How Devale & Khadeen Build a Stronger Marriage Every Day 💪🏾 | SWAY’S UNIVERSE

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you don't even know who was rapping turn on that mic
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that's That was me that was you that was you when did I do that that's a bop too i know okay
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when did that was the last time I was here yeah bro y 24 can't believe you do
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that we forced you to do it embarrassing you ready throw a beat on throw a beat on
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i'm leaving i'm leaving oh man we we were we were looking forward all week to this conversation um
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just really getting to meet you in person you know tracy G you want to do some of the honors and tell them who we got today yeah absolutely i mean this is
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a true power couple in my eyes yeah sincerely because it's just built on
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realness on genuine love on sexiness on hustle and they go all the way back like
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this is not a new couple that's just taking advantage of you know all the
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socials and the spotlight on them like these are college sweethearts they represent in my favorite
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burrow podcast royalty um they're like parenthood royalty in a sense they have
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four beautiful boys and they are building an empire that's not only inspiring their youngans but is
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inspiring some adults too i'm one of them let me find out thank you so much they're killing it across media as well
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as acting we have Kadine and Dval Ellis man we got them in the building
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hey y'all i appreciate y'all thank you for that intro absolutely we standing on
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Absolutely i stood up for them come on i'm
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stand before we love y'all too for real in the room right very dead ass about that i mean
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you know I tell you what man and I'm not even trying to be salacious but I was
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just talking about this the other day i I I get so frustrated um hearing about
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our our people in our community and our couples couples breaking up on social media and then you starting to hear the
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worst out of it you're starting to hear the behind the curtain stuff of people you grow to love right people you watch
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come up together people we celebrated their loves at one point and now you just hear this just these toxic endings
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happening and um so it's great to see
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it's a big it's great to see it working right and that's what we get from you guys so no pressure
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but but keep the bar going for us man we appreciate it that's the plan well no
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because too much social media um or or not even too much but social media can
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somehow because it's energy and it can enter your home in a certain kind of way especially if you are in a strong
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partnership and you've decided to root your partnership under God absolutely and so if you're not careful sometimes
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little words little things can be triggers my husband and I had a conversation about this last week that I
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was sharing with Sway and so I think about you two obviously we were able to
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see Devolve first you know with the popularity of sisters and for me um when my husband you know did music for a
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while as well you know you look as a woman and say well who's supporting him who's his wife and she must be strong
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because this is that industry that's demonic in a lot of ways as well and that energy again can come she has to be
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a strong sister he supports her as well and then you step forward with everything that you guys were doing and
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being an awesome mom awesome wife now we have to look back at Deval and say he's a strong man because he has to sustain a
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certain way he has to make sure the messiness is not entering the home as head of household it's not a a monetary
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thing or tripping thing but he's your man that you king and queen period so we salute that and we so y'all are stronger
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together you know y'all are stronger together so that's the conversation we were sharing god bless y'all that's why
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we have so much i receive that and I truly believe the the energy that exists
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between Dal and I within our household period is what the energy that we put out in the world so people can say
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whatever they want they could be in the comments the world could be crumbling around us but we know what we're rooted in like you said first and foremost God
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and making sure that our four boys are able to see their parents in a loving relationship we're we're um loving on
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each other we're supporting each other who's better equipped in the moment whoever has the spotlight in the moment we all rally behind that person so
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whether it's the vow or the tide shifts and it's my turn baby we never nothing falls by the wayside amen oh I like that
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write that down i'm so proud he like that's my idea man thank you no but
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seriously having having a partner in life like that's the biggest thing is
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having a partner right we met at 18 well actually fell in love at 18 and the whole plan was this mhm that's why when
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people are watching and saying "I hope y'all prepared." Yeah we prepared and we had a plan and the plan was never for
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one person the plan was always for both of us but to also build a legacy so our kids can come after us and they may not
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be in entertainment or sports but our kids are going to grow up free black men knowing that their parents built this
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for them and that's always been the plan that's going to be the plan until it's not the plan no more i love that man and
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then you guys have done so well congratulations on our fellow record breaking play off of Broadway you guys
