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A Client Talks about her EMDR Therapy Journey with Her Therapist
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Jun 5, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over what it’s really like to experience EMDR therapy from the perspective of both client and therapist, featuring Jessica Silver. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone i'm kelly o'horo and this is
0:09
adaptable behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thank you so much for tuning
0:13
in today to adaptable i'm your host
0:15
kelly o'horo and i am absolutely honored
0:18
and elated to have the guest that i have
0:19
here today her name is jessica and she
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is a client with whom i've worked for a
0:24
little over three years now and i am so
0:27
excited she approached me because she
0:29
wanted to share about her journey in her
0:31
therapy experience and hopefully
0:34
encourage some of you to not be so
0:36
afraid to approach your healing and so
0:38
without further ado i would like you to
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introduce yourself jessica thanks for
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being here thank you my name is jessica
0:44
i am a mom of three two adult children
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and i still have one at home and i am a
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brand new grandma that is the best it is
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she's amazing i i always say that i love
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being a grandma as much as i loved being
0:58
a mom because i loved them as much as i
1:00
loved my own kids but when i was tired
1:03
or when i was done or when you know
1:05
someone needed to be the bad guy i could
1:07
go "time to go time to take over it
1:10
here." i know so thank you so much for
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being here tell us a little bit about
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why you approached me and why you wanted
1:15
to share a bit about your journey with
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our viewers so if i could shout it from
1:20
the rooftops about how much emdr has
1:22
changed my life i would i i would i
1:24
would love to tell everybody exactly
1:26
what it's done for me in my world in my
1:29
journey because prior to me starting
1:32
with you i didn't know that it was
1:34
available i've been in and out of talk
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therapy since about 12 years old and it
1:38
worked but it only worked so far and
1:42
eventually i had a doctor hand me one of
1:44
your business cards and said "i think
1:47
this is what you need." and that started
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my journey well i'm so glad that that
1:51
happened and that the stars aligned for
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us to to work together what initially
1:55
motivated you to approach me i mean you
1:57
had said you'd done therapy historically
1:59
what was kind of your breaking point or
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what was going on in your life that made
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you decide to reach out well it was it
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was really about my physical health
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that's kind of what tipped it off i was
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working with a doctor uh she suspected
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that after working through so many
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physical issues that i was having mostly
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stomach issues and and migraines yeah
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she we were on our path to testing for
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crohn's disease which was super scary
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and i you know and she was telling me
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reduce your stress and meditate do all
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these things to support yourself and i i
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was like i'm doing literally all the
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things i can't get out of bed i can't
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function i can't do anything and so it
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was scary to hear that i could have such
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a chronic disease and that was the
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moment that she said you know maybe it
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you could you know use some therapy and
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maybe that's what is bothering you i'm
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so i'm so glad that more doctors are
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aware of the body mind connection and
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how much our mental state of things
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affects our all of our systems and
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overall illness or wellness and so i'm
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really glad that that you were seeking
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the help that you were how would you
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describe at the time of starting with me
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you know your state of mind uh
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disastrous chaotic like i was saying
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earlier i couldn't get out of bed i was
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in bed for days and at that time i was
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running three businesses i had the three
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businesses i had children i was taking
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care of other children who weren't my
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children i was in a very unhealthy
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marriage and i couldn't find my way up
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or out or sideways or any direction and
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at that point i was desperate for
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anything anything to help me yeah i you
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know as as you talk about this it's kind
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of cool for me to think about where you
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were versus where you are because you
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know we review treatment plans every
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year and and determine you know what
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have we accomplished where are we now
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what is it that you want to see for
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yourself as we move forward in this
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healing journey together
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and you know it sounds so wonderful now
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at this point but what for you was some
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of the hardest parts or what came up for
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you during the beginning of your therapy
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process because uh emdr therapy is much
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different than talk therapy and maybe
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you can share a little bit about what
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that was like for you starting in that
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process for me and thanks to you i felt
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really really comfortable i came in and
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our initial intake it felt very
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comfortable on top of the fact that i
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was just so ready to be so much
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different i was afraid because i was
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like this is going to open a lot of old
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wounds that i push down for such a long
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time but if i don't move forward i'm not
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going to get any better so it was very
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very scary for me at the time i would
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say in the beginning the hardest thing
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for me was of the relationship i was in
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the marriage i was in we were both doing
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therapy but we weren't able to meet each
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other where we were at and so we were
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still bumping heads so i felt like i
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could never use the tools i was learning
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even though i tried it kept still
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feeling like a failure sure um and that
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happened for a lot of years until i was
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able to get out of that marriage not
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blaming one that it takes two right but
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as you know i you have always said to me
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uh you attract familiar and that's
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really really stuck with me i actually
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talked to a lot of people about that
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because for people with a story like
