0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly O'Horo and this is
0:09
Adaptable Behavior Explained hi everyone
0:13
I'm Kelly O'Horo and welcome to
0:14
Adaptable Behavior Explained today we're
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going to dive into Mel Robbins latest
0:20
book The Let Them theory and we're going
0:22
to explore her concepts and how they can
0:24
be applied in real life i loved this
0:27
book i have been waiting for a book like
0:29
this that's great for the lay person and
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I've been listening to Mel for a really
0:33
long time and I just love her delivery
0:35
her natural cander and she's just so
0:37
cool to listen to and I love how she's
0:39
brought mental health concepts into
0:41
light so that we have other resources
0:44
and so I want to get as many of you to
0:45
read this book as possible because it
0:47
was just so so good my husband and I
0:49
listened to it in audio form and on the
0:51
way to and from as we were traveling
0:53
recently and I love that on the audible
0:57
form I can check out each chapter and
1:00
then I can also share with clients like
1:02
you need to go listen or read chapter 10
1:04
or chapter 13 as an additional support
1:07
for their therapy so I think that this
1:09
is really good um if you're a therapist
1:11
this is a great resource but if you're
1:13
not this is a good resource to have as
1:15
far as something to help improve your
1:18
growth and your work so the let them
1:20
theory is awesome and we're going to
1:22
give you some examples of how to improve
1:24
issues related to the concepts that are
1:26
found in the book some real life u
1:28
connections and so I got to say that I
1:32
think after this show today you're going
1:33
to really find the eight transformative
1:36
areas that she talks about are things
1:38
that you can adopt and you're going to
1:40
get a whole lot of benefit out of this
1:42
i'm also going to make some comparisons
1:44
to a couple of courses that I teach
1:46
because there's a lot of overlap in the
1:48
concepts related to codependency and
1:50
boundaries and really the lack of
1:52
boundary setting and our overfunctioning
1:56
and potential behaviors that suggest I
1:59
can't be okay if you're not okay are
2:00
what are predisposing us to behave in
2:03
ways that we do that she talks about in
2:05
this book i'm going to go through the
2:06
eight concepts that she discusses in
2:08
brief and again you're going to dig into
2:10
the book and you're going to get this
2:11
book and you're gonna understand it even
2:13
deeper so the first concept that the let
2:16
them theory talks about is acceptance
2:18
mel emphasizes the importance of
2:20
accepting others as they are without
2:22
trying to change them and this is so
2:24
hard because we see the way someone is
2:27
acting and we know that something could
2:28
be better for them right we have an idea
2:30
about how someone could change their
2:32
choices and their behavior and improve
2:34
the way their life looks and sometimes
2:37
we invite our opinions when we haven't
2:39
been asked so you know you have those
2:41
friends maybe that are workaholics and
2:43
are always busy when you're with them
2:45
and you might be frustrated by their
2:47
constant work interruptions or
2:49
distractions with their phones and so
2:51
one of the things we're going to think
2:53
about is you know let them let them do
2:55
what they're doing and then let you
2:58
decide if you need to speak up if you
2:59
need to set a boundary but ultimately we
3:02
want to practice empathy and understand
3:03
that everybody has their own journey and
3:05
we want to respect people's autonomy and
3:08
offer support without judgment now
3:10
that's not to say that you don't need to
3:12
speak up if something feels boundaryless
3:14
for you so for example I have a friend
3:16
that tends to work all the time and I
3:19
can let him if he's got to work and he
3:21
can't join us to be present that's okay
3:24
i can also say "I don't want to do that
3:26
tonight if you're not going to be able
3:27
to disconnect from work for a little bit
3:29
and hang out with us and be present."
