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Forgiveness: Releasing the Weight without Loosing Your Strength💪
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0:01
Hello,
0:03
this is P from Budin.
0:05
Today I am so excited to be coming your
0:08
way today with this message on
0:12
forgiveness.
0:15
Releasing the weight without losing your
0:18
strength.
0:20
Let me begin by asking you something
0:23
gently.
0:25
Who are you still carrying in your
0:28
heart?
0:30
By this I do not mean physically but
0:34
rather emotionally.
0:37
Is there someone whose name still
0:40
tightens your chest?
0:43
A memory that still makes you makes your
0:46
stomach actually gripe or sink?
0:50
A betrayer you replay at night when
0:53
everyone else is sleeping.
0:56
Or maybe the person you cannot forgive
1:00
is not actually somebody else. Maybe the
1:04
person you cannot forgive is you.
1:09
Forgiveness is one of the most
1:12
misunderstood psychological processes.
1:16
Many people think it it u means weakness
1:22
or pretending that some something
1:26
happened.
1:28
Others believe it means allowing people
1:31
back into spaces they no longer deserve.
1:37
Word forgiveness
1:40
is self liberation when it is understood
1:45
correctly.
1:47
Today
1:49
we are not talking about excusing harm.
1:55
We are talking about forgiveness in
1:58
terms of releasing yourself from the
2:01
emotional prison of unresolved pain.
2:07
Unforgiveness
2:09
is heavy.
2:11
Unforgiveness can be likened
2:14
to somebody
2:16
carrying a backpack filled with stones
2:21
that are heavy.
2:24
But because
2:26
the body, the mind, the heart has chosen
2:31
to hold on to resentment, bitterness.
2:35
This backpack
2:37
may feel
2:39
uh not heavy again because you have been
2:41
carrying with you for days, for months,
2:44
for years that it has come to a place of
2:48
normaly with the weight you carry that
2:52
you don't maybe feel that this is a
2:56
burden. This is something extra that you
2:59
are carrying.
3:02
Understand that psychologically when you
3:05
hold on to resentment, the brain
3:07
repeatedly reactivate the original
3:10
emotional memory. The body responds as
3:14
if the threat is happening again.
3:18
Stress hormones
3:21
rise, your muscles would tense, the
3:25
heart rate increases,
3:28
and your mind begins to ruminate.
3:31
You replay conversations.
3:34
You imagine different outcomes.
3:37
You construct arguments that will never
3:40
be spoken.
3:42
According to some research,
3:46
chronic resentment is associated with
3:48
increased stress, anxiety, and even
3:51
physical symptoms. The body keeps the
3:55
scores.
3:57
But here is something important.
4:00
Unforgiveness
4:02
may feel powerful in the beginning. It
4:06
will make you feel as though you're on
4:09
top of the game.
4:11
It feels like protection.
4:15
You just uh be you can you'll be saying
4:18
this if I stay angry I stay strong.
4:24
If I refuse to forgive I do not lose.
4:27
But over time, anger becomes a cage.
4:34
Anger is a burden. Anger is a weight
4:37
that over time you may not feel the pain
4:41
of this anger. You may not feel the grip
4:45
of this anger, but this anger has a mark
4:50
on your body. has a mark on your system
4:53
whereby it begins to bring your
4:56
emotional energy. It comes into narrow
5:01
your perspective about life. It hardens
5:04
your heart on other issues on other most
5:08
important things about your life. You
5:11
realize that you're not able to make
5:12
those major decisions. If you're a
5:15
mother or a or a father, if you're a
5:18
parent, a family person, you realize
5:21
that there a lot of things that are
5:23
happening within the family
5:24
[clears throat] that you may not be able
5:25
to place your hand on an aspect. I say,
5:29
"No, let let me allow this go. Your
5:33
heart is hardened because of the anger
5:36
[clears throat] that has been built in
5:39
you over the weeks, over the month. Some
5:43
people over the years
5:46
and the painful truth is this. The
5:48
person who hurt you may have moved on
5:52
but you are still relieving it.