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are co-producers right yes yes we are how'd that happen that is the end zel
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any y'all seen it not yet we was waiting to get free tickets i'm sorry people were chomping at the
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bit chomping at the bit waiting for the offer no i'm going to be honest with y'all the ticket was so hot even as
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producers they were like "We we don't have family tickets here." No I was waiting for a little code to give my friends and family discount there was no
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code there was no code honey but but how did y'all get involved like how did you know how did that happen it was it was a
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friend of ours uh Tiffany Burquette uh we all went to college together she has a close friend Leseawn Thompson and Lean
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Thompson's been doing Broadway for the last couple of years and she was like I know Deval and Cadina are really interested in the arts let's see if
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they're interested in investing so I was just like all right let's see what this investment looks like and then once I
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realized it was Jake Gyllenhaal and it was uh Kenny Leon and Denzel Washington
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I was like "Yeah I'm gonna invest." Yeah we might get a return on we might
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because there's no but I wanted to learn yes so I was more interested in understanding the business
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cuz you know we also do live shows we sold out Apollo Theater and we have a theater but I wanted to see what it's like to do a live show on the grandest
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scale which is Broadway i also wanted to see what the actor's process is getting into ready to do Broadway so for me it
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was like a paid internship but I had to pay you know and I was I was cool with it but it was okay cuz it was like a
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master class for us you know we got to see the dress rehearsal and this was the first time they had all run the show
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from top to bottom and Dal and I sat there and we just soaked everything up
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you know and then fast forward to opening night let me just paint the picture about what this looked like okay
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we couldn't go so we're not going to let that go so we get there right and we're walking
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to our seats and we see Leon we see Angela Basset we see Martha Stewart Joe
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Felicia Rashad Joe Biden JLo I mean Spikely all of the greats the people who
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we've admired and people who we hope to model our careers after they're literally standing and sitting around us
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dal and I are two rows in from the front i mean so close that Denzel's spit could
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like land on me you know exactly we're in it excited about it listen of course
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of course of course right but saying that to say we were just soaking up
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every moment if I would tap me and be like "You see how you took that moment how you took the breath?" Yeah you see how Jake was able to to to let you
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understand what he was saying because you know Shakespearean terms are very like heavily jargon laden terms so being
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able to understand the story without necessarily understanding the the verbiage yeah it was an art so we were
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just happy to be in this master class ultimately and also not for nothing also be supportive of just black creators you
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know um the actual producers uh Brian Morland um Candy and Ty Burus this is a
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all black staff to be a part of that and actually help bring that to fruition also show young black creators like yo I
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can be on Broadway so just to be a part of that whatever money I got to give to make that happen I'm with that because
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we need more young people to say I want to be in the arts i wish I knew about the arts when I was in middle school or
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or high school i didn't i just knew that I wanted to act but I was like I'm a young black man i got to play some sort
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of sport so I just went to sports and then from sports I transitioned but if I had known that I could do art and it was
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a masculine thing and people would support me I probably would have did art since middle school wow man I love this
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man dval Kadine Ellis are here i'm curious too you know I was having a a conversation with my daughter right and
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uh she's an adult and uh we start we talk about business we're starting to
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have conversations more about business and I realized when I was speaking to her that I didn't have a lot of these
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conversations uh with the parents in my family my grandfather used to mention it a little
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bit my grandmother would put me up on games some but it wasn't a mainstay conversation even in relationships
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sometimes people don't have these conversations about business you guys are successful authors uh actors um
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producers you know you're relaunching the podcast you know uh congratulations on that going around the clock Ellis
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Ever ellis Ever After you're relaunching the podcast which we still keeping dead ass though you still keep it dead okay
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okay great how did y'all start approaching conversations about business
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like you know finances investment um you know paying bills how did that happen i
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had to that was I did like you much to your point um my parents came up from the West Indies my mother from Jamaica
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at 17 my father also from St vincent as a teen so they didn't really know much about business my parents came up here
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with the one goal and that was to survive and to make sense of and to build their life so I really leaned on
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Deval a lot for the business component because we learned a lot as we went along you know so you can speak a little
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bit more to that i had to uh unlearn some things before I implement it right
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when I first retired from the NFL a lot of people probably don't know the story if you haven't been following me but we were broke right i made a lot of money
