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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Sexual abuse leaves deep and lasting scars that affect survivors' lives in profound ways. In this video, we explore the emotional, psychological, and social challenges survivors often face, including trauma, trust issues, and self-esteem struggles. We also discuss the journey toward healing, the importance of support systems, therapy and available resources for survivors. Our goal is to shed light on this sensitive topic, create awareness, and foster empathy and understanding. Whether you’re a survivor, a supporter, or simply seeking to learn more, this video is a step toward building a compassionate and informed community.
💡 Resources and Support:
If you or someone you know is affected by sexual abuse, please seek help.
Contact - National Sexual Assault Hotline (USA): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Let’s break the silence, support survivors, and encourage healing. 💜
👉 Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe to join the conversation.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
Show More Show Less View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone I'm Kell ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi there
0:12
thank you so much for tuning in today
0:14
we're going to be talking about a pretty
0:16
painful topic if this applies to you and
0:20
uh we did another show on sexual abuse
0:22
and the gap of knowledge it's not a
0:24
two-part series but it might be one that
0:26
you want to look at prior to watching
0:28
this one although they can be alone
0:30
episodes but this episode is going to
0:32
focus mostly on the impact of sexual
0:35
abuse on survivors and we're going to
0:38
talk about some of the things that you
0:40
might see and the long-term effects and
0:43
the ways that we can address those I'm
0:45
especially thankful to have my guest
0:47
today Ellie Harris who is a an licensed
0:50
associate counselor here at infinite
0:51
healing and wellness and a friend in
0:53
colleague and so thank you so much for
0:55
being here um today uh tell tell us a
0:58
little bit about yourself yeah my name
1:01
is Ellie Harris and I am really
1:03
passionate about this topic I think I've
1:06
worked with a lot of clients that have
1:08
been personally impacted by this topic
1:10
and have loved seeing the hard work that
1:14
they've put in to repair this trauma
1:17
that they've experienced so I love this
1:20
topic I love sharing more about this
1:22
topic and hopefully um it encourages
1:24
other people to seek healing I I really
1:27
appreciate you being here it's not uh
1:30
it's not a fun topic there might be uh
1:32
triggers that come up for you so please
1:34
make sure you take care of yourself if
1:36
that happens uh but it is really
1:38
important that the impact of what
1:40
happens to people isn't minimized and
1:43
that it's normalized and validated and
1:45
so if if you know you are someone that
1:48
you know is struggling with some of the
1:49
things that we talk about today please
1:51
please you know know that they're not
1:53
alone and that or that you're not alone
1:55
and that there is definitely help and
1:57
we'll have some options in the uh
1:59
descript descrition below so please
2:01
check that out so let's why don't you
2:03
kick us off and let's talk about the
2:05
emotional and psychological effects that
2:07
happen to many uh survivors of sexual
2:10
abuse yeah I think there are a lot of
2:14
different impacts that that sexual abuse
2:17
can have on someone's emotional and
2:19
psychological wellbeing but one client
2:23
that I've had uh they were abused from
2:26
about 6 to 12 years old by their uncle
2:29
and and after a few years they had tried
2:33
you know sharing with their parent that
2:35
they were having this experience and the
2:37
parent was was so shut down and and
2:40
didn't really know what to do but
2:41
thankfully they did report it and
2:44
unfortunately there wasn't enough
2:46
physical evidence for the court to do
2:49
anything and so this so tragic so this
2:52
this client had this experience and uh
2:54
thankfully well not thankfully but a few
2:57
years later there were other people
3:00
coming forward um that they were
3:02
experiencing something similar from this
3:05
Uncle so hopefully Justice eventually
3:07
was served in in in this person's behalf
3:10
yes but from you know trying to advocate
3:14
for themselves and and speak up and and
3:17
then having this experience where they
3:19
weren't protected by the court system
3:21
they they really learned to shut down
3:23
and they don't have a lot of trust in
3:26
you know other people in being protected
3:29
by our just system and so um a lot of
3:32
lack of trust there they have frequent
3:35
nightmares whether it's about those
3:38
experiences or just a lack of safety
3:41
they powerlessness in general absolutely
3:43
dreams that are thematically similar are
3:45
often what I see in in sexual abuse
3:47
survivors where it's not necessarily
