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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over how to learn to give the most generous assumption—a powerful mindset shift that leads to more peace, less conflict, and deeper connection in everyday relationships. By choosing to believe others are doing the best they can with what they know, we open the door to empathy, reduce emotional reactivity, and foster healing communication. Let's explore how this simple but profound approach can transform the way we relate to ourselves and others.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly O'Horo and this is
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Adaptable Behavior Explained Hi
0:12
everybody I'm Kelly O'Horo and welcome
0:14
to Adaptable Today we're going to talk
0:17
about something that I love and that I
0:19
learned as a daring way facilitator with
0:21
Bnee Brown's work and that's the concept
0:23
of trying to have the most generous
0:25
assumption What that means we're so
0:27
quick to judge We're so fast to find
0:30
flaws in what other people do And I
0:34
think that it ends up creating
0:35
disconnection in relationships It
0:37
creates turmoil in ourselves It creates
0:40
resentments And ultimately we're not
0:42
living peacefully as we could be living
0:44
if we can reduce that inherent judgment
0:47
that we all have Think about and
0:48
consider how you find yourself jumping
0:51
to conclusions about what they do their
0:53
intentions It's common for us as humans
0:56
to jump to a quick conclusion about
0:58
things but it often leads to
1:00
misunderstandings and it strains
1:02
relationships And so this is where this
1:05
concept of having the most generous
1:07
assumption comes in Like I said this
1:09
idea was popularized by a researcher and
1:12
one of my fierce mentors Bnee Brown
1:14
She's an awesome storyteller and I
1:16
highly recommend any book that she has
1:17
written Gifts of Imperfection Daring
1:20
Greatly Rising Strong Atlas of the Heart
1:23
is so good but it's the most recent one
1:25
It gives us better information about
1:26
what each emotion does and how our
1:29
emotions are supposed to show up for the
1:31
human And ultimately this concept of the
1:34
most generous assumption really tries to
1:36
encourage us to assume the best in
1:38
others even when their actions might
1:40
suggest otherwise I can remember when I
1:42
first learned about this concept it was
1:44
really frustrating to me because I
1:46
started having this internal voice that
1:48
I was bad or I was judgmental or I was
1:50
elitist or I thought I was better than
1:52
others And it really highlighted how
1:55
much we do jump to conclusions and you
1:57
know that you do that right uh people
1:59
make choices that you don't agree with
2:01
or you could see the 10 chess steps
2:04
ahead about how things are going to end
2:06
up and you see they should pivot or they
2:08
should course correct because you know
2:10
that it's you know maybe not in their
2:11
best interest But a little bit like Mel
2:14
Robbins let them theory It's about
2:16
recognizing that if we let people make
2:18
whatever choices they're going to make
2:20
and not take it personally or not insert
2:22
ourselves across the lane where it's not
2:24
our business And we can just assume that
2:27
people are really doing the very best
2:29
that they can with what they have It's a
2:31
much better way for us to live And it
2:33
may or may not be true but it's really
2:35
not our position or our place to decide
2:36
that for others And so when we have
2:39
these you know observations of choices
2:41
that other people make and we're like I
2:43
wouldn't do it that way and I don't
2:45
understand why others would not just
2:47
make those adjustments they should do it
2:49
more like I would do or they should try
2:51
harder It puts us in disconnection and
2:53
it creates just bad emotions and it's
2:56
bad vibes you know universally and it's
2:58
not necessary at all And so Bnee Brown
3:01
teaches us that making the most generous
3:03
assumption is kind of the best way to
3:05
lean into people with non-judgment She
3:08
describes the fact that people are
3:10
really doing the very best that they can
3:12
with what they have And we can open
3:15
ourselves up to empathy and connection
3:17
if we if we kind of hit the default
3:18
button on this generous assumption This
3:21
doesn't mean that we ignore harmful
3:23
behavior or we excuse poor choices but
3:26
rather we approach situations with a
3:28
mindset of curiosity and compassion You
3:30
know I wonder why they're acting that
3:32
way I wonder what they're doing You know
3:34
think about driving on a road and and
3:37
someone's pissed off and they cut you
3:39