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mine you always wonder what am i doing
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wrong why do i keep picking these people
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right and for for what that just to
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describe that a little bit better we
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call that concept reenactment we reenact
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something that was familiar and
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unresolved from our childhood whether it
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be a lacking and nurturing parent or not
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having the kind of attention that we
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needed someone who's emotionally
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available or not in our partner because
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we're attempting to try to fix it and
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you know maybe if i work harder now i'll
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get the love that i needed so badly so
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if you feel comfortable would you share
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a little bit about your story i mean you
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have a beautifully complex story and
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you're incredibly adaptive you're you're
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quite a warrior but that's not my story
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to tell do you mind sharing a little bit
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about what it you know how you grew up
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and and what made it so complicated for
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you yeah absolutely uh that's a big
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piece of this uh you wouldn't be able to
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understand where i'm at today without
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knowing sure all the way back so it
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wasn't until i was about 11 years old up
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until 11 years old i had a seemingly
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normal life we were close with both
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sides of our families we did birthday
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parties and you just all the things you
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would dream of doing family-wise
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vacations and all of the things and uh
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my parents ended up becoming successful
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um had a lot of money and their choice
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then was to get involved with drugs and
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within one year from 11 to 12 years old
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we went from all the things uh you know
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great home
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cars all to uh no electricity no water
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and you're one of how many i am one of
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there's four of us at the time there was
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just three of us and i was the oldest
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and it ended up being we're on
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methamphetamines and it made them very
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violent with each other very not capable
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of meeting any of our needs whatsoever
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so at 11 years old i became mom and dad
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and as the oldest we see that all the
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time in our offices where we have some
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tragedy or something going on that's
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tumultuous in a family system and we
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have the oldest take on the parental
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roles because you're seeing these other
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children your siblings go through
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whatever it is that you're also going
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through and you feel it your
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responsibility to then protect and take
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care of them um which is it's no burden
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that a child should take and i remember
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a moment if i if i may share when i said
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to you "but you were 12." and then i
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showed you a picture of one of my own
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kids that was about that age and i
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showed you because you were beating
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yourself up yeah like i should have been
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able to figure out the power in the
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water and then these people came and
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said to me i wasn't doing a good enough
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job and you were so mad and i showed you
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that picture and do you remember what
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happened i think i remember if i can
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remember correctly um i also thought
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about my son who's 12 and it really
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pulled all those pieces together real
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quick and it was like a realization of
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like oh my gosh that's young yeah you're
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a baby and and have no business trying
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to figure out what it is to do about
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people who aren't eating and there's no
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power and trying to make meals without
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electricity and water and learning the
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things i had to learn i'm grateful for
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the things i learned in that process but
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yeah that wasn't mine right yeah and and
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so share with us some of
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the most uh powerful moments through
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your healing journey that that you
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realized and that you would say were big
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pivotal changes that you got to
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experience as a result of sticking with
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it and i have to say that this girl
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sticks with it i mean she's a fighter
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and she did not quit and and things were
9:16
really hard at times in your own current
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life and you just kept at it and i just
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really applaud and commend you for
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staying with it because now you get to
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have this beautiful you know hero's
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journey to talk about and uh but would
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you share if there were any moments that
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are highlights for you as far as big
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changes that happened that you note like
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you can share yeah there's been so many
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there there's a lot of changes but the
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two that stick out to me one i think
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because we were talking about it earlier
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the you attract familiar kind of thing
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um after being divorced and spending
9:49
some time with myself i did venture out
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back out into the dating world and it
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was cool to meet somebody who i didn't
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know from anywhere i couldn't have
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predicted what his past was or or
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however but we met and i made a joke one
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time like "oh i should talk to my
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therapist about that." and he's like "oh
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yeah you know i go to therapy too." i'm
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like "wait you do?" and then being able
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to have conversations with somebody and
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say "i'm feeling overwhelmed right now
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can we circle back?" and you know
10:23
finding somebody who has such a hard
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past like i do but still has such a soft
