0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thank you so much for tuning
0:14
in today I'm especially excited to have
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our guest Victoria Brandt discuss with
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us how to find and discover the pitfalls
0:23
of parenting specifically the
0:25
developmental age of teenagers we all
0:28
know that our brain regresses during
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that part of our development and so it
0:32
becomes especially challenging as a
0:34
parent to meet and understand and
0:38
connect with our teens and so we've got
0:41
Victoria today who's going to share with
0:42
us some really helpful tools tricks and
0:45
information about how to better parent
0:48
our teenagers so Victoria tell us a
0:50
little bit about yourself and thank you
0:52
so much for being here today thanks
0:53
Kelly so I've been a clinician here at
0:56
infinite for 2 and a half years now
0:58
before starting here I was a teacher
1:01
worked in the school's um Head Start age
1:04
so 3 to five the littles and with that
1:07
population comes a lot of work with
1:09
parents so I got to partner with
1:11
families which really was my my favorite
1:14
part of the job really helping them
1:16
navigate what was going on with their
1:17
children how they could help more at
1:19
home Beyond just the academics things
1:22
when you think about becoming a parent
1:25
there is no instruction manual yeah
1:28
there is it so I talked my clients all
1:30
the time about this this is really just
1:32
the classroom for all of the life things
1:34
that you were not taught correctly or
1:36
you were taught by caregivers that maybe
1:38
didn't know the most appropriate things
1:40
and so you took that educational stance
1:43
and you were able to bridge that gap for
1:44
parents as an educator uh in your first
1:48
career absolutely awesome and then when
1:51
I came to infinite I first thought I was
1:53
going to be working you know exclusively
1:55
with Littles and through more advanced
1:58
trainings um and work working with the
2:00
lifespan clients across the lifespan I
2:02
realized I have a real passion for
2:04
working with teenagers but again
2:07
bringing in the family component and
2:09
helping their parents realize um how
2:11
they can be more effective in parenting
2:13
them and connecting with their teens and
2:16
and navigating all of the challenges
2:18
that come along with being a teenager
2:20
right and when you think
2:23
about the connection we have with
2:25
ourselves and our stories we've been
2:28
teenagers yeah know what it was like to
2:30
be a teenager and we know where our
2:32
parents didn't get it right or fell
2:34
short and so what an awesome opportunity
2:36
for you to kind of help educate families
2:40
bridge that Gap and help future
2:42
teenagers maybe have some of the things
2:44
that our parents missed because they
2:46
just didn't know what they didn't know
2:47
you know we're all doing the best we can
2:49
but when we're when there's gaps in what
2:50
we know we we the people that come to
2:52
learn you know and our viewers who are
2:54
trying to learn more about this they're
2:56
going to bridge those gaps because of
2:57
what they're learning so absolutely feel
2:59
so honored to one have you here to share
3:01
with us and also just in this work to be
3:04
able to reach a broader audience because
3:08
everybody turns into a teenager at some
3:09
point in their life yeah so you teach a
3:12
class here at infinite and I was so
3:14
excited when you went through this
3:15
training can you tell us a little bit
3:16
about it so it is dialectical behavioral
3:19
therapy whoa what's that I know it's a
3:21
mouthful we love the acronyms in in
3:24
therapy it is essentially a skills-based
3:27
therapy right so it is fantastic for
3:30
teenagers because what they need are
3:33
skills they need skills for how to
3:35
emotionally regulate how to tolerate
3:37
distress how to communicate in effective
3:40
ways and how to you know navigate their
3:44
relationships in better ways and that in
3:47
particular is the module that we're in
3:50
right now what's it called it's called
3:52
Walking the middle path okay awesome can
3:54
you say a little bit more about what
3:56
yeah why the why the name walking the
3:58
middle path is about balance so balance
4:01
in a lot of ways you can think about you
