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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, Kelly O’Horo unpacks the importance of expressing anger — not avoiding it. Learn why anger isn’t the enemy, how it shows up in the body, and what healthy expression really looks like. Don’t miss this powerful conversation on one of our most misunderstood emotions.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody, welcome to Adaptable Behavior
0:14
Explained. I'm Kelly O'Horo, your host.
0:17
I'm an EMDR therapist and I am super
0:19
passionate about helping people
0:21
understand why people behave the way
0:23
that they do, especially when behaviors
0:26
don't make sense and we can't understand
0:28
why are people acting the way they're
0:30
acting. Today we're going to talk about
0:32
a very important topic and that is the
0:34
emotion anger. It's often misunderstood
0:38
and a lot of people are pretty phobic of
0:40
the emotion anger. We're going to talk
0:42
about the biological and survival
0:45
functions of the emotion. And we're
0:47
going to discuss insights from my very
0:49
favorite influence on emotion and mental
0:52
health. And that's Miss Bnee Brown. And
0:54
her book, The Atlas of the Heart, is one
0:57
of my very favorite resources on
0:59
emotions. I highly recommend picking up
1:01
that book. Uh we're going to talk about
1:02
the stigma around anger and we're going
1:05
to look at Yak Pinkep's research on the
1:08
spectrum of anger and share practical
1:10
strategies for expressing anger in a
1:13
healthy way. So let's get into it. A lot
1:15
of people don't recognize that all
1:17
emotion is actually biological. It's
1:19
chemical. We don't get to choose our
1:21
emotions any more than we get to choose
1:23
our heartbeat, our blinking. Those
1:26
things happen autonomically. And so when
1:28
people say just stop being so mad or
1:30
just stop being so anxious. If only it
1:32
were that easy, I would be sorely out of
1:35
a job. So we're going to talk about the
1:37
basics. Again, all emotion is predicated
1:39
by a behavior uh or all um behavior
1:42
rather is predicated by an emotion and
1:44
the emotion starts first. Anger is no
1:47
different. It's a natural and necessary
1:50
emotion and it's evolved to help us
1:52
survive. When we perceive threat, our
1:55
body releases chemicals like adrenaline,
1:58
cortisol, and it prepares us to fight or
2:00
to flee. And this response can protect
2:03
us from danger. It motivates us to
2:05
address harmful situations, to stand up
2:08
for ourselves or others who are being
2:09
harmed. However, anger, it's not just
2:11
about survival. It can also be a signal
2:14
that something is wrong or unjust. And
2:16
it will prompt us to take actions and
2:18
advocate for ourselves and for others.
2:20
Right now, we're seeing a lot of uh
2:23
anger being expressed in things like the
2:25
protests that are going on all over the
2:27
country related to, you know, the ICE
2:30
raids and the immigration changes and
2:32
our current administration. And you're
2:34
seeing people impassioned and they're
2:35
standing up for them for uh for those
2:38
who can't stand up for themselves and
2:39
they're advocating and taking action um
2:42
to to uh express the injustice that they
2:45
perceive as going on. So, we really want
2:47
to not neglect anger. We want to allow
2:49
it to be the powerful emotional
2:51
motivator that it can be. So now we're
2:53
going to talk a little bit about Bnee
2:55
Brown and one of my, like I said, my
2:57
favorite book about emotion, and that's
2:59
Atlas of the Heart. Bnee talks about
3:01
anger as an emotion that we feel when uh
3:04
something gets in the way of a desired
3:06
outcome or when we perceive injustice.