3:31
And I feel comfortable saying that but
3:32
it took me a long time to get there
3:34
because I was busy going "This is what
3:36
he does." And and it's hard to be around
3:38
someone who can't be in the moment and
3:41
so we want to respect someone's autonomy
3:43
we want to not have judgment about them
3:45
we all have different working styles and
3:47
habits that sometimes clash with what we
3:50
would do maybe someone that you know and
3:52
so we want to accept that people have a
3:54
unique approach and then maybe we want
3:56
to focus on collaboration rather than
3:58
trying to change them so again let them
4:00
do things their way let them work all
4:02
night if that's how they choose to work
4:04
and then come up with some compromises
4:06
that work so that you can be in
4:07
relationship with them the second
4:10
concept that's pretty prevalent in the
4:11
book is about boundaries boundaries are
4:13
really hard to set when we are so
4:15
concerned about being in disconnection
4:17
with people but it's really crucial for
4:19
maintaining mental health and people
4:22
misuse the word boundaries all the time
4:24
i can't tell you how annoying it is to
4:26
me when people say you know I'm setting
4:28
boundaries i'm never talking to them
4:30
again and then my next question is well
4:32
have you discussed with them how you
4:33
felt about it when they said this or
4:35
when they said that and then they go no
4:37
I'm not going to do that and then I say
4:38
okay well that's a wall that's not a
4:40
boundary and so a boundary is a pathway
4:43
to intimacy and connection a boundary
4:45
says "Hey I love you and I care about
4:47
you that the way you spoke with me
4:49
during our last conflict that's not okay
4:51
for me and I don't want to be around you
4:52
or be in relationship with you if that's
4:54
how you're going to treat me." So a
4:56
boundary offers a pathway to connection
4:58
and intimacy and so setting healthy
5:00
boundaries like I said is crucial i'll
5:02
give you an example about my husband a
5:04
struggle of boundaries and growth with
5:06
boundaries and then ultimately where
5:07
resentment ends up happening so he's so
5:10
wants to be a good guy he wants to be a
5:12
good dad he wants to be a good husband a
5:14
good papa you know and a good employee
5:17
and oftentimes people will need him and
5:19
want him to help with things because
5:21
he's really good at things and he's
5:23
really smart and resourceful and capable
5:26
and so people ask him a lot of different
5:27
things and he you know and I I have to
5:30
say I'm probably the most guilty because
5:33
he's right there in proximity and I know
5:34
he does everything awesome but he feels
5:36
overwhelmed often and he doesn't look at
5:39
his own personal limits he's not great
5:41
at saying no and he wants to please the
5:43
people that he loves he doesn't want to
5:44
be a disappointment like I said
5:46
especially with me and so an area that
5:49
he has to look at is this okay does this
5:51
take away my bandwidth do I have
5:53
capacity for it and we want to look at
5:55
what we need to do so an improvement
5:57
that I'd love to see him have is that he
6:00
would define his own boundaries and then
6:01
if he can't do something he'd say you
6:03
know I can't do that right now but I can
6:05
help you another time and that he would
6:07
practice saying no a little bit more so
6:09
that he could protect his space but this
6:11
is an area that we all need to work on
6:13
protecting our emotional space and
6:15
looking at what do we need and what do
6:17
we want and how can we better engage
6:19
with people and express what we need you
6:21
know I've got another example of a
6:23
family member that will regularly ask
6:25
for favors or interaction or he'll want
6:28
to know what we think or want to share
6:29
about something and it's like in the
6:31
middle of something else and it can be a
6:32
little bit disruptive and I notice in me
6:35
I want to hear about these things
6:37
especially because I care about you know
6:38
his experience but sometimes it's not
6:41
the best time so I'm getting better at
6:43
you know politely but firmly saying "Hey
6:45
I really want to hear this story can we
6:47
catch up tomorrow i've had a really long
6:49
day." Or something like that and so
6:51
that's really an example about improving
6:53
that boundary um because ultimately it's
6:55
no one else's job to protect your time
6:58
it's entirely your responsibility to
7:00
protect your time and your own bandwidth
7:02
which leads me to the next concept
7:03
that's discussed which is self-
7:04
responsibility we've got to focus on our
7:07
own actions and responses rather than
7:09