5:54
Forgiveness
5:56
is not you looking at the aspect of
5:59
freeing those other people or freeing
6:02
the person who wronged you but the most
6:04
important aspect of forgiveness is
6:08
[clears throat]
6:09
freeing you.
6:13
Forgiveness is not really when we look
6:16
at we are saying that the harm or
6:21
somebody listening to me may say that
6:23
are you saying that the harm I receive
6:27
was acceptable. Are you telling me to
6:30
deny my pain? Are you asking me to
6:34
immediately call for reconciliation
6:37
or are you saying I should remove the
6:40
boundaries or are you actually asking me
6:45
to return to that unsafe environment?
6:50
Remember that you can forgive and still
6:53
choose distance.
6:56
You can forgive and still
6:57
[clears throat]
6:58
say no.
7:00
You can forgive and still protect
7:03
yourself.
7:06
Forgiveness is internal. Forgiveness is
7:09
done within you. Forgiveness is the
7:12
power within that drives you that
7:16
propels you and causes you to rise above
7:20
everything that may stand before you as
7:24
a stumbling block. rec reconciliation on
7:28
the other hand is relational.
7:33
The the the the distinction between
7:36
these two is very very essential
7:38
especially for those who have
7:40
experienced deep betrayal or trauma.
7:44
Forgiveness is a conscious decision to
7:48
release the emotional
7:50
hold of res of resentment, anger,
7:55
bitterness
7:57
or whatever you may call it.
8:00
It is you choosing
8:03
healing over revenge.
8:07
It is you choosing peace over prolonged
8:11
bitterness.
8:14
From a cognitive perspective,
8:16
forgiveness involves reframing the
8:19
narrative, not rewriting the story
8:23
history, but it shifts you
8:28
to another place and helps you to be
8:32
able to release.
8:36
Instead of you allowing that thing to
8:39
destroy you, you can move forward to see
8:43
this hurt me deeply but it does not
8:46
define me. This is psychological
8:49
strength.
8:51
Forgiveness
8:53
also involves emotional processes.
8:57
Suppressed pain does not disappear. It
9:01
resurfaces in anxiety, irritability,
9:04
mistrust or self-sabotage.
9:09
When you alone
9:11
are able to destroy yourself,
9:15
you destroy yourself by the way you look
9:17
at your life, by your words, your
9:20
thoughts.
9:22
When you allow yourself to feel the hurt
9:26
fully without denial, you begin to
9:28
metabolize it. This is where the power
9:31
is and slowly the emotional charge
9:36
weakens.
9:40
Now I want us to go deeper
9:45
into self forgiveness. Self forgiveness
9:48
is often harder than forgiving others.
9:53
Many of us carry private shame,
9:57
regret about decisions we made in the
9:59
past, relationships we ruin,
10:04
opportunities
10:06
we lost, moments we could not handle
10:09
properly.
10:12
We replay these mistakes more harshly
10:17
than anyone else ever could
10:22
understand that psychologically
10:25
shame attacks identity. It destroys
10:29
identity. It destroys every foundation
10:33
you have been you have been able to
10:35
build.
10:37
It says I did something wrong.
10:44
And because I did something wrong,
10:47
it clearly shows that I am wrong. That
10:51
is what shame would do to you.
10:56
When you stay in chronic self self-
10:59
condemnation, growth becomes difficult
11:03
because you are constantly punishing
11:05
yourself instead of learning.
11:10
Self forgiveness does not actually see
11:14
that okay because I forgive myself I
11:19
deny responsibility.
11:22
It is actually you acknowledging
11:26
the harmestly
11:28
taking responsibility
11:30
where appropriate
11:33
making amends if possible learning the
11:36
lesson releasing the selfhatred.
11:40
You cannot heal
11:42
[snorts] constantly.