off And you know I I've seen so many
3:42
people that they're just they start
3:44
cussing out the person in the other car
3:46
And if you think about the most generous
3:47
assumption idea you know you could say
3:50
"Gosh I wonder what's going on I wonder
3:52
if you know they're trying to race to
3:53
the hospital or I I wonder if you know
3:55
their mom is dying right now." And so
3:57
they're so disconnected from theirel
3:58
they're just like not paying attention
4:00
And so if we get curious and we show up
4:02
with a little bit more compassion and we
4:04
sort of hit that default button people
4:06
really are doing the very best that they
4:08
can with what they're currently going
4:10
through or what they have it just sits
4:12
easier and it doesn't change any outcome
4:14
except for how you resonate in your own
4:17
skin And so I want to talk a little bit
4:20
about why it's hard for us to make the
4:21
most generous assumption because I think
4:23
if it were easy we would all just do it
4:25
But there's several reasons that this is
4:27
hard First our brains are wired to
4:30
protect us And so giving the example of
4:33
the you know the car situation you know
4:35
if I yell and I get pissed and I'm angry
4:37
that someone just cuts us off you know
4:39
biologically our lyic system is going
4:41
threat danger I need to do something to
4:44
protect myself and so you know if I jump
4:46
to this angry position because the
4:49
cortisol that comes from anger gives me
4:51
the energy I need to fight there's a you
4:53
know biological reason for this jumping
4:55
to this negative conclusion to sort of
4:57
protect myself from potential harm But
4:59
the truth is if I yell you know screw
5:02
off in my car they can't hear me
5:05
They're not going to change I'm now
5:07
heightened I'm more alert I'm likely
5:09
more aggressive which might give me an
5:11
opportunity to make a mistake Whereas if
5:13
I go "Dang generous assumption I wonder
5:16
what's going on with them They they must
5:18
really have had a rough morning to be in
5:20
such a hurry I hate when I have a day
5:22
like that." Then I'm more measured I'm
5:24
more calm I'm more in my prefrontal
5:26
cortex And so it really serves us to be
5:28
able to do that So you know that first
5:31
reason is biologically we're we're wired
5:33
to protect ourselves But our past
5:35
experiences and our biases it clouds our
5:38
judgment It makes us difficult to see
5:40
the good in people We jump to those
5:42
quick conclusions because of what we've
5:43
seen or what we've been through or
5:45
honestly where others have fallen short
5:47
in our life So all those things are true
5:50
and and at the same time we can train
5:52
ourselves to make more generous
5:54
assumptions It's a practice And so I'm
5:55
hoping that with this show you even
5:58
recognize it as an as an issue in the
6:00
first place And then after that you go
6:02
hey I'm going to pay attention to when I
6:04
don't do that when I don't offer you
6:07
know a generous assumption and I find
6:09
myself you know either dress rehearsing
6:11
tragedy or I find myself in like a
6:12
really critical mindset or I'm judging
6:15
others with the biases that I have So
6:17
I'm going to give you some tips to kind
6:19
of get started on changing this and
6:21
practicing a more generous assumption
6:23
And the first of which is like
6:25
recognizing that we are aware of oursel
6:28
We're going to practice self-awareness
6:29
We're going to pay attention to your
6:31
thoughts and your reactions So let's say
6:33
you were typically someone who would you
6:35
know get pissed off when you were
6:37
driving when someone would cut you off
6:38
and you're hearing this and that
6:40
resonates with you you know or you walk
6:42
into your house after a really hard day
6:44
and you're ticked that the kids didn't
6:46
do their chores and you're ticked that
6:47
the dog chewed up something because
6:49
someone left something out and you're
6:51
just immediately in that default kind of
6:53
angry place You're hearing this episode
6:55
right now and you're like "Hey I do
6:57
that." And we're all guilty of it That's
6:59
why I'm talking about it I mean we
7:00
really are And so first again this is
7:02
like recognizing awareness of self and
7:05
you're going to pause and you're going
7:06
to ask yourself is there another more
7:08
generous explanation for what might have
7:10
happened and in so doing is kind of the
7:13
next step where we can cultivate some
7:14
empathy We want to try to put ourselves
7:16
in the other person's shoes You know
7:18
going back to the example of someone
7:20
who's driving recklessly or aggressively
7:23
You know I've been there I've been there
7:25
where I'm in such a freaking hurry or my