4:03
know perspectives between teenager and
4:05
parents sometimes it feels like you're
4:06
on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon
4:08
and how do we find any Middle Ground um
4:12
on how we move forward on issues that
4:13
come up conflicts that are super common
4:16
and it's also you know for ourselves
4:19
whether it's for the teenager or for the
4:21
parent to notice how do I find balance
4:23
in how I'm moving through life so
4:26
balance in a parental approach between
4:29
Maybe being too lenient versus too
4:31
strict awesome so I one of the things I
4:34
loved about you going to this is so many
4:37
practices or clinics offer coursework
4:39
specifically for the kid yeah or
4:42
specifically for the parents and they
4:44
don't teach both sides of the family
4:47
here are some set of ground rules that
4:49
we all should just know yeah and let's
4:51
learn them together let's practice them
4:54
together with a with a in a in a
4:56
non-threatening setting not in the
4:58
middle of some kind of conflict
5:00
and let's practice these same sets of
5:02
ground rules and skills so that we can
5:04
have better communication all the time
5:07
so that we can forge a pattern of
5:09
communication that's effective so I
5:11
really love that this course offers that
5:14
it just gives it gives it gives people a
5:18
chance to learn the things they didn't
5:20
learn before they had kids and also to
5:24
bridge that Gap especially during the
5:26
transition of a child Becoming a Teen
5:29
yeah you know when you think about the
5:31
communication I know that as a parent
5:33
one of the best tips I learned when my
5:35
kids were becoming Adolescent and teens
5:37
was and I don't even remember who told
5:39
this to me but uh they said you might
5:41
consider changing your language from
5:43
such directive language like pack your
5:45
backpack to you might consider if you
5:48
don't pack your backpack tonight you
5:50
might forget something tomorrow and so
5:52
it just changes the approach so that it
5:54
empowers the child to have the
5:56
opportunity to reason consider pros and
6:00
cons weigh the natural outcome that may
6:03
or may not happen and then ultimately
6:05
exercise agency in so doing and so I
6:08
love that little tidbit of what I
6:10
learned but it's really tricky when
6:12
people become teens and we get so uh
6:15
locked in on we want things to be the
6:18
way they we want things to be as parents
6:20
because we're managing so much and the
6:21
chaos of our family systems is lot to to
6:24
handle and we're not just parents we're
6:26
also employees and we're friends and
6:28
we're sisters and we're wives where all
6:30
of those things and so it's a lot to
6:31
navigate so in this course can you tell
6:34
me what you think is one of the most
6:36
important Concepts that is discussed for
6:39
parenting this age group yes and I will
6:42
bring it back to saying that it is a
6:44
game Cher to have the teenagers and the
6:46
parents in the room at the same time
6:48
going through this because it means that
6:51
it is not the burden is not on the
6:52
parents the parents aren't the problem
6:54
and the burden is not on the teenagers
6:56
it's not the teenagers who are the
6:57
problem it's the interactions and what's
6:59
going on between the two needs some help
7:02
awesome and so one of the best concept
7:05
one of my favorite Concepts that we talk
7:07
about to address this is
7:09
validation validation will give you the
7:12
keys to the kingdom when you are working
7:14
with parents and when you are working
7:16
with your teenagers and trying to get
7:17
things to go better for you so say more
7:19
about that validation is essentially
7:23
communicating whether with your both
7:26
with your words and non-verbally that
7:28
you understand where the other person is
7:30
coming from you understand uh how
7:33
they're feeling and that it makes sense
7:35
in a given situation so can you give us
7:37
an example of how this would be done
7:40
correctly maybe you know thinking of a
7:42
client case or a recent incident in one
7:43
of your courses where you were able to
7:46
demonstrate this and even maybe model
7:48
for or course correct what appropriate
7:50
validation might look like sure so let's
7:54
say someone is feeling upset it's really
7:57
just being able to come in and
7:58
communicate with your with your body
8:01
language and say oh man yeah I can tell
8:04