11:45
you cannot heal when in actual fact you
11:50
constantly remain in the place of
11:53
persecuting yourself. When you remain in
11:56
the place of self persecution,
11:59
you are stuck.
12:01
What you need to do is to ask yourself
12:03
this. If someone I love made the same
12:07
mistake, will I condemn them forever?
12:12
Why do you deserve less compassion than
12:15
others?
12:18
Self forgiveness restores your dignity.
12:21
It allows you to grow instead of
12:24
remaining frozen in your worst moment.
12:28
You are more than your most regretable
12:32
decision.
12:36
Forgiveness is not a single emotional
12:40
event. It is a process
12:43
whereby you start by acknowledging the
12:46
wound clearly
12:50
without actually minimizing it. You
12:53
allow the emotions to surface, the
12:56
anger, the sadness, the disappointment.
12:59
Feel it safely.
13:02
You seek understanding
13:05
not to justify but to gain perspective.
13:10
You make a conscious decision
13:13
deciding that you no longer want to
13:16
carry this weight.
13:20
You rebuild boundaries and identity
13:24
in protecting your peace going forward.
13:30
Sometimes forgiveness happened
13:31
gradually. It may return in waves. That
13:36
is normal. Healing is not linear.
13:39
Healing is gradual.
13:42
And in actual fact, forgiveness brings
13:45
the same kind of waves, the same kind of
13:49
feelings and it takes the same kind of
13:52
road.
13:57
Okay.
14:00
Is there someone else that you're still
14:03
thinking about as we are talking and
14:06
moving ahead?
14:11
What was the what was the pain or the
14:14
hurt, the betrayal
14:16
you got?
14:18
What has this resentment cost you
14:21
emotionally?
14:22
And what will your life feel like if you
14:25
release even 10% of that weight?
14:29
You do not have to forgive everything at
14:33
a glow at once, but you can take one
14:36
small step towards freedom.
14:41
Write one name or write your own and
14:45
beside it write this sentence. I choose
14:48
healing.
14:51
Remember that forgiveness is not
14:53
witness.
14:56
It is actually emotional maturity. It is
15:00
emotional
15:02
stability.
15:05
It is the refusal to allow pain dictate
15:09
your life, your future. It is a courage
15:14
to say what happened mattered but it
15:17
will not control me. If the person you
15:21
are forgiving is yourself, hear this
15:23
clearly. You are allowed to grow beyond
15:27
the past, you are allowed to evolve.
15:31
You are allowed to become wiser without
15:35
remaining ashamed.
15:37
Forgiveness
15:39
is self liberating. If this message
15:45
spoke to you, I hope you'll be
15:48
journeying with me to the next stage,
15:51
which is actually the moment of
15:54
released.
15:56
During this moment,
16:00
we are journeying together
16:03
to be able to release
16:05
because whatever you hold on within you,
16:10
whatever that is encoded at the the the
16:14
the side at your level system, whatever
16:19
you have been able to keep the anger,
16:22
the pain, the bitterness that you have
16:24
been able to store for a long time,
16:26
requires you are releasing. Just like
16:30
when we started, we spoke about
16:32
unforgiveness,
16:34
likening it to carrying a backpack
16:38
filled with bones that must be unpacked
16:41
for you to feel lighter again, for you
16:44
to actually walk freely, for you to
16:47
actually accomplish your purpose with
16:50
ease and grace.
16:53
Now, hear this story. A story from the
16:56
room.
16:58
Let me tell you about a session I once
17:01
had with a client. She came in composed,
17:04
intelligent, successful. But every time
17:07
we spoke about her father,
17:10
her her face would change,
17:13
her breathing would change,
17:16
her voice will become
17:19
uh sharp.
17:22
He had left when she was young with no
17:26
explanation, no closure, just absence.
17:30
She said something that stayed with me.
