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Boundaries 101
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Boundaries play a crucial role in maintaining healthy and balanced relationships. Boundaries help us define the limits and expectations within a relationship and help individuals understand their own needs and protect their personal well-being. There are many different levels to boundaries that effect all different aspects to our life. This episode will help you understand these boundaries and more! I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/ Register for Kelly's Boundaries 101 Class - https://www.eventbrite.com/e/759148372217?aff=oddtdtcreator
View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone I'm kellyo horo and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thanks for tuning in today I
0:14
am appreciate you being here and we're
0:16
going to talk about boundaries so what's
0:19
the buzz about boundaries quite frankly
0:22
in a Counseling Practice boundaries is
0:24
the topic that comes up on almost every
0:26
single session failure to set boundaries
0:29
failure to know what boundaries you need
0:32
failure to understand how to implement
0:34
them are typically at the root of why
0:37
people struggle with resentment why they
0:39
feel unseen why they don't know how to
0:42
express what they need and sometimes why
0:45
they end up putting everybody else
0:46
before them and so it's important to
0:49
talk about the truth of boundaries
0:51
because a lot of people are using that
0:53
word incorrectly there's been a lot of
0:56
Buzz around boundaries on social media
0:58
around uh how it's so important to set
1:01
them but when I hear people use that
1:03
word they're actually misusing it
1:06
they're talking about walls they're not
1:08
talking about boundaries so it's
1:10
important to understand that if if a
1:12
person does something that prohibits
1:16
connection it's a wall boundaries are a
1:19
pathway to intimacy and connection there
1:21
has to be a way in there has to be
1:24
access to relationship and to connection
1:27
boundaries say the way that you can be
1:29
in healthy relationship with me is by
1:31
following this set of Standards rules or
1:33
expectations for what's okay with me and
1:36
what's not okay with me boundaries are
1:38
limits or guidelines that people need to
1:40
establish to Define their personal space
1:44
protect emotional well-being and
1:46
maintain healthy balance between
1:48
themselves and others boundaries say
1:51
here's where I end and here's where you
1:53
begin and I'm clear that those are
1:55
different and that we're not connected
1:57
at this in the same space and that goes
2:00
for the whole lifespan we really need to
2:03
understand that our own uh Health
2:05
depends on the awareness of our
2:07
individual selves and our autonomy and
2:09
what we need to do in order to make sure
2:11
the space that we live in is healthy so
2:14
boundaries help people dis distinguish
2:16
their own thoughts their feelings their
2:19
desires from those of others so when we
2:22
get into relationships we tend to fall
2:25
into some patterns that help us maintain
2:27
connection and depending on our history
2:30
and our family stories we might be poor
2:32
at setting boundaries we might we might
2:35
not know how to identify what it is that
2:37
we feel or what we need and if we
2:40
struggle there there's a high likelihood
2:42
with that we also struggle with
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asserting ourselves and so that means
2:46
expressing what we need oftentimes
2:48
people who've been in homes where
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there's one or more controlling parent a
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a child will learn how to be passive
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they will learn to stay small they'll
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start to develop the thoughts and
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feelings that say mind needs and
3:00
feelings don't matter there's too much
3:02
chaos around me and so what I need or
3:04
want needs to stay small and so I stay
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passive I don't communicate I don't
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express myself and oftentimes I end up
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kind of dmed and so I learn a pattern of
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communication that's passive and as
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opposed to assertive which is the
3:17
healthiest form of communication and as
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a result boundaries kind of get dis
3:22
acknowledged they don't get discussed
3:25
people who don't learn how to set
3:26
boundaries or the failure to set
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boundaries over time results in
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resentment in hurt feelings and an
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inability to feel important and express
3:35
that I am equally important as you are
3:38
in the world and so part of what's
3:41
important is that we learn how to
3:43
express our needs and our preferences in
3:45
our
3:46
relationships there's several categories
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of boundaries the obvious ones are
3:50
physical boundaries right these
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boundaries Define the personal space
3:55
that are around our individual body and
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it dictates how close we're okay being
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to others and how the proximity in our
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space affects us you know it's funny
4:05
because the me too movement came around
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and a lot of people started saying yes I
4:10
never said anything I don't know why I
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never said anything you know I remember
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feeling passive and quiet in moments for
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example around physical boundaries in my
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early years after I finished my
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bachelor's degree I became a flight
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attendant and I can remember being on
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planes with sometimes with passengers
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and sometimes with Pilots where they
4:30
would touch me as they were moving by
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and I had a sense that they weren't
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touching me to just acknowledge a
4:36
placement so that I would scoot there
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was a sense of like I'm I'm putting my
4:40
hands on you in a way so that I can feel
4:42
your body and I was so passive in those
4:45
years because I didn't want to upset
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anybody I didn't know how to say to a
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person that I perceived as more powerful
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like a pilot hey buddy I got you you
4:54
don't need to put your hands on me there
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and and allow for the assertiveness to
4:58
say what's okay and not okay with me and
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so there were many moments in my life
5:01