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gentle kind heart and we are able to
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meet each other where we're at without
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chaos and turmoil and toxic and and
10:38
that's been a huge thing for me to be
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able to use the tools that i've learned
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and to see that they do work doesn't
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mean there doesn't come with problems
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what are some of them while you're
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talking about tools that are you know
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and i would say the emdr therapy itself
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changes the way your body reacts to
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stimulus in your environment and then
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the learning part is part of the talking
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that we do and it's the educational
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aspects of what might a better way be to
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support or to to pro uh to show up with
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your partner when this happens or when
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that happens and that learning all
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sticks and then you're able to pull from
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that bag of tools when when you need to
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but what are some things that you have
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learned that you that come to mind for
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you um are you like relationship wise
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sure i mean whatever it is it's been in
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a lot of a lot of my relationships like
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dating relationships um with the the guy
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that i'm dating it's we can i don't have
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to be so fearful of explaining my
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feelings i can say "hey you know this is
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scary for me but can i tell you
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something?" and he you know and he can
11:42
reply and i can ask "do you have the
11:44
space?" and he can do those things with
11:46
me as well i got a cute little message
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from him right before we started he i
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had sent him a tik tok and he said "i
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don't understand what you know what that
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meant." and i said "from my
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perspective." and i explained it and his
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response was "thank you for explaining
12:01
that to me now i can see your
12:02
perspective it's just a nice healthy
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conversation so adult right so adult and
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i've never been able you know and
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there's no um passive aggressive there's
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no underlying meanings that people
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aren't talking
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about yeah and it's just cool to be able
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to do that with somebody especially
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somebody i can relate to that has you
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know he he didn't have a great childhood
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either and to know that it's you people
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are capable of doing that and it's
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beautiful and so you're what i'm hearing
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you say is you're you attract someone
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who is more emotionally healthy because
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you are now more emotionally healthy and
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are more capable and competent in
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responding and reacting in relationship
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in a more mature way absolutely it's so
12:47
cool it it's like i started life all
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over again so i'm relearning a lot of
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things at 42 years old and it's nice to
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have somebody who has already done that
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work as well to be in that moment with
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me i don't feel responsible for having
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to try to teach him or ask him to learn
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these things and i don't feel like i'm
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uh alone in it which is so beautiful i
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love that tell us what you've learned
13:16
about self-care you know you talked
13:18
about being the oldest being the
13:19
caretaker if i may you were incredibly
13:22
overfunctioning for really everyone
13:24
around you and exhausted which is part
13:27
of why your body was shutting down when
13:28
i first met you it's like i have nothing
13:30
left in my my gas tank to move forward
13:32
with and it was all about learning i'm
13:35
worth slowing down i'm worth feeling
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healing and doing things to take care of
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myself talk to us about some of the
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things you've learned related to your
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own self-care habits and rituals i
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really tried to pour into myself in the
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beginning not fully knowing what i was
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doing but i was just seeking anything
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and everything to provide me comfort and
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so uh one of the my favorite things that
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i did for myself is i set up a
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meditation area for myself and um in
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that area some of my favorite things are
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i set up a mirror so i could sit in
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front of the mirror and i use that
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mirror to kind of journal on too i have
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some uh erasable markers and i'm able to
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write one of them was "it's not your
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fault." going back to my childhood that
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was not my fault and i can remember that
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and i have always had an issue with my
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looking at myself and seeing myself
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because i never truly felt like i knew
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who i was and it was difficult for me so
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it was one of the things that i did i
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just sit and look at myself and if i
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process emotions i can see how i'm
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processing those emotion i can connect
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with myself better so beautiful um i
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have my comfort list on that mirror so
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if i'm in a point where i can't think of
14:52
anything i can go to that list and say
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"okay jessica we can turn some music up
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loud we can go put our feet in the gr in
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the grass we you know here's these
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things to where i don't have to think i
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can just read and do." that's one of the
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favorite things but i did all kinds of
15:06
things yoga and breath work and
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self-help books and podcasts and
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anything you could think of i learned
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how to crochet
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right all kinds of things i love that
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and you know it's fun now you're you're
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at the phase of therapy right now where
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i would i would say it's almost a
15:23
checkup from the neck up you know if
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there's anything that's ailing we we
15:26
check in on it but for the most part you
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don't have high acuity you have a lot of
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resources that you pull from when things
15:31
get hard you're you report being proud
15:34
of yourself and how you showed up and
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that's so exciting you know when someone
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can come and say "here's what i did."