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playing in the NFL and I saved it i invested in the stock market i was invested in properties but in 2008 we
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had the economic crisis right and the stock market crashed and then the housing market crashed so all of the money I had was just gone i moved back
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to Brooklyn with my wife here and what my fiance at the time and my dad said "Yo it is not your mom's job or your
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your wife's job to be stressed about money you're a man of the house." Now this is the same man who said to me um I
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get a little bit of push back on this from people who are not so like traditional but he always told me "Yo if
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you ask a woman to have your children and marry you it is your responsibility to pay the bills because if she goes to
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have a baby and she can't recover from that you can't then say well you got to go take care of the baby and go back to
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work." So my dad has always been on me like financially that's your job take the pressure off your wife so for the
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first part of our marriage I did that and I didn't tell her what was going on but then I realized if this is my
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partner and we're going to do everything together I need her to understand what I'm doing as a business person because I
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also realized I'm an entrepreneur i'm not a nineto-f like my dad so my dad got his pension he goes to work 9 to5 my mom
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knows where the money's coming so it's kind of easy to keep track right for us when you're an entrepreneur there's
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nothing to keep track i'm figuring this out like you jump out a plane I'm trying to build a parachute on my way down i
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need my wife who's with me falling on the way down to know what we doing i need to know why we falling i am going to be a ride or die
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but I want to know where we going how we going to get there what's the plan B you know because to Val's point he was so
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adamant about making sure that he was protecting me from all of the financial strains that he was feeling so we spoke
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about it because in our first 5 years of our marriage we realized we were really like in a dark place at some times
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because we weren't on the same page and we didn't have the open conversations i was just trying to show up as a wife
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based off of what I've seen and what I've heard but I never really sat down and asked my husband about the things
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that he needed to flourish as a husband and vice versa and financial strain tends to be one of the biggest things is
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probably the biggest thing that most couples struggle with so I needed him to tag me in and say "Babe like I I need to
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be aware of what's happening so I can help you." And it wasn't easy okay the first thing I did was have to show some
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show her how to be accountable i'm like "Yo you spent $800 a month on this was back when we was in the apartment $800 a
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month on Starbucks." Deval I don't spend $800,000 a month on Starbucks i said "Well let's look at the American Express
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bill." Okay he gonna pull up receipts that's literally receipts oh yeah i
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literally got receipts because if my dad is telling me it's my responsibility I'm going to tell her I don't want to pay
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$800 a month but here's the crazy part i sit my wife down i say "Look you spend $40 a day on Starbucks you go to work 5
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days a week what's 40 times 20?" She's like "I spent $800 a month." She bought a a coffee maker sure did so then what
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it showed me was the the lie that women can't take accountability just says that the women that you choose aren't taking
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accountability because my wife took accountability and then made changes and I just realized you know let me lean
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into that if I know that there's something I can teach her financially I'm going to teach her and see what she
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does with it she creates budgets now she she knows everything from all the wealth building stuff 529 plans IRA 401ks
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everything with the business because if something happens to me tomorrow she has to step in and tell everybody as my
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power of attorney these kids need to get this these need bills need to be paid and I just didn't want her to have that
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stress if something happened to me i love it man let's get the gang torch you writing this down Torch thor's trying to
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find his other knee homie he knows but so be before we move
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forward um what why now um do you have the new name and format of the podcast
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why was it time to reinvent you know it's funny we kind of fell into the podcast space not really knowing at the
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time what podcasting was we just knew that we were out there making these videos on Instagram it kind of was like
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a battle of the sexes like here I am as the wife in the scenario he's the husband and here's what we're dealing with because we realized that there were
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things that we were dealing with internally yeah that when we brought to the public forum in the form of an
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Instagram video of course through justest people were in the comments like "No that's me oh my god." Like you know
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they're debating and stuff so we're like "Let's take this to the podcasting forum right?" So once we got in there here we
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are what 200 plus episodes in 16 seasons in live shows sold out tours we said
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"Maybe we've done all there was to be done in the podcast space." You know we felt like we had we had done enough
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until last year we had our final show and we talked about retiring and baby
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let me tell you people came from all over and said absolutely not they booed
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us you cannot they booed us they were like no like boo
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no we had this whole beautiful montage of like our crew and like the whole experience so I got home and I said I