7:27
alarm didn't go off or you know I put on
7:30
my shirt and I was ready to go and I
7:32
dropped coffee on myself right as I was
7:34
getting in the car and so I'm like so
7:36
frustrated You know we've all had those
7:38
m those moments And so kind of trying to
7:40
put yourself in the other person's shoes
7:42
considering what they might be going
7:44
through how their experiences could be
7:46
influencing their behavior and their
7:48
actions and their choices I think that
7:49
the empathy side of things putting
7:51
yourself in that role really softens us
7:53
And you know the next thing that we want
7:55
to do is focus on our communication So
7:58
if we're unsure about someone's
7:59
intentions we can just ask So you know
8:03
open and honest communication can help
8:05
us clear up misunderstandings and build
8:07
trust you know when something goes wrong
8:10
in a way where it's like for example
8:11
thinking about an employee I might say
8:13
you know hey I was disappointed that
8:15
this other thing didn't happen and I
8:17
wanted to start with what happened that
8:19
got in your way to make whatever I asked
8:21
you to do not not take place And so we
8:24
can clear up misunderstandings We can
8:25
build trust We can exercise really open
8:28
communication And that can help us
8:29
soften into a generous assumption And
8:31
then we really need to reflect on our
8:33
own behavior We want to think about
8:34
times when we might have been
8:36
misunderstood You know how did it feel
8:38
let's say I was late for a deadline
8:40
Shoot Today when I was getting ready to
8:42
film I realized I forgot a charger
8:44
That's pretty important And I'm like I
8:46
think about those moments Like let's say
8:48
that my assistant Taylor over here like
8:51
let's say she forgot something and I'm
8:53
frustrated because it's disappointing or
8:55
whatever I can reflect on this moment
8:57
We're like everyone forgets something
8:58
right you know today I forgot this
9:00
charger and I'm having to have someone
9:01
bail me out to bring this this extension
9:04
so that I don't run out of battery So
9:06
it's those times where you think about
9:07
your own experiences and try to
9:10
recognize we've all been misunderstood
9:11
And it helps us to remind ourselves that
9:14
other people deserve that same benefit
9:15
of the doubt You know we're all really
9:17
doing the very best that we can with
9:19
what we have given our current
9:21
circumstances So if we're applying this
9:24
and we're trying to adopt this new way
9:26
of thinking and we're thinking about
9:27
applying generous assumptions when
9:29
possible you know we can create more
9:31
compassionate understanding
9:32
relationships It's not always easy but
9:35
it takes practice It takes reps It can
9:38
become a natural part of how we interact
9:39
with others You know I try to pride
9:41
myself in even when I jump to a
9:44
conclusion or a judgment You know I
9:46
typically grab it rewind myself back and
9:48
I say "Hey you know I'm really sorry Let
9:50
me try that again." or if I don't catch
9:52
it and I've got people in my circle of
9:54
trust that interact with me and they see
9:56
me up close and personal where I get
9:57
short or jumpy or where I do things that
9:59
are maybe not like the most
10:01
compassionate If they give me that
10:03
feedback I really want to hear it and I
10:05
want to try to circle back and do it
10:06
better the next time So I hope that you
10:09
find this concept something you want to
10:11
adopt in your life I think more generous
10:14
assumption more compassion more
10:15
communication you know reflection on our
10:18
own selves and our own experiences
10:20
dropping into empathy These are all ways
10:22
that we can cultivate better
10:23
relationships and really be in better
10:26
connection with one another So give it a
10:29
try Give us some feedback in the
10:31
comments section what you think about
10:32
adopting this and if it's hard for you I
10:34
I know that it was hard for me to get it
10:36
started but it's becoming a lot easier
10:38
and it's becoming more of a default
10:39
pathway in my brain because of the rep
10:41
So I highly recommend you give it a shot
10:43
If you found this episode or discussion
10:46
helpful please share it with someone
10:48
that could benefit Maybe leave a review
10:50
or a comment We appreciate your support
10:52
And if you've got some ideas about other
10:54
things that you'd like to hear about
10:56
from me you know definitely suggest that
10:58
as well in the comments So thank you so
11:00
much for tuning in to the episode of
11:02
Adaptable I appreciate your viewership
11:04
And until next time don't forget to lead
11:07
with love It'll never steer you wrong
11:10
[Music]