Up next in 10
Family secrets can change everything in an instant, but how do you move forward when the truth finally comes out? In this powerful session with therapist David Weber, we explore the emotional fallout of DNA surprises, paternity secrets, and the complex path toward healing.
Heather B and David Weber dive deep into the real-life stories of listeners facing life-altering family revelations. From finding out a biological father at age 50 to discovering a cousin is actually a brother, these stories highlight the heavy burden of long-held secrets. David provides expert insight into the difference between shame and guilt, the stages of grief that follow a betrayal, and the historical context of these dynamics within the community.
The conversation moves through the nuances of adoption, the pain of parental betrayal, and the legal complexities of paternity. David emphasizes the importance of grace, explaining how understanding the age and circumstances of our parents can help us find peace. He also offers a transformative perspective on forgiveness, describing it as a recurring process that protects your own well-being rather than just excusing someone else’s actions.
If you have ever felt like your family history was a mystery or struggled to forgive a deep hurt, this video offers the tools to start your healing journey.
Chapters
0:00 Family Secrets and DNA Test Surprises
4:15 Why Parents Keep Secrets and Finding Grace
8:30 The Five Stages of Grief After a Revelation
11:45 Adoption and the Question of Why
16:20 Processing Betrayal and the Residue of the Past
20:10 Vonda’s Call: DNA Matches and Family History
23:45 Demetrius’s Story: When a Cousin is a Brother
28:30 Understanding Shame versus Guilt
32:50 Conversation versus Confrontation
36:15 Bobby’s Case: Court-Ordered Paternity Secrets
Show More Show Less View Video Transcript
0:00
Man, oh man, it's Sherri. We got them
0:02
here.
0:03
Sway in the Morning, Shade 45, David
0:05
Webb comes through every single month
0:07
and helps us out with some issues. And I
0:09
found myself if it wasn't Mother's Day,
0:13
Dave, I would have called you.
0:15
>> [applause]
0:16
>> And I would have been like, "Yo, talk to
0:18
my friend." So, I called my friend
0:20
yesterday. She's a mom. I called her
0:22
yesterday
0:23
to say Happy Mother's Day. You know, I
0:25
realized a lot of people got to call
0:26
call her to say Happy Mother's Day. And
0:28
told her to give a shout-out to her
0:30
mother, too. Yeah. Like me and her have
0:32
been friends since college. Like So,
0:36
let's say 22. You know, we had our got
0:39
our first jobs together out of out of
0:41
college out of school. So, 22, we've
0:43
been So, we've been friends for a long
0:45
time. Give your mother a shout-out.
0:48
She got quiet.
0:50
What What happened? You good? Me and my
0:52
mom aren't speaking.
0:54
You and your mom are not speaking on
0:55
Mother's Day? What?
0:57
>> [laughter]
0:57
>> Like what kind of day?
0:59
Exactly, Tracy. Exactly, Torch. What
1:03
kind of day is this? So, she said, "You
1:05
got a minute?" Of course.
1:08
So, she found out
1:11
a month ago
1:13
that her father wasn't her biological
1:16
father. Oh, wait.
1:19
And she got mad at her mom.
1:23
She got mad at her mom.
1:25
>> [sighs]
1:26
[gasps]
1:27
>> It It It's tough, you know, I'm sure
1:30
>> And her mom knew.
1:31
Her mom knew.
1:32
>> Okay. Her mom knew, but
1:35
you know,
1:36
I I I said to her, I said, "You know, I
1:40
think
1:41
the older we get,
1:43
we begin to understand our parents
1:45
more."
1:45
>> True.
1:46
Cuz I can't imagine, you know, a woman
1:50
And in fact, Sway and I were just
1:51
talking about this the other day. I
1:53
can't imagine a woman by the time she's
1:55
25 having three children.
1:58
>> Mhm. Right. Right.
1:59
>> You know, and that's what they did back
2:00
in the day. You know, they they had kids
2:02
at a certain age. They got married much
2:04
younger. I said, "So, maybe your mom was
2:07
in that space and just couldn't No, no,
2:10
no, I deserve to know. She should have
2:13
told me." But, when would have been the
2:16
best time to tell you? Right. You know,
2:18
tell you at kindergarten? You tell you
2:20
at your your eighth grade graduation? At
2:22
your your prom? When is the best time to
2:25
have this conversation?
2:27
And so, she found out through um
2:30
What is it? 23andMe or one of those
2:32
those things? Yeah, she found out that
2:34
way because she was just doing Hey,
2:36
everybody's getting older. I want to do
2:38
the whole family tree thing thing, and
2:40
that's how she found out.
2:41
>> Mhm. Yeah. And now she's not speak Yes.
2:44
And now she's not speaking to her mom.
2:47
And so, she wants to go back now because
2:50
she did make contact. She wants to go
2:51
back now and do the trace. And she she
2:54
found a match with someone who has the
2:57
same percentage of blood, something to
2:59
that degree. I'm not totally familiar
3:02
with all of it. And I said to her, "You
3:04
should be careful because everyone may
3:07
not be as open as you are to now go back
3:11
and dig all of this up. You know, like
3:14
you know, you're 50 years old. They may
3:17
not feel the way you feel. You know,
3:20
this this man that now is your
3:22
biological dad,
3:24
he may not even want to have contact. He
3:26
may have gone on, you know, and have a
3:29
new life."
3:30
The other thing, too,
3:32
David Weber,
3:34
this is the school that I'm from. I'm
3:36
from the school that God
3:39
chooses who will bring you forth into
3:42
this world.
3:43
And God may also choose who raises you
3:46
up.
3:47
You know, and so maybe the person who
3:50
brought you here may not have been the
3:52
best person to raise you up in this
3:55
world either, you know? And my friend
3:57
has had a great life. Had a great life
4:00
thinking the whole time another man was
4:02
her father, you know? Um, I don't know
4:06
what to tell her. This is why I wish,
4:07
you know, I could I would have called
4:08
you yesterday. And no, it was Mother's
4:10
Day. I I I respect that. But it it the
4:14
the her voice and not to speak to your
4:16
mom not why you mad at your mother? And
4:19
then she tried to give me some reasons
4:21
and excuses, but I don't know if it was
4:23
necessarily
4:25
fair.
4:25
>> Yeah.
4:26
So,
4:28
couple things. One, um, I teach this
4:30
class during the week uh about
4:32
dialectics. And dialectics is the idea
4:34
that two opposing things
4:37
can be true at the same time, right?
4:40
>> And so, I understand why she feels the
4:44
way she feels. I understand it.
4:47
I also understand why her mother didn't
4:51
want to tell her. As you said, when is a
4:53
good time to tell you? Is it 5 years
4:55
old? Is it 10? Is it 20? You know, like
4:58
and if this other person has been your
5:00
father,
5:01
then
5:03
they've been your father, right? They've
5:04
been your father. And so, I I I and this
5:07
is not me trying to cop out of it. I I
5:09
do understand both perspectives.
