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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over the foreseeable crisis: how to set boundaries and encourage autonomy with Kelly O’Horo, unpacking why over-functioning can lead to long-term challenges and how giving space can foster true growth and resilience.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thank you so much for tuning
0:14
in today to Adaptable Behavior
0:16
Explained. I'm Kelly O'Horo, your host.
0:18
I am an EMDR therapist and super
0:21
passionate about helping people
0:23
understand why we behave the way that we
0:25
do and that's what this show is all
0:27
about. Today we're going to be talking
0:29
about a topic that I have never met a
0:31
single person that doesn't struggle with
0:33
and that's boundaries, but more
0:35
importantly the nuances between kind of
0:39
what our friend calls the foreseeable
0:41
crisis and how do we navigate when do we
0:44
step in and help? When do we pull back
0:46
because it's someone else's journey to
0:48
learn about and how do we determine, you
0:51
know, what are we going to do to figure
0:54
this out? So every single relationship
0:57
that people have struggle with this
1:00
whether it's a partner, a friend, one of
1:02
your kids, uh or in my case clients,
1:05
they struggle with this. How do we
1:06
balance giving someone autonomy while
1:09
offering support to them? And what's too
1:11
much? What's considered enabling? How do
1:13
we manage the boundaries around when
1:14
someone we care about is in a crisis? If
1:17
you've ever felt torn about this, then
1:19
you're certainly not alone. I feel like
1:22
this all the time. I love a lot of
1:24
people. I care about a lot of people. I
1:27
have a very big family. And this is an
1:29
area that I find myself challenged with
1:32
on the regular. And so if you're
1:33
noticing this about yourself, you are
1:35
certainly not alone. And if you ever
1:37
feel torn between this, you know, do I
1:40
insert myself and help or do I step back
1:43
and just let somebody struggle? And if I
1:46
do, do I struggle with guilt around
1:48
setting these limits for myself? this
1:50
show is gonna help you because it's
1:52
really a tricky thing to navigate and
1:54
we're not really ever refined at it
1:57
perfectly. I've never met anyone who
1:58
just gets this right all the time
2:00
because we're we're not robots. We're
2:02
humans. We care about people. We don't
2:04
want to watch people struggle. And we
2:07
want to make sure that we can set people
2:09
up to have some autonomy and to make
2:11
their choices and then to have the
2:13
awesome opportunity to learn from the
2:15
consequences that they have. And so when
2:18
we think about autonomy, it's really the
2:20
ability to make your own choices and
2:23
then learn from them. It's essential for
2:25
building confidence, resilience, and a
2:28
sense of self. When somebody jumps in to
2:30
take care of everything for us, we never
2:32
understand the emotion pride, which
2:35
motivates future behavior. We don't
2:37
build this resilience of falling down
2:39
and failing and needing to get
2:40
resourceful to get back up. And uh I see
2:44
this a lot in in really uh
2:45
overfunctioning parents where they're
2:48
jumping so quickly to solve a problem
2:50
for a child before the child's even had
2:52
a chance to kind of troubleshoot it
2:54
themselves. And I see this taking away
2:57
an opportunity for someone to build that
3:00
resilience, build sense of pride, which
3:02
motivates that future behavior. And when
3:05
someone is given the opportunity to
3:07
develop that sense of self, it's really
3:09
powerful. It helps them to learn and
3:11
lead from their own process and
3:14
ultimately create a lot of skills in
3:17
trouble uh shooting and problem solving
3:20
that oftentimes don't exist if we don't
3:23
have opportunities to make mistakes. And
3:25
so when you think about people who
3:28
struggle with letting someone have an
3:30
opportunity to fall, it can be really
3:32
hard. It can be really hard to watch. I
3:35
know, like I said, I really struggle
3:36
with this. I hate to watch people that I
3:38
love suffer. I want to race to rescue. I
3:41
want to jump in and help them. And I've
3:43
seen this with many, many clients as
3:45
well where people are kind of paralyzed
3:47
by indecision. They don't know what
3:49
direction to take. And even as a
3:51
therapist, it's hard for me to pull back
3:53
and not just encourage them to to do
3:55
something in one direction or another.