3:09
She talks about and emphasizes that
3:11
anger is powerful. It's a catalyst for
3:14
change, but it has to be expressed
3:16
constructively. Uh, one of the things
3:18
that I tell my clients all the time is
3:20
that anger uh, that's above a three to a
3:23
five on a on a scale of 0 to 10 is
3:26
probably too big and it's probably yours
3:29
and it's probably old. But also, if it's
3:32
that big, our listener isn't going to
3:34
take it in. We're going to end up
3:35
creating a defense in our listener. Bnee
3:38
also discusses the importance of
3:39
recognizing naming our emotions. A lot
3:42
of us have a pretty poor emotional
3:44
vocabulary. And so if that's your
3:46
situation, let's start with just
3:48
watching the movie Inside Out. And um
3:51
there's two of those. So I have uh
3:53
episodes on those shows as well if
3:55
you're interested in that. But those are
3:58
such a great resource to learn about
4:00
emotion, the function of them, and how
4:02
they really do serve us. But
4:04
understanding what we're feeling first
4:07
and why helps us to respond in ways that
4:10
are aligned more with our values and our
4:12
goals with how we want to show up in
4:14
relationships. When people say, "I did
4:16
this or I did that. I acted a certain
4:17
way." The first question I ask is, "Are
4:20
you proud of the way you showed up for
4:21
yourself?" Or is that an area that we
4:23
need to look at exploring so that you
4:25
can make improvements so that you can be
4:27
more in alignment with your values
4:29
related to again how you want to engage
4:32
in relationships? And so let's talk
4:35
about anger specifically because there's
4:38
such a stigma around it. And oftentimes
4:41
that stems from our early experiences in
4:44
our life. Anger often carries a negative
4:46
stigma. People fear their own anger.
4:49
They fear being like somebody else that
4:51
was angry in their life because they've
4:53
seen it and they've seen it expressed in
4:55
scary or dangerous ways uh sometimes by
4:58
a parent or a caregiver or a coach. and
5:01
they worry that if they allow themselves
5:03
to feel angry, they'll become out of
5:05
control with their angry or they'll hurt
5:07
others or they'll somehow be like the
5:09
people that hurt them when they were
5:11
young. And so anger itself isn't a
5:13
problem. Really, what we have to look at
5:16
is how do we express it? When we
5:18
suppress our anger, it can lead to
5:21
really severe unintended physical health
5:23
consequences such as high blood
5:26
pressure, heart disease, digestive
5:28
issues, chronic pain, and oftentimes
5:31
weakened immune function. And so anger
5:33
left unchecked and unresolved is really
5:35
bad for our health. Um I I think that
5:39
it's really important to understand how
5:41
the body works. And if you're having
5:43
physical issues, you know, um you want
5:45
to look at with a doctor who's trauma
5:47
informed to figure out what parts of
5:49
your emotional history are contributing
5:51
to your physical illness. So, another
5:54
key player for me in the history of
5:57
emotions and how they function is Yak
5:59
Pinket. Um he's got a lot of really
6:02
beautiful research um on the spectrum of
6:04
anger. in fact all of the emotional
6:06
circuits that you know he's discovered
6:08
and his research on anger specifically
6:12
shows that anger can range from like
6:14
mild irritation or frustration um to
6:17
intense rage and when anger is too
6:19
intense it creates defensiveness in our
6:22
listener or in our audience and
6:24
ultimately if we're defensive we're not
6:26
taking anything in and it makes it
6:28
difficult to communicate effectively. So
6:30
when we discharge our anger in a healthy
6:33
way prior to addressing the person that
6:36
we need to address, it can draw
6:38
attention to things that are dangerous
6:40
or are harmful. It can be motivating for
6:43
us to set boundaries or advocate for
6:45
change or protect ourselves or others
6:48
like we talked about a minute ago from
6:50
those who are harmful or abusive or for
6:52
those who cannot protect themselves. And
6:54
so one of my favorite uh expressions of
6:57
anger that I like to share is from that
6:59
movie Inside Out. And this is where joy
7:02
and sadness are stuck on the outside of
7:04
the window when they come back to
7:06
headquarters. And uh disgust incites
7:10
anger and gets them ticked off and then
7:12
he blows his fire cap and she uses that
7:15
anger to cut a hole in the window which
7:17
then allows them to come inside and
7:19
saves them from falling down the side of
7:20
the window. And so that's a great
7:23
illustration of how anger can really
7:25
help u motivate and give us the right
7:28
amount of energy to solve a problem.
7:31
So what can we do with all of this? What
7:34
are we going to do moving forward with
7:36
our anger? First, it's important that we
7:39
recognize that anger is even what we're
7:41
feeling. Learn how to name it. Recognize
7:43
the signs and symptoms in your body that
7:45
say, "Hey, this is anger." By
7:47
understanding what we're feeling and
7:49
why, we can respond in ways that are
7:51
more aligned with our values and and our
7:53
goals about how we want to be and show
7:55
up in relationship.
