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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Have you ever found yourself agreeing to something you didn't want to do, simply because you couldn't muster the courage to say "no"? If so, you're not alone. Many of us struggle with the idea of rejecting requests, often at the expense of our own well-being. But what if I told you that saying "no" could actually be one of the most empowering things you could do for yourself? Yes, you heard it right! Learning to say "no" is not just about being assertive, it's about respecting your own time, energy, and personal limits. It's the Power of Saying No!
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kell ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody welcome back to the adaptable
0:14
show today we're going to dive into a
0:17
topic that so many of us struggle with
0:19
and that's the art of saying no it's a
0:21
simple word but it holds so much power
0:24
to transform your life and we're going
0:26
to explore how to master this skill and
0:30
really understand what's in the way so
0:32
when we say no we can Empower ourselves
0:35
to look after what's best for ourselves
0:37
we can set clear boundaries and
0:39
expectations for others and we are going
0:42
to learn how not to feel guilty when we
0:44
do so so um I hope that you enjoy this
0:47
show make sure to like And subscribe and
0:49
share it with someone that might be
0:51
struggling with this concept because
0:53
their lives will be so much more free
0:56
when they learn how to master this um
0:58
this topic so we're going to dig into a
1:00
few Concepts the first of which is
1:03
self-awareness many people don't have
1:05
much of that but it's a fundamental uh
1:08
aspect of our personal growth and
1:10
ultimately our emotional intelligence uh
1:13
it involves a conscious understanding of
1:15
our emotions our strengths our
1:17
weaknesses how we think and what we
1:20
value and so if we're self-aware it
1:23
allows us to make more informed choices
1:25
improve our relationships and ultimately
1:28
achieve greater self-acceptance
1:30
um when we love ourselves we feel more
1:32
empowered to advocate for ourselves in
1:35
ways that we need to and that includes
1:37
saying no so it's the Cornerstone of our
1:40
introspection it's the first step
1:42
towards meaningful change and
1:44
self-improvement and so our first step
1:47
is really about knowing who you are what
1:49
matters to you and um how you want to
1:52
implement those things and show those
1:55
things show about those things in your
1:57
life so for example if you Val you
2:00
family time saying no to late work hours
2:02
is in line with your priorities this is
2:05
appropriate and uh so if you can imagine
2:08
maybe being invited to a weekend event
2:10
but you've promised your family a movie
2:12
night uh it's okay to say I appreciate
2:14
the invite but I have plans with my
2:17
family so understanding your own
2:19
experience and what is important to you
2:21
really matters and then you can Advocate
2:23
and assert for such things the next the
2:26
next topic we're going to talk about is
2:28
assertiveness uh becoming assertive is
2:30
important because it empowers people to
2:33
express their thoughts uh your needs and
2:35
your boundaries clearly but most
2:38
importantly respectfully um I talk about
2:40
Communication in another episode but one
2:42
of my favorite sayings is clear as kind
2:45
and being able to be assertive and say
2:47
what we mean and mean what we say
2:49
without saying it mean is really
2:50
important uh being assertive Fosters
2:53
confidence in ourselves and it helps us
2:55
to earn respect from other people which
2:57
leads to healthier relationships and
2:59
more effective communication it also
3:02
enables us to handle conflicts more
3:04
constructively and to advocate for
3:06
ourselves in personal and professional
3:08
settings no matter what those may be it
3:11
contributes to overall well-being and
3:12
success when we can show up for
3:14
ourselves in an assertive way so it's
3:17
not just what we say to be assertive
3:19
it's how we say it we want to speak with
3:21
confidence we want to maintain eye
3:23
contact and so an example of how we
3:27
might use assertive communication uh and
3:30
and for you to emulate might be let's
3:32
say a colleague asks you for help on a
3:34
project and you're already swamped with
3:36
your own tasks and your own to-do lists
3:39
you can say that you're currently at
3:41
capacity with your own tasks or
3:43
assignments but I'm happy to revisit