trying to control others so I'll give
7:11
you an example and this is a hard one
7:12
for me my mom ended up with diabetes
7:15
when she you know a few years back and I
7:19
was really anxious about her getting
7:21
sick and her eating choices and
7:24
concerned about what that was going to
7:25
do to her in the long run if she didn't
7:28
change her habits and because of my
7:31
control and fear and anxiety about what
7:34
was going to happen to her if she didn't
7:35
improve her habits that she was going to
7:37
get sicker and she was going to suffer
7:39
and I didn't want to see that but
7:41
ultimately you know I'm the only child
7:42
and so that behavior is going to have
7:45
some collateral damage and it's going to
7:46
end up falling on my shoulders and you
7:49
know if I really think through the let
7:51
them theory I would have to let her eat
7:54
how she wants to eat or control her
7:56
diabetes or not and get sicker or not
7:59
and then what does that mean about me
8:01
well I'd have to let me set boundaries
8:02
around how much I would help or not help
8:04
or be there when things were going wrong
8:07
and that's really hard right we don't
8:08
want to tell people we love that we're
8:10
not going to be there for them when they
8:12
have made choices that ultimately have
8:14
consequences and so that can feel really
8:16
inconsiderate or it can feel like we're
8:18
not loving and caring and so I really
8:20
had to dig in and do a lot of work in my
8:22
own healing journey around what was
8:23
going to be okay or not okay for me but
8:26
ultimately that I couldn't be obsessing
8:28
about her behavior and her choices
8:29
because it was making me mean it was
8:31
making me controlling and it was making
8:33
her not want to be around me and that's
8:35
not the kind of relationship that I want
8:36
to have and so I had to dig in and I had
8:38
to go let them let her do what she's
8:40
going to do she's going to suffer the
8:42
consequences more than me and she
8:44
doesn't want that so ultimately that's
8:47
kind of how you have to look at this
8:48
type of stuff so you have to focus on
8:50
your own well-being you have to trust
8:52
the people to make their own choices and
8:54
you have to practice your own
8:55
mindfulness and your own self-care so
8:57
that you reduce your own urges to
8:59
control things and so this is just a
9:02
good example about self-control the next
9:05
thing that we're going to talk about is
9:07
the concept of letting go and this is an
9:08
area that everybody struggles with
9:10
because the last thing anybody wants to
9:12
feel is powerless and when we feel
9:14
powerless or we feel overwhelmed by the
9:16
behavior of others we sometimes have
9:19
this internal desire or need to control
9:21
people and letting go the whole thing is
9:25
about recognizing my own growth my own
9:27
capabilities my own capacities and
9:30
letting other people have their own
9:31
journey let them fall down let them have
9:34
their mistakes let them build their own
9:36
resilience let them grow from their
9:38
mistakes we cannot curtail everybody's
9:41
journeys so I'm going to share an
9:43
example about a client who really has
9:45
struggled with this letting go concept
9:47
and you know ultimately it's rooted in
9:49
her history because she didn't have
9:50
grown-ups that were there supporting her
9:52
the way we need and so she often times
9:56
ends up neglecting her needs when I
9:58
started seeing her I should say she
9:59
didn't have the best self-care she was
10:02
incredibly overfunctioning with her
10:03
children she was constantly trying to
10:06
see what her husband needed even when he
10:08
never asked her about things what would
10:10
she do to take care of him she wants to
10:12
be a good wife she wants to be a good
10:14
mom and she's really nervous and anxious
10:16
about missing something and she starts
10:18
to get pretty sick and ends up having
10:20
seatic issues and gastro issues and the
10:24
root of this is she can't let go if
10:26
something bad might happen and so one of
10:29
the things that we had her working on
10:31
was regular self-care activities letting
10:34
go activities like you know her child
10:36
forgets their homework at home and you
10:38
know she lets go and lets her child have
10:41
the consequence it's not her job to take
10:44
the homework even though she doesn't
10:46
want her child to feel you know
10:47
neglected or abandoned ultimately the
10:49
child doesn't learn to pack the backpack
10:51
the night before if mom rescues the
10:53
child and this is really hard when we
10:56
don't want our kids to suffer
10:57
consequences for whatever they have to
10:59
experience and so when we adopt regular