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and i'm like i don't have any feedback
15:41
for you like that's awesome you sound
15:44
like you you really nailed it and you
15:46
should be so proud of yourself those are
15:47
the moments where we know the work has
15:49
stuck and you've really been able to
15:50
pull forward all the skills and the the
15:52
things that you've meant to learn in
15:54
your in your journey so it is so cool
15:56
it's a cool place to be to have an
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emotion come up and think about it and
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say
16:03
i'm proud of myself for getting through
16:06
that or making the changes or whatever
16:09
and i can't tell you how many times i'm
16:11
driving and i get that rush of emotions
16:13
and and it immediately goes to i'm proud
16:15
and then i immediately go to
16:19
install and and strengthen those
16:21
positive networks i love that i love
16:23
that i mean you know the other day you
16:25
had said something you know an exchange
16:27
between one of your kids and the former
16:29
jessica would have really overfunctioned
16:31
and all this other stuff and i said and
16:33
you said i didn't and i said "wow that
16:35
must have been really hard." and how i
16:37
knew you were like so there what' you
16:40
say to me it wasn't as hard as i thought
16:43
as it used to be it wasn't it felt a lot
16:46
more peaceful another piece that i'd
16:49
like to mention is i have i have three
16:52
children two of my three children are in
16:55
emdr but one of them is not she's not
16:58
there yet and that's okay but just by me
17:02
doing the journey and they are cap or
17:05
have been able to see me make such
17:07
different choices and and react
17:09
differently before they were starting
17:11
their own therapy journey i even saw
17:14
them pick up habits and traits that i
17:16
was portraying to them through what i
17:18
was learning i always say that the most
17:21
beautiful gift we can give to our
17:22
children is is becoming well first yeah
17:25
the foundation of the home is so much
17:27
less rockier when we are stable humans
17:30
as parents and we do ch children do
17:32
learn what they see so our our coping
17:35
strategies the way we talk to ourselves
17:36
the way we show up when it comes to
17:39
self-care habits and how we attract and
17:41
allow people in our lives to treat us
17:43
all of that is is a lesson and so when
17:46
our kids can start to see a new lesson
17:49
that is the best best money spent yeah
17:51
for sure my kids always joke you know
17:53
how there's the britney 2007 they call
17:55
it the jessica 2016 i don't know why
17:58
2016 but that's what they call it that's
18:01
so funny some i have some clients that
18:03
will refer to themselves as like this is
18:04
jessica 2.0 like we're we're revi uh
18:07
we're uh revised but i i really think
18:09
it's it's going back to that original
18:11
self that you were always meant to be
18:14
before you had to layer up and armor up
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and wall up and and end up with all of
18:18
these adaptations and defenses that
18:20
served you because of the life that you
18:22
had but are not so useful when you're in
18:25
safety or when you're in choice and when
18:27
you can pick the relationships and the
18:29
place and the work and all the things
18:30
that you can do like the fact that you
18:31
have those choices now you don't need
18:33
all of those unfortunate or unhealthful
18:35
adaptations that are part of trauma
18:37
right and so the fact that you're
18:39
uncoupling those responses and now are
18:41
are selecting different options for
18:43
yourself is is where it's at i mean
18:45
that's awesome it's it's been quite a
18:47
journey really cool uh you are you are
18:50
something else and so cool of you to
18:52
want to share this so now that you would
18:54
you know we've reviewed treatment goals
18:55
now that you're at a place where you're
18:56
kind of like i've met most of my
18:58
treatment goals what do you think that
18:59
allows for you now and what is it that
19:01
you want to do with you know this
19:03
chapter next chapter it's been i've
19:05
thought about it a lot of what you know
19:08
what's next and i've always as you said
19:10
earlier i've always overfunction and my
19:12
worth had always been surrounding my
19:16
work because i was as i called myself a
19:18
serial entrepreneur i did lots of things
19:21
