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How to Parent During Divorce: Ways to Minimize Damage
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode is a must-watch for anyone going through or considering a divorce. Special guest Dianne Sullivan, a trauma-informed lawyer breaks down the legal process while also addressing the emotional challenges that come with it. Whether you're just starting out or deep in the process, this video offers compassionate, expert advice to help you navigate divorce with your mental and emotional well-being in mind. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone I'm Kell ooro and this is adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thank you so much for tuning in to adaptable today uh we are going to talk about a hard topic but an important
0:19
topic and that is how to minimize the damage and the trauma when divorcing and
0:25
that's going to be related to adults but primarily we're going to talk about children and how to hopefully mitigate
0:32
some of the damage that we inadvertently do even when we're trying very hard to be good parents uh and give you some of
0:37
the tips and uh tricks to perhaps avoid some of that damage uh I've got with me
0:43
today Diane Sullivan she is a family law attorney she specializes in collaborative divorce mediation and has
0:50
an extensive uh additional training in trauma which I find uh would be an amazing skill set for all attorneys to
0:57
have because this topic is traumatic in nature so Diane please introduce yourself and thank you so much for being
1:02
here well thank you for all those accolades um yes as you said my name is Diane I'm an attorney been an attorney
1:08
for approximately 25 years um I'm a former domestic violence prosecutor I am
1:14
trained in collaborative law trained in mediation um yeah and have been practicing family law for for quite some
1:20
time my uh undergraduate degree is in Behavioral Sciences and as an attorney I
1:26
I reached a point where I felt that I would better serve clients if I sort of sought out some more mental health
1:33
skills and Mental Health Training and how can I continue to assist clients by being able to meet them where they're at
1:39
in their process and you've been such a tremendous advocate in your field because I've even presented on trauma
1:45
and damage that you know the adverse childhood experiences study which I have
1:50
another show talking more deeply about that but but uh divorce always causes
1:56
trauma and would per put a person's ases score at one right out the gate and that's if you do everything well and so
2:03
I appreciate that you take special interest in this topic I think it's really important um just as an aside if
2:09
you're more interested in divorce collaborative divorce and mediation we do have another show um with Diane about
2:15
that topic if you want to dig in and learn a little bit more about that but this show specifically about children uh
2:20
mostly and how to mitigate some of that damage so thank you so much for for being here absolutely and and on that
2:27
topic can you tell us a little bit about know I I've decided I'm not going to work out with my spouse how do I want to
2:33
approach this with my children if this is the decision that's been made what's the best way to to start this process
2:40
when it comes to our kids well in a perfect world that is done in a therapeutic mental health um setting um
2:48
if the child has a therapist you can lean on the child's therapist to help you in that process um even if you or
2:54
one or both of the parents has a therapist at minimum you can get some input from that mental health provider
3:00
about what is the best way for me to approach my children all else fails you don't have those kind of resources or there's no Mental Health Services on
3:07
board it should be a discussion between the parents and the children they should
3:12
not be hearing it from just one parent right so everybody needs to be there together yes so that it is a family
3:19
discussion and a family decision um and and of course to to you know parents
3:25
always I shouldn't say always parents often say you know we love you it's not your fault it's just that we don't get
3:32
along and things like that but inadvertently especially if the children are really really young they will
3:38
personalize the decision had I just been better they wouldn't be splitting up and so it's really hard for children to not
3:44
have that be the the internal dialogue that is made up about themselves when it comes to the disillusion of their family
3:50
yes and I've seen it over and over I personally my folks split when I was 12 um that you know was single-handedly the
3:58
the uh the most traumatic thing I ever went through growing up which you know and some would say what a what a
4:04
blessing for you but it it destroyed me you know I go from a Leave it to Beaver story to just all of a sudden I lose one
4:10
parent because we move States I mean everything was just really treacherous so had had this kind of information been
4:16
around I I have a feeling you know my parents love me I don't think they would have done it this way had they known
4:21
better you know when we do when we know better we do better so I'm again this show is an important topic because 50%
4:27
of people divorce and so those statistics are not in favor of this not being part of our potential future and
4:33
outcome and so if this is where where people are dealing with um you know this
4:39
life change hopefully they they do what they need to to find the resources to at
4:45
least do it more informed for sure okay so how can parents best protect their
4:50
children's mental health when they are going through this process what do you suggest well I mean I always recommend
4:56
to people who are going through divorce get your your child if they don't have a therapist already in with the therapist
5:01
that's going to give that child um a safe space to be able to express themselves to be able to give I had one
5:09