11:02
self-care activities relaxation exercise
11:06
mindfulness you know it can be even
11:07
things like taking care of getting
11:09
manicures or pedicures things like that
11:11
or massages once in a while so that you
11:13
can prioritize your health these types
11:15
of things help us to look at our own
11:17
growth and let go of the need to control
11:20
other people's experiences and it's
11:23
really hard especially if you're a
11:24
parent it's really really hard to let go
11:26
of the outcomes that your children
11:29
ultimately need to face in order to grow
11:32
from life's experiences the next topic
11:35
that Mel talks about in this book is
11:37
resilience and we do not build
11:39
resilience by doing the hard things for
11:42
others letting people have actions and
11:46
let their actions have consequences
11:48
ultimately are necessary for growth and
11:51
so in the the gifts of imperfection uh
11:54
one of my favorite books by Bnee Brown
11:56
she talks about a few things that are
11:58
important on this concept which is in
12:00
order to develop hope about things we've
12:02
got to set realistic goals and plan ways
12:05
to achieve them in order to stay
12:07
motivated despite the obstacles and
12:09
believe that things can improve and we
12:12
need to use critical awareness which is
12:14
recognizing and challenging societal
12:16
norms that contribute to our feelings of
12:18
inadequacy and shame so going back to
12:20
that client example you know Martha's
12:22
mom would bring her her homework and we
12:24
have to realize like I have to do what's
12:26
right for me so that my child learns in
12:29
the ways of developing resilience in the
12:31
way that I want them to and so we've got
12:33
to allow for those comparative suffering
12:35
type things that we do or societal norms
12:38
we need to not allow those to contribute
12:40
to our own feelings of inadequacy we
12:42
need to refuse to numb the negative
12:44
emotions people think that protective
12:46
emotions are bad and that we should be
12:49
really focused on feeling only good
12:51
things but I've got bad news that's not
12:53
how we're wired we are wired with shame
12:56
and pain and embarrassment and guilt and
13:00
regret and anger and all these other
13:02
protective emotions and fear that are
13:04
not necessarily connecting emotions but
13:07
the whole gamut of emotions are really
13:09
the beauty of being a human and we want
13:11
to allow for all of the emotions to be
13:14
able to be part of our human experience
13:17
because that's how we can have genuine
13:18
connection and ultimately joy because we
13:20
can't just numb the protective emotions
13:23
when we numb emotions we numb them all
13:24
and so if we want to have a full color
13:27
rainbow of life and emotional
13:29
experiences we've got to stop numbing
13:31
our negative emotions here's another
13:33
area that a lot of therapists are
13:35
reluctant to discuss and that's
13:36
spirituality we have to recognize that
13:39
there's an interconnectedness of all
13:41
life and you don't have to necessarily
13:43
believe in God but hopefully you believe
13:45
that there are things that are bigger
13:47
than us even if we're just looking at
13:49
storms and waves in the ocean and
13:52
recognizing that we are just part of a
13:54
system so if we can recognize the
13:57
richness of the interconnection of life
14:00
we can find purpose and belonging and
14:02
that helps us to navigate difficult
14:04
times with more meaning about you know
14:06
how we all tick and connect together so
14:10
ultimately if we avoid these feelings of
14:12
connection and things like that we end
14:14
up lonely and resentful and so we want
14:17
to recognize that if we don't practice
14:21
bird of communication express our needs
14:23
and preferences um we end up in
14:26
disconnection and that is not helpful
14:28
for dealing with resilience and we
14:32
develop resilience by focusing on areas
14:34
of improvement relationships and
14:36
constructive feedback which contribute
14:38
to maintaining our self-worth so the
14:41
next thing that we're going to talk
14:42
about is authenticity and I love this
14:44
word it's becoming more popular but I
14:47
think that for me it's really important
14:49
because I struggled with a lot of
14:50
perfectionism a lot of worrying about
14:52
what other people think a lot of what if
14:55
I do this what will they say and I know
14:57
that it comes from my family system
14:59
everything was you don't let people know
15:01
our dirty laundry and we need to make
15:03
sure that you look a certain way and
15:05
chewing gum is uncou and all these sorts
15:08
of messages that were given to me when I