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don't think our job is done Lord and that was literally God sending people from different avenues people writing in
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we bump into them at the airport or on the street and they say "You guys cannot stop you saved my marriage you taught me
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how to speak to my spouse." So I said "Well Lord if this is our ministry I guess we have to find a way to keep going." And that's when the revamp
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happens and I will say this I've never said this publicly but I will say it now i've always gotten visions
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right like I believe in God so much right that I believe that the things
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that I know that no one else has told me can only be from God amen and when we
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first was doing the p when we first started the podcast I was like "Yo we need to do a podcast because I need to tell a black man's version of fatherhood
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that's never been told before but I need to tell it with my wife so they need to hear your perspective." And we watched
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it become a battle of the sexist online and we were kind of like yo this is not what we wanted it to become we all
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worked together and then like God once again
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was like the vow this ain't this ain't it this ain't it don't do it so then we was like you know what let's go to how
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we do it after therapy after we had the tough conversations these are the Ellis's at this is Ellis ever after and
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that's how the change cames because we we don't argue like we used to we don't make fun of each other and and you know
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how New Yorkers are we clown each other to the point where sometimes people feel like they don't like they don't like
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each other they clown each other but I'm like we New Yorkers that's how we play very direct too yes very direct a lot of
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bros' sons and [ __ ] you know you know that that's a New York relationship you know what's funny i was telling
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uh you know a New York relationship is very volatile very loving way i did a
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video with the funny salesman yes and he did he was like he's never approached
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anybody and I was like "Yo listen i'm an actor if we gonna do this we're going to tell a story we going to do this." He's like "All right bet i'mma rock with
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you." Right so then he comes over and I start being real New York and he stopped
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and he was like "My fault bro." And then he I was like "Your fault what like this is what you do do your thing." He's like
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"No I thought you was upset." I said "No I'm just from Brooklyn." Yeah
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so then his partner was like "Nah let's rock with it." So then we kept going we kept going but in the comments people like "Dval I've never seen you this
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angry." And I'm like "This is New York when you approach us this is how we act if I'm gonna do a skit I'm not going to
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do a skit and and put myself in a positive light it's a skit you approach somebody from New York this is what it's
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like but it was the same thing for us we're doing Jess and people like he talked to his wife crazy she talked to
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him crazy and I'm like "All right we have to show people." Yeah what really
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goes on how we really have these conversations so the podcast now is that when you watch it and we're talking about real things perry menopause me
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getting a vasectomy postpartum preeacclampsia postpartum depression like we're talking about things that can
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help us move forward as a community because I think more men need to understand what women go through and
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more women need to understand what men go through we don't need to be a battle let me understand and be empathetic the
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union the unity of the sexes let's push that forward i like that the union of the sexes ever after i get it now okay
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thank you for breaking that down yes sir all right absolutely what's also wild about long-term relationships and I'm in
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one is you know initially you're drawn to a specific version of your partner
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but then really you're signing up to the welcoming the birthing of multiple
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evolutions you know that you have to get to know and so flexibility is required
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curiosity grace honey and so I'm wondering for both of you Kadine Kadal
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have you Excuse me uh Vidal have you Dval have you had That's a good baby name if we mix the name i like it we
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ain't no more babies though so let me just have another baby look you starting
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rumor but have you each had a time where you
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um you had a personal transformation and perhaps initially it created friction in
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the relationship but then ultimately it created connection oh my goodness yeah i
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feel like there have been several to your point iterations of develop
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so I'm pretty sure you probably had to deal with a lot of different versions and vice versa and vice versa listen it's funny when people meet us and
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they're like "Oh I really like I want to find my version of Dalin i want to find my version of Kadine first of all let me
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put it on the on the table okay let's clear the air the version of Dalon Kadine that people see today has taken
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time to get to okay there have been several iterations of us because what
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you would hope when in a long-term relationship is that the person that you meet at the very beginning 5 years in 10
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years in 15 years in is not the same person you want to evolve you want to grow you want to change so I want to say
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maybe after for me personally I could speak to um my experience and I'm sure you may have one but within that first
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five years span like I said of our relationship it was particularly difficult for me because I realized at