5:10
However, I lean more towards what you're
5:13
saying because
5:15
as we do get older, I understand my
5:16
parents much more. Right? So, my father
5:19
at 25 or my father at 30. I'm 46 years
5:22
old. So, I can't imagine at 30 having
5:25
five kids or at 30 trying to, you know,
5:28
keep your kids off the streets or
5:29
whatever it may be, right? And so, um,
5:31
for that parent, um, they were a young
5:35
parent and they made decisions as a
5:37
young person and I probably would have
5:38
made those same decisions at that age.
5:40
You know, and so from that perspective,
5:43
um, I would tell her, you know, it's
5:46
the decisions that they made, they made
5:48
it at that age. Would they make that
5:50
decision at 50? Meaning if they had
5:53
children at that age, would they make
5:54
that same decision? Maybe not. But at
5:56
25, yeah, I probably would have made
5:58
that same decision. You know, um to not
6:01
tell you, right? And also, too,
6:03
um uh giving grace, too, right? Like the
6:06
Like is your mother a good woman? Of
6:07
course, she is. Does she love you? Of
6:09
course, she does. So, if she loves you
6:11
and she's a good woman, then obviously
6:13
she wasn't trying to hurt you. Yeah. You
6:14
know, she was trying to protect you. Um
6:16
and even though she may have done so in
6:18
a way that you didn't like, I think the
6:20
purpose of what she was doing was to
6:21
protect you. It's funny, too, because to
6:23
your point, now that we are older and
6:26
you start to know things about family
6:28
and family dynamics, even in your own
6:29
family, and you know, well, that's not
6:31
so-and-so's father. That's not
6:33
so-and-so's. You know that now within
6:35
your own circle of family. And guess
6:37
what you do, David? You mind your
6:39
business. You mind your business at 20,
6:42
at 30. You don't say anything because
6:45
when is a good time to tell your niece
6:47
or your nephew or your cousin, you know,
6:49
that's not your father, right? Right.
6:51
When you doing that at the picnic? At At
6:53
grandma's 60th birthday? When When are
6:55
you doing that? So, I think, and I hope,
6:58
because it's with love. This is a a dear
7:00
friend that I've known since 21. Yeah.
7:02
You know, how do you How do you navigate
7:04
through that? And it was the hurt and
7:07
and and the silence, you know, in her
7:08
voice that is just It was just tough,
7:11
but you know, she said she's going to
7:13
pursue that she wants to keep finding
7:15
out, and God bless her. But I told her,
7:17
you have to be open to how other people
7:20
respond to this. For sure. On that side
7:23
of the family, because now it's been,
7:25
you know, 50 years. You know, with with
7:28
no contact, and then you just going to
7:30
pick up the phone and make these cold
7:31
calls. That could be tough to deal with,
7:33
as well.
7:34
>> Yeah, for sure. They may not be
7:35
receptive to that at all. Um and if
7:38
you're okay with that, then definitely
7:39
pursue it if if that's what you feel
7:41
like you should do. But going back to
7:42
the mother piece, I I would keep going
7:44
back to this having grace. She did the
7:46
She did the best she could with the with
7:48
the knowledge and wisdom that she had at
7:50
the time, and under the same
7:51
circumstances, I probably would have
7:53
would have done the same thing. Yeah,
7:54
for sure. We got Trey on the line.
7:56
Listen, no matter what your question is,
7:58
you can call up and speak to David
7:59
Weber, and thank you for that live.
8:01
888-742-3345,
8:04
but we got Trey on the line um
8:07
calling in from Cleveland. Hey Trey, how
8:09
are you?
8:09
>> Hey Trey. Hey Trey.
8:10
>> Hey Heather. Hey. Um I love the I love
8:13
the show, number one.
8:14
Uh just to get to the point. So
8:16
So I'm I'm adopted, um and I have been I
8:21
I've known that I was adopted ever since
8:23
I was little. Um so it's a little bit of
8:26
a different situation, but I just wanted
8:27
to share
8:28
that it was something that even though
8:31
you know that you're adopted, you still
8:34
have a little bit of a hole because you
8:37
there's always that well, what if? Well,
8:39
why why? Why was I adopted? What
8:42
happened? Why did my mom decide to
8:45
to give me up? Or, you know, what was
8:48
going on with her that she may have to
8:51
make the decision
8:53
of not caring for me
8:56
um in the manner in which, you know, a
8:58
parent would typically care you know,
9:00
for a child. So I just wanted to really
9:03
share that with you, Heather, from just
9:05
a different a different perspective. Um
9:08
there's always that question.
9:11
As to who
9:12
>> am I connected? Who am I connected with?
9:15
Right. Now Trey, while we have David
9:17
Weber here,
9:19
Dave, do you think it's a little bit
9:20
different with being adopted because
9:22
Trey was told very early. And I think
9:25
maybe some of the um
9:27
that feeling that my friend has is
9:29
different when you know early because
9:31
you were adopted and so that you go
9:33
through that whole process and they let
9:35
you know.
9:36
My friend felt duped, I feel like and
9:39
tricked and that was the hurt that was
9:41
coming out and particularly from her
9:43
mom. You know what I mean? Like my
9:45
mother should have told me. My mother
9:47
should have told me. That's all she kept
9:48
saying. And so it is different there
9:51
than adoption, would you think?
9:53
>> I think so. And also for your friend,
9:55
she's going to be experiencing grief
9:56
just like we talked about this on the
9:57
show many times that grief isn't just
9:59
when someone dies. Grief is also when we
10:02
get older and I and I used to be able to
10:03
run and now I can't run or grief is when
10:05
I move cities and even though I love my
10:07
old city, I'm in a new city and so I
10:09
grieve that sometimes. And grief is also
10:11
when you learn that somebody that you
10:13
thought was your biological father ends
10:16
up not being your biological father. So
10:18
in terms of the the stages of grief,
10:20
they go through the same thing. So the
10:21
first um stage being denial. Like, what?
10:24
You know what I mean? The second stage
10:25
being anger. You're you're mad. The
10:27
third stage being bargaining. You're
10:29
trying to figure out a way to make it
10:30
not true. Like, hold on. How can I, you
10:32
know, bring this back to to equilibrium?
10:35
And then the the fourth stage is
10:36
depression, right? And so the last stage
10:38
is acceptance. And so your friend is
10:40
going to go through those stages, right?
10:42
Um denial, anger, bargaining, depression
10:45
and then finally at some point
10:47
acceptance. So it's a little bit
10:48
different, especially when you find out
10:50
at this age. Yeah, I'm going to be in
10:51
denial at first and I'm going to be
10:52
really angry. Mhm. How do you reckon
10:54
with um betrayal?
10:57
Cuz I think that's also a part of what
10:59
Heather's friend is feeling where you
11:03
looked at something as a truth for your
11:05
entire life and of course when it comes
11:07
to the matriarch of a home and you're
11:10
looking at the protection of well-being,
11:14
you know, this is someone that you're
11:15
learning from that things are being
11:17
shaped. So I feel like the presence of
11:20
betrayal could arrive. Yeah.