17:33
If I forgive, if I forgive him, it means
17:37
what he did was okay. That is what most
17:41
of us will see. Just like this my prayer
17:45
that if I forgive this person, this
17:48
person would think what he or she did to
17:50
me was okay and they will continue like
17:53
that. And in this life, we want to act
17:56
correctional. We want to correct the
17:58
situation by putting ourselves in pain.
18:04
And I gently asked her, what if
18:07
forgiveness is not about him at all?
18:11
What if it is about releasing yourself?
18:16
There was a silence in the room.
18:19
Weeks later during a session she closed
18:23
her eyes and said, "I am tired of
18:26
carrying him in my chest."
18:29
You is listening to me right now. Are
18:32
you tired of carrying that person in
18:35
your chest just like this client? Are
18:38
you tired of carrying you blaming
18:42
yourself for the things you could not do
18:45
for the disappointment you gave
18:47
yourself?
18:49
This is the moment for you to release
18:53
this pain.
18:55
This is the moment for you to say no,
18:58
this has to come to a pause.
19:03
That was the turning point for my
19:05
client.
19:06
Not because her father apologized.
19:10
He never did. But because she realized
19:13
she has been she had been holding a
19:16
burning cold hoping he will feel the
19:20
heat. In that moment she choose to
19:24
release.
19:28
It was not
19:30
excuse.
19:32
It was not that she
19:36
forgot what her father did to her, but
19:39
just release.
19:42
And right at that time, her body soften
19:47
before her her words actually were
19:51
formed.
19:53
That is what forgiveness does. It
19:56
releases you.
20:00
Release does not mean that you are pro
20:03
you are actually like pretending
20:06
you were not hurt.
20:09
Release means
20:11
I acknowledge what happened.
20:14
I feel what it cost me. I choose not to
20:19
let it control me anymore.
20:22
When you release resentment, you reclaim
20:25
emotional energy. You reclaim emotion.
20:29
You reclaim your agency.
20:32
You reclaim ownership. When you release
20:36
shame, you you actually reclaim your
20:39
identity. When you release
20:42
self-punishment, you reclaim growth.
20:46
Whether you are forgiving another person
20:49
or forgiving yourself, the process is
20:52
about emotional releasing.
20:56
Many people do not realize how tightly
21:00
they are holding on.
21:03
Forgiveness is the unclenching of
21:06
whatever you are holding on to. The hour
21:10
has come. The time has come for you to
21:12
let go of this thing that has been
21:15
standing that has been causing you not
21:17
to move forward. that has been standing
21:21
as the barrier between you and where you
21:23
are going to
21:28
walk with me in this journey.
21:32
Now
21:33
I want you to slow down.
21:39
If you are in a safe space, close your
21:41
eyes.
21:45
Take a slow breath in
21:51
and a slow breath out.
21:56
Imagine you are standing in a quiet
21:59
room.
22:02
In front of you is a table.
22:05
On that table is a small heavy stone.
22:12
This stone represents the pain you have
22:15
been carrying.
22:19
It may represent a person. It may
22:22
represent
22:24
a betrayal. It may equally represent a
22:28
mistake you you you made in the past.
22:32
Notice the weight
22:36
notice the weight of the stone.
22:39
Now imagine that you have been holding
22:42
this stone
22:44
against your chest for years.
22:51
Feel how heavy it is.
22:55
Notice how tired your arms feel.
23:02
Now gently, slowly lower your arms.
23:10
Place the stone on the table.
23:16
You are not throwing it away.
23:19
You are not deny denying it.
23:25
You are simply setting it down.
23:29
Take a breath
23:36
now. Slowly release it.
23:40
Notice what happen in your body when you
23:43
release the weight.
23:45
Maybe your shoulders soften. Maybe your
23:49
breathing deepens. Maybe there is a
23:52
resistance.
23:55
That's okay.
23:57
Say quietly in your mind
24:00
or out aloud,
24:03
I release this from controlling me.
24:08
I release this from controlling me.
24:12
I release this from defining me. I
24:16
release this from defining me. I release
24:20
myself.
