0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thank you so much for tuning
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in today to Adaptable Behavior
0:16
Explained. I'm Kelly O'Horo, your host.
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I am an EMDR therapist and super
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passionate about helping people
0:23
understand why we behave the way that we
0:25
do and that's what this show is all
0:27
about. Today we're going to be talking
0:29
about a topic that I have never met a
0:31
single person that doesn't struggle with
0:33
and that's boundaries, but more
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importantly the nuances between kind of
0:39
what our friend calls the foreseeable
0:41
crisis and how do we navigate when do we
0:44
step in and help? When do we pull back
0:46
because it's someone else's journey to
0:48
learn about and how do we determine, you
0:51
know, what are we going to do to figure
0:54
this out? So every single relationship
0:57
that people have struggle with this
1:00
whether it's a partner, a friend, one of
1:02
your kids, uh or in my case clients,
1:05
they struggle with this. How do we
1:06
balance giving someone autonomy while
1:09
offering support to them? And what's too
1:11
much? What's considered enabling? How do
1:13
we manage the boundaries around when
1:14
someone we care about is in a crisis? If
1:17
you've ever felt torn about this, then
1:19
you're certainly not alone. I feel like
1:22
this all the time. I love a lot of
1:24
people. I care about a lot of people. I
1:27
have a very big family. And this is an
1:29
area that I find myself challenged with
1:32
on the regular. And so if you're
1:33
noticing this about yourself, you are
1:35
certainly not alone. And if you ever
1:37
feel torn between this, you know, do I
1:40
insert myself and help or do I step back
1:43
and just let somebody struggle? And if I
1:46
do, do I struggle with guilt around
1:48
setting these limits for myself? this
1:50
show is gonna help you because it's
1:52
really a tricky thing to navigate and
1:54
we're not really ever refined at it
1:57
perfectly. I've never met anyone who
1:58
just gets this right all the time
2:00
because we're we're not robots. We're
2:02
humans. We care about people. We don't
2:04
want to watch people struggle. And we
2:07
want to make sure that we can set people
2:09
up to have some autonomy and to make
2:11
their choices and then to have the
2:13
awesome opportunity to learn from the
2:15
consequences that they have. And so when
2:18
we think about autonomy, it's really the
2:20
ability to make your own choices and
2:23
then learn from them. It's essential for
2:25
building confidence, resilience, and a
2:28
sense of self. When somebody jumps in to
2:30
take care of everything for us, we never
2:32
understand the emotion pride, which
2:35
motivates future behavior. We don't
2:37
build this resilience of falling down
2:39
and failing and needing to get
2:40
resourceful to get back up. And uh I see
2:44
this a lot in in really uh
2:45
overfunctioning parents where they're
2:48
jumping so quickly to solve a problem
2:50
for a child before the child's even had
2:52
a chance to kind of troubleshoot it
2:54
themselves. And I see this taking away
2:57
an opportunity for someone to build that
3:00
resilience, build sense of pride, which
3:02
motivates that future behavior. And when
3:05
someone is given the opportunity to
3:07
develop that sense of self, it's really
3:09
powerful. It helps them to learn and
3:11
lead from their own process and
3:14
ultimately create a lot of skills in
3:17
trouble uh shooting and problem solving
3:20
that oftentimes don't exist if we don't
3:23
have opportunities to make mistakes. And
3:25
so when you think about people who
3:28
struggle with letting someone have an
3:30
opportunity to fall, it can be really
3:32
hard. It can be really hard to watch. I
3:35
know, like I said, I really struggle
3:36
with this. I hate to watch people that I
3:38
love suffer. I want to race to rescue. I
3:41
want to jump in and help them. And I've
3:43
seen this with many, many clients as
3:45
well where people are kind of paralyzed
3:47
by indecision. They don't know what
3:49
direction to take. And even as a
3:51
therapist, it's hard for me to pull back
3:53
and not just encourage them to to do
3:55
something in one direction or another.