therapist call it once Tools in a toolbox and I thought it was such a great analogy give that child that toolbox goes with them everywhere
5:15
because it's up here give them a tool to where if they're in a situation and they're feeling really overwhelmed because now they have to live in two
5:22
households they have a a good way to handle that and or you know be able to advocate for themselves um make sure
5:29
children know their only role is to be a child you know they're not your confident they don't have to fix
5:35
anything between you and Dad their only role is to be children and it's up to you as parents to be parents and don't
5:42
be you know sending messages back and forth with your children you know things that are you it's just an example but
5:48
there are a lot of things that as parents we sometimes just don't think before doing and you really just have to
5:54
be more mindful of what your children are going through you know that you get to live in one house even after a
6:00
divorce your children now have to live in two houses so how do we avoid putting our kids in the middle because this is
6:06
something that I see in nearly every single divorce situation and co-parenting situation where I find the
6:13
parents even when they're trying pretty hard they will mistakenly put their kids in the middle so what are some of the
6:18
ways that you see kids being put in the middle during this process it's hard I'm I still guilty of doing it myself
6:24
because my my youngest is now 17 and how much easier is it to say hey can you tell your dad this rather than me taking
6:30
the time to call her dad or send him a text so it's just just sometimes as parents we don't think you know so it's
6:38
it's keeping in mind that even just innocuous things like that hey tell tell
6:44
your dad or your mom this now your kids are like even if it's subconscious yeah
6:49
it's like well what if I get it wrong I mean what what what if I tell them the wrong thing what if I don't do it right it's like that's not their job right you
6:55
know so you just have to really be mindful of you know keeping in mind that your child only job is to be a child
7:01
right that's it the other thing that I have seen that is really toxic is parents who talk to their child about
7:09
the um egregious behavior of the other parent and I see this not just in divorce but I see it in homes that are
7:14
not divided or not split up where we we are creating an alignment with a child like you saw what he did you know how he
7:21
is we and those things and I think that people don't realize how damaging that is for children whether they're 2 years
7:26
old or they're 22 years old or they're 80 2 years old if you're talking about the parent in a disparaging way even if
7:34
they've seen it they understand the behavior of their parent when when that parent is talking about them in a
7:40
negative way you're they're inadvertently saying half of you is like this yes and I don't think they
7:47
recognize that's the message that they're saying to their children you know part of you half of who you are as
7:53
a person carries traits that I just despise and I'm going to hear I'm I'm here to remind you of that and I don't
7:58
think people people understand how subconsciously that is so damaging to a child they don't it really is I have
8:05
that talk with parents all the time I said look you know deep down in your heart of hearts that your ex-husband
8:10
ex-wife loves this child and you know that if they knew the damage they were
8:17
doing they wouldn't do it right what about parentification give me some examples about how you see that for
8:23
those of you who don't know parentification is where a child is inadvertently put in a role to be like
8:28
the other child or parentified in the experience so like in mine my mom didn't do this to me on purpose but I saw her
8:35
as such a victim in her divorce and I took on a role of trying to kind of be her partner and she didn't ever tell me
8:42
to do that but she also didn't really stop me from doing some of the things that I did that were really trying to
8:48
replace my dad in in a sense because I saw the Gap and so well he's missing so
8:54
let me go ahead and try to pick up those pieces and I wasn't really told not to do those things I was I became like
9:01
joined with her and then we became more partners and allies as opposed to me staying in that one down child position
9:06
and again it was not on purpose but that's that's an example of what parentification looks like so is that something you see uh often or and what
9:14
do you do to call attention to it yeah I mean I I see it often it's it's a little more common when children are older also
9:20
a little bit more common when one parent has a really good close relationship with with that child and again it's just
9:27
a matter of first of all good mental health services really help with that because as parents we we don't it doesn't come with a manual I have
9:33
children and I don't always get it right and a lot of times we don't realize that's what we're doing we're hurting
9:38
too you know so it's it's it's a lot of mindfulness it's a lot of make sure you are putting
9:47
keeping your child in their Lane as child it's not their job to make you feel better it's not their job to fix
9:54
anything about your situation you know it's not their job to help parent the other children because now you've lost
10:00
your partner yes right yes so this is where good mental health services really really can help because most parents
10:07
don't realize this is what they're doing and don't realize it's detrimental right um you know another thing that I see
10:14
with kids being put in the middle or or whatnot is can be a source of manipulation so in other words we talked
10:21
in our other show about aligning with the sort of favored parent and how often times a a parent might
10:29
certainly whether intentionally or not manipulate their child against the other other parent even if they're not abusive
10:36
or even if they're not um you know and when I say abusive that they might hold different Vantage points about what