3:50
flashbacks of the scenes themselves but
3:53
representative images that often times
3:56
are part of their dream repertoire but
3:59
but but thematically symbolic of the
4:02
powerlessness or the safety violations
4:04
or the inability to speak up or be heard
4:06
and those show up over and over in their
4:09
their dream experiences yeah and then
4:12
there they have all of that anxiety with
4:15
them throughout the day throughout their
4:17
week that their window of Tolerance is
4:19
just so narrow so something that may not
4:22
seem very stressful to the standard
4:25
person may send them completely out of
4:27
their window and make them feel really
4:29
overwhelm and just to just for our
4:31
audience who may not know what that term
4:33
means we we all have kind of an optimal
4:36
window of arousal and when we've had
4:38
something bad happen to us we can either
4:40
end up in this hyperaroused space or in
4:42
the hypo aroused space that can look
4:44
like anxiety fight vigilance or shut
4:47
down depressed can't say no passive and
4:49
so when you look at that window of
4:51
Tolerance this is I can think and feel
4:53
and react reasonably and use my
4:55
prefrontal cortex to make decisions and
4:57
so if I've had something bad happen to
4:59
me I might find myself out of that
5:01
window and responding in one of those
5:03
other ways or reacting rather that don't
5:06
really serve me for the given
5:07
circumstance so for those people who
5:09
don't really know what that means and I
5:11
think I think sexual abuse always
5:13
compromises that window absolutely and
5:16
they can go to the more hyper roused
5:18
where they feel more anxious more
5:21
stressed or they could go to the hypo
5:23
roused where they feel just numb and and
5:25
shut off from their experience and that
5:28
shows up in future relationship ships
5:30
and often times as children you know
5:32
that's not addressed because it's not
5:34
something that's front of mind but when
5:36
they move into Intimate Relationships as
5:38
they age it shows up you know with touch
5:41
with intimacy with safety with
5:43
perception of safety because if
5:45
something looks tastes smells and feels
5:47
like therefore must be the same and so
5:50
my you know my experience of safety with
5:53
my partner always feels compromised even
5:56
though my head knows they're safe and
5:57
they haven't earned my distrust my body
6:00
reacts as if something dangerous could
6:02
happen and so there's that that constant
6:05
internal conflict and I I think that
6:07
I've seen that over and over and over
6:09
over the years of working with people
6:10
where their spouse kicks up their
6:12
unresolved trauma related to intimacy
6:15
absolutely their partner and you know
6:17
sometimes there there really is a lack
6:22
of safety that they may have in their
6:24
relationship and and I've also seen a
6:27
lot of times where um maybe partner is
6:30
trying as best as they can to provide a
6:32
safe space for sexual intimacy but
6:36
there's that still past present
6:38
confusion where they feel like they're
6:40
not safe they feel like they're going to
6:41
be taken advantage of right and that
6:43
that co-creates a problem with the
6:45
partner too because they don't they
6:47
haven't earned this reaction absolutely
6:49
you know they are showing up honoring
6:51
and loving and safe and patient but
6:53
their partner can't treat them as if
6:55
that's what's happening and so then that
6:56
creates problems of intimacy and
6:58
connection and safety and so I think
7:00
that one of the things that's really
7:01
important is if this is is part of your
7:04
story it's really important that you do
7:06
your work on it because you're you know
7:08
if you if you don't we end up you know
7:11
bleeding on people who didn't cut us for
7:13
for a metaphor that oftentimes I I think
7:15
is fair is you know it's not that past
7:18
present emotional confusion will in fact
7:20
show up in our relationships and it's
7:23
it's not really our fault or their fault
7:25
but unfortunately we do have to address
7:27
it and do some trauma therapy to help
7:29
get resolution in our in our bodies so
7:32
that we can show up in the present with
7:34
a a a level of safety and in the absence
7:36
of hypervigilence yeah well and I've
7:38
even seen the opposite in some cases
7:41
where you know the person who is
7:43
sexually abused becomes more
7:45
hypersexualized and they they maybe have
7:49
a higher like promiscuity yeah M and you
7:53
know if they they meet have a partner
7:56
that maybe has a lower sex drive than
7:57
they do then that can cause a lot of a
7:59
lot of her intention yeah and I think
8:02
another thing that people really
8:04
minimize and undervalue and and even
8:06
doctors don't necessarily bring this up
8:08
but there are often times physical
8:11
issues and physical ailments that are
8:13
associated with the memory of traumatic
8:16
experiences so I'll give you a couple of
8:18
examples because I have seen this more
8:20
often than not so in a in a more mild
8:24