3:57
But ultimately, my job is to encourage
4:00
them to take ownership of their choices
4:02
without stepping in to fix things. And
4:04
so eventually people make bold
4:06
life-changing decisions and they get to
4:09
take accountability, they get to take
4:11
pride and they get to have the ownership
4:13
of the outcome of the positive outcomes
4:16
as well. So support doesn't always mean
4:18
that we step in. Sometimes the most
4:20
supportive thing that we can do is to
4:22
step back and let people have some room.
4:25
I talked about the concept of the
4:27
rescuer and this is an area where I
4:29
really struggle personally. I just have
4:31
this impulsive personality. I want to
4:34
jump in with all of my great solutions
4:36
for people. And unfortunately, that's
4:38
not really appropriate, especially if I
4:40
wasn't invited or I wasn't asked. And so
4:43
this rescuer role, many of you might be
4:45
able to relate to it. U it's common.
4:47
It's a common dynamic, especially for
4:49
those of us who are helpers by nature.
4:51
I'm an enog. So my natural disposition
4:55
is to jump in and want to help. And I
4:58
just had a circumstance with a family
4:59
member where, you know, they were really
5:01
trying to help and it overwhelmed me so
5:03
much because they didn't say what would
5:05
help look like. And so I think that we
5:07
really want to help one another, but
5:09
oftentimes we want to think about what
5:11
does help look like? And we need to be
5:13
invited. We need to ask someone, hey,
5:15
I'm interested in helping you. What
5:16
would help look like? and give them an
5:19
opportunity to take some accountability
5:21
for that for the ask and and ultimately
5:23
to to offer a way or a suggestion for
5:27
help to be invited. But if we're
5:29
constantly rescuing someone, it can
5:31
actually really hinder their growth. It
5:33
sends a message, you can't handle this
5:35
without me. It creates a sense of job
5:38
for the rescuer like I need a purpose. I
5:40
need a role and so I've got to jump in
5:42
so that I can have value. And so there's
5:44
a helpful question that you can ask
5:46
yourself and that's am I helping because
5:48
they truly need it or because I feel
5:51
uncomfortable watching them struggle or
5:53
because I'm going to feel really good
5:55
about being a helper. There's this
5:57
secondary thing that happens where I've
5:59
got a role to play. I'm important when
6:01
people need me. And so you've got to
6:04
really look at your motivation when you
6:05
go to help someone. when you allow
6:08
others to face their challenges and we
6:10
we give them the opportunity to build
6:12
that resilience and problem solving
6:13
skills. It's it's essential to
6:15
development. Uh one of my kids said, you
6:18
know, I wish that you would have let me
6:19
struggle more. And I definitely saw this
6:21
with my older kids. Like I jumped in
6:24
because I didn't want them to struggle
6:26
and I didn't want them to have uh
6:28
crises. And as a result, I didn't give
6:30
them opportunities as much as would have
6:32
been healthier for them to fall down and
6:34
learn how to pick themselves back up.
6:36
So, now we're going to talk about the
6:37
predictable crises because this is where
6:39
I find myself toiling. You know, I'm
6:42
oftentimes the phone call when there's a
6:44
problem. I'm, you know, I'm a helper.
6:46
Um, I like to jump in and help. People
6:48
know they can count on me. It's part of
6:50
my relationship role in some of my
6:52
family relationships. And there becomes
6:55
this fine line of there's this
6:57
predictable crisis that can happen,
6:59
right? This is why we want to insert our
7:00
opinion. This is why we want to say,
7:02
"Hey, you might consider doing this or
7:04
that." Uh, you know, I was I'll think of
7:06
an example of a of a client that just
7:08
came in and she says, "You know, I'm
7:10
struggling because I told my son he
7:13
needed to get car insurance and he
7:15
didn't do that." And she's like, "I told
7:17
you like you really need to consider it.
7:19
This is a problem." And he's like, "Mom,
7:21
it's not that big of a deal. I'll get it
7:23
figured out." And sure enough, he ends
7:25
up in a car accident. And because of
7:27
that, and he has no insurance, the
7:29
people that he hit are now suing him.