3:46
with you next week um or even offer a
3:48
suggestion of someone who might be free
3:50
to give them some help the next thing we
3:53
want to talk about is boundaries because
3:55
saying no really is kind of a Paramount
3:58
to a boundary that might need to be set
4:00
for you they're essential for
4:01
maintaining a healthy sense of self they
4:04
uh boundaries are the guidelines for how
4:06
we want to be treated by others and how
4:08
we treat ourselves so we have to
4:10
establish clear boundaries to help to
4:12
protect our emotional well-being uh as
4:15
well as encourage mutual respect we
4:17
can't have fruitful healthy
4:18
relationships without boundaries it's
4:20
impossible and so it allows us
4:22
boundaries allow us to communicate our
4:24
needs and our limits effectively and
4:26
they really are the pathway to
4:28
connection and intimacy we we have to
4:30
teach people how to be in relationship
4:31
with us otherwise they're going to get
4:33
it wrong and it's really uh our
4:35
responsibility to make sure we're clear
4:37
about what we need in our relationships
4:39
and express those uh you know clearly uh
4:42
boundaries are crucial for creating
4:44
balance in our lives and pre preventing
4:46
our burnout and it ensures that we can
4:49
Thrive both in our personal and in our
4:51
professional lives this importance of
4:53
setting boundaries like I said it's
4:55
imperative to healthy communication and
4:57
healthy relationships so for an example
5:01
uh let's say a friend consistently calls
5:04
you during a time where you've set aside
5:06
to rest or relax it's okay to say to
5:08
somebody that you're not available after
5:10
a certain time but you're free to chat
5:12
before then another example um you know
5:15
for parents is I'll I you know I used to
5:17
let my kids know if you need anything
5:18
from me related to the parenting role I
5:20
need to know by 8 otherwise we're going
5:22
to have to table it tomorrow cuz I need
5:24
to start unwinding and so if they forgot
5:26
their poster board for a project
5:28
sometimes they might have to have a con
5:29
quence due to their late uh reaction to
5:33
a a poor follow-through on a boundary
5:35
and I think that those are important
5:36
lessons to teach people that that that
5:38
your time is important and it's valuable
5:41
but coming you know learning how to say
5:43
no can be tricky because for some people
5:46
it comes with a sense of guilt and guilt
5:50
as a constructive emotion tells us when
5:52
our actions don't align with our values
5:54
it encourages us to rectify our Behavior
5:57
but it differs from shame because that
5:59
attacks our self-identity and who I am
6:02
is bad as opposed to what I did was bad
6:04
one of my mentors Renee Brown underlies
6:07
that managing um our guilt is essential
6:10
but especially when we're learning to
6:12
say no because it helps us to uphold our
6:14
values without compromizing our own
6:16
Integrity our self-worth uh so we have
6:18
to manage our guilt by asserting our
6:20
decisions with confidence developing
6:23
resilience to it and practicing
6:25
self-compassion um which can lead to
6:27
fulfilling life and it resonates with
6:28
our true self when we're in line with
6:30
that so guilt can creep in after saying
6:33
no and remember that we're not
6:35
responsible for the reactions of other
6:37
people even when we have to say no when
6:39
we might want to say yes or when others
6:41
might want us to say yes so for example
6:44
if you decline an invitation and you
6:46
feel guilty about it you have to remind
6:48
yourself that you made the best choice
6:50
for you and your own well-being and uh I
6:54
recommend starting with small things
6:55
while you're practicing and learning
6:57
management of guilt sort of Lower State
6:59
things uh in order to make the process
7:02
of practicing a little bit easier the
7:04
next thing you want to keep in mind when
7:06
you think about the the management of or
7:09
learning how to to say no better uh more
7:12
practiced is empathy so empathy is
7:15
described as our ability to connect with
7:18
others by understanding and sharing in
7:20
their feelings it's about being present
7:22
and attuned to people's experiences
7:24
without judgment um it's not about
7:27
fixing problems um but about our courage
7:30
to meet others in their vulnerability uh
7:32
without losing our self and it's a
7:34
powerful tool for building trust and
7:36
fostering connection and healing
7:38
relationships so we really want to make
7:41
sure we can help understand others
7:43
without compromising our own needs so