11:23
Yeah, for sure. I think it's reminding
11:24
yourself of the other truths.
11:28
Right? Like like yes, that is part of
11:30
the truth that she kept that away from
11:32
her, but the other truth is she
11:34
protected you when you were a child, she
11:36
fed you, she clothed you, kept a roof
11:37
over your head, she loved you, she
11:40
honors you, she would do anything in the
11:41
world for you, and so those are truths
11:44
as well. And so yes, in this one area,
11:46
maybe the person you know, you may feel
11:48
like the person betrays you, but
11:49
overall, the person love you.
11:51
>> Oh, thank you Trey for your call. You're
11:52
a citizen. I swear to Oh, go ahead. No,
11:54
no, no, finish your point. Finish your
11:55
point. Finish your point. That's what I
11:56
was
11:56
>> only going to say yeah, I was only going
11:58
to say that's where the overlap is. So
12:00
even though I was I knew that I was
12:03
adopted, I still a lot of that for the
12:06
woman who I never met that was my birth
12:09
mom. The whole why the whole why did why
12:11
did she make that decision? She betrayed
12:14
me by not going through whatever it was
12:17
that a parent does to raise me because
12:20
my adopted mom did have to do all of
12:23
that. And so um I appreciate I
12:26
appreciate him being on and just
12:27
articulating that because that is where
12:29
that similarity piece is. Thank you.
12:32
>> Oh, thank you Trey for your call. You're
12:33
a citizen. Do you know what's so funny
12:35
and I was having a conversation with a
12:36
male friend of mine, Dave, about this.
12:39
I've I've
12:40
I've come across a lot of men in my
12:42
life, you know, friends, you know,
12:45
co-workers, relatives,
12:47
who they have this common thread where I
12:51
hear some form of betrayal from their
12:53
mothers. Whether their mother put them
12:55
out at a certain age, their mother chose
12:58
a man over them, their mother told them
13:00
they was going to do something and
13:02
didn't do it, and because they never
13:05
forgave or accepted that betrayal, it
13:08
affects their relationships
13:09
>> Oh, yeah. moving forward. Like they
13:11
can't trust women. I'm going to get you
13:13
before you get me. And and it is the
13:16
betrayal that I think a lot of people
13:18
never get past or what they feel is
13:20
betrayal that they never get past. And
13:22
so there's this fight that's always
13:25
going on between
13:27
maybe women outside of their mother or
13:30
but at the same time you're looking for
13:31
someone that's like your mom. It's just
13:33
a weird thing and I think we have to
13:35
navigate through that sometimes as women
13:37
dealing with that when you find out ah
13:39
Oh, his mama said he had to go at 17,
13:42
put him out and now, you know, I'm
13:44
dealing with the residue of that. But we
13:46
got Vonda on the line, North Carolina.
13:48
Hey Vonda, how are you?
13:50
>> Hey Vonda.
13:50
>> Vonda.
13:52
I met you one
13:53
>> [laughter]
13:55
>> Why you laughing Vonda? What you
13:56
laughing about? What happened?
13:58
Because I met you Heather years ago.
14:02
Because I'm sorry, what you say?
14:05
I met you years ago Heather.
14:08
Where did you meet me?
14:10
In South Carolina.
14:13
It was in the I want to say the 90s.
14:17
You all did a show in the 90s.
14:20
>> [laughter]
14:21
>> You all did a show in the 90s. Uh this
14:24
and that was in the
14:27
Oh wow, that yeah you man listen Vonda,
14:30
we we going back. I'm like okay and
14:33
listen, all right let we here now. We
14:35
going to move forward. [laughter]
14:38
I WAS A PART
14:40
YEAH I WAS A PART I WAS A part taker in
14:42
the 90s if you know what I mean. My
14:43
memory is a little joggy, little foggy
14:45
for back then Vonda, but we here today.
14:48
Yeah, we had a party and your phone is
14:50
breaking up just a little bit Vonda, so
14:52
if you could get to a
14:53
a place of settlement so David Weber can
14:56
hear what you have to say. Uh jump in
14:58
though.
15:00
Okay, so what I was saying was um
15:03
I think that sometimes it it would be
15:06
kind of better to tell
15:07
once they you know, once you see that
15:09
they're mature
15:10
and they're you know, they can handle it
15:12
because um my son he's uh 25. So his
15:17
father is in his 50s. So his father
15:21
always, you know, thought never knew who
15:23
his real father was. He always thought
15:25
that his dad was a, you know, his
15:26
mother's husband at the time. His mother
15:29
passed about a few years ago. My son did
15:32
the, I think it's the, it's like a DNA
15:34
thing where you do it online. So, once
15:36
he did that, a match came up.
15:39
And when the match came up, my son dug a
15:41
little bit deeper, found out that, you
15:44
know, he spoke with the guy, and the guy
15:46
who he knows now as his grandfather,
15:49
he spoke with him, and he sent my son a
15:51
picture of his dad when his dad was
15:53
small.
15:55
Wow. How does your son feel now? How is
15:58
he doing now that he has this
16:00
information?
16:01
Well, now that he knows that this is his
16:03
grandfather, he
16:05
he tried to speak with his dad and let
16:07
his dad know. So, sometimes when, you
16:09
know, we get a little older, we don't
16:11
know too much about the new generation
16:13
and what's going on, and we kind of feel
16:16
stubborn.
16:17
So, that's how his dad did it. He didn't
16:19
know how to get on there and do
16:20
anything. Instead of asking, he just
16:22
kind of said, "I don't I don't believe I
16:23
don't believe that." Until he met the
16:25
guy, and it was just like, you know, he
16:26
met him, and it was just like looking in
16:28
the mirror.
16:30
Yeah. Wow, man.
16:32
Vonda, yeah, man. Keep us posted with
16:34
that, and of course, if your son
16:36
whatever need
16:37
some kind of help or guidance through
16:39
this, David Weber is available at David
16:41
Weber LPC. Your son could surely reach
16:44
out. Thank you, Vonda, and I hope we
16:45
have opportunity to see each other again
16:48
really soon. And then take a
16:50
a then-and-now pic so we could throw it
16:52
back a little bit. You a citizen, Vonda.
16:53
[laughter] Good morning. We got
16:56
Demetrius on the line calling in from
16:58
here in LA or Louisiana, Demetrius. What
17:01
up, D?
17:01
>> Hey, D. Hey, Demetrius.
17:05
How you doing?
17:06
>> Las Vegas? Long time listener, first
17:07
time caller.
17:09
Hey, we got a first-time caller here at
17:10
Torchy Torch. Talk to us, Demetrius. And
17:13
again, you guys can call up about
17:15
anything, but this seems to be a topic
17:17
that resonates with a lot of people,
17:20
David Weber. Uh talk to us, D.