7:31
And because he didn't have insurance,
7:33
he's at fault. even if he wasn't at
7:35
fault because he didn't have his bases
7:36
covered. And so then this client is
7:39
like, "How do I step in?" I told him not
7:42
to drive without insurance. I told him
7:44
that it was really critical and
7:45
important. And now this foreseeable
7:47
crisis, sure enough, it happens. It's
7:50
kind of predictable. If you've been
7:51
driving a while, you recognize it's not
7:53
if, but when you're going to get in a
7:54
car accident, right? And so that said,
7:57
when we see someone deciding to drive
7:59
without it, this car insurance, it's
8:01
like, uh, that's not a good idea. And so
8:04
this predictable potential crisis, how
8:07
do we jump in? Does is it right if she
8:09
goes and helps him with it? Does she pay
8:11
for the damages? Does she pay for a
8:13
lawyer? Is that appropriate when she
8:15
tried to warn him about this thing? I
8:17
would argue it's not because he made a
8:19
choice a against her thoughts and wishes
8:22
and considerations and now he's got this
8:24
consequence he has to deal with. And so
8:26
these are these are these predictable
8:28
crises. Maybe you have a loved one who
8:30
spirals every holiday season or a friend
8:33
who hits a rough patch during
8:35
transitions and they don't know this
8:37
about themselves. They don't do things
8:39
to to prepare for that. So recognizing
8:41
these patterns, it kind of allows us to
8:43
prepare without abandoning our own
8:45
boundaries. And so, you know, this
8:48
example with with this uh client who had
8:51
this happen with her son who opted out
8:53
of doing car insurance, she might say to
8:56
the next kids in line, "Hey, this thing
8:58
happened with your brother. I want you
9:00
to know if you make this choice, I will
9:02
not be helping you. I'm going to set
9:04
this boundary ahead of time. I'm talking
9:06
about this potential predictable crisis,
9:08
and this is an area that I am not
9:10
interested in involving myself because
9:11
there is a way to avoid it." So, just
9:14
something to think about. And and I mean
9:16
I think as parents we see this all the
9:17
time. This is why we jump in and try to
9:19
tell our kids what we think they should
9:20
do and we want them to learn from our
9:22
mistakes and we don't want them to make
9:24
the same mistakes that we made because
9:26
we made them and this is why we offer
9:28
this this advice and oftentimes um you
9:32
know un unasked or un uninvited. But we
9:36
can say, "Hey, uh, I want to offer
9:39
support, but here's what support won't
9:41
look like if you don't take, uh, into
9:43
account this predictable crisis, this
9:45
thing that I can kind of see might
9:48
happen. I can't be your phone call. You
9:50
know, you can make that option, but or
9:52
that choice, but I can't be the person
9:54
that you're going to call because I'm
9:55
not willing to sacrifice, you know, my
9:57
time, my talent, my resources because of
10:00
something that I wouldn't have done in
10:01
the first place." Does this make sense?
10:04
So anticipating a crisis doesn't mean
10:07
you're overfunctioning. It means you're
10:08
kind of preparing with intention. And I
10:11
think this is an area that uh without
10:13
really clear forthright u communication
10:17
upfront, especially with people that we
10:19
might have had responsibilities for and
10:22
we don't necessarily have responsibility
10:24
for now or we can start to titrate our
10:27
level of responsibility. For example,
10:29
when our kids are younger, we have a lot
10:31
more responsibility about their
10:32
outcomes. And as they age, we pull back,
10:35
pull back, pull back what we are
10:37
obligated to to help them with. And I
10:40
think that I've gotten so much practice
10:42
with this piece because, you know, we
10:45
are able to insert our opinions when our
10:47
kids are growing up and as they become
10:49
adults, it becomes intrusive. It becomes
10:52
problematic and and honestly, it pushes
10:54
our our kids away if we continue that
10:56
behavior. They don't want to hear it.
10:58
They want to have the chance to live
10:59
their own choices and their own lives.