24:23
If the person you need to forgive is
24:26
yourself,
24:28
imagine placing your past mistake on
24:32
that table. Look at it.
24:37
Then say,
24:39
I acknowledge what I did.
24:44
I have learned.
24:47
I choose to grow beyond this.
24:51
I release myself.
24:56
Take another slow deep breath in
25:04
and then release it.
25:08
Notice the space that opened when you
25:10
are not gripping the stone.
25:14
That space is healing. That is where the
25:16
power is.
25:25
Understand that when resentment in this
25:29
process
25:30
rises,
25:32
place your hand on your chest and say,
25:36
"I choose release."
25:40
As you go on with this process, when
25:43
shame whispers, respond with, "I am
25:48
allowed to grow."
25:53
When anger tightens your jaw, take one
25:58
slow breath and ask, "What would what
26:02
would would releasing this feel like
26:06
right now?
26:11
Healing is not something you showcase.
26:19
It is something you actually practice.
26:23
Each time you choose release, even in
26:26
small amounts,
26:28
your nervous system learns safety.
26:32
Your brain begins to
26:36
uncover the memories
26:39
from the emotional charge.
26:44
Your brain simply start releasing
26:48
these memories.
26:52
This is how healing activates.
26:56
It is not too force
27:00
but
27:03
it is activated
27:05
and the process continues
27:08
through repeated release.
27:16
Understand that
27:19
releasing
27:21
is not something you say it is a one day
27:24
thing.
27:25
If you release and you feel the ease
27:30
then you can move on. Whenever
27:34
you feel
27:36
the signs we have discussed about
27:39
already, you can still go back to it.
27:43
Remember
27:46
that forgiveness is not forgetting the
27:48
story.
27:50
It is changing your relationship to the
27:54
story.
27:56
You [snorts] may not be ready to release
27:58
everything right now today.
28:02
But you can release 10%.
28:05
You can release the need for revenge.
28:08
You can release one layer of shame.
28:13
You can release one harsh sentence you
28:16
kept saying to yourself.
28:21
Remember that release is strength
28:24
red that is re uh pointed redirected
28:29
towards your future.
28:32
You do not release because they deserve
28:35
it.
28:36
You release because you deserve peace.
28:45
As we come close,
28:47
you followed all of these. We we are
28:49
coming close to the end of this segment
28:52
on forgiveness.
28:54
Releasing the pain, the hurt
28:57
in order to reclaim your strength.
29:01
Place your right hand on your chest.
29:08
at the right heart. On the right hand,
29:10
the positioning of your heart and you
29:13
place
29:14
your left palm on your navl
29:19
and actually breathe in.
29:26
Then exhale.
29:29
Breathe in again.
29:32
Then exhale.
29:38
Then tell yourself, repeat this after
29:40
me.
29:43
I release myself.
29:49
I release myself.
29:53
I release myself from every
29:57
accumulated
30:00
anger, bitterness.
30:03
I release myself today.
30:06
I am ready to move forward.
30:11
Thank you
30:14
for this moment of release.
30:17
Thank you my body for still carrying me
30:20
through.
30:21
Thank you my body for still supporting
30:24
me. Even during those periods I carried
30:27
weight
30:29
you did not deserve.
30:31
Even those periods I decided to hold on
30:34
to things that burdens you. You have
30:38
been with me throughout and I say I I
30:41
appreciate you. Thank you my body for
30:45
walking with me through this journey.
30:47
Thank you my body for supporting me in
30:50
walking out this healing.
30:54
Now take a long deep breath in. down.
31:02
Exhale.
31:09
Remember
31:10
that forgiveness is a continuous
31:13
practice because as we work with people,
31:16
we we relate with people, situations
31:20
happened and it may not turn out well
31:24
with us. Remember the process of
31:26
releasing. Remember that when you
31:28
forgive, it is to your own good.
31:32
Until we meet again,
31:35
thank you for holding this space with
31:37
me. See you next time.