17:23
Okay. Well, you know, I just recently
17:25
had to go back to Atlanta. I had a My
17:28
aunt passed.
17:29
And Sorry to hear that.
17:31
>> all of them. But thank you.
17:34
Um
17:35
But during this excursion
17:37
I found out that
17:39
on my father's side
17:42
well my cousin
17:46
that I've known my entire life. I'm 61
17:49
years old.
17:50
I just found out that he's not my
17:51
cousin. He's actually my brother.
17:54
Oh, wow.
17:56
Wow, wow, wow.
17:57
>> Wait.
17:58
Did he know that?
17:59
>> Yeah.
18:01
Okay. Your cousin is your brother
18:04
because your father or your mother slept
18:06
with siblings? How does that work? My
18:10
My father, apparently, rest his soul.
18:14
Apparently, he slept with
18:16
his niece
18:18
when they were both like 16 or 17.
18:25
And my aunt, his sister
18:27
decided, well
18:29
we can't have you guys ruin your lives
18:31
like this. So, we're going to I'm going
18:33
to raise him as my own.
18:35
And my cousin
18:37
she was told, yes, this is your brother
18:40
now.
18:43
And
18:44
like I said, it's been 60 61 years and I
18:48
just found out about this literally 3
18:51
weeks ago.
18:53
Okay, I'm going to pass this on to
18:55
someone who's
18:56
David Weber is going to have to
18:58
jump in here, see. Yeah, and and listen,
19:01
I don't know what you're going through,
19:03
but just sending love to you. And then
19:05
cuz that has to be that moment that you
19:07
you spoke about, David Weber, when the
19:09
stages of it and you're like denial.
19:11
Like this can't be true.
19:13
>> Yeah.
19:13
So, this is going to be important for
19:16
everyone listening cuz I think we all
19:17
deal with this in in different ways. So,
19:20
I want to make a distinction. I'm going
19:21
to talk about shame, but I want to make
19:23
a distinction between shame and guilt.
19:26
This all comes from Brené Brown if
19:28
you're familiar with her. And so, guilt
19:30
is I did something bad.
19:33
Shame is I am bad, okay? I
19:37
[clears throat] am bad. Guilt, you
19:38
should feel guilty if you steal
19:39
something.
19:41
You shouldn't feel necessarily shame
19:43
that I am a bad person
19:45
because I stole something, okay? I'm
19:46
going somewhere with this.
19:48
And so, shame requires, according to
19:51
Brené Brown, secrecy, silence, and
19:53
judgment.
19:54
And
19:55
those three things are always present
19:58
when shame is present. Secrecy, silence,
20:01
and judgment.
20:02
And so, when you're talking about shame,
20:05
I mean, think about the situation he
20:06
just described. How would you not have
20:09
shame in that situation? And I'm 15, 16
20:11
years old, me and my cousin, we do
20:13
whatever, whatever. Now there's a child
20:14
that comes out of that. It's going to be
20:16
a lot of shame. Family shame. Have you
20:17
ever noticed families don't talk about a
20:19
lot of stuff? Yeah. Right? If you listen
20:20
to this show right now, you there's so
20:22
many secrets your family doesn't talk
20:23
about. There's a lot of things also that
20:26
everyone in the family knows that just
20:28
get swept under the rug. No one talks
20:30
about Uncle Pete. Everybody know what
20:32
Uncle Pete do, but no one talks about
20:34
what Uncle Pete do. And so, it gets
20:35
swept under the rug. And so, and so,
20:37
whether it's a situation like the caller
20:39
just described or whether it's in our
20:41
own lives, we all deal with some element
20:43
of shame. And so, again, if I'm 25 years
20:45
old or if I'm 16 years old and I have a
20:47
kid or if I found out the kid isn't
20:49
mine, I thought the kid was mine or if I
20:51
thought you were the father, but you're
20:53
not the father,
20:54
this is all shame showing up. And so, it
20:57
gets more powerful when there's secrecy.
21:00
It gets more powerful when there's
21:01
silence. It gets more powerful with
21:04
judgment. And so, then we don't talk
21:06
about it even more and it's becomes a
21:08
family secret.
21:09
And so I'm sure there's other people who
21:10
knew as you just described and no one
21:13
said anything because there was too much
21:14
shame.
21:15
Demetrius, do you and your your now
21:17
brother Go ahead. Go ahead, Demetrius.
21:20
That's my dilemma right now because
21:23
the you know like I said my dad passed a
21:25
long time ago.
21:27
But
21:28
my uncles and aunts and you know they
21:31
would
21:33
How do I confront them? How as I I feel
21:36
I need to.
21:38
You know cuz this is a It isn't
21:40
ugly Yeah, shameful secret.
21:43
Yeah.
21:44
And do you feel you need to confront
21:46
them? Is it something you feel like you
21:47
need to do, have to do?
21:49
Want to do? I
21:51
I don't know.
21:52
Yes, I I feel the need but if I also you
21:55
know
21:56
let sleeping dogs lie.
21:59
You know you know all of these people
22:00
they're in their 80s and 90s. You know,
22:03
do I want to
22:05
do I want to
22:06
make them relive this?
22:08
You know, for my own satisfaction but I
22:11
deserve satisfaction I I feel.
22:14
You have you have some questions that
22:16
you want to answer.
22:17
Maybe some accountability as well.
22:19
Why the hell they lied to me all this
22:20
time?
22:22
I know why.
22:24
But I mean
22:26
they would have if
22:28
if the if if my mom hadn't told me
22:32
I would have never known and I was mad
22:33
at her for holding it for holding it for
22:35
all of this time.
22:36
Yeah, she was like I thought you knew.
22:39
I I would I would encourage you to do
22:41
this. And I I've said this many times in
22:43
the show and I want to make the
22:44
distinction between the two.
22:46
Between confrontation and conversation.
22:48
They're not the same thing.
22:50
If I'm confronting someone, the energy
22:53
is completely different. My listening
22:55
ears are off. I'm not open to what they
22:58
have to say because I'm confronting you.
22:59
I feel you did me wrong. Conversation is
23:02
I come into the into the conversation
23:05
with an open mind and open heart about
23:07
what you have to say. I can it's more
23:10
easy for me to receive what you have to
23:12
say if I'm approaching it with
23:15
conversation in mind. So, I would
23:17
encourage you if if you want to have
23:18
that conversation, fantastic. If you
23:20
have answers that you need, nothing
23:22
wrong with that at all. I would just
23:23
encourage you to go in with the mindset
23:26
of conversation, not confrontation.
23:31
All right. I get that.
23:33
Demetrius, did you and your brother
23:35
have an opportunity to talk yet?
23:39
Um
23:40
no, I'm not even sure I'm not sure that
23:42
he knows cuz he's actually he's from
23:44
he's from New York. He's from he he he
23:46
he lives in New York.
23:48
And you know,
23:50
we've been you know, I moved out west
23:54
in the '80s. So, you know, we're we're
23:56
kind of estranged. We we link up when
23:58
you know, we have family gatherings. And
24:01
yeah, like what's up, cuz? You know, we
24:03
Yeah.
