if you found it helpful,
14:22
please subscribe or like the episode and
14:25
leave us some comments about anything
14:26
that we can do to improve that. And if
14:28
there's another episode we do, if
14:30
there's things you'd like to hear about,
14:32
you can also connect with me through my
14:34
social media, Kelly O'Horo. So thank you
14:36
again for tuning in. And if you are
14:37
grieving, I wish you peace. I wish you
14:40
the sacred space to allow for what
14:42
feelings you need to experience. And
14:45
until next time, don't forget to lead
14:47
with love. It'll never steer you wrong.
14:50
[Music]
#Death & Tragedy
#Family & Relationships
#Mental Health