11:00
And they want to be able to make their
11:02
own mistakes and and and adapt and
11:05
change. And so as you mature your
11:08
relationship, especially as an older um
11:11
like of of adult children, you want to
11:13
look at going, "Hey, it looks like
11:16
you're going to make this choice. Boy,
11:18
that might be hard. I I hope it works
11:20
out. Here's some things you might
11:21
consider if you're open to it. And if
11:23
they invite you, you can share that. And
11:25
then if they don't opt to follow those
11:27
the feedback or consider those things,
11:29
it's not your responsibility. And I
11:31
think that that's an area where a lot of
11:33
parents struggle in that transition into
11:36
adult parenting. So how do we deal with
11:39
this? This is this next segment is about
11:41
boundary setting. And I have a whole
11:44
episode about boundary setting. It's
11:46
called boundaries 101. So highly uh
11:48
encourage you to take a peek at that
11:50
episode. But setting boundaries with
11:52
people that we love, it can be really
11:54
hard. It's simple, but it's not easy.
11:57
And it brings up in us guilt. It brings
11:59
up fear, fear of rejection or worry that
12:03
we're going to be perceived as selfish.
12:06
And so boundaries are important in any
12:09
healthy relationship. But boundaries are
12:12
not walls. They're bridges. They help us
12:14
stay in connected uh in connection in a
12:16
way that's sustainable. That's helpful.
12:18
I've worked with clients who felt a lot
12:20
of guilt for saying no, but once they
12:22
learn to communicate their needs clearly
12:24
and with compassion, they find that
12:27
their relationships actually improved.
12:29
It's important that you're putting your
12:31
oxygen mask on before you put it on
12:33
everybody around you. Self-care isn't
12:36
selfish. It's what allows us to show up
12:38
fully and authentically in our
12:40
relationships. And without them, you
12:42
can't be in a in a really healthy
12:44
relationship. And the trick is that we
12:47
have to balance this empathy and our
12:50
boundaries. What's the difference
12:52
between caring and having empathy and
12:55
including boundaries as part of our
12:57
healthy relationships? Because they're
12:58
not opposites. Empathy and boundaries
13:00
are partners. So, you can be deeply
13:03
compassionate and still say, "I can't
13:05
take this on right now, or I I'm
13:07
unwilling to help you if the
13:08
circumstances are going to be like
13:09
this." You can validate someone's
13:12
feelings without fixing their situation.
13:14
You know, I I'm going through a curtain
13:15
thing right now where I've got a parent
13:17
who needs a lot of caretaking after a a
13:20
really serious complicated uh surgery.
13:24
And you know, I signed up to to help
13:26
her. I signed up to be the person that
13:29
would be uh you know, a primary
13:31
caretaker along with my husband. And
13:33
there's this crossroads, right, of what
13:35
does help look like? And we're coming up
13:38
on this this time where we've got to
13:41
start having some compassionate
13:42
conversations around around help and
13:45
around support because, you know,
13:47
there's there's an agreement of I'll
13:49
help you, but I I don't want to help you
13:51
if you're not doing your part in the
13:54
agreement. If you're not doing the
13:55
things that have been recommended,
13:57
because it won't lead you to a full
13:59
recovery. And so the sacrifice that I'm
14:01
willing to make can only be under the
14:04
agreements that you're also doing the
14:06
things that you were told you needed to
14:07
do so that you can get strong and whole
14:09
and healthy again. And so this balance,
14:11
right? It's hard. It's hard to say,
14:13
"Hey, I've agreed to help you and I'm
14:15
compassionate, but I'm also feeling
14:17
overwhelmed or burned out or exhausted
14:19
because it's a lot to be a caretaker."
14:22
So you can validate someone's feelings
14:24
without necessarily fixing their
14:26
situation. You can learn how to actively
14:29
listen. This is reflective statements.
14:31
This is um simply being present. It can
14:34
go a long way. I've seen clients learn
14:36
to hold space for people while still
14:38
protecting their own energy. And it it
14:40
is a beautiful shift. I know as a
14:41
therapist, I had to learn this because
14:44
for the first three years of practice, I
14:46
was like taking on way too much of
14:48
everybody's emotional energy. And so,
14:51
learning how to protect your own energy
14:53
is really necessary to be sustainable.