10:42
abuse looks like but if but if a court and our law says this isn't abusive it might not be ideal parenting right but
10:49
we can inadvertently align against that parent uh un unintentionally so do you
10:55
see that and what do you advise when you see that from you know the potentially what I would called the manipulative
11:00
parent aligning against the other parent I I do see that quite a bit unfortunately and if I if that person is
11:06
my client I again refer them to good mental health services and I tell them you are risking the court changing your
11:14
parenting time order in such a way where you your your role is significantly reduced you may go from an equal time
11:21
schedule to maybe you only get to see your child five hours a week once a week MH because the court is now put in a
11:28
position where if you're not going to change that behavior right and be part of the solution okay maybe we need to talk
11:34
about now that child maybe going and living with the other parent is this what's meant by creating a loyalty
11:40
conflict or is that something different so is there more to say about that well I mean and again A lot of times this is
11:45
done and it's not done purposefully you know if you are if your child sees you
11:50
as constantly upset or you're crying every time they the child has to go see their other parent that child's now
11:56
feeling this this loyalty to you in a way of well I can't even have a good
12:02
time at my other parents house where I certainly can't tell that parent I'm having a good time because they're going
12:09
feel bad I'm betraying them oh wow and that's all on a subconscious level right
12:14
so what do we need to be saying when let's say we are the favored parent what do we need to be saying to our child
12:20
before we drop them off at their their at our ex's parenting time yeah I mean just a lot of affirmation you know I
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mean you're going to have a fun time at your other parents house if it's you know if they are really truly upset
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about going for some reason it's like you know you know set up a phone call you know I when children are really
12:37
little I always call it sleeps because I would always uh uh usually like check days on a calendar that that visual
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tended to be good with younger children you know two more sleeps you know and then you'll be back at Mom's house but I
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mean just anything you can do to encourage them that you're okay that they're going to be okay because
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children are okay if you're okay the reason why they're not okay is because they're worried about you right and and
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they can adjust they're resilient and so if we encourage that they can they you know I know Dad does it different than
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me I know you know and that's okay and and and I know that you like the way I do it better but it just doesn't matter
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we have to be resilient we have to be adaptable we have to do you know we have to do it the way they want it done when
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it's their turn because they're your parent too exactly and sometimes what I would do with my own children is I would
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you know sort of in an age appropriate way sort of let them know what my plans were while they were gone now if I was going to see a friend if I was going you
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do anity so they knew that I was not sitting around the home upset you're going to have fun with your dad I'm
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going to have fun over here and I'll see you in two days right great and what do you think about contact with the
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alternate parent while like what do you think is what have you seen from the legal standpoint that's been the best
13:48
when you know I'm not with my mom I'm with my dad he's it's his parenting time
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what do you recommend related to how we we communicate right I mean I've seen it on both sides you know I've seen that
14:00
what we call the non-custodial parent um really abuse that to where they're calling the other child 10 times and
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it's what about texting yeah I mean again everything should just be reasonable right you
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should be able to reach out to your child hey how was school hey what do you have for dinner hey what are your plans
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to my taste Friday what are your plans you know to you should be able to do that you know but it shouldn't be a situation where it's being used for a
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manipulative purpose you know again now the child's going to feel bad that Mom is or dad is texting me 10 times while
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I'm at the other parents house so what I usually recommend um when clients ask me
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what's appropriate what should be my parenting plan that if it's a day that you haven't seen your child like if you're exchanging on a Wednesday and
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Thursday is your first day without your child you should be able to have a phone call MH you know you should be able to text whenever you want check like a day
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end check-in yeah yeah exactly but not constantly throughout the day messaging yes because it's then interfering with