7:57
Second, we can practice healthy ways to
7:59
express our anger like using eye
8:01
statements, setting boundaries, and
8:04
seeking support from people that we
8:06
trust. Uh, and if you don't have
8:08
anybody, you know, go ahead and get a
8:09
therapist. It's really important to have
8:11
an advocate in your corner. But next, we
8:13
want to reframe our relationship with
8:15
anger. Instead of seeing it as a
8:18
negative emotion, we can view it as a
8:19
signal or something on our dashboard of
8:22
self that says something needs to
8:23
change. Something's not okay here and I
8:26
need to address it. It's really
8:27
important not to be afraid of our anger.
8:30
Another way that I talk about this with
8:32
my clients is if we allow for a healthy
8:36
expression of our emotions and in this
8:38
episode we're talking about anger. We
8:40
are going to save ourselves from a lot
8:41
of issues. If you think about if we are
8:45
uh let's let's imagine we are a volcano
8:47
and we're a dormant volcano. We're not
8:49
one that's erupted very often. And you
8:51
think about inside of us is this molten
8:54
lava that's just kind of brewing. It's
8:56
not doing anything. And if we know that
8:59
eventually it's going to blow, wouldn't
9:01
it be wise for us to allow for the exit
9:04
of that molten lava in a way that's more
9:07
controlled, in a way that's beneficial?
9:10
And so I I um use the metaphor if we
9:13
were to poke holes in the side of that
9:14
volcano in a town and we could build,
9:17
you know, uh pathways for the lava to go
9:20
out away from the town so it didn't
9:22
destroy the town because it was planned
9:24
and it was discharged in a way that was
9:27
responsibly. We wouldn't have a
9:28
destruction of the town. Well, the same
9:30
thing happens with our anger. If we
9:32
don't allow it to come out in a healthy,
9:35
manageable way, it destroys
9:36
relationships. It destroys and erodess
9:38
trust and then we are harming and
9:41
causing trauma to the people that we
9:43
love. And so even though anger is really
9:46
important, we want to make sure we learn
9:48
how to change our relationship with
9:50
anger. Again, it's a natural and
9:53
necessary emotion. It's got biological
9:56
and survival functions. And it's really
9:59
important for us to understand how to
10:01
name our anger and recognize there's a
10:03
whole spectrum of anger from
10:04
irritability and frustration all the way
10:06
up to rage and um and so on and so
10:08
forth. And that the stigma around anger
10:11
often stems from our early experiences
10:14
uh where suppressing anger can have
10:16
unintended physical consequences. Um
10:18
remember that research shows we can
10:21
express anger in healthy ways and this
10:24
helps us to draw attention to
10:25
potentially harmful situations. And we
10:28
want to make sure that our anger is in a
10:31
low enough um expression uh category so
10:35
that our person hearing us can listen.
10:38
They don't throw up walls and defend
10:39
themselves. We want to be
10:41
self-responsive about our anger. We need
10:43
to set boundaries and we need to also
10:45
seek support if if we need to. So I want
10:48
you to think about if you've know
10:49
someone who struggles with anger or if
10:52
you yourself have an issue with anger.
10:56
What patterns in your life might have
10:58
roots in your family's past? Think about
11:01
those things and think about what you
11:03
can do to improve your relationship with
11:05
anger. So, if this episode resonated
11:08
with you, please subscribe or share it
11:10
with a friend or leave a review and let
11:14
us know if this is helpful or if you'd
11:16
like to hear more about this topic or or
11:18
others. And uh I appreciate you so much
11:21
for tuning in and digging into this hard
11:24
topic. And um I hope that you found it
11:26
helpful. So connect with me on social
11:28
media. My Instagram is Kelly O'Horo. And
11:31
I'd love to hear from you. So thank you
11:34
so much for tuning in. And until next
11:36
time, don't forget to lead with love.
11:38
It'll never steer you wrong.
11:40
[Music]
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