3:57
But ultimately, my job is to encourage
4:00
them to take ownership of their choices
4:02
without stepping in to fix things. And
4:04
so eventually people make bold
4:06
life-changing decisions and they get to
4:09
take accountability, they get to take
4:11
pride and they get to have the ownership
4:13
of the outcome of the positive outcomes
4:16
as well. So support doesn't always mean
4:18
that we step in. Sometimes the most
4:20
supportive thing that we can do is to
4:22
step back and let people have some room.
4:25
I talked about the concept of the
4:27
rescuer and this is an area where I
4:29
really struggle personally. I just have
4:31
this impulsive personality. I want to
4:34
jump in with all of my great solutions
4:36
for people. And unfortunately, that's
4:38
not really appropriate, especially if I
4:40
wasn't invited or I wasn't asked. And so
4:43
this rescuer role, many of you might be
4:45
able to relate to it. U it's common.
4:47
It's a common dynamic, especially for
4:49
those of us who are helpers by nature.
4:51
I'm an enog. So my natural disposition
4:55
is to jump in and want to help. And I
4:58
just had a circumstance with a family
4:59
member where, you know, they were really
5:01
trying to help and it overwhelmed me so
5:03
much because they didn't say what would
5:05
help look like. And so I think that we
5:07
really want to help one another, but
5:09
oftentimes we want to think about what
5:11
does help look like? And we need to be
5:13
invited. We need to ask someone, hey,
5:15
I'm interested in helping you. What
5:16
would help look like? and give them an
5:19
opportunity to take some accountability
5:21
for that for the ask and and ultimately
5:23
to to offer a way or a suggestion for
5:27
help to be invited. But if we're
5:29
constantly rescuing someone, it can
5:31
actually really hinder their growth. It
5:33
sends a message, you can't handle this
5:35
without me. It creates a sense of job
5:38
for the rescuer like I need a purpose. I
5:40
need a role and so I've got to jump in
5:42
so that I can have value. And so there's
5:44
a helpful question that you can ask
5:46
yourself and that's am I helping because
5:48
they truly need it or because I feel
5:51
uncomfortable watching them struggle or
5:53
because I'm going to feel really good
5:55
about being a helper. There's this
5:57
secondary thing that happens where I've
5:59
got a role to play. I'm important when
6:01
people need me. And so you've got to
6:04
really look at your motivation when you
6:05
go to help someone. when you allow
6:08
others to face their challenges and we
6:10
we give them the opportunity to build
6:12
that resilience and problem solving
6:13
skills. It's it's essential to
6:15
development. Uh one of my kids said, you
6:18
know, I wish that you would have let me
6:19
struggle more. And I definitely saw this
6:21
with my older kids. Like I jumped in
6:24
because I didn't want them to struggle
6:26
and I didn't want them to have uh
6:28
crises. And as a result, I didn't give
6:30
them opportunities as much as would have
6:32
been healthier for them to fall down and
6:34
learn how to pick themselves back up.
6:36
So, now we're going to talk about the
6:37
predictable crises because this is where
6:39
I find myself toiling. You know, I'm
6:42
oftentimes the phone call when there's a
6:44
problem. I'm, you know, I'm a helper.
6:46
Um, I like to jump in and help. People
6:48
know they can count on me. It's part of
6:50
my relationship role in some of my
6:52
family relationships. And there becomes
6:55
this fine line of there's this
6:57
predictable crisis that can happen,
6:59
right? This is why we want to insert our
7:00
opinion. This is why we want to say,
7:02
"Hey, you might consider doing this or
7:04
that." Uh, you know, I was I'll think of
7:06
an example of a of a client that just
7:08
came in and she says, "You know, I'm
7:10
struggling because I told my son he
7:13
needed to get car insurance and he
7:15
didn't do that." And she's like, "I told
7:17
you like you really need to consider it.
7:19
This is a problem." And he's like, "Mom,
7:21
it's not that big of a deal. I'll get it
7:23
figured out." And sure enough, he ends
7:25
up in a car accident. And because of
7:27
that, and he has no insurance, the
7:29
people that he hit are now suing him.