that does sound like it'd be really
8:05
upsetting you you sound really
8:07
disappointed about that so it's kind of
8:10
bringing a label or a word to what it
8:12
looks like the other person is feeling
8:15
and just giving them a sense that I get
8:16
it so empathy it's essentially empathy
8:20
right yeah empathy which is hard to do
8:22
when we as parents are caught up in our
8:24
own experience over what's happening yes
8:27
and we we are humans too and we get
8:30
activated and we get triggered because
8:31
of our own neurobiology when we are
8:33
faced with experiences that our kids
8:36
either go through or share with us so
8:38
can you tell us some of the pitfalls
8:41
that happened because of our
8:42
imperfection as a as a human parent and
8:46
uh and and what sometimes you see happen
8:49
although a parent might be attempting to
8:51
exhibit validation or empathy what what
8:54
do you see happen that are kind of
8:56
problematic behaviors and that get in
8:58
the way of this there are plenty of
9:01
pitfalls that parents inadvertently step
9:03
into right they are coming to coming
9:06
towards their teens with the best of
9:08
intentions and yet maybe they don't
9:11
agree with how their their teenager is
9:13
feeling they wish they weren't feeling
9:16
that way so they want to rescue them
9:18
from it right rather than acknowledge
9:20
that yeah you're feeling really sad
9:22
right now or you're really hurt they
9:24
kind of want to rescue them from that um
9:27
what does the rescue look like so one
9:29
example of rescuing that I can bring
9:31
from my own life story that I've
9:33
witnessed um be that when my when my
9:37
papa died I was with my younger sister
9:39
who at the time she's much younger but
9:41
at that time she was around 12 um and my
9:46
mom was trying to help her through this
9:48
and in doing so with beautiful intention
9:51
said oh honey it's okay you don't need
9:52
to cry don't be sad sweet girl it's okay
9:57
so much love pouring from my my mom in
9:59
that and yet it is rescuing her from
10:03
what is actually a really normal and
10:04
natural response to death and an attempt
10:07
to control her emotional experience
10:09
don't be sad yeah because of her own in
10:11
discomfort because she didn't want to
10:13
see her hurting right yeah and the
10:16
problem in that uh is that it
10:18
communicates inadvertently that don't
10:21
show sadness around me right and when it
10:25
maybe can lead to some mistrust in their
10:27
self of should I not be feeling sad
10:29
should I not cry is that not an okay way
10:32
to express sadness right should I keep
10:35
this in or am am the way that I want to
10:38
show emotions is it just wrong yeah am I
10:40
too much am I too much is I sad too much
10:42
for her and can she not handle it so all
10:44
those messages that get get internally
10:47
encoded for someone when when there is
10:49
that misattunement or that empathic
10:52
failure yeah that makes so much sense so
10:55
what's another Pitfall that you see
10:57
parents experience uh and and the
11:00
negative consequence of that Pitfall I
11:02
think a big one that parents fall into
11:05
again in a well-meaning way is problem
11:07
solving right failing to take that pause
11:11
to First acknowledge how their teenager
11:13
is feeling and kind of jumping over that
11:16
step to the problem solving stage right
11:19
and it comes with quite a few problems
11:21
like what what's a what's a negative
11:23
implication or impact from a parent who
11:25
jumps into problem Sol it kind of
11:27
conveys that the feeling around it
11:29
aren't as important you know I have a
11:31
recent example of of a growth
11:32
opportunity or I should say of an of an
11:35
area that I have been working on and
11:37
grown in my own parenting I was super
11:41
guilty of being a rescuing Problem
11:43
Solver and I think it had a lot to do in
11:46
my own story about so much falling on my
11:49
shoulders and then when one of my kids
11:52
would call with their overwhelm or
11:53
they're upset or wherever a mistake
11:57
choices it's like because I'm barged
11:59
with so many problems in my life I have
12:02
a lot of people that I love uh I was
12:04
having a hard time tolerating that that
12:07
was happening instead of just realizing
12:10
I don't actually have to solve anything
12:12
and so I want to share a recent example
12:15
so my son has uh had a couple of issues
12:19
with being towed he parks in places that