7:45
for example when we turn down a request
7:47
we want to show compassion and say I
7:49
understand that this is important to you
7:51
and I wish that I can help but I can't
7:53
commit to that right now um my plates
7:56
just simply too full so we want to make
7:58
sure that are empathetic with our no but
8:01
that we don't take on the disappointment
8:03
or the reaction of others um which leads
8:07
us to the next top topic which is about
8:09
rejection and rejection sensitivity so
8:11
some of us are more sensitive to
8:13
rejection especially if we have not felt
8:17
safe in our environment or we were
8:19
raised with highly critical parents or
8:21
we didn't feel like we could gain the
8:23
approval or acceptance of our peers we
8:25
might have more sensitivity to rejection
8:28
and so there's heightened vulnerability
8:30
to that perception and the impact of
8:33
rejection and that kind of involves
8:35
intense emotional experiences to whether
8:38
it's real or perceived rejection which
8:40
leads to a cycle of fear and avoidance
8:43
of that feeling so we don't want to feel
8:45
rejected so we might be more reluctant
8:47
to say no so that when we say no to
8:49
others and we're and they're
8:50
disappointed we might attempt to avoid
8:52
that feeling by turning our no around
8:54
and shape-shifting and saying oh never
8:56
mind I'll do it because we are having a
8:58
hard time tolerating their
8:59
disappointment and so we have to look at
9:01
our fear of rejection because that can
9:03
be paralyzing uh we want to start small
9:06
practice saying no again in low stake
9:09
situations so for example um if you're
9:12
at a restaurant and you're served the
9:14
wrong item it's okay to say politely you
9:17
know this isn't what I ordered could you
9:19
please go ahead and correct that and
9:20
bring me you know the item that I asked
9:22
for and so this doesn't cost the the
9:24
server anything to get your order
9:26
correct and it gives you a chance to not
9:28
be fear ful of perhaps they're they're
9:31
overwhelmed and their eyes roll because
9:33
they have to go now do something else we
9:35
need to make sure we're not taking on
9:37
their the perception of rejection by the
9:40
way they showed up if we ask for
9:41
something to be uh rectified another
9:44
thing that's important to recognize in
9:46
our own responsibility about learning to
9:48
say no is time management so time
9:51
management is a it's a critical skill
9:53
most of us are really ever evolving in
9:55
this area but it involves prioritizing
9:57
your tasks and allocating time to
10:00
effectively achieve your goals so when
10:02
you're learning to say no it's important
10:04
because it helps us to maintain control
10:06
over our schedule and prevents us from
10:09
overcommit ourselves which ultimately
10:11
creates a lot of stress so by saying no
10:14
to less important things you can focus
10:15
on what truly matters which ensures your
10:18
time is spent efficiently and your
10:20
productivity and work life balance are
10:22
optimized so it's important to really
10:24
look at your time and how do you value
10:26
spending that time it's precious and
10:28
it's so so important to make sure that
10:30
you say no so you can free up time for
10:33
what truly matters to you so a way that
10:35
you could an example for this is that if
10:37
you're asked you know for example to
10:39
volunteer um on a busy weekend it's okay
10:42
to say something like I don't have time
10:44
or bandwidth this weekend but please you
10:46
know keep me in mind for a future
10:48
opportunity because I do uh value uh
10:51
volunteering but this weekend's just not
10:53
going to work for me and just like any
10:55
new skill practice is essential and if
10:58
you've had hard time saying no perhaps
11:00
you were more of a people pleaser
11:02
growing up or that was one of your
11:03
adaptations that you um learned in your
11:06
family system then this is going to take
11:08
more practice to learn how to say no and
11:11
improve that skill and every time we
11:14
practice something and it stimulates our
11:15
brains it promotes neural growth and
11:18
improves our cognitive function so we
11:19
have to practice um but ultimately it
11:22
leads us uh it it um leads to personal
11:25
development it boosts our self-esteem
11:28
and it can open us up to New
11:29
Opportunities so we want to have
11:31
consistent practice because it enhances
11:33
our proficient our proficiency our
11:36
confidence and it allows us to expand
11:38
our capabilities uh to adapt to various
11:41
challenges in life and so when thinking