7:31
And because he didn't have insurance,
7:33
he's at fault. even if he wasn't at
7:35
fault because he didn't have his bases
7:36
covered. And so then this client is
7:39
like, "How do I step in?" I told him not
7:42
to drive without insurance. I told him
7:44
that it was really critical and
7:45
important. And now this foreseeable
7:47
crisis, sure enough, it happens. It's
7:50
kind of predictable. If you've been
7:51
driving a while, you recognize it's not
7:53
if, but when you're going to get in a
7:54
car accident, right? And so that said,
7:57
when we see someone deciding to drive
7:59
without it, this car insurance, it's
8:01
like, uh, that's not a good idea. And so
8:04
this predictable potential crisis, how
8:07
do we jump in? Does is it right if she
8:09
goes and helps him with it? Does she pay
8:11
for the damages? Does she pay for a
8:13
lawyer? Is that appropriate when she
8:15
tried to warn him about this thing? I
8:17
would argue it's not because he made a
8:19
choice a against her thoughts and wishes
8:22
and considerations and now he's got this
8:24
consequence he has to deal with. And so
8:26
these are these are these predictable
8:28
crises. Maybe you have a loved one who
8:30
spirals every holiday season or a friend
8:33
who hits a rough patch during
8:35
transitions and they don't know this
8:37
about themselves. They don't do things
8:39
to to prepare for that. So recognizing
8:41
these patterns, it kind of allows us to
8:43
prepare without abandoning our own
8:45
boundaries. And so, you know, this
8:48
example with with this uh client who had
8:51
this happen with her son who opted out
8:53
of doing car insurance, she might say to
8:56
the next kids in line, "Hey, this thing
8:58
happened with your brother. I want you
9:00
to know if you make this choice, I will
9:02
not be helping you. I'm going to set
9:04
this boundary ahead of time. I'm talking
9:06
about this potential predictable crisis,
9:08
and this is an area that I am not
9:10
interested in involving myself because
9:11
there is a way to avoid it." So, just
9:14
something to think about. And and I mean
9:16
I think as parents we see this all the
9:17
time. This is why we jump in and try to
9:19
tell our kids what we think they should
9:20
do and we want them to learn from our
9:22
mistakes and we don't want them to make
9:24
the same mistakes that we made because
9:26
we made them and this is why we offer
9:28
this this advice and oftentimes um you
9:32
know un unasked or un uninvited. But we
9:36
can say, "Hey, uh, I want to offer
9:39
support, but here's what support won't
9:41
look like if you don't take, uh, into
9:43
account this predictable crisis, this
9:45
thing that I can kind of see might
9:48
happen. I can't be your phone call. You
9:50
know, you can make that option, but or
9:52
that choice, but I can't be the person
9:54
that you're going to call because I'm
9:55
not willing to sacrifice, you know, my
9:57
time, my talent, my resources because of
10:00
something that I wouldn't have done in
10:01
the first place." Does this make sense?
10:04
So anticipating a crisis doesn't mean
10:07
you're overfunctioning. It means you're
10:08
kind of preparing with intention. And I
10:11
think this is an area that uh without
10:13
really clear forthright u communication
10:17
upfront, especially with people that we
10:19
might have had responsibilities for and
10:22
we don't necessarily have responsibility
10:24
for now or we can start to titrate our
10:27
level of responsibility. For example,
10:29
when our kids are younger, we have a lot
10:31
more responsibility about their
10:32
outcomes. And as they age, we pull back,
10:35
pull back, pull back what we are
10:37
obligated to to help them with. And I
10:40
think that I've gotten so much practice
10:42
with this piece because, you know, we
10:45
are able to insert our opinions when our
10:47
kids are growing up and as they become
10:49
adults, it becomes intrusive. It becomes
10:52
problematic and and honestly, it pushes
10:54
our our kids away if we continue that
10:56
behavior. They don't want to hear it.
10:58
They want to have the chance to live
10:59
their own choices and their own lives.