12:21
are whether he misses a sign or whether
12:23
he uh thinks it'll just be a minute and
12:26
he'll get back in time before anything
12:27
negative happens and I mean it's it's
12:30
been a problem of of for him and and
12:32
cost him quite a bit of money and and so
12:35
he calls you know recently and he's U
12:37
really upset you know he's very
12:39
distraught he's very overwhelmed that
12:41
his car has been towed and he's so mad
12:43
and he's just kind of lashing out and
12:45
he's not lashing out at me and I used to
12:47
kind of feel like it was at me when he
12:48
would do this and he wasn't lashing out
12:51
at me he was just lashing out about it
12:53
and so I was just quiet and there was a
12:55
long pause after an initial lash out and
12:58
I I just said getting towed sucks so
13:02
hard it just sucks you feel so powerless
13:05
so betrayed so much shame because
13:08
somehow you did something wrong you know
13:09
it's just a shitty shitty feeling and he
13:12
was just like you know and I was only a
13:14
little bit in the red you know and I
13:17
resisted my impulse to go well there's a
13:20
lesson and I was just like man just the
13:22
tiniest mistake has such a negative
13:25
impact I'm just so sorry for you that
13:26
you are going through this right now and
13:29
it built connection for us and then you
13:32
know he comes back later a couple days
13:34
and he goes you know I saw pictures and
13:36
it was actually worse than I thought you
13:38
know and if I was the person that was
13:40
impacted by someone parking there I you
13:42
know I don't know if I would have called
13:43
the toe company but I I definitely would
13:45
have gone and knocked on their door if I
13:46
was really tired of having to deal with
13:48
this so he came in a much more
13:51
integrated way afterwards because he
13:53
learned something from the experience
13:55
and you know I think we don't often
13:57
times give our kids credit that they
13:58
would will learn that emotion is a
14:00
powerful teacher and they will learn
14:02
from these negative consequences
14:04
especially if we can be a safe place to
14:06
land for them to call and we don't have
14:08
to take on the onus of fixing it yes
14:12
exactly and so I think you also dipped
14:15
into uh one of the other pitfalls that's
14:17
common that's what did I do what did I
14:20
do no you you addressed it but you
14:22
didn't fall into it um but it's similar
14:25
to problem solving which is wanting to
14:27
teach a lesson in some of these moments
14:30
oh good that's a twofer on me yeah I
14:32
would have done the other too like well
14:33
what did you learn in such a almost
14:35
condescending way and I'm just over it I
14:37
don't want to be that way so and I think
14:39
that's one of the biggest reasons why
14:41
parents fall into these is they wish
14:42
their kids didn't feel a certain way
14:44
they don't agree or they see they can
14:47
see with kind of their adult lens that
14:51
well hello the of course you know a
14:53
leads to B leads to C so this is why
14:56
you're here but if we can't sit with
14:58
them and acknowledging like it sucks so
15:00
bad to get towed doesn't it right that
15:03
connection will let it be way more
15:06
effective when we do help them problem
15:08
solve when we do teach the lesson and
15:10
you know now that you mention it what I
15:12
real realized I did is after he had
15:14
calmed down and after he'd kind of
15:16
gotten himself a game plan on what he
15:17
was going to do next I go this is why
15:20
adults are so anxious about parking I'm
15:22
like cuz it's just the worst feeling and
15:24
you know you tease me that I'm so
15:26
anxious about things but I've been
15:29
and it's expensive and it's inconvenient
15:31
and it's so frustrating I just don't
15:32
want that to happen again so I'm really
15:34
cautious about the signage and the
15:36
timing and all of those things and so
15:38
this is these are this is one of those
15:40
things that happens in our life that
15:42
that that we use to make different
15:44
choices later and so you know I was able
15:46
to say that and he just laughed at me
15:48
cuz I think he was seeing it as well
15:51
yeah you know so thinking about these
15:53
pitfalls that we've talked today and you
15:56
talking about this middle path at the at
15:57
the beginning of our episode when you
16:01
balance what what does that look like to
16:03