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18 we started dating right I didn't even know who I was at 18 that's a fact as an
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individual as a woman so I realized the detriment that it was to me growing as a
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woman because I didn't know myself and I'm trying to grow simultaneously alongside someone who's also trying to
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grow so we're trying to be considerate of each other's feelings but also having the moments where we're like crashing
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out as the kids say nowadays because we're trying to love each other through it and we can't do it in a mature way
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because we weren't even equipped to do that at that age so that first five year mark for me was really a hard time
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because I was just trying to show up and exist how I thought he needed me to exist without asking him and having the
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conversations about what he required and after that point I think things got a lot better um it was still a continuing
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ongoing conversation i say marriage is that it's an ongoing conversation absolutely so we're always continually
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having the conversation still 23 years in about how I can be of service to you what are the things that you require
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from me to help you show up every day as your best self so those have been the conversations more more uh lately with
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us and that kind of led us to writing our book We Over Me it was the counterintuitive approach to how you get
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what you want out of your out of your relationship and we say that because we just told our story you know some people
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can resonate with me some people resonate with the vow some people have come to us and said "Because of y'all I know that I don't never want to be
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married ever get married." And I said "That's great." Like I'm happy that people are having those because for a
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long time marriage was something that people aspired to like it was like it was like a badge of honor for a woman to
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be married i I think people aspired to have weddings right and the reason why
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not to cut you off go ahead there's a difference between being a husband and being a groom right when you want to be a groom I want
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to look good in my tuxedo i want to get me a Barbie that's going to be on my arm and wherever I go she going to listen to what I say and it look good but grooms
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like that that after that day what else do you have right right when you a husband you embrace the fact that she is
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going to change and I always wanted to be a husband so for me the biggest thing
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when you're looking for someone to live that long-term life with aspire to be with someone who wants the role not just
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want the wedding right i found a woman who I knew wanted to be a wife so when me being the wedding too y'all though I
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know this could be true or there's duality in everything but
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when you come into it wanting to be a spouse you embrace the change m everything Kadine went through when when
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she was gaining weight through pregnancy I loved it when she was losing weight after I loved it when she has her attitudes through PMS I love it yeah do
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we argue about it yeah we argue about it but for me it's like a Rubik's cube right how can I solve this equation
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today my wife's not in the best space what can I do to make sure that by the end of the day she's in a better space
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cuz if if you're not going to do that for your spouse what else you going to do be angry sit back and just be like I
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[ __ ] her and no like that why choose that person so for me it was like yo whatever changes come with that I'm
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dealing with it you know what would you say is the most recent thing that you've learned about Kadine or noticed
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something new oh well she just started she came back into her professional bag
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and I realized that I loved the person that was dream chasing more than I love the wife said that more than I love the
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mom like if if I'm being honest it became super sexy to me when she had
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[ __ ] to do outside of the house oh you going to meet with your acting coach oh you going to work out oh you got lines
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to study and then it it just felt like I I got my partner back cuz at 18 that's what I fell in love with that's another
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narrative that I want to put the kibash on so many people put the put the uh this narrative out there that black men
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for example don't want a black woman that has her own we're intimidated by that i'm here to tell you that that's
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not the case i second that bro you know what I'm saying like come on man yo torch you in on this all right okay
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pb PB okay all right okay there is nothing like having a partner to when
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you don't want to do some [ __ ] and your wife say "I got it." And you could be
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like "This so [ __ ] sexy." Like I'm so serious like when when I first retired
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from the NFL I told this story all the time i didn't know how we was going to make money first but she was like "Y'all could do makeup." I was like "Bet what
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you need to do is go down to Mat get a job so that we can get insurance." She was like "Bet." turned her ring inside went to get the paper i'm like "That's
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my homie right there." Like I actually took the ring off put it in the jewelry box i walked to the bus stop and I was I
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put my all black on you know did my face and I said "All right I'm going to go to the mall and give me a job." Like what do we have what do we got to what do we
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have to do right now how like how much that fills you up as a man when you know
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like my my dog right here cuz and she's a beautiful woman we were 27 when I got
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released at 27 she could have been like "You know what i ain't signed up to be back in Brooklyn with this doing this