24:05
Here's the thing now.
24:08
Yeah, here's the thing now with all of
24:09
this 23andMe and ancestry.com,
24:12
you never know when somebody's going to
24:14
wake up and decide, you know, I want to
24:16
do this. And then when you get these
24:18
results back, it don't it don't make
24:21
sense. So, you're going to go and start
24:23
having conversations possibly anyway,
24:26
you know, and and and again I love what
24:28
you said about conversation versus
24:30
confrontation. It does it makes a world
24:32
of difference. Man, Demetrius, we send
24:34
you so much love, bro, and
24:36
hopefully things work out, you know, and
24:38
and and and
24:40
and you decide peace. You choose peace.
24:42
Whatever's most peaceful for your spirit
24:44
and your mind and your soul, you know,
24:46
we hope you move in that direction. So,
24:48
thank you for calling us and stay in
24:49
touch with Dave, man. It's
24:51
davidwebber_lpc
24:53
on the gram. We got a a call from
24:57
Wow, we got so many callers, but Bobby,
24:59
I'm going to take your call
25:01
because you're dealing with a
25:02
court-ordered situation. Kalani wrote,
25:05
"Talk to us. Good morning."
25:07
Good morning.
25:09
Hey. Um yeah, how you doing?
25:12
Um my question is so
25:15
I'm I'm actually court-ordered not to
25:18
say anything to
25:19
my child that he's not biologically
25:22
mine.
25:23
Um I found out when he was 12
25:25
and um
25:27
since then me and his mother have gone
25:30
to court
25:31
and um because I signed the you know
25:34
because I signed for him when he was
25:35
born cuz at the time I thought he was
25:37
mine and I never questioned it until um
25:41
I actually found out that we me and his
25:44
mom had broken up because she I I I
25:47
found her at the hospital giving birth
25:49
to somebody some other somebody else's
25:51
kid that I didn't know anything about.
25:53
So um when that happened, I said, "You
25:56
know, before she takes me for child
25:58
support for cuz I have three children
26:01
with her, I wanted to get all all three
26:03
of my kids just DNA tested just to find
26:06
out." And uh it came back that my oldest
26:10
is uh is not mine biologically.
26:13
But because I signed the paperwork
26:15
because I signed the paperwork when uh
26:18
you know he was born because I did think
26:20
he was mine back then.
26:22
Uh the court is ordered me not to say
26:24
anything to him, but I don't feel that
26:25
that's right because you know if it were
26:28
me, I'd want to know if the guy that I'm
26:30
hanging out with was or wasn't my
26:32
father.
26:33
And uh also you know
26:36
you know medically like you know
26:39
if something was to was to be wrong with
26:41
him like what's you know is is it
26:43
hereditary? Who knows because you know
26:45
just cuz
26:47
he has it doesn't mean that it
26:49
it ran in my family. So I'm just a
26:51
little concerned on you know, I I feel
26:53
like he should know,
26:55
but the court sees differently. I just
26:58
don't know how to
26:59
move on with it, you know, I don't know
27:00
how to
27:02
Yeah. I've I've never I've never heard
27:04
of a situation that you're describing
27:06
where the court orders that. So, this is
27:08
uh that's new information uh for me uh
27:11
that where the court can
27:12
cannot tell your child um Yeah, I was
27:15
court-ordered not to discuss paternity
27:17
with him. So, I'm not allowed to tell
27:19
him that he's biologically not my child.
27:23
And I mean, I love him. Don't get me
27:24
wrong.
27:26
Um yeah, I mean, I could always put a
27:28
petition in, but
27:30
I I don't I don't, you know, the way the
27:33
way it was explained to me um through
27:35
the um the child's law guardian was that
27:38
you know, um they don't because I signed
27:41
for him,
27:42
the court doesn't want to leave him
27:43
fatherless.
27:45
So, that's why,
27:47
you know, obviously, I'm still
27:48
responsible
27:49
to pay, which is fine, but you know,
27:53
I I don't mind paying for for him
27:55
uh the child support, but I do feel like
27:58
he should know.
27:59
Um I just I don't know how to
28:02
Can I Can I Can I say this first? Let me
28:05
Let me say this. First off, um it sounds
28:08
like you you were you were and are a
28:10
great father and were there for your
28:12
child.
28:13
>> Yeah. And and the only the only father
28:16
that your child knows. And so, whether
28:18
it's biological or not, you are indeed
28:20
his father. Right? And
28:22
>> believe that. I believe I feel like that
28:24
in my heart, you know, yes, sir. I feel
28:27
I feel that way.
28:28
Yes. Yes. You are You are his father. Um
28:31
and so,
28:33
the best thing right now, I think,
28:35
um I don't want to simplify this, but
28:37
it's to continue loving him the way
28:39
you've been loving him.
28:40
Continue showing up for him the way
28:42
you've been showing up for him. That
28:44
that is more important right now than
28:46
him knowing the details of paternity,
28:49
right? Like that's what's important. You
28:51
showing up, you being a great father,
28:53
you being a great man, you being
28:55
consistent, you loving him. That's what
28:58
matters the most. The other things will
28:59
those things will work themselves out
29:00
and I'm sure we have some citizens out
29:02
there who are attorneys and know way
29:04
more about this that than I do who can
29:06
who can who can probably help you with
29:08
that piece of it. But in terms of of of
29:10
being a father, being a good man, uh
29:13
being a good uh
29:14
uh modeling what it is to be a man and
29:17
take care of your responsibilities even
29:19
when they're not necessarily your
29:20
responsibilities. Cuz that's part of
29:22
life. Cuz sometimes we have to do things
29:25
that we don't have to do, but we still
29:28
have to do if that makes any sense. And
29:29
you're in a position right now where you
29:31
can show up for him and show him what
29:33
it's like to be a real man. How how long
29:36
is the court order, Bobby, if you don't
29:38
mind me asking? How long is the court
29:39
order?
29:40
Uh I mean I I don't know. I I I I guess
29:44
it's until he's I'm not paying for him
29:46
anymore. I guess that would be the
29:48
end of the court order. I don't really
29:50
know how that works as legally.
29:52
>> old is And how old is he now?
29:55
He's 15. I found out when he was 12, so
29:57
for the last 3 years or yeah, 3 years I
30:00
haven't been able to
30:02
say anything to him about it and uh
30:05
you know, like I said, I I love him to
30:07
death. I he he's
30:08
To me he is my kid because I've been
30:11
raising him since he was born, but I
30:13
just feel like he should know only
30:15
because later on in life is once he
30:18
finds out about it, I don't want him to
30:20
be hating on me because I didn't tell
30:22
him, you know what I mean?
30:23
>> tell him though. There was a court
30:24
order, son. I I
30:25
I wanted to tell you. I couldn't tell
30:27
you.