11:00
And they want to be able to make their
11:02
own mistakes and and and adapt and
11:05
change. And so as you mature your
11:08
relationship, especially as an older um
11:11
like of of adult children, you want to
11:13
look at going, "Hey, it looks like
11:16
you're going to make this choice. Boy,
11:18
that might be hard. I I hope it works
11:20
out. Here's some things you might
11:21
consider if you're open to it. And if
11:23
they invite you, you can share that. And
11:25
then if they don't opt to follow those
11:27
the feedback or consider those things,
11:29
it's not your responsibility. And I
11:31
think that that's an area where a lot of
11:33
parents struggle in that transition into
11:36
adult parenting. So how do we deal with
11:39
this? This is this next segment is about
11:41
boundary setting. And I have a whole
11:44
episode about boundary setting. It's
11:46
called boundaries 101. So highly uh
11:48
encourage you to take a peek at that
11:50
episode. But setting boundaries with
11:52
people that we love, it can be really
11:54
hard. It's simple, but it's not easy.
11:57
And it brings up in us guilt. It brings
11:59
up fear, fear of rejection or worry that
12:03
we're going to be perceived as selfish.
12:06
And so boundaries are important in any
12:09
healthy relationship. But boundaries are
12:12
not walls. They're bridges. They help us
12:14
stay in connected uh in connection in a
12:16
way that's sustainable. That's helpful.
12:18
I've worked with clients who felt a lot
12:20
of guilt for saying no, but once they
12:22
learn to communicate their needs clearly
12:24
and with compassion, they find that
12:27
their relationships actually improved.
12:29
It's important that you're putting your
12:31
oxygen mask on before you put it on
12:33
everybody around you. Self-care isn't
12:36
selfish. It's what allows us to show up
12:38
fully and authentically in our
12:40
relationships. And without them, you
12:42
can't be in a in a really healthy
12:44
relationship. And the trick is that we
12:47
have to balance this empathy and our
12:50
boundaries. What's the difference
12:52
between caring and having empathy and
12:55
including boundaries as part of our
12:57
healthy relationships? Because they're
12:58
not opposites. Empathy and boundaries
13:00
are partners. So, you can be deeply
13:03
compassionate and still say, "I can't
13:05
take this on right now, or I I'm
13:07
unwilling to help you if the
13:08
circumstances are going to be like
13:09
this." You can validate someone's
13:12
feelings without fixing their situation.
13:14
You know, I I'm going through a curtain
13:15
thing right now where I've got a parent
13:17
who needs a lot of caretaking after a a
13:20
really serious complicated uh surgery.
13:24
And you know, I signed up to to help
13:26
her. I signed up to be the person that
13:29
would be uh you know, a primary
13:31
caretaker along with my husband. And
13:33
there's this crossroads, right, of what
13:35
does help look like? And we're coming up
13:38
on this this time where we've got to
13:41
start having some compassionate
13:42
conversations around around help and
13:45
around support because, you know,
13:47
there's there's an agreement of I'll
13:49
help you, but I I don't want to help you
13:51
if you're not doing your part in the
13:54
agreement. If you're not doing the
13:55
things that have been recommended,
13:57
because it won't lead you to a full
13:59
recovery. And so the sacrifice that I'm
14:01
willing to make can only be under the
14:04
agreements that you're also doing the
14:06
things that you were told you needed to
14:07
do so that you can get strong and whole
14:09
and healthy again. And so this balance,
14:11
right? It's hard. It's hard to say,
14:13
"Hey, I've agreed to help you and I'm
14:15
compassionate, but I'm also feeling
14:17
overwhelmed or burned out or exhausted
14:19
because it's a lot to be a caretaker."
14:22
So you can validate someone's feelings
14:24
without necessarily fixing their
14:26
situation. You can learn how to actively
14:29
listen. This is reflective statements.
14:31
This is um simply being present. It can
14:34
go a long way. I've seen clients learn
14:36
to hold space for people while still
14:38
protecting their own energy. And it it
14:40
is a beautiful shift. I know as a
14:41
therapist, I had to learn this because
14:44
for the first three years of practice, I
14:46
was like taking on way too much of
14:48
everybody's emotional energy. And so,
14:51
learning how to protect your own energy
14:53
is really necessary to be sustainable.