14:55
And it's a beautiful shift to be able to
14:57
do that. So you don't have to choose
14:59
between being kind and being clear. You
15:02
can be both. And like Bnee Brown always
15:04
says, um, clear is kind. And so the
15:07
communication is really important in in
15:09
the boundary setting. So the other piece
15:12
that's necessary is this communication
15:14
of the boundaries. How we communicate
15:16
our boundaries matters just as much
15:18
about as the boundaries themselves. We
15:20
have to use language that's both firm
15:22
and caring. And that makes all the
15:25
difference. So, for example, in in
15:27
talking about me uh caring for my mom
15:29
right now, it's like I care about you
15:31
and I want to support you, but I also
15:33
need to take care of myself. And so,
15:35
being able to express both sides of the
15:37
coin is really important. And
15:38
consistency is key. When we hold our
15:40
boundaries with love and with clarity,
15:43
people are much more likely to respect
15:45
them and oftentimes be, I don't want to
15:48
say compliant, that's not really the
15:50
right word, but be in agreement with the
15:52
boundaries that are set. and we are a
15:54
lot more likely to maintain them when we
15:56
can deliver them with respect. Now,
15:58
there's going to be exceptions. We've
16:00
got to recognize when are we going to
16:02
step in. Of course, there's times when
16:04
stepping in is necessary, especially in
16:06
a crisis. If someone's in severe
16:08
distress, they are, you know,
16:10
incapacitated, they're unable to
16:11
function or at the risk of harming
16:13
themselves or others, then of course
16:15
intervention is appropriate. Uh trust
16:18
your instincts. Don't hesitate to
16:20
involve professionals or emergency
16:22
services when needed with things like
16:24
that because this is there are times
16:26
when setting boundaries is not
16:27
appropriate. It could be considered
16:29
abandoning. Boundaries don't mean we're
16:31
abandoning we're abandoning people. It
16:33
means that you you know how to help in a
16:36
way that's healthy for everyone
16:38
involved, including you know yourself as
16:41
the person who's offering the help or
16:42
the support. And sometimes it's just too
16:45
much whatever it is that we're involved
16:46
with. So enlisting the help of support
16:49
networks is really critical. You don't
16:51
have to do things alone. You can reach
16:53
out to a therapist, trusted friends that
16:56
are non-judgmental. There's support
16:58
groups all over Facebook with almost any
17:01
issue you could come up with. Or maybe
17:02
you have a colleague or, you know, a
17:04
mentor. leaning on your network can make
17:07
all the difference when it comes uh to
17:09
trying to decipher do I intervene in
17:11
this crisis, this predictable crisis
17:13
that I could foresee or do I let someone
17:16
have the the learning opportunity and
17:18
the consequence on their own. I've seen
17:21
how clients really thrive when they have
17:23
a circle of support that respects their
17:25
boundaries and encourages their growth
17:27
and everybody deserves that. I I know
17:30
this conversation is really hard. I know
17:32
it's a tricky one, but uh it's really
17:35
important that you get clear with
17:36
yourself about what you need to do to
17:38
take care of yourself while not
17:40
compromising compassion and kindness for
17:42
others. And hopefully this episode
17:44
helped you figure that out. Balancing
17:46
autonomy and support, managing crises
17:49
and setting boundaries is a journey. It
17:51
takes practice. It takes reflection. It
17:53
takes support. It takes accountability
17:55
partners and in kicking back and saying,
17:57
"Hey, is this kind? Is this clear? Is
18:00
this selfish?" And we really need to
18:01
have people that we trust that we can
18:03
check in with. It requires a lot of
18:05
self-compassion. This is no joke. This
18:07
is an a hard concept. And I hope that it
18:09
helped you. If this topic resonated with
18:12
you or someone else might benefit from
18:15
it, please share it. Uh, subscribe to
18:17
the show. Please let me know if there's
18:20
another topic that you would like to
18:22
hear about. Um, you can also connect
18:24
with me through my social media, Kelly
18:26
O'Horo on Instagram or in the comment of
18:28
the section below. So again, thank you
18:31
so much for tuning in and thank you for
18:34
giving this a good shot and reflecting
18:36
on your own uh potential growth. And
18:38
until we meet again, don't forget to
18:40
lead with love. It'll never steer you