you as far as balancing you know how do
16:06
we direct how do we parent how do we
16:08
leave room for them so there are a few
16:10
different kind of things that happen as
16:12
far as uh lack of balance in parenting
16:16
specifically with parental approach can
16:18
be the spectrum of being too loose
16:21
versus too strict so often times parents
16:24
will land far on one end of the spectrum
16:29
or what we see is they're on one side
16:32
things are too loose there's not a whole
16:34
lot of boundaries the expectations are
16:36
not clear communication is not clear and
16:39
then they notice that things feel a
16:40
little chaotic and they swing to the
16:42
other end of the spectrum and get really
16:44
rigid and really strict and that
16:46
inconsistency causes a lot of problems
16:48
in the family system that makes sense we
16:51
can't teach our kids that everything's
16:53
going to be loose and that we're not
16:55
going to have any we're not going to
16:56
express any expectations and then all of
16:57
a sudden they aren't meeting our
16:59
imagined shoulds and supposed to and
17:02
then we're mad at them when in fact it's
17:05
a boundary issue we haven't expressed
17:08
the way that things need to look in the
17:10
home and the structure wasn't clear and
17:12
so kids will find the edges whatever
17:15
those may be and they they really do
17:17
want the structure they want to know how
17:19
to be successful they want consistency
17:21
and so when we as parents don't follow
17:23
through with that we then like you said
17:26
try to course correct and we just become
17:28
over the top and try to overpower
17:30
control and and what problem does that
17:32
create well yeah the reason why this
17:34
matters is it leads to so much conflict
17:37
in the household teenagers are resentful
17:39
the parents are resentful that nothing
17:41
is happening in the way that as you said
17:43
they imagined it would play out in their
17:45
head and we're blaming blaming to
17:47
discharge our pain and discomfort you
17:49
know fix my kid they they they and it's
17:51
my favorite when a parent comes in and
17:53
they they they and I go well we're going
17:55
to have to look at this whole
17:57
environment I'm not treating your child
17:58
in a vacuum and I need you to understand
18:01
that you are the foundation of the
18:02
experience and you are actually the one
18:04
with the power and control so we're
18:05
going to have to have some hard
18:06
conversations to get this short up and I
18:09
think that the parents listening to this
18:12
are one step ahead because they're
18:14
they're intentionally initiating
18:16
learning for themselves and I think the
18:18
kids that are going to benefit from that
18:20
that's pretty awesome yeah you know all
18:22
the parents that I've worked with are
18:23
just phenomenal wonderful parents and
18:27
you don't know what you don't know right
18:29
and when we frame it up that way it
18:30
becomes a lot easier pill to swallow
18:32
yeah I didn't know that this was going
18:34
to cause that and then they were going
18:36
to act this way and I have to look in
18:37
the mirror at my part in it and as
18:39
parents unfortunately we really have to
18:42
take a lot of the ownership MH on the
18:46
system that we've created in our homes
18:48
CU we are the ones with the choices
18:49
whereas our kids are just there right
18:52
without the choices so when you think
18:55
about some of the ways that people
18:58
parent without balance what's another
19:01
error that you see a big one is either
19:06
forcing kids to be independent too soon
19:09
when that's not developmentally
19:11
appropriate when the Readiness and
19:12
skills are not there or fostering
19:15
dependence right so the parents are
19:18
wanting the kids to be and their
19:19
teenagers to be dependent on them too
19:22
long when that's also not
19:23
developmentally appropriate trying to
19:25
instill too much Independence too young
19:28
what are what are some can you think of
19:30
an example where you've seen that sure
19:32
it it happens a lot when there's an
19:34
oldest in the in the family system and
19:37
even if that oldest is only eight or
19:39
nine the the expectations are a little
19:42
bit different because the comparison the
19:44
others are three and four and so you're
19:46
eight you should be able to XYZ fill in
19:49
the blank there when should they really
19:52
and also that's a really shaming way to