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the other parents parenting time now they're not getting that quality time that you just enjoyed well and they don't get a chance to build some
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connection and loyalty because the the child inadvertently is reaching out to
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the opposite parent when it's not their time to be the parent to be reached out to so it pushes the you know not having
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communication all day long will likely lead them toward needing to reach out to the parent that is meant to be the one
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to be talked to that day you know and it gives them a chance to build connection and relationship so I can see where that
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can be really disruptive uh if if the parents don't set firmer boundaries around that and it is sometimes just a
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matter of Education you know if I see people really struggling with that um and they already have their own mental
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health provider I normally refer them to co-parenting counseling you know and it's just it's one it's one mental
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health professional and that's done together and so people who are in the same room it can be done remotely but it's just getting them on the same page
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about rules and boundaries and that that that makes a light and day a night and day difference for people who are
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struggling so what are some things that parents can look out for let's talk about that related to emotional distress
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in their children while going through this process of separation or divorce or or whatnot I mean one thing to you know
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Market changes in behavior um you know if your child is really becoming you know withdrawn or or Sullen and and
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won't talk to you won't talk to one of the parents you have to keep in mind too that it's not necessarily the other
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parents fault it is your child is now going from a on house to a two house
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life and it's a big shift and it's traumatic just like the divorce is traumatic for you I forgot my soccer
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shoes I left my retainer now there's all this anxiety around even just packing to shift spaces and things like so it's a
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learning curve and it's you know I know it it it's difficult to talk about your sun to be ex spouse about these things
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but I found that people who are able to put their children and their children's needs first they the best in the entire
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process so how can parents be mindful and put into action things that would
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ultimately reduce the stress and the trauma of their children children if they have to go through that what are some things that you recommend I mean
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they are simple things like there should be a minimal amount of shuttling of things going back and forth I get it if
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your kid plays lacrosse you're not buying two sets of Lacrosse equipment cuz it's expensive but shoes clothes the
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basics that you should have a set of everything at each house so there's minimum going back and forth so it's not
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like oh no I forgot my soccer cleats or you know whatever because then again now your child is anxious to even tell you
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cuz now you're going to be mad and then your other parents going to be mad if they have to come and bring the things over so why your children should have
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the accountability and the responsibility to you know begin to learn and curve they are not going to get it right every time you know so it's
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having some Grace for your children and that's that's well think about how stressful it is even just to pack for a
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vacation you know if this kid has to do this every single week you want to minimize the amount that that's put on
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expensive but you know divorce is expensive yes for sure so what are some other things uh let's let's talk about
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introducing of new partners or new boyfriends and girlfriends what recommend there I usually recommend get
18:03
through your divorce process first you know I mean because you here here it is is the nuclear family's just now been
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fractured and before that's even cold or settled now there's a there's a
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potential new partner stepar whatever being introduced to the children I don't
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recommend it um you know and it's not necessarily that you have to even talk to the other parent first I mean if you
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have a good relationship that's great but I mean at minimum there need needs to be a discussion of okay there's
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another person in my life I'm I'm going to introduce them to our child and you know that there's just some buyin and