15:10
was a kid and so I became pretty anxious
15:12
about the judgment or the opinions of
15:14
others and so in doing some of my own
15:17
personal work the daring way workshop
15:19
that I am trained in and um Bnee Brown's
15:22
work from Daring Greatly authenticity
15:24
ended up being one of my primary values
15:27
that I want to keep at the forefront of
15:28
how I make decisions and basically this
15:31
just means being true to yourself and
15:33
letting others do the same my way is not
15:35
the right way it's just a way and
15:37
letting other people have ways to do
15:39
their life really helps to give you
15:41
freedom in how we manage and how we can
15:44
let go of our way of doing things and
15:46
it's more authentic to be able to go
15:49
yeah I might do it this way but you do
15:51
it that way and it's not for me and so
15:53
let people be authentic to who they are
15:55
and let them have the consequences they
15:57
have for doing it differently than you
15:59
and also let you learn things from
16:01
people who do something different which
16:03
is another twist on it and so I think
16:05
that it's important to just step back
16:07
and let other people handle their own
16:09
lives and focus on your own growth and
16:11
allow others to learn from their
16:12
experiences i can remember Taylor my
16:15
daughter-in-law she and I are very close
16:17
and when she was a young mom you
16:19
remember when you were a young mom and I
16:21
would have like feedback for you about
16:22
things that I thought you should do as a
16:24
mother with Emry and you pushed back on
16:27
me pretty hard you set some pretty good
16:29
boundaries you remember that i for no
16:31
reason you're like I I pushed back
16:33
because I pushed back but truthfully I
16:35
was out of my lane because unless you
16:37
asked me what you should do it really
16:39
was none of my business and so when I
16:42
think about our early dynamics and the
16:44
evolution of that feedback you know
16:46
ironically I was too intrusive before
16:48
and I believe I've backed off a lot more
16:51
but I think by number for sure would you
16:53
say yeah but like for number two you're
16:55
like "Hey what was those things you said
16:57
I needed to do with number one?" Because
16:59
I definitely want to do that for number
17:01
two by number three I was like "Do
17:02
whatever you want do whatever you want i
17:04
can't anymore with all of the the
17:06
wildness like what to do yeah you're
17:08
super outnumbered but I think that you
17:10
and our relationship because has taught
17:13
me a lot because when I think about it's
17:16
hard to let them you know let your kids
17:19
maybe not have warm clothes in winter or
17:21
whatever but like it's also good for
17:24
them to go "Hey mom I'm cold i need a
17:27
coat." You know and let them have the
17:29
outcomes and learning experiences and so
17:32
I think that we have to stay in our lane
17:34
we have to realize that people are going
17:36
to do things the way they're going to do
17:37
them and they can grow and learn and
17:40
evolve and that we can come together and
17:42
talk about things when it's invited
17:45
yeah for sure so another thing that she
17:47
talks about in this book that seems like
17:50
a no-brainer but it's really hard to
17:52
have empathy when we're mad at somebody
17:54
or when we don't like how someone did
17:56
something and then they have a negative
17:58
consequence and so I want to share Bnee
18:01
Brown talks about empathy as this
18:03
ability to understand and share feelings
18:05
of another person by connecting with
18:08
something in ourselves that knows that
18:10
same feeling so I don't have to have had
18:12
someone die in my life to know what loss
18:15
feels like to know what grief feels like
18:17
i can tap into that feeling in me so
18:19
that I can better relate with someone
18:22
and true empathy done well really fuels
18:24
disconnection whereas sympathy which is
18:27
uh kind of a disconnected way to relate
18:29
with someone drives disconnection and so
18:32
some attributes of empathy that are
18:34
really important to consider are
18:36
perspective taking you want the ability
18:38
to take a perspective another of another
18:40
person and recognize their perspectives
18:42
as their truth the next thing we have to
18:44
look at with empathy is staying out of
18:46
judgment we want to avoid judging
18:48
another person's situation we want to
18:51
recognize that they have their own lens
18:54
of life and their own previous
18:56
experiences and that's what drives their
18:59
choices and their adaptations and it's
19:01
not for us to determine if it's right or
19:03
if it's wrong unless we're invited or