19:54
say it yeah but we see that right and so
19:58
this expectation that there should be
19:59
more Independence um and kind of forcing
20:02
that especially if parents are
20:04
overburdened right if there's too much
20:06
on their plate the demands of Life are a
20:09
little bit too much and so really
20:11
wanting their kids to have more
20:13
Independence but they're not ready yet
20:15
it's so hard it's so hard and it sends
20:17
such a it sends such a hard message to
20:19
the child when they are expected to be
20:22
something they're not developmentally
20:23
ready to be yeah they need a little bit
20:25
more support the flip side of that which
20:28
we see a lot nowadays is that parents
20:31
are not ready to let loosen up the rains
20:34
not ready to let their kids fly out of
20:36
the nest a little bit and instead want
20:38
to keep some of that dependence on them
20:41
so that they have a purpose so that they
20:43
can say but I'm the parent and I've
20:46
heard parents in in uh one of the
20:47
classes that I teach say well you know
20:50
but I'm a stay-at-home mom so I really
20:52
should be putting their clothes away and
20:54
I go your child is 15 your child needs
20:57
to learn how to do homework put their
21:00
clothes away do their laundry so that
21:02
when they leave they are capable and
21:05
they have the resilience to tolerate the
21:07
demands of life and they're not mad at
21:09
you saying I don't know how to do all
21:11
this my mom did it all for me so we
21:13
create a that lack of independence by
21:17
overfunctioning uh with our kids as well
21:20
so correct that's problematic and it's
21:23
it's not fair but it does happen a lot
21:25
more with moms because sometimes you
21:28
know you are in that role of being
21:29
everything from day one right and that's
21:32
a wonderful role to be in but learning
21:35
how that can change and evolve over time
21:37
what it means to be mom has to change a
21:40
little bit right and and for the dads
21:42
out there what it means to be dad has to
21:44
change a little bit so that you're not
21:47
you know parenting a 17-year-old child
21:51
you're parenting a 17-year-old near
21:53
adult correct and some of the societal
21:57
norms and gender gend roles that we have
21:59
placed on you know specific genders for
22:02
those roles those really need some
22:04
course correction too you know dads need
22:06
to hug and kiss their kids dads need to
22:08
tuck in their kids dads need to bathe
22:10
their kids you know and and and moms
22:14
need to work sometimes and moms need to
22:16
go do some of these other things and
22:19
kids need to see that we can we can rely
22:23
on one another in our family system to
22:25
have different roles and so all of that
22:28
flexibility does create a lot more
22:29
flexibility in the child which which is
22:31
kind of cool too it's another way that
22:33
we need balance right it's not just
22:36
between different types of Parental
22:37
approaches but balance within the the
22:39
parents themselves right can both
22:41
parents show up in an equal way to to
22:44
help the teens and does the kid have
22:47
they been taught that I can go to either
22:50
parent for and has the parent received
22:52
that so that that becomes the pattern of
22:55
the child all these cool things to look
22:57
at when when it comes to Parenting um I
23:00
really thank you for this conversation I
23:02
think it's ever so important with
23:04
parenting parenting is in my opinion the
23:07
hardest job and pretty much the most
23:09
thankless job that there is until
23:11
they're like in their mid late 20s they
23:12
don't really get how much it takes and
23:15
that as parents we're just humans too
23:17
trying to navigate and negotiate these
23:19
unchartered territories and so I really
23:22
appreciate you being here and all of the
23:25
awesome work that you do for the
23:27
families that are lucky enough to see
23:28
you thank you so much everyone for
23:30
tuning in we know this is a hard
23:32
conversation but you're better equipped
23:34
for having listened and we're grateful
23:37
for you to have put in the time and
23:39
energy to improve this area of your life
23:42
and if you have any questions or would
23:44
like to participate in one of Victoria's
23:45
upcoming groups you can find the link
23:48
below and so I hope you move forward
23:51
today and all days leading with love cuz
23:54
it'll never steer you