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some something because that's only going to benefit your child and I always say the more people that love a child the
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better so a new significant other in and of itself is not bad well and I think that something that gets confused often
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times is if someone feels betrayed like let's say I get divorced and my partner ends up with someone else sooner than I
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have grieved over the loss of this experience I take this really personally like Not only was I not enough to stay
19:07
married to I have you know my own sense of loss and grief over that and the shame and whatever else not enough that
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are running around in my own head and now this other person is introduced to you know in in that I think often times
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children can feel like they're betraying their parent when in fact that choice had nothing to do with the child and
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nothing to do with the new partner either or and really nothing to do with the old partner yes and that's the thing
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that I think that gets confused for a lot of people it's like we have made a decision to to separate to move on now
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those choices are that person's Cho like those are not those are no longer my choice I cannot determine or choose when
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my partner will or won't introduce you know a new person into my children's lives keep in mind your children cannot
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move on right your children cannot move on and think about being in your child's shoes you dad and you just started
20:00
Living separate and apart from Mom and your child has not even really gotten used to that yet and now there's another
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just female figure it's confusing it's stressful and it's what if children are
20:12
really young it's even more damaging because it's like now I have attachment fractures with my own parent and then
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I'm meant to try to connect with this new person and so my advice to people is is wait a good long time before they are
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now involved and they can heal from their first ATT fractur before their it doesn't mean that you can't have a
20:32
significant other it doesn't mean your child can't know about your significant other but they don't have to have a
20:37
relationship with your significant other quickly right I think it's about slowing down and not for the benefit of um not
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not putting first the benefit of self and what's easiest you know and and most comfortable for me but what is going to
20:51
be the longstanding impact on my children based on how fast I go and do these things Children First yeah and
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ideally so what about boundaries and a structure consistency I mean as a as a mental
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health professional I know that the more consistency structure and boundaries and
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clarification of expectations is always best but we find that that is not always even the same in the same home so what
21:17
do you what do you recommend when it comes to being in two different homes and you know Dad Dad does it this way
21:23
Mom does it this way how do we navigate that yeah it's tough and it's a lot of trial and error um as far as the
21:29
consistency of of sort of that custody arrangement goes I recommend people try to get that piece in place first figure
21:36
out what kind of a schedule you're going to do if it's going to be a week on a week off great start it stick with it
21:42
consistently as much as you're able if you have really small children that you know say can't read and don't know
21:47
whether they're coming or going when my son was little and couldn't read and it was causing him a lot of anxiety just
21:52
not knowing what else am I going to be in today I got him a calendar and even though he couldn't read he knew pink and
21:58
he knew blue and I would put little pink and blue x's on there and he could count so we would count how many sleeps here
22:04
and then were going to be this many sleeps at Dad's and once he knew where he was going to be he probably settled down his anxiety went way down so that's
22:11
the easiest piece to start with and as far as you know rules and way you do things like you said that a lot of that
22:18
exists even when you were together you know and just know Mom and Dad time and
22:23
screen time and all the different boundaries around I mean it's always best that there's some consistently see
22:28
that you're at least in the same realm with those things but even if you're not you know that's not necessarily bad that
22:35
things are done two different ways as long as there's clarification by both parents to the child okay this is how it
22:41
works here and here's why yeah and that the other parent knows this is how it works here they don't have to agree with
22:48
it but they at least have to recognize that's the way Mom does it and you're going to support that in Mom's house but
22:53
we do it different here right yeah and I think that's really important because it's hard for people to make that it it
22:59
is I'm really glad that you mentioned that because it is it is the source of so much contention within divorce you
23:04
know well Dad doesn't do it this way and he lets me that or you're me you're the mean one because he lets me stay up late
23:09
and it's like I totally get that dad doesn't have the same uh beliefs around bedtime but but when you're with me this