11:44
about the no practice makes perfect we
11:46
want to start with situations where um
11:49
you know it's not so overwhelming for us
11:52
and like I said before when the stakes
11:53
are lower and then build up from there
11:56
so we want to practice uh for examp
11:59
example if we had a salesperson who was
12:01
pushing a product or something on us we
12:03
can say no thank you I'm not interested
12:06
you might need to repeat that several
12:08
times now thank you I'm not interested
12:09
that's called the broken record
12:10
technique where we just basically repeat
12:12
the same thing uh you don't have to
12:14
defend or Justify Your no you can just
12:17
Express the no but keeping it simple and
12:20
keeping it clear is really important
12:22
which brings me to my next topic to
12:25
bring up about saying no which is
12:27
Clarity we have to be clear clear is
12:31
kind it's crucial when we're learning to
12:33
say no because it ensures that our
12:35
refusal is understood and it's respected
12:39
and so when we waffle or we go back and
12:40
forth on our know it teaches others that
12:43
our word is not really trustworthy and
12:45
they will they will uh capitalize on our
12:48
uh our flexibility or our uh lack of
12:51
boundaries around the no and so it helps
12:53
us to set the firm boundaries where we
12:55
communicate effectively when we're clear
12:58
we want be direct because it minimizes
13:01
misunderstandings and it helps us to
13:03
maintain healthier relationships when
13:04
we're clear and when we're direct and it
13:07
also helps you stay clear and committed
13:09
to the values that you want to uphold so
13:12
being direct is so important you don't
13:15
owe anyone a lengthy explanation about
13:18
anything so for example if someone asks
13:20
you for a favor and you can't fulfill it
13:22
or simply you don't want to you can say
13:24
I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to do
13:25
that you don't have to offer anything
13:27
else in the way of excus uses or
13:30
anything else and we want to maintain
13:32
consistency when it comes to how we show
13:34
up for ourselves related to the no and
13:37
that does take practice and people will
13:39
definitely see when you're not
13:41
consistent and that will bite you in the
13:43
butt if you aren't clear about the fact
13:45
that you weren't consistent so it's it's
13:48
really necessary because it reinforces
13:50
your boundaries and it communicates your
13:52
priorities and it's reliable it can be
13:55
trusted it builds trust in others um
13:57
because they come to understand and they
13:59
respect your limits whereas just like in
14:02
anything consistent Behavior strengthens
14:04
our own resolve it makes it easier for
14:06
us to manage our time our commitments uh
14:09
effectively it helps us to prevent
14:11
feelings of guilt um or self-doubt that
14:14
oftentimes Ares when we're inconsistent
14:16
with our decision- making consistency is
14:19
key so you want to stick to your
14:20
decision even if you're pressured uh
14:23
because if you're repeatedly asked to
14:25
reconsider you just can commonly say as
14:27
I mentioned before my decision is final
14:29
this is the direction that I need to
14:31
take this so I know that it's hard I
14:34
know that it's tricky there's a lot to
14:36
consider but it is freedom learning to
14:38
say no really will impact your life so
14:42
positively people will treat you with
14:43
more respect show up in more consistent
14:46
ways and you can trust yourself that
14:48
you're protecting the values that you
14:50
want to uphold when you're consistent
14:52
with your nose and you're clear about
14:54
what you want it's a powerful tool it's
14:56
necessary for selfcare and it isn't
14:59
selfish it's about being self full so
15:02
it's important to remember that this is
15:04
going to take you some time and some
15:06
practice to improve I hope that you find
15:08
this helpful I think that this is a
15:10
skill that most people really need to
15:13
learn and I think that uh if you
15:16
practice you will get better at it and
15:17
your relationships will improve as a
15:20
result thank you so much for tuning in I
15:22
appreciate your time I hope that you
15:24
found this helpful please share this uh
15:26
with someone else who might be
15:27
struggling with this concept and don't
15:29
forget to subscribe so that you can
15:31
check into future shows until we meet
15:34
again don't forget to lead with love
15:36
it'll never steer you WR
15:38
[Music]
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