30:28
Um and you know, but I never treated you
30:30
any differently. I always showed up for
30:32
you. And actually, you don't even have
30:33
to say that piece. He'll see that. He'll
30:35
know that. Yeah. Yeah.
30:36
>> anyway. Yeah, and I don't know
30:39
I think in this case, too, Bobby, I'm
30:41
again, I'm not an attorney, but
30:44
who does this benefit at this point?
30:46
Does Does this benefit at 15, 16 years
30:49
old, mentally, can you handle this? So,
30:52
you get up and go to school the next
30:54
day,
30:54
>> Yep. and your whole world has been
30:56
turned upside down.
30:57
>> Mhm. You know, like, can you handle
30:59
something like this at 15, 16 years old?
31:02
I don't know if it benefits him right
31:04
now, you
31:05
>> I was thinking that. It That That could
31:07
be something that you think about about
31:09
his mental health, his mental
31:11
well-being. You know, how he now
31:12
socializes, like like our last caller
31:15
said, Demetrius. Now, he's looking at
31:17
the whole family. Like, y'all are a
31:19
bunch of liars. Y'all knew all of this,
31:21
and now you open up this can and this
31:23
and this box that you you weren't even
31:26
Never mind, he can't deal with it. Now,
31:27
you, Bobby, you're not prepared to deal
31:30
with it. And then, I know you're feeling
31:31
the weight of I don't want to walk
31:33
around feeling like a liar, but I think
31:36
the court order, possibly in this case,
31:38
may protect you. And you don't want to
31:40
get in any kind of legal trouble as
31:42
well,
31:42
>> Correct. you know? It may protect you
31:44
until he's of age where you could have
31:46
this conversation. But, Mike Muse, I
31:48
know that you wanted to jump in. I'm not
31:50
sure if it's pertaining to Bobby, but in
31:52
particular, you wanted to chime in on
31:54
this topic while we have Bobby here.
31:56
I did. But, to Bobby, I I love where
31:58
we're going in the sense of protecting
32:00
the kids' mental health, being able to
32:01
accept it. And I was just thinking that,
32:03
you know, is he would probably be good
32:05
to do it after 18 where the kid doesn't
32:06
feel like there's a financial dynamic
32:08
that you could be possibly getting out
32:10
of um, to replace the love. But, you
32:12
know, Dave, I just had a a question I
32:14
had for you was more had to be related
32:16
to the previous caller, Demetrius. And
32:17
while he was talking, it made me think
32:19
about that scene in The Color Purple,
32:21
the original one, um, where Celie's
32:24
father's widower, uh, came up to her,
32:28
um, at the end and said, um, told her a
32:30
story about the incest that happened
32:32
inside the family and the sexual
32:33
assault. Um, and then, Celie, Whoopi
32:36
Goldberg's character, said, "So, you
32:38
mean to tell me Paul ain't Paul?" And so
32:40
this is something that has been going on
32:42
for so long. And David, I'm wondering if
32:45
you can speak to the historical dynamic
32:46
and context of it.
32:49
I feel like this is a moment where
32:51
therapy
32:53
intersects with cultural anthropology
32:56
and history, and particularly within the
32:58
black community, this dynamic. Can you
33:00
speak to it historical dynamic, the
33:02
cultural anthropological dynamic of the
33:05
black culture and community in terms of
33:07
how we all in our families where the
33:09
cousin is the brother, the cousin is the
33:10
sister, the sister is actually the
33:11
mother, right? There's just something
33:13
about that time period
33:15
where this dynamic had happened. If you
33:19
could speak to that if possible. I know
33:20
it's outside of traditional therapy, but
33:23
>> Yeah. Well, I mean, you can you can take
33:24
this conversation back back to slavery,
33:27
right? Where
33:28
you you unfortunately they bred human
33:31
beings, bred bred sisters, bred cousins,
33:35
bred
33:36
you know, the father with his daughter
33:38
to create
33:40
for lack of a better word, the you know,
33:42
some sort of
33:44
superhuman, right? And so you would take
33:45
the tallest
33:47
sibling with female sibling with the
33:49
tallest male sibling and they would have
33:51
a child. And so there's been a lot of
33:52
sort of historical secrets that we've
33:54
had even going back to I'm thinking
33:56
about
33:58
the 30s and the 40s
34:01
when you have these
34:03
families who are
34:05
whether it's in Mississippi or Alabama
34:07
or Louisiana. I'm thinking of some
34:09
personal things right now.
34:11
Where you don't know who's your cousin.
34:13
You don't you don't know who your who's
34:14
your father, your biological father.
34:18
And
34:19
and also the from a historical record
34:21
standpoint,
34:22
you know, whether it's again going back
34:24
to slavery where our names were changed.
34:26
And so you don't you don't know this
34:27
cousin was actually your
34:30
first Sorry, this cousin was actually
34:31
your sister and this
34:33
grandfather was actually your father.
34:35
So, this has been happening for a long
34:36
time. I think, again, going back to the
34:38
shame piece, especially now, is we're
34:41
dealing with so much shameless as a
34:42
society, but also within the black
34:44
community.
34:45
Everything that's happening in the court
34:46
system and everything else, right right
34:48
right now.
34:49
We're dealing with a lot of shame, and
34:51
so we don't have these conversations.
34:53
And because we don't have these
34:53
conversations, we keep the secrets. And
34:56
because we keep secrets, there's more
34:57
shame that that's developed. And so,
34:59
essentially, I'm not I'm not advocating
35:01
that we should be having these
35:02
conversations every day within our
35:03
families. I'm not saying that, cuz like
35:05
you said, Heather, a lot of things could
35:06
be shaken up we don't necessarily want
35:07
shaken up.
35:08
>> Mhm. But I what I am saying is that
35:12
I don't think it's a bad thing
35:14
to
35:16
if you're in the position to have a
35:18
conversation with your children about
35:20
some things you know would be helpful
35:22
for them to understand. Okay? So, for
35:24
example, my great great grandfather, I
35:27
don't know any much about him because he
35:29
didn't tell much about him.
35:31
>> Mhm. You get what I'm trying to say?
35:33
Even my grandfather, and I love my
35:34
grandfather to death. He died back in
35:36
'94, but he didn't tell my mother a lot
35:38
of information about him. So, there's
35:39
just things I didn't know that she can't
35:41
tell me, right? And so, in terms of, you
35:43
know, who's my second cousin or who's my
35:45
third cousin? I don't know. Yeah.
35:47
>> And and so,
35:49
um you know, I I I think we we have to
35:50
have a greater conversation about shame
35:52
and how how it plays in our community,
35:53
especially. Bobby, we hope that um this
35:56
works out for you uh for sure because
35:58
this is a lot to handle. I'm showing
36:00
your part, but you love your son. And
36:03
and you know, think about him as well.
36:05
At 15, 16, he's a teenager, you know?
36:08
I'm sure he's going to school and video
36:10
games and maybe playing sports.