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man i'mma go find me somebody else i'mma go." But no she was like "Yo what are we doing?" Yeah you don't find that from
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people not even just women you don't find that from your homies i got homies that when I wasn't playing ball I ain't
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hear from them no more wow so it's when you find that person that's going to rock with you you got you got to stick
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with them you You have to build with that and it's like the most beautiful thing ever that's why when I see people talking about marriage the way they talk
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about it that's crazy like y'all just married the wrong person we got to use more discernment you know what I'm
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saying cuz I love being married so I love We make money we [ __ ]
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got Wait a minute i have no
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idea sam you can cadine Ellis are here natives on the
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line you put emphasis on that too man nate is on the line from Kentucky what up Nate
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how you doing what up Nate from Kentucky hey what's going on family i appreciate y'all can you hear me yes go ahead man
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talk to us hey Dale i wanted to say I'm 47 i would say you are absolutely right
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when your wife gives a professional bag how attractive you are to her talk about it talk about it i'm I work from a a
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recruiter command here for the United States Army and I'm busy busy busy and it always used to make me mad my wife
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had so much drive and when she finally got her drive back now I can't get my hands off of her so I told
27:24
I did not know that was a thing until I sat back you know I go to therapy too and realize you know what that that's
27:30
absolutely what it was and I didn't keep it a secret i told her exactly what it was and I think that drove her even
27:36
harder i'm glad that's me Nate now I'm like oh you like this that's her name you like
27:42
this i said "Well let me get back to get the bags because I did for a long time."
27:48
Sorry go ahead Nate finish up i'm also uh My family is from a little town called Uncertain Texas and my mom uh
27:55
absolutely took care of four kids with a husband that went to Vietnam four or five times so when she had to get that
28:02
money she went and got that money when he came back uh it seems like another child popped up but anyway
28:09
that's how coincidence hey Nate man thanks for your call man you're a super citizen bro
28:15
in the morning Nate man everything Nate yes okay I get it now okay starting to understand i'm glad
28:22
you brought her this time devon man you know you can't leave me behind too you
28:27
know she can't leave too long you know I need my I need my rod to die like you lucky I ain't had four kids in tow too
28:33
because they like our little show we all We go together you know the mama duckling with the little babies behind them our boys look like the Wi-Fi signal
28:40
you know they like oh my god wife they do they size order protect
28:47
the queen Cairo you got to be on the right side they got you got them flanking sir I like sir you know what's
28:55
funny Nate called Deval I want to ask you a question then um what would you say to men who struggle with their
29:02
partners or their spouses who are going out there to get it because some men can
29:08
be very intimidated by it jealous uncomfortable especially like you cadine
29:13
you're in the entertainment industry you know um you meet people all the time you know you think you got the bag but bro
29:19
came through with a bigger bag you think so what would you say to men who may be struggling with that she was home for a
29:25
long time paying all the attention to you right and now it's not on you speak to the ego I I think the biggest thing
29:31
is we have to understand our history as a people right like we have to understand why we feel the way we feel
29:38
why we get triggered by certain things right for example Example black men in this country have not only been
29:43
dehumanized but they've taken away our masculinity right y'all y'all heard about buck breaking back in the western
29:49
and how they purposely wanted to take our manhood from us imagine you have a generation or generations of men who
29:55
felt like we always have to prove our masculinity especially to our women
30:00
right now conversely think about women our women have watched their men be taken out of the homes through mass
30:06
incarcerations through lynchings through everything so our women have learned how to be super strong because they got to
30:11
take care of the home and everything plus our women have always been earners there's never been a time in American
30:17
history where the black woman was just at home all the time yeah there were pockets where there were some wealthy
30:22
black people but for the most part black women always had to work so we as a people have to understand where our
30:28
triggers come from when you're dealing with a man who may have some ego issues ask him why like what's going on why do
30:33
you feel this way if he hasn't gone to therapy he'll probably open up and tell you they may have some issues with his dad or his mom or he's never had things
30:40
in life or he's had some issues with some other women who've made him feel uncomfortable that's not that woman's issue but when you start to understand
30:47
your history as a people you know what you getting when you sit across from somebody that's why when I I have
30:53
debates and I talk to black women and they want to like feel like "Oh you gonna sit and talk to them and argue." I said "It's not arguing." I understand
30:58
the pain that's in my women's voices so when they get maybe a little upset or they may say something that triggered
31:04
them I don't take it personal that's your personal experience and I think more men need to realize that if we're
31:10
going to call ourselves kings right and the leaders of our community we have to have empathy for our women and lead by
31:15
example right we say all the time women are emotional if you know women are emotional you can't then be emotional my
31:22
[ __ ] i'm sorry but you know what I'm saying like you just can't if you say you're the leader you got to learn how to be even and I think that that's for
31:29
for a lot of men i'm like yo learn how to deal with your own issues first before you even get in a relationship
31:35
because all you're going to do is project whatever you're going through or have gone through and I'm saying that as a person who's dealt with it i projected
31:42
all of my issues I had with my mom and my dad so it's not about just growing up in a single family i live with my mom
31:48
and my dad and I watched my mom fall short and I watched my dad fall short at times and the things that my dad did to
31:54
fall short I was like I'm never going to do that so I was super volatile with my wife about that and the things that my
32:00
mom felt short and I was always pointing at her like don't do this until I dealt with it on my own and I'm like yo she's
32:06
not those two so I think that more men if they dealing with the ego it's going to sound cliche
32:11
but get therapy but n and therapy don't have to be a therapist you know what I'm saying therapy can be speaking to your
32:17
friends openly therapy can be speaking to your pastor therapy can be speaking to your wife yeah that's happened for us
32:22
a lot man when I tell you dead ass podcast became therapy for us yeah when she was making jokes and opening up