area let's say you know my partner is
8:26
aggressive or um controlling or
8:29
sometimes even mean and you think about
8:32
the resentment that builds if we can't
8:34
speak up or get them to stop or get them
8:36
to see what they're doing and then you
8:38
end up with interestingly and I've seen
8:40
this in case after case where I've seen
8:42
you know chronic UTI or chronic yeast
8:45
infections or things like that and if
8:47
you think about the body you know
8:49
there's there's if if I can't speak up
8:51
and get you to treat me better my body
8:53
is like you're going to stay away and it
8:55
will create a reason that you don't have
8:57
to say no you know no I don't want you
9:00
that close to me I don't feel safe loved
9:01
honored by you and so I don't feel like
9:04
being intimate but if I have internal
9:05
confusion about you know but I'm
9:07
supposed to have sex with my husband and
9:09
we've had really good days but I don't
9:11
I'm I'm still not over the thing that
9:12
happened however many days ago then my
9:15
body will create a reason for me to not
9:17
have to be close and um Time After Time
9:20
with EMDR reprocessing I have seen you
9:23
know cases where they see the resentment
9:25
they see the history of the fighting or
9:27
the history of the pain in their
9:29
experience and when we clear those
9:32
emotional you know uh unresolved
9:35
memories and you clear that they stop
9:37
getting the yeast infections they stop
9:39
getting the UTI and so in cases like
9:42
sexual abuse we've seen things like
9:44
labia cancer ovarian cancer um you know
9:47
chronic like I said before yeast
9:49
infections UTI um where there's a
9:53
physical danger response like the immune
9:56
system says stay away it's bad I don't
9:59
want to anything to do with it sometimes
10:01
breast cancer you know all of these uh
10:03
ailments um can be not always but can be
10:08
attributed to a a a sexual abuse
10:11
experience and the body is just acting
10:13
out against in protection of or on
10:15
behalf of the person it's so fascinating
10:18
um have you seen other examples where
10:20
the physicality shows up as a response
10:22
and a correlation to history of of abuse
10:27
yeah absolutely I think our body have
10:29
learned you know thankfully such a
10:32
intense way to protect ourselves but it
10:35
can be really really hard and I I
10:37
actually have a family member who was
10:40
was sexually abused by their father for
10:43
years during their childhood and later
10:45
on ended up having uterine cancer wow
10:49
and although I don't I don't know what
10:51
the body was trying to do in response to
10:53
that but I know that they their their
10:56
reproductive system was severely
10:59
traumatized and was for a while right it
11:02
just makes sense it just makes sense
11:04
same goes with like inability to get
11:06
pregnant often times I'll see a
11:07
correlation where the the past is
11:10
somewhat haunting and so when we clear
11:12
that memory it's like the cellular
11:14
restoration of the physicality becomes
11:17
calm and doesn't have to be fighting and
11:19
so it can settle down and and i' I've
11:21
had a few clients end up getting
11:22
pregnant after we do work that you know
11:24
had to do with the injustices of things
11:27
that had happened to them from the
11:29
female intimacy perspective and then
11:32
their body was ready to receive and and
11:34
and get pregnant so I mean obviously
11:36
there's not a direct correlation but
11:38
there is so much evidence and research
11:40
and and a great book to read the body
11:42
keeps the score um that besser Vander
11:45
cul did that really helps to highlight
11:47
and illustrate that as well of as well
11:49
as a million other podcasts by Gabor
11:52
mate and and other you know renowned
11:54
people in our profession that have done
11:56
great work to share this kind of
11:58
information so I think that that piece
12:00
is often times uh the body will speak up
12:03
if we don't it really will so we talked
12:07
a little bit about uh the impact of this
12:10
experience on relationships but we're
12:11
going to dig in a little bit more deeply
12:13
so so tell us from your experience and
12:16
perspective how you've seen this this
12:18
impact um a relationship in in the in
12:21
the now like it is a common occurrence
12:25
where someone who experienced sexual
12:27
abuse when they were a child
12:30
um has trouble trusting their partner in
12:33
a marriage or in a serious dating
12:35
relationship and I've I've seen this in
12:37
a lot of my clients where you know their
12:40
partner may or may not be providing that
12:42
safe environment but either way they
12:45
have these these foggy goggles on that
12:48
they can't trust either way um but I've
12:51
not only seen the impact on their
12:54
romantic relationships but also with
12:57
with children or other people that were
13:00
in a caregiving position for them so for
13:03
those clients that they did speak up and
13:06
they told their parents but their
13:07
parents didn't believe them or their