23:16
is what we're going to do because these are the reasons I value this and that's okay Dad can do it differently it's okay
23:21
for Dad to choose it to do it differently and I know that's confusing for and you cannot agree with the other
23:26
partner but you can have their back you may not agree with the Bedtime thing be like no you know what this is the way we
23:32
do it here you need to respect that that's the way Dad does it you need to respect that and you can pull dad aside
23:37
and be like hey can we talk about this cuz you know and maybe you reach a resolution maybe you don't you don't
23:42
have to see eye to eye but that's your child's parent you should respect that
23:48
and I think that that is the message that so many parents miss you need to respect what your dad's wishes were
23:53
related to that because he's your father yes you may not want to go you know do this errand or go to the baseball game
24:01
or whatever those things are but he he has arranged for that to be what you're going to do and you need to respect that
24:06
and go along because he's your dad and you know same same in the other homes so I think that's really important that the
24:12
messaging is in alignment with respecting the other parent even when chosen when we choose to do things and
24:18
it creates consistency for your children your children will know right out of the gate so to speak that oh I can't go and
24:25
complain to Mom and Mom is going to call Dad and things are going to change that that's not going to work so you will see
24:30
that behavior significantly diminish if you two just sort of stand your ground and support the other parent and and the
24:37
emotional support that's needed you know I think that it's saying I Know It's
24:42
upsetting for you that it is that way but you're you're going to be okay and you need to go along and get along and
24:47
then you'll be back in a few days and and this is how we're going to do it and and I think that that is often times
24:53
missing when co-parenting and they can vent and be heard with their own therapist yeah so making sure again
24:59
circling back again the best decision you can make is the therapist and then that therapist can add be used and and I
25:05
know we do this a lot here as kind of an a neutral third party to say hey mom dad
25:11
here's what I'm seeing here's what it's doing here's what it's creating and here's what I need for you guys to play
25:16
more fairly in the sandbox so that it's not negatively impacting your child clients ask me that all the time what can I do in the situation that Dad or
25:23
Mom is doing this like have you talked to child's therapists yet when there's a therapist I said they will tell you if
25:28
one of you needs to do something different and then you can either choose to show up or not right and then we have
25:34
to look at ourselves and go I might be part of the problem if I don't change the environment that's hard for people
25:40
to do a they not do their own work you know we have to look my part of the
25:45
equation and in conflict and rupture so I think that that's that's really I think the most important topic about
25:51
today is like getting on the same page enough and getting and getting the
25:57
messaging to about respect for the other parent regardless of if you can't stand them yes regardless yes because they are
26:04
your children and they need to be first and their parent is not going away yeah and you're not always going to get it right have some Grace for yourself this
26:11
doesn't come with a manual you know we're all just doing the best we can but you can't change that behavior if you
26:17
don't know what it causes and so it's why I I I try to do this with clients
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I'll talk to anybody who asks me about this is the impact it can have on your children I always tell clients I I'm
26:28
your I'm your child's attorney right I said I'm always going to think love that I'm your child's attorney you know you
26:33
guys are getting divorced but I'm going to be looking out for your child that's awesome and I say the same thing when I work with kids I'm like you know what
26:39
I'm your child's therapist I cannot be aligned with your agenda I have to get them where they want to go based on the
26:47
goals that you said keeping in mind I'm a mother keeping in mind I have children and I understand the pressure and the
26:52
overwhelm that happens related to being a parent and if we want to get these changes to happen we need to get in in
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line with what the kid is seeing experiencing feeling otherwise we're going to miss a whole lot and that's our
27:03
responsibility so another thing that i' I've seen a lot of is uh conflict uh with the other parent in front of the
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child so what kind of damage do you think that does yeah I mean that to me
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is the biggest no-brainer but again we don't always get it right there's an exchange one parent says something the
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other parents had a long day and you know when fires off a you know a py remark we're not always going to get it
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right you know I said but one thing I at least try to teach my own children is being accountable you know I remember
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one time my you know my son actually called me out on something like that and you know and told me you you know you said this and you did that and I went
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again shame sandwich I'm like you know what yeah I did that I owe your father an apology and I called his father right
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in front of him and you know and said you know what I I said that before and that that wasn't cool and Conor brought
27:53