19:05
asked the next thing about empathy is
19:07
recognizing emotion you want to identify
19:10
the emotion in others and then
19:11
communicate the understanding so back to
19:13
the example of loss it's like if someone
19:16
I know has lost someone I can say "I I'm
19:19
so so sorry that you've lost someone and
19:21
I really understand and I'm here for you
19:24
you know please let me know what that
19:25
might look like." And that's an
19:27
empathetic response ultimately with
19:29
empathy we're feeling with people we're
19:32
connecting with them by feeling with
19:33
them rather than trying to fix the
19:36
problem uh that's not supportive that's
19:38
not empathetic to try to just fix
19:40
someone's problem and it's more
19:41
vulnerable to show up with empathy
19:44
because it just requires you to be
19:45
simply present and acknowledge someone's
19:47
pain without trying to offer solutions
19:50
and understand and respect their
19:52
perspectives and so it can be a really
19:54
vulnerable choice and if we practice
19:57
empathy and realize that everyone has
19:59
their own journey it helps us to better
20:01
let them have the experience they're
20:03
going to have it helps us to respect
20:05
autonomy and offer more support without
20:07
judgment something I commonly hear about
20:11
with my clients is related to some
20:13
things with family dynamics regarding
20:15
political differences especially today
20:18
and it can be really impassioned about
20:20
where we stand with policies and
20:22
politics today because we're seeing a
20:24
bit of an upside down response in our
20:27
government right now and it can feel
20:29
personally powerless and so it's hard to
20:32
remain respectful but we want to look at
20:34
the person and seek to understand why
20:38
they think the way they think we want to
20:40
try to have a non-judgmental perspective
20:43
about it so that we can make sense and
20:45
stay in connection with people even if
20:47
they have different perspectives than we
20:49
have and it's really really hard but I
20:51
challenge you if you have someone in
20:53
your life that you work on this because
20:55
there's so much sadness and
20:57
disconnection and we just don't need
20:58
more of that it's hard to hate up close
21:00
so we need to move in and better
21:02
understand what motivates people to feel
21:03
the way that they feel which leads me to
21:06
the last concept of the book that we're
21:07
going to discuss which is personal
21:08
growth when we're so busy externally
21:11
focused we are not looking inside at
21:13
what we need to do for our own goals our
21:15
own dreams our own healing journey and
21:18
so when we can let people be them and
21:21
have their journey we can let ourselves
21:23
focus on our own desires and goals and
21:26
work towards the outcomes that we want
21:28
in our own lives so you know going back
21:30
to that client I talked where she put
21:32
her husband's needs before hers and her
21:35
children's needs before hers as she's
21:37
evolved through her counseling
21:39
experience she's noticed her husband is
21:41
a lot more helpful her husband chimes in
21:43
and supports parenting duties more than
21:46
he used to her children are a lot more
21:48
resilient they show examples of pride
21:50
when they come through problem solving
21:51
skills and she's able to set back a
21:54
little bit more regularly and recognize
21:56
that her lack of overfunctioning and
21:59
overinvolvement is creating family
22:01
dynamics that are improving in her life
22:04
and she's liking what she sees so it is
22:07
hard it is an adjustment but we really
22:09
want to try to embrace some of these
22:12
habits so that we can let go of outcomes
22:15
that happen because of other people's
22:17
choices this book is awesome i barely
22:20
grazed the surface of it the let them
22:22
theory gives you so many valuable
22:24
insights that can enhance your
22:26
understanding of codependency of
22:28
boundaries because by letting other
22:30
people be themselves setting healthy
22:32
boundaries prioritizing your own
22:34
self-care you're going to have a much
22:36
more fulfilling and balanced life and
22:38
relationships so I really encourage you
22:41
get this book The Let Them Theory it's
22:43
awesome on my bookshelf and I want to
22:47
hear what you think about it it's it's a
22:49
really good resource so thank you so
22:51
much for tuning in i hope you enjoyed
22:53
this episode i hope you grab Mel Robbins
22:55
book The Let Them theory and start
22:57
changing your own mindset about your
22:59
interactions and responsibility in the
23:01
lives of others so until we meet again
23:04
remember to lead with love it'll never