13:09
parents didn't know what to do because
13:11
they didn't know any better uh they have
13:13
a lot of hurt and resentment towards
13:16
that parent and may avoid you know a
13:19
deep intimate relationship with that
13:22
parent and sometimes might have to end
13:24
up caregiving for their parent in their
13:26
older age and they just have so much res
13:29
in built up it's so complex absolutely
13:32
it really is you know I've even seen it
13:33
manifest in in parenting where uh you
13:36
know a parent is reluctant or reticent
13:38
to even change diapers or to bathe their
13:41
babies or their children because they
13:43
were inappropriately touched in their
13:45
childhood and they just don't want to do
13:46
the wrong thing and so they have this
13:48
innate in in inability to trust
13:50
themselves of like what's okay and not
13:52
okay touch and so we've had to work
13:54
through those things and you know really
13:56
normalize you you have to wipe very good
13:59
for a baby and you know you have to get
14:01
in there and clean it really well cuz
14:03
they can't and I and and you're not
14:04
doing anything wrong in fact it's more
14:06
neglectful to leave it you know and
14:08
those kinds of things can be so
14:10
confusing for someone who didn't didn't
14:13
you know who was mistre who were
14:14
mistreated and I think those are the
14:16
kinds of things that are often not
14:17
discussed about relationship or um and
14:20
how or even an overprotection you know
14:23
you can never go anywhere with anyone if
14:26
I'm not there because the bad thing
14:28
happen to me and I'm going to now
14:30
project onto you every experience with
14:33
everyone that I don't know and although
14:35
the experiences of having been
14:37
mistreated are common and frequent or
14:40
prevalent the likelihood that it's
14:43
happening with everybody in every
14:45
circumstance is just not so and so
14:48
educating oneself and really doing due
14:51
diligence when it comes to spending time
14:53
with people and talking to the the
14:55
providers that your children are going
14:56
to be with the parents and and the
14:58
caregivers and things like that and
14:59
really just having good clear boundaries
15:01
and communication I think is important
15:03
but not so much a projection of what the
15:06
fear is now putting on to other people
15:08
especially as it relates to Parenting
15:10
it's so important and working through
15:13
you know those those foggy goggles that
15:14
may come from their own trauma so that
15:17
they can accurately perceive if a
15:20
caregiver or babysitter or um you know
15:24
family member that's caring for their
15:25
child really is a threat or not right
15:27
yeah we talk about just for those who
15:29
aren't familiar with that the foggy
15:31
goggles uh metaphor uh when we have
15:34
trauma and we've had things happen it
15:36
sort of clouds our perspective or our
15:38
visibility because we're looking just
15:39
through that lens and so we can't see as
15:42
clearly because we're tainted by the
15:45
history of our experience and and so
15:47
we're we've got to help clean lenses as
15:49
a therapist so that you have clearer
15:51
perspective and can and can um delineate
15:53
past present confusion and understand
15:56
you know although this happened to me it
15:57
doesn't mean it's happening now to
15:59
everybody around me and that we're not
16:01
projecting uh I I think another thing we
16:03
have to talk about is the impact uh
16:06
potential impact on economic situations
16:08
and the ability to provide for oneself
16:11
when I've been so so pervasively
16:13
traumatized and if you think about our
16:16
um ability to learn if we are in unsafe
16:21
uh in in in a lack of safety in our
16:22
homes I'm not going to school and really
16:25
caring about math and English and
16:27
getting my homework in my mere survival
16:29
has been um about trying to be safe
16:32
trying to avoid being in danger in the
16:33
future and so I'm not learning and so
16:36
when you see the collateral damage that
16:38
happens to someone who's going through
16:40
for physical or sexual abuse as a child
16:43
you know we would be remiss not to
16:45
mention the fact that likely it's
16:47
affecting the ability to learn in
16:48
education and those educational outcomes
16:51
being different affect our ability to
16:54
provide for ourselves to hold jobs to
16:57
make a decent enough living to through
16:59
school because our our anxiety and our
17:01
depression and our trauma symptoms very
17:03
much can affect our ability to learn and
17:06
so I think that's an important piece of
17:08
this puzzle that oftentimes is minimized
17:11
for um for those who have had these
17:14
kinds of experiences what are things
17:16
that we could do to address that do you
17:18
have any thoughts on that yeah I think a
17:21
lot of times what I see in clients is so
17:23
much of it as a capacity issue you know
17:26
the the trauma they've experienced takes
17:29
up so much of their capacity and so they
17:32