and based my worth solely on how much i
19:24
could function in a business and how
19:25
much money i could make right and that
19:28
wasn't healthy for me and there are some
19:31
things i'd like to circle back to that i
19:33
really truly loved in my old work but
19:36
right now i've come to terms with
19:39
releasing the pressure from myself i
19:41
have a 9-to-f5 which is new for me i
19:44
haven't had one of those in probably
19:45
almost 20 years and uh i have a house
19:49
that's nearly empty i'm almost an empty
19:52
neester i've still got a little bit of
19:54
time but i have time it feels like now i
19:57
have time you can exhale yeah and i
20:00
don't have to make big crazy decisions
20:03
right now because i'm okay and i'm safe
20:06
and i'm comfortable and i've it's okay
20:08
to be okay
20:10
which is a new thing too right there's
20:12
not i remember when you your nervous
20:14
system was pretty calm and you were just
20:15
like it's weird it's kind of boring i
20:19
don't really know what to do without all
20:20
the chaos and i'm like you'll get used
20:21
to it it's foreign at first but it will
20:23
be okay if you just embrace it and and
20:26
do what you can to own it i figured i
20:29
spent 42 years in survival mode i might
20:31
as well give myself some myself some
20:33
time to enjoy just the peace and just be
20:38
and just be not need to do or survive or
20:41
and know that i have things in my back
20:44
pocket that if i need to pull them out
20:46
to make something change in my world i
20:50
can but if i don't i'd lay my sword down
20:53
and i just get to be it gives me goose
20:55
yeah me too me too you're such a delight
20:58
to work with so how do you plan to
21:00
maintain all this progress that you've
21:01
made well i will be staying your client
21:05
for the rest of our lives
21:07
and and when it's time for us to part
21:09
ways you're going to be okay yeah i will
21:11
be i will that makes me a little
21:13
emotional to think about because i don't
21:15
i don't think i'm ready to leave yeah if
21:17
i'm any good you shouldn't leave me
21:18
forever i know i know i thoroughly enjoy
21:22
our sessions um it's nice to have
21:25
somebody to talk to that can appreciate
21:27
understand see you and hear you in the
21:30
moment that you're in regardless of
21:32
where it's at good or bad and and not
21:35
everybody can find that outside with
21:37
friends and family um i'm lucky to have
21:39
a few of those but i've also been very
21:41
lucky to have you yeah i always say that
21:43
the thank you for saying that the the
21:45
therapists were the accountability
21:46
partner you know you can't see your hair
21:49
so you don't in the back so you use a
21:51
hair cutter you don't try to cut it
21:53
yourself because you can't see it it's
21:54
like we can help you see your blind
21:55
spots and when you build that trust and
21:57
then you have someone to bounce things
21:59
off of and um once that trust is built i
22:02
can say hard things like that was a you
22:04
thing you might look at that you know
22:06
you might consider modifying that it
22:08
wasn't your kindest self or whatever and
22:10
i think that feedback is part of how we
22:12
can can course correct and hold
22:14
ourselves to a nice high standard and uh
22:17
i think for me that's thing that i
22:19
always have believed in and i will
22:20
continue to see my therapist as well not
22:22
because there's any high acuity but
22:24
because i just want to continue to
22:25
calibrate and optimize the machine and
22:27
make sure that i'm showing up the best
22:29
that i can so i believe in that as well
22:32
what advice or thoughts do you have that
22:34
you can share with our viewers maybe
22:35
somebody's listening and they're like
22:37
thought about it i want to get therapy
22:39
or what words of wisdom do you have to
22:41
share
22:42
um emdr i i can't i'm not a sugar coder
22:46
emdr is hard but when you take a look at
22:50
it what's harder digging in digging deep
22:53
and figuring it out for for the outcome
22:56
of peace and uh no more survival mode
23:00
and a different way or continuing to do
23:04
hard right because life if if you're
23:07
thinking about emdr life is already hard
23:09
right you know so we we can take the
23:12
easy or the hard way out i tend to take
23:15
the hard path
23:18
um but that worked for me because i did
23:21
eat i don't know maybe
23:24
but i think it it's an investment in
23:26
yourself and even if you can't see or
23:29
feel that you're worth that investment