it to my attention he's not wrong so I owe an apology and here it is and so not only
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but you know not only so am I did I mend that Rift in our co-parenting relationship I go but I've just now
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taught my son what it means to be accountable well and you probably built some trust with your ex about here's how
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I want us to show up about one another in front of our child and here's here's my efforts to do that yeah which I think
28:18
is is really great for sure yeah yeah can you tell me a little bit about the differences that uh children exper how
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how how children of different ages are a development stages experience divorce yeah I mean overall most people think it
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that the the little children suffer the most and older children it's going to be easier because they're older in my
28:39
experience it's usually the exact opposite especially teenage children are more like they they tend to take it very
28:44
personally and because you know teenagers are you know right you know are focused a lot on themselves you know
28:49
it's a lot of how dare you how dare you mess up my life my senior year of high school with with with this you know but
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I found that younger children are so resilient and if you can demonstrate to
29:00
them that hey I'm okay as the parent this is kind of what we're we're doing for now around kids are like okay an
29:06
adventure you know I mean so so kids are so neuroplastic and if you with that consistency and showing your children
29:13
that yeah this is okay and you're going to your dad's house or you're going to your mom's house and it's okay and they
29:19
just grow up where that's their new Norm you know and I mean they're adaptable and they're resilient of course that's
29:25
considering we do all of these things that we're talking about today to the best of our abilities to minimize the
29:31
upheaval and the and the disjointed non-structure and non-c consistency so I would say I I would agree with that all
29:38
things being equal all things being equal if we if we consider those things um you know before we wrap up have you
29:44
had a dream case that you're just like this is the way to do divorce to minimize the damage of children oh yes
29:51
um the best way is we talked about it in our in our other episode is collaborative divorce you know you take
29:56
the the adversity you take the court you take everything that makes a divorce nasty out of that process you actually
30:04
have a child specialist That's on your team that is helping you write your parenting plan that you can ask
30:09
questions of what we know how how do we do this what you know what what should we do as far as this goes and there's
30:15
also usually a communication coach helping you to communicate better as a parent helping you communicate better
30:21
with your child what do I do when my child ask me this communication coach and child specialist can help with that
30:26
get experts who who know better because they exactly so you leave that process you can either leave it with just the piece of paper that the judge signs or
30:33
you can leave with the piece of paper with a better co-parenting relationship with your now ex spouse and a parenting
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plan that's actually written for you and for your children and for your lives
30:44
ideal ideal and cheaper cheaper and quicker right all those things are in in
30:50
benefit for everyone involved yes so the last thing I want to talk about is just
30:55
how do we make sure as the parents that we take take care of our own mental health because if we can't put our oxygen mask on first we're not going to
31:02
have anything left for the people around us what suggestions do you have you know and it's so counterintuitive you know because at least I don't know about you
31:08
but I was raised of you know you do everything for family and your children first and I I have to try to teach clients that it's a it it's a shift it's
31:16
a shift to realize that the only way you can show up and be the best mom the best
31:22
therapist the best lawyer the best anything is if you are putting yourself first and putting care of yourself first
31:28
so I teach clients mean especially if they don't have resources for for good mental health services I make them go to
31:34
yoga I make them meditate I make them do just little find those things on the internet yes just little tiny things
31:40
that they can do for themselves so they are showing up to be better parents awesome well I know this is a hard
31:47
conversation I know that a lot of times people do not want to hear some of the things they may or may not be doing well
31:52
or right but again if we know better we can do better so I really respect and appre appreciate your cander and your
32:00
wisdom yes it's been a pleasure to have you here and again for not the funnest topic but unfortunately a un necessary
32:06
conversation to have so thank you again for being here um I appreciate all of your attention I hope that you found
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this helpful if you are going through this time of your life with a divorce uh again putting your children first is the
32:18
is the major takeaway and getting some experts to help you better understand what that is because you're going
32:23
through trauma yourself and it's really hard not to see through uh the eyes of others when you're going through your
32:29
own pain so please get the supports and and whatnot that will help serve you and get you through this process in a better
32:36
way so thank you so much I appreciate your time and until we meet again don't forget to lead with love it'll never
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steer you wrong [Music]
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