just don't always have a whole lot for
17:34
all of these relationships and work and
17:37
these different stressors in their lives
17:39
so I think it's really important to look
17:41
at where can I take care of myself where
17:44
can I you know find avenues for healing
17:48
and and getting more capacity right and
17:51
I mean I think that's the the piece that
17:53
we really need to make sure people
17:55
understand is if there is healing and
17:57
although it is not fair that that that
17:59
one has to take on that responsibility
18:01
whether they are a child or they are an
18:03
adult uh there is there is a way to heal
18:06
from this it's not an easy path it's not
18:09
a linear path but it definitely is a
18:11
possible path and so when we think about
18:13
that um to to help alleviate the shame
18:17
that is so often part of the uh sexual
18:20
abuse experience um you know the I'm bad
18:23
it's my fault I should have done
18:24
something else I shouldn't have done
18:25
something else all of those things that
18:27
are associated often times with shame
18:29
and shame about my worth and my body in
18:32
general like there's usually so much
18:34
complexity related to those things and
18:37
so healing really is possible but like I
18:40
said it's it's a hard path and um and so
18:44
we want we want people to do bottomup
18:46
therapies you want to talk a little bit
18:48
about how you know the therapies that we
18:50
do with EMDR how that can help
18:52
absolutely you know I think a lot of
18:55
times with trauma in general but
18:57
especially sexual abuse is your body is
18:59
still living in those past experiences
19:02
often not when we are triggered when we
19:04
go throughout our daily lives and so
19:07
working through your sexual abuse with a
19:10
bottomup therapy and an EMDR therapy can
19:13
help your body realize that you're no
19:16
longer in those you know past
19:18
experiences that yes you went through
19:21
that but now in these current
19:23
circumstances you are safe you are you
19:26
have options you aren't defective and
19:30
I've I've had so many clients that they
19:32
feel that shame that you talked about
19:35
and they realize that it's not part of
19:37
their identity anymore that they can be
19:39
you know their own person and free from
19:42
this thing that happened to them it
19:43
doesn't have to be who I am it can be
19:45
just something that happened to me and
19:47
it can be over it can get filed as if
19:49
it's no longer happening yeah or a lot
19:52
of clients hold on to or believe that
19:55
they're at fault for what happened they
19:57
blame themselves that that self blame is
19:59
so common yes especially if again they
20:03
think that they could have changed
20:04
something or worn something different um
20:07
or you know I have some clients that
20:09
they didn't say anything or they tried
20:11
to and it didn't work so other children
20:14
or people were abused by that
20:16
perpetrator and they feel so much blame
20:19
that that they didn't stop it right or
20:22
even seeing someone else be abused and
20:24
not speaking up i' I've had that happen
20:26
too where you know I was in the room and
20:27
my little sister
20:29
was being abused and I didn't say
20:30
anything I just laid there Frozen What
20:32
kind of person does that you know
20:33
there's a lot of vicarious Trauma from
20:36
witnessing or experiencing something
20:38
like that and so often times that's part
20:41
of the work that we have to do to help
20:42
someone heal yeah understanding why we
20:46
freeze or why we shut down or why we
20:48
submit and then helping our body find a
20:51
different way right uh for those who are
20:55
interested in learning more about EMDR
20:57
therapy I've got two episodes earlier in
20:59
this season about what is the MDR
21:01
therapy and a couple of other episodes
21:04
on how we work and the way the body
21:06
responds to trauma so those might be
21:07
good ones to watch to have a a greater
21:10
explanation about all of the the
21:12
concepts that we're discussing today um
21:14
but Ellie I really appreciate you being
21:16
here um for this incredibly important
21:19
but very hard conversation and for those
21:21
of you who uh this has been an
21:24
Affliction of yours and you've dealt
21:25
with this please know that there is help
21:28
um and please go get some help and and
21:31
don't be alone with this because there
21:32
is healing and there you just don't have
21:35
to live with this for the rest of your
21:36
life and although the path is not easy
21:39
like I said um there there is a path to
21:41
healing and so hopefully you've learned
21:44
something that can help you and I I wish
21:46
you the best in that healing Journey
21:49
there are some resources in the
21:50
descriptions below if you are looking
21:52
for some additional help so thank you so
21:55
much for being here today um and until
21:57
we meet again then don't forget to lead
21:59
with love it'll never steer you wrong
22:03
[Music]
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