36:13
>> Yeah, listening to music and have and
36:15
and it this could be a heavy bag to drop
36:18
on him. And I like what Mike said, you
36:19
know, maybe when he's older or 21 or at
36:23
a place or 18 at a place where it's not
36:25
about the finances and he would maybe
36:27
when he's just emotionally mature enough
36:29
to handle something like this.
36:31
Um,
36:32
you know, maybe you guys could have a
36:33
conversation then, but please keep us
36:35
posted Bobby. And then again, stay in
36:37
touch with David Weber. He's at
36:39
DavidWeber_LPC.
36:41
Kristen,
36:43
you've been waiting a long time and I
36:45
wanted to get to you because
36:47
um, of you thank you for your patience
36:49
and I'm just trying to go on order here
36:50
with these calls. But uh, how are you in
36:52
Louisiana right now? What's your
36:53
question for David Weber?
36:55
Hey Bo.
36:56
>> I'm all right. I'm I'm doing good. Can
36:58
you hear me okay?
36:59
Loud and clear. You're coming through.
37:01
Yes, ma'am. Um, my question is and I've
37:04
been sitting here trying to figure out,
37:06
you know, how to start it with
37:06
everything listening everybody talk
37:08
about their situations, but um,
37:10
when I was uh,
37:11
my birthday was um, just this month on
37:14
the 22nd in April, I mean. But uh, my
37:17
sister reached out. Oh, thank you. Thank
37:19
you. My sister reached out to me on
37:22
Facebook.
37:23
I haven't seen her since uh, literally
37:25
the year of 2000.
37:27
And uh, she reached out to me and she
37:29
was like, "Happy birthday little sis. I
37:30
love you." whatever blah blah blah.
37:32
And but the the question that I want to
37:34
bring up to the topic is
37:36
um, a little background is that uh, she
37:39
had me move uh, in with her when I was
37:42
18. She's a little bit older than me.
37:44
But we moved out of town and I I had a
37:46
situation with someone and I got
37:48
pregnant, did not know I was pregnant
37:49
and suffered a very tragic miscarriage
37:52
and all that.
37:53
But after the effects of the of the
37:56
during that time that the miscarriage
37:57
literally was happening, she
38:00
didn't take me anywhere to the doctors,
38:02
didn't call 911 type stuff, didn't call
38:04
my mom or anything like that. She didn't
38:06
check on me. I didn't have Tylenol even
38:09
stuff, you know, very very very
38:11
cold-hearted towards me and I didn't
38:12
even know that I was expecting or
38:14
anything, you know. So um, but
38:17
>> [clears throat]
38:18
>> she
38:19
when it was then when that that was over
38:22
and done with, she turned out all the
38:24
lights or she turned off all the
38:25
electricity to the house, turned off the
38:27
water, moved out, took all her, you
38:30
know, furniture with her and stuff like
38:31
that, left me there. And I was abandoned
38:35
with absolutely, you know, basically
38:37
nothing.
38:38
And
38:40
but she keeps she reaches out to me
38:41
sometimes on my birthday. We spoke a few
38:43
times and
38:45
recently in the past couple of years.
38:48
Um but it was more like me trying to
38:52
befriend her again and try to put it
38:53
behind me and all that kind of stuff,
38:55
but see when I
38:57
I can't face her knowing how she did me.
39:00
And I guess
39:02
uh
39:03
the situation is is how would how do you
39:06
Is it okay? Is it Is it just okay to
39:09
just say I'm not going to forgive you?
39:12
Because it's not
39:14
I mean I know that probably sounds very
39:16
cold-hearted and everything like that,
39:18
but I can't I can't really find it in my
39:20
heart to
39:22
to forgive her. I don't and I don't
39:23
think she's ever like said to anyone
39:25
maybe she'll forgive me cuz I don't even
39:27
know
39:28
if it resonates with her how much she
39:30
affected me.
39:32
And I don't I don't I don't know if you
39:34
can even bring that up to topic or not,
39:36
but
39:37
Mhm.
39:38
Yeah, if you don't mind me saying
39:40
>> moment.
39:41
You bring up a good point. I think I
39:43
think when it comes forgiveness is uh
39:47
is not simple. It's not easy.
39:49
And I think you forgive when you're
39:52
ready to forgive.
39:53
I think forgiveness is one of those
39:55
things where we can talk about it when
39:57
it's not related to us, right? When it's
39:58
someone else, we can say, "Oh, you
40:00
should forgive that person." That's easy
40:01
to say. And I've said it to my friends
40:03
or family. But the reality is when the
40:06
person has been through something really
40:07
difficult, really traumatic, it's it is
40:10
really difficult to forgive. Mhm. And so
40:12
what I would say is you forgive when
40:13
you're ready.
40:15
Um and but you're working towards that
40:18
If that's ultimately what you want,
40:19
because forgiveness is for you, not for
40:20
them. And so, if that's ultimately what
40:22
you want, then you work your way to
40:24
that. What does that look like for you?
40:25
Um,
40:27
do you need an apology? For some people,
40:29
to forgive someone, they need an
40:30
apology. For other people, they need
40:33
something else. And so, what what works
40:34
best for you? What I What I will say
40:36
this, that ultimately, carrying those
40:39
things in our body, carrying, whether
40:41
it's shame or lack of forgiveness, or
40:43
lack of understanding, or lack of
40:45
compassion, um, whether it's hatred or
40:47
anger, those things do not do well for
40:49
our bodies. That's just a fact. They
40:51
don't do well for our bodies. And so, we
40:53
have to release those things. And so, I
40:55
kind of think of it like a balloon. You
40:56
hold those things inside, it's
40:58
eventually going to pop. It's just a
40:59
matter of time. And so, um, whether you
41:02
know it or not, by not forgiving, the
41:04
balloon is getting larger and larger and
41:06
larger. And so, I would I would
41:08
encourage you not to forgive necessarily
41:11
tomorrow, but I would encourage you to
41:13
begin thinking about what that looks
41:14
like for you. Kristen, how old were you?
41:17
And that's that's man, David. Round of
41:19
applause for what you said, because that
41:21
is an amazing way to look at that,
41:23
especially about the balloon and
41:25
forgiveness. But, how old were you when
41:27
when this happened? And how old was your
41:29
sister?
41:30
I was 18, and she was about 23 or 24.
41:37
See again, to me, like the age, I I
41:40
don't know, not that she didn't did did
41:43
right by you. I'm not saying that. But,
41:45
who was your sister at that age? You
41:48
know, um, what what what world was she
41:51
living in? Why was she packing up and
41:53
turning out lights? And what was going
41:55
on with her? You know, in in her life at
41:57
the time. Again, not making excuses,
42:00
Kristen, whatsoever, because I'm sure,
42:02
like David said, what happened to you is
42:04
traumatizing. You know, but you have to
42:06
look at the person too that's doing
42:08
these things. And I had to realize, like
42:10
in my life, some people are just
42:13
incapable of certain things. Like I'm
42:15
I'm waiting and looking for something
42:17
from you, that's just not in you. You
42:19
know what I mean? Like I'm looking to
42:20
get, you know, fish from a from a
42:23
turkey. It's just it's not in you. You
42:25
know what I mean? Like it's just not
42:27
it's not in you. And so I'm I'm I'm
42:29
wondering what kind of person your
42:31
sister is or who she was at that time in
42:33
her life. And and and is something
42:35
because the fact that she can pick up
42:37
and say happy birthday, it may not even
42:40
dawn on her or may you know, like what
42:43
what she did. I'm sorry, go ahead
42:44
Kristen.