14:55
And it's a beautiful shift to be able to
14:57
do that. So you don't have to choose
14:59
between being kind and being clear. You
15:02
can be both. And like Bnee Brown always
15:04
says, um, clear is kind. And so the
15:07
communication is really important in in
15:09
the boundary setting. So the other piece
15:12
that's necessary is this communication
15:14
of the boundaries. How we communicate
15:16
our boundaries matters just as much
15:18
about as the boundaries themselves. We
15:20
have to use language that's both firm
15:22
and caring. And that makes all the
15:25
difference. So, for example, in in
15:27
talking about me uh caring for my mom
15:29
right now, it's like I care about you
15:31
and I want to support you, but I also
15:33
need to take care of myself. And so,
15:35
being able to express both sides of the
15:37
coin is really important. And
15:38
consistency is key. When we hold our
15:40
boundaries with love and with clarity,
15:43
people are much more likely to respect
15:45
them and oftentimes be, I don't want to
15:48
say compliant, that's not really the
15:50
right word, but be in agreement with the
15:52
boundaries that are set. and we are a
15:54
lot more likely to maintain them when we
15:56
can deliver them with respect. Now,
15:58
there's going to be exceptions. We've
16:00
got to recognize when are we going to
16:02
step in. Of course, there's times when
16:04
stepping in is necessary, especially in
16:06
a crisis. If someone's in severe
16:08
distress, they are, you know,
16:10
incapacitated, they're unable to
16:11
function or at the risk of harming
16:13
themselves or others, then of course
16:15
intervention is appropriate. Uh trust
16:18
your instincts. Don't hesitate to
16:20
involve professionals or emergency
16:22
services when needed with things like
16:24
that because this is there are times
16:26
when setting boundaries is not
16:27
appropriate. It could be considered
16:29
abandoning. Boundaries don't mean we're
16:31
abandoning we're abandoning people. It
16:33
means that you you know how to help in a
16:36
way that's healthy for everyone
16:38
involved, including you know yourself as
16:41
the person who's offering the help or
16:42
the support. And sometimes it's just too
16:45
much whatever it is that we're involved
16:46
with. So enlisting the help of support
16:49
networks is really critical. You don't
16:51
have to do things alone. You can reach
16:53
out to a therapist, trusted friends that
16:56
are non-judgmental. There's support
16:58
groups all over Facebook with almost any
17:01
issue you could come up with. Or maybe
17:02
you have a colleague or, you know, a
17:04
mentor. leaning on your network can make
17:07
all the difference when it comes uh to
17:09
trying to decipher do I intervene in
17:11
this crisis, this predictable crisis
17:13
that I could foresee or do I let someone
17:16
have the the learning opportunity and
17:18
the consequence on their own. I've seen
17:21
how clients really thrive when they have
17:23
a circle of support that respects their
17:25
boundaries and encourages their growth
17:27
and everybody deserves that. I I know
17:30
this conversation is really hard. I know
17:32
it's a tricky one, but uh it's really
17:35
important that you get clear with
17:36
yourself about what you need to do to
17:38
take care of yourself while not
17:40
compromising compassion and kindness for
17:42
others. And hopefully this episode
17:44
helped you figure that out. Balancing
17:46
autonomy and support, managing crises
17:49
and setting boundaries is a journey. It
17:51
takes practice. It takes reflection. It
17:53
takes support. It takes accountability
17:55
partners and in kicking back and saying,
17:57
"Hey, is this kind? Is this clear? Is
18:00
this selfish?" And we really need to
18:01
have people that we trust that we can
18:03
check in with. It requires a lot of
18:05
self-compassion. This is no joke. This
18:07
is an a hard concept. And I hope that it
18:09
helped you. If this topic resonated with
18:12
you or someone else might benefit from
18:15
it, please share it. Uh, subscribe to
18:17
the show. Please let me know if there's
18:20
another topic that you would like to
18:22
hear about. Um, you can also connect
18:24
with me through my social media, Kelly
18:26
O'Horo on Instagram or in the comment of
18:28
the section below. So again, thank you
18:31
so much for tuning in and thank you for
18:34
giving this a good shot and reflecting
18:36
on your own uh potential growth. And
18:38
until we meet again, don't forget to
18:40
lead with love. It'll never steer you
18:42
wrong.
18:44
[Music]
#Counseling Services
#Parenting