32:28
about things I was like "Yo I never heard you tell me that." Some of the conversations that we've had the best conversations we had it's like after the
32:35
podcast wrapped and you know we're debriefing about the day or you know we're going to bed at night it's like "Damn babe I didn't I didn't know you
32:41
really felt like that about that." And we were able to now see that we didn't judge our partners because we were
32:47
having a better understanding of like where they came from so for example Dval living with my parents now because
32:53
they're retired and they live with us and help with the children he's like "Damn K yeah thank God for the village." Right but he's able to look at me now
33:00
and say "Damn K I realize where that might have triggered you or where that came from because I see it in your mom
33:06
or I see it in your dad and vice versa." You know and to speak about the male ego
33:11
there was a point in time in the relationship with us where we had our first son we needed health insurance he
33:16
didn't wasn't in the league anymore health insurance was done i started working in you know MAC Cosmetics and he
33:21
had to stay home with the baby and I never thought about what that would have felt like for him not being able to be
33:29
in the space where he was the bread winner or he was the provider for me it's just like yo babe what we got to do i'm going to do it i was broke and
33:35
broken didn't I didn't know and I didn't know i I would go in the bathroom i'll go in the bathroom turn the shower on
33:41
i'll be sitting on the toilet fully clothed like this and she'd be like "You okay baby?" "Yeah yeah I'm fine." You
33:48
know just trying to get my bravado up and then I would go get in the shower come out act like everything was okay
33:53
and that was bec it was because of my ego but it was because of everything my dad taught me my dad told me that I got
33:58
to be the bread winner my grandfather was the bread winner and here I am retiring from the NFL and my wife got to
34:04
go to work and I'm staying at home without I one-year-old I felt like less of a man and in a lot of ways you know
34:10
what I did i projected that anger on the person who was closest to me and who's the the closest person to me her it had
34:16
nothing to do with her but I projected it on her and then once I started to learn about myself then I learned about
34:22
her family when I learned about her family that's when I was like I got to change some things but let me ask you
34:28
this looking back now having done the work you all have done and what you learned about yourselves individually
34:33
and as a couple when you look back at that two years now and realize that you stepped up where help was needed and you
34:41
did take care of those kids do you still like feel like you were less of a man now how do you see it now when you
34:47
reflect on it um to be honest I'm proud of myself yeah man you know what I'm saying yeah man come on bro thanks no
34:54
thanks i appreciate that i I am proud of myself i'm proud of my wife i'm proud of
34:59
us as two young kids that Yes I'm definitely proud of you too two young kids but um I feel like that's why I'm
35:06
willing to be honest and open so that a lot of young men can realize wherever you are in that moment is not the last page of the book yeah it is right cuz
35:13
cuz we also have a extremely high rate of suicide in the black male community
35:19
and I think it's important for a lot of black men to know that moment that you in right now is not the end so you don't
35:24
have to end it right there you can keep working and make it better i done failed and rose so many times i came out of
35:31
high school didn't have a scholarship had to walk on and earn it went to the NFL did all the things I was supposed to
35:36
do didn't get drafted had to walk on it was like dang failure failure oh success out of that failure yeah became a
35:42
husband was a terrible failure of a of a husband my first five years horrible emotionally spiritually i just wasn't
35:48
there financially I wasn't there i was angry just everything but then I rose again you know what I'm saying and I
35:54
want people to see that like I'm a person like anybody I'm going to make mistakes and the thing is I got my rock
35:59
with me like man it just makes the story that much sweeter for us as we look back um I don't think we take enough time to
36:05
sit and absorb it so you know I'm thankful when we're in spaces like this where you know folks want to give us our
36:11
flowers and give us hugs or even saying like the podcast really affected me as well too cuz I know I'm not alone like
36:17
those moments really like it just reiterates to us that we're on the right path you deserve your flowers as well
36:22
Kadinas and and thank you for sharing Deval because at those moments those five years that y'all spoke about I've
36:28
been married 24 years as well and so those moments that you spoke about those five years depending on your circle
36:34
depending on the people around depending on your trauma who's in your ear you could have walked away absolutely and
36:40
and would have been supported that that little wicked squad that's right [ __ ]
36:48
that but and instead you realize we we all do yes we all do and I recognize it
36:56
in the conversation that you guys are sharing and you guys decided this union was born under God and we going to stand
37:02
on God absolutely before listening to all of that so absolutely beautiful to you for standing no I appreciate that
37:09
and we talk about getting together in college at 18 but I had eyes on him since elementary school
37:18
a stalker see that's a little hater that's the
37:23
hater that's my what it is
37:28
but to your point and talking about how I really honestly feel like Deval and I have just this is a divine connection
37:34
having gone to the same elementary school him leaving right then still crossing paths going to rival high
37:40
school so I'd see him at football games he's the star athlete I'm in the cheerleading squad and then finally like
37:47
meeting each other again at this banquet where everything really came to that's when I shot my shot and bagged really
37:52
when I did that was just always crossing paths over the years he worked at Hogand
37:57
King's Plaza Mall wow i would be in the mall with my cousin she'd be like "Girl just go buy an ice cream cone." I'm like "I don't know what to say to him." So it
38:05
says she stalked me right i did i did i had lost his phone
38:10
number after the banquet and and sis went to the white pages honey you went to the white page the phone book
38:18
i went to the phone book now we're dating ourselves honey it's giving She's gonna get what she wants and I went to
38:25
the white pages and found his dad's number and I said "Oh that's where they live." "Okay cool." First of all I did a little drive by the house i said "Oh I
38:31
don't see no car that look like his car." So I called the house and I was like "Hey Miss Ellis it's Kadine do you
38:37
remember me from the banquet?" "Yeah." "Do you have the vow phone number?" "I lost it i want to talk to him because I'm going to hop." You lied to his mom
38:42
lied lied to my mom just gave the number you added this way and your mom gave the
38:48
number gave the number she wanted you to be her dad she was part of the divine plan women be knowing tell them about
38:55
your dad at the spring festival i was like 13 this is a true story right i'm in middle school my dad comes home from
39:02
the spring festival cuz we used to go to the same elementary school yo bro i'm like "What's up?" I seen this bad shorty
39:09
yo that's my pops it's my pops right i'm like "What?" Cuz I'm I'm 13 i don't
39:15
think that my father knows about girls she's like "Do she was she was presenting and she spoke so well she was
39:20
very nice she was clean cut girl and she's very nice you should you should look into that." I was like "Sure Dad."