42:46
No, I'm agreeing I'm agreeing with you.
42:48
She
42:48
She was we were when we were growing up,
42:51
we were extremely close. We were
42:54
we were separated by different marriages
42:56
and things like that, but in the summer
42:57
times and we would get together me and
42:59
my sister were
43:00
unseparable. I mean, we were straight
43:03
legit. You know what I'm saying? And
43:05
Mhm. It it
43:07
man, it it was it was the it was it is
43:10
it was the most mind-blowing thing
43:12
incorporated with what happened to me
43:14
physically with the child and
43:16
everything, but then my
43:19
the hardest part and I'mma say it like
43:21
this, that sealed the deal for me
43:23
was during while I was in my room
43:26
unmedicated, no doctor supervision or
43:29
anything delivering literally blatant
43:31
blunt a dead child,
43:33
my sister comes into the room and she
43:35
had given me a teddy bear years ago that
43:37
was hers and she would always give me
43:40
her hand-me-down things or clothes or
43:41
toys or stuff like that, you know, when
43:43
we were growing up.
43:45
And she came literally into my bedroom,
43:48
took my teddy bear from me, looked at me
43:51
and said, "I think I need this more than
43:53
you do."
43:55
I'm like and I'm looking at her I don't
43:56
I I don't even know if right now if
43:58
you're an angel, the devil, if you
43:59
possessed by something that's ungodly
44:01
cuz girl, what have you just done to me?
44:04
You know?
44:05
It was crazy. It was It was It was very
44:08
It was messed up. And I listen to y'all
44:09
every pretty much every Monday and y'all
44:11
been on y'all been hitting this topic
44:13
with me a lot lately and
44:15
I had to, you know what I'm saying, call
44:16
and just put it out there, I guess, you
44:18
know, on the airwaves. And I And I I do
44:20
want to say, you know, so while I have
44:22
the opportunity, I
44:24
I at
44:25
at at the at the moment, the best that I
44:27
can express towards her is that, you
44:28
know, I did love you. You were my best
44:31
friend.
44:33
There was nobody in this world that I
44:35
would have ever
44:37
replaced you with, you know what I'm
44:39
saying, but
44:41
I just I I hope I hope I don't wish
44:44
nothing bad towards her, you know what
44:46
I'm saying? If she If she can elevate
44:48
and and and keep pushing and do whatever
44:50
she's doing, she's up in like North
44:51
Carolina or something.
44:53
They You know, she can keep moving and
44:54
but I kind of just I'm I'm to the point
44:56
I'm like, you know, keep my name out
44:58
your mouth and and move around, you
45:00
know?
45:01
So You just You You just said something
45:03
very very powerful that I think is an
45:05
act of forgiveness.
45:06
You said, "I don't wish nothing bad
45:08
towards her."
45:09
Right.
45:10
>> That right there is an act of
45:11
forgiveness. And forgiveness isn't a
45:14
one-time thing. I don't forgive you
45:15
today and suddenly I've forgiven you for
45:17
the rest of my life and those feelings
45:19
don't come back up. Those feelings will
45:21
come back up again to next week. And
45:23
guess what? You forgive again next week.
45:25
And they'll come back a year later and
45:26
guess what? You forgive a year later.
45:28
And so you just keep forgiving over and
45:30
over and over and over and over again.
45:32
But by you saying that sentence,
45:33
>> any progress in the real world. You keep
45:35
You're doing it spiritually for
45:36
yourself, but you, you know what I'm
45:38
saying? If we would have just had a
45:39
little spit-spat or something, we could
45:41
have got over that, you know what I'm
45:43
saying? But
45:45
It It It was just like spinning your
45:46
wheels in the mud, I feel like, to to to
45:48
try to like have a
45:50
a a a relationship of any level with
45:52
her, you know? So
45:54
>> Yes. And and and as you said, "I don't
45:56
wish nothing bad towards her." That
45:57
tells me you're beginning the
45:59
forgiveness process. It also tells me
46:02
that you still love her and care about
46:03
her and and want her to do well in life.
46:06
Um and let me say this comment for all
46:07
the listeners. Um
46:09
this conversation that we're having, and
46:10
thank you Heather for having this
46:11
conversation, cuz this conversation that
46:13
we're having is reminding me that we're
46:15
all dealing with a bunch of stuff. All
46:17
of us.
46:18
Just in different ways. Some people are
46:19
dealing with family trauma, some people
46:21
are dealing with personal trauma, some
46:23
people are dealing with shame and
46:24
secrets, some people dealing with guilt.
46:26
Um some people We're dealing with so
46:28
much stuff. And I'm I'm glad that we're
46:31
having these conversations. Please reach
46:34
out to a therapist so you can have this
46:36
conversation one-on-one. So someone can
46:39
meet with you for 50 minutes a week,
46:41
y'all have the conversation, you meet
46:42
again the following week, you have the
46:44
conversation. There are resources out
46:46
there. I'm a resource for you. Uh hit me
46:48
up on Instagram davidwebber_lpc
46:51
to help you find a therapist in your
46:53
area, but we need to have more of these
46:56
conversations cuz at the end of the day
46:57
we're all going through something. And
46:59
we don't talk about it enough. Man,
47:01
Kristen, thank you so much. And uh David
47:04
Webber, you thanking us, but thank you.
47:06
I I think a lot of people needed to hear
47:09
these stories today and needed to hear
47:11
your words as well as a step towards not
47:14
just forgiveness, but healing as well.
47:16
Thank you, Kristen. And and and and and
47:17
and keep Please keep us posted. And
47:19
thank you for listening to the show.
47:21
You're a citizen
47:22
>> in the Morning. Wow. One last time I
47:24
know Trace, wow was right. One last time
47:27
um David Webber people reach you and hit
47:29
you up. Do you have a website as well?
47:30
>> Yeah, please hit me up either on my
47:32
website ohmydoctor.com, that's
47:34
ohmydoctor.com,
47:35
or hit me directly on Instagram. It's
47:37
the quickest way to get in contact with
47:39
me. My Instagram is David
47:41
webber_lpc um lpc and I'll hit you back
47:44
today if you need some resources, you
47:45
want to talk, whatever it may be, just
47:46
hit me up. Thank you, brother. God bless
47:49
you.
47:49
>> Thank you for sharing your
47:50
This is a ministry. You You're doing the
47:52
work. You're doing the work.
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