23:32
you are and if it if you just have to
23:34
believe it for now to get through it i
23:36
mean i'm the testament to it uh one of
23:40
probably many but i would risk analysis
23:44
if there's people who do risk analysis i
23:47
mean it it it it is hard you don't want
23:49
to open up all those wounds or those
23:51
things that you've shoved down but you i
23:53
know for myself i also wanted to get
23:56
through them and get past them because i
23:59
knew there was something better i didn't
24:00
know what i would have never guessed
24:02
this would have been the outcome because
24:04
i've never felt that before and now i
24:06
can when you say this it's just what the
24:09
the i can sit here and do this and be
24:12
nervous and i don't have that butterfly
24:16
tearing me apart you know just or i can
24:19
be more comfortable being myself and
24:22
talking to people in a way that serves
24:24
me and not have to walk away and regret
24:27
or shame myself or think you know oh
24:30
gosh i shouldn't have i shouldn't have
24:32
said that i shouldn't have shared my
24:34
feelings you know and things like that i
24:37
think everybody should do emdr i agree
24:39
but you know i always tell my clients
24:42
like listen i'm not selling you anything
24:43
that i don't totally drink the kool-aid
24:45
about like i'd have a podcast about it i
24:47
everybody in my family they do it if
24:48
they're you know it's it's really
24:50
important i mean because it changed my
24:51
life too and um having the beautiful
24:55
honor of getting to walk the path for
24:57
with others on their healing journey is
25:00
really just such a just a blessing for a
25:02
career choice so do you have anything
25:04
else you want to share before we part
25:05
ways today i will say one last thing
25:07
having you walk beside me i didn't think
25:10
i was i thought i was going to be a lot
25:11
more emotional than this
25:14
um talking about it and i just now
25:17
started to get emotional um what
25:19
happened that made you i appreciate you
25:24
and the space you held for
25:28
me and being hard on me when i needed it
25:31
and i appreciate that so don't don't
25:33
ever guilt yourself for being hard on
25:35
your client oh i don't i might get fired
25:37
but i don't guilt myself um and the
25:39
patience and the you always seemed to
25:42
know what i needed at the right times
25:45
and that's such a gift to have and to be
25:48
able to give to people and i can't thank
25:51
you enough i know that i did the work
25:53
but you were the one facilitating it and
25:55
you helped me through it and it was it
25:58
has been the best thing i've ever done
26:01
for me and my family appreciate you it's
26:04
been an honor it's been an honor get me
26:06
choked up um as you can see she is a
26:10
just a joy to work with and so thank you
26:12
so much for sharing and your courage um
26:15
with all of these viewers hopefully they
26:17
get something good out of it um i just
26:20
you know it's funny as a therapist we we
26:22
have to be really cautious and not do
26:24
anything to exploit our clients and we
26:27
can't have dual relationships and all of
26:28
these things and and when a client comes
26:30
to you and says "this is something i
26:32
want to do for me so that i can help
26:33
others." we we can really weigh that and
26:37
and saying no to something like that
26:38
could actually be more damaging than
26:40
helpful and so you know we talked about
26:43
it and you know i said if you ever
26:44
change your mind i'll just pull it right
26:46
off the internet like we don't need to
26:47
this is completely about you and
26:48
whatever you want for your journey so
26:50
but what an honor and a gift that you've
26:52
been to to my life but also to your
26:55
family's lives and now to so many
26:56
viewers who get to see this episode so
26:59
thank you so much for being here you are
27:00
just a gift and if you are looking for
27:03
an emdr therapist we have um resources
27:06
on our website you can go to emdria.org
27:08
and find somebody in your area but i
27:11
really thank you for being here today i
27:13
hope that you gleaned something for it
27:14
and if you're thinking about getting
27:16
your own therapy go through it you will
27:18
only regret not doing it sooner and so
27:20
thank you again for tuning in and until
27:22
we meet again don't forget to lead with
27:24
love it'll never steer you wrong
27:27
[Music]
27:40
heat
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