39:26
Like you know anything about women cuz nobody thinks they father no it's my pops but then come to find out it was
39:33
her and he was right the whole time i was mceing the spring festival for our old school wow and our sisters at the
39:40
time who were 10 years younger than us they were performing and yeah his dad saw me at the spring festival so it
39:46
wasn't until we got together and we were like having a conversation randomly at the house one day he was like "You're
39:52
the girl from the spring festival." And I said "What spring festival?" He said "Did you MC the spring festival one year?" Like I said I did he was like
39:58
"That's the girl." I told you you're the girl it was like a big thing and I'm going tell you how crazy this is
40:05
goosebumps off of this story jackson our oldest son is 14 now and I know what my
40:10
father was doing every father does this your father gets to the age like "Let me see what he into." You know what I'm saying let me see you like her you like
40:17
her so I'm doing it to Jackson now and now my he does it to me i'm like "You like her?" He's just like "What you know
40:23
about girl?" He just said that he said I was like "Do you see your mother look at
40:28
your mother right now." Randomly we'll be in the kitchen right we all be eating right and she'll walk by i like "Yo pay
40:34
attention." Eyes up and they look like "Yes sir yes sir." I'm like "I'm everybody right now look at your
40:39
mother." And they they be like "Oh my god." I'm like "Come here baby come here baby she'll come over." And I like
40:45
squeeze her butt they like "E." And I'm like "That's my baby." All right make sure y'all get one that's just as good
40:50
as this make sure she taking care of y'all make sure you get somebody to take care of y'all and but now Jackson is
40:56
really on it because he knows that she graduated magnaum la so for the first
41:01
time standards he had at a minimum sis had his first Valentine and he told us
41:07
who the young lady was and lo and behold white pages
41:15
and she did find her too though i found her but um she's in the National National Honor Society
41:23
modeled after his mom black girl you know what I'm saying it's like and and I'm not I'm not one of
41:29
those I'm not racist but I do tell my sons like you have to love black women bro we come from black women if you
41:35
don't love black women you don't love yourself there you go like that's and that's our motto and if anybody got an issue with me telling my sons they have
41:42
to love the very thing they come from you can take Kid Rocks i don't give a [ __ ] yeah that ain't even a debate i want my sons to marry black women so
41:49
when I saw this ureitrian girl in the honor society man I was like you start
41:54
crying right generational blessings i love it man the
42:01
Val and Kadine Ellis man get him a round of applause before you go this might
42:07
be the same last time last time but but this is
42:13
going to sound really ironic but I I think we'll be remissed if we don't bring up divorced sisters oh my goodness
42:19
oh that's right you are doing you are talking about divorce you're doing a
42:24
little Let me tell you this is the one moment where art does not imitate life
42:31
okay let be clear and let me put it to bed cuz first of all when the announcement
42:37
came out the image people were like "No did they did not decide to announce they
42:43
divorce on a reality show." That's what they folks folks let's read it's a It's
42:48
a scripted show yes thank you divorced sisters my character's name is Geneva Washington honey and I just want y'all
42:54
to buckle up for the ride because Geneva alongside her besties um shout out to Tyler Perry for always coming up with
43:01
some story line you know and shout out to TP for um just giving me an opportunity man in this industry that's
43:07
all you hope and pray for that somebody will give you a shot so um you're going to learn the story of these five women
43:12
and some might be married some might not be some might be in situationships you know buckle your seat belts june 10th is
43:20
when it uh premieres on BET Plus okay but you can get a sneak peek um right after the BET Awards so don't change the
43:26
channel y'all stick around stick around you two are awesome y'all you guys are medicine you guys are medicine for us
43:33
truly man joined by God joined by God and um I want to thank you for coming up
43:40
here and sharing your lives the way you have man we all we're all learning from you right and I know I've been here a
43:46
little longer than you but I'm sitting here taking mental notes and you guys are both incredible could y'all find
43:52
your wife stop all right okay well you seem to be pretty good at it you know
43:58
my wife probably mine he said "I'm not playing matchmaker." Okay that Okay but
44:04
nah congratulations on all the success y'all got to keep coming up here yes come back come back i love the open
44:12
invitation i'm going to take you up on it it's all good i hear you make a mean cocktail or something so you know we can make it a thing we can make it a thing
44:18
that's right yeah they can co-host come co-host the show whatever y'all want from us you let me
44:25
know whatever you want i love it here i I do interviews sometimes i be tired
44:30
as y'all probably saw [ __ ] be tired but uh single rap group yeah I know
44:36
right single coming to the stage right now to the stage but this was this was Man
44:43
we woke up we was up 5:30 to get ready cuz we just knew we was coming here first of all I was like I got to get
44:49
there what time i said for who they said Sway and I said "Oh Sway and the crew." Yeah yeah we was up early the premier is
44:55
tonight so I was like I got to eat and glam and do all the things but I'm like I'm coming here first yeah we was here what a way to start a day i feel so
45:01
blessed good man that's so do we and we you And what a way for us to end our week right thank you Michelle too
45:08
michelle that's family we known each other for years she's incredible um I've
45:14
I've watched y'all before I knew y'all so you know ain't that something i might
45:19
have told y'all when I first saw y'all I was like "What is this?" It's funny but it's dope that's what's
45:26
up you know y'all let us inside so we appreciate you keep up the good work you have allies in us and we going to get
45:33
you that ll roll come on man got to get you that ll roll hey yo Todd man i'm
45:39
here baby that's what I do you know what I'm saying you licked his lips with this baby you feel me you feel me sway
45:48
look at his lips you get stalkers bro that is all I got to talk you know go
45:54
white pages.com there you go thank you man give him a big round of applause to Val and Kadine Ellis the entire family
46:01
divorced Sister yeah divorced Sisters make sure you look out for that uh Ellis Ever After

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