where I failed to set personal physical
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boundaries with people and and that is
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very physical and it is very personal
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another example that oftentimes people
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don't consider when we go through a door
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and we put our hands on the small of
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someone's back to say Hey you go first a
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lot of times we think we're just being
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polite we're just being cautious and
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conscientious and and considerate but
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what we're not considering is what if
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someone was physically abused and when
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we touch their back it triggers
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something in their story and they get
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Frozen and they don't know how to say
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anything so as much as it seems like
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it's tedious it's important that we
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express what's okay and not okay for
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ourselves as well as check in with
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someone you know can I give you a hug
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can you know when we put our hand out to
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shake someone's hand that's implying
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consent to shake their hand and we're
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saying I'm okay if you touch my hand so
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these are these are some simple things
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to keep in mind about physical
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boundaries and it's not to say that we
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need to turn ourselves upside down and
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walk on eggshells it's just about
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communication because everyone's
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physical boundaries and family systems
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and histories would dictate what's okay
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and not okay for us and we want to keep
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those things in mind another kind of
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boundary is an emotional boundary so
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these refer to the separation of our
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individual emotions from those around us
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people with healthy emotional boundaries
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can empathize with others without
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absorbing their emotions or taking
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responsibility for them often times we
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get confused about how to show empathy
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versus sympathy and how empathy isn't
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I'm going to take on your emotional
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experience but empathy is I can feel
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with you in a space without making it
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mine or making it about me think of a
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time where you have said to somebody you
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know oh I I feel so sad because I I was
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late to work and I was overwhelmed and
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this bad thing happened a poor emotional
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boundary might be an example of someone
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saying oh right I know exactly what
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that's like and they're trying to
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empathize But ultimately they're
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sympathizing and they're making that
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story about them and so it's it's really
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an empathic failure on the other side of
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that is someone who says you know oh I
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had a miscarriage and then the listener
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says oh my gosh I know that's the most
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sad thing I had a miscarriage too and I
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was so overwhelmed and and fraught with
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with emotion that I just couldn't get
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out of it and I start crying and I make
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it about me so this is an example of a
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poor emotional boundary and it's
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important to recognize that it can go in
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either direction so that sweet spot
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about emotional boundaries is where I
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can empathize and I can be in connection
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with you when you're sharing something
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with me and I don't perseverate and make
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it about me but I can show up with
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compassion and empathy another kind of
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boundary is intellectual boundaries so
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this is where we respect one another's
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thoughts ideas and opinions it allows
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individuals to have their own
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perspective without trying to impose our
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belief on another person in all
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relationships the goal is to have space
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for both perspectives so you might say
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something that's completely in congruent
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with how I see the world or what I uh
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have experienced and the the lens
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through which I see how things are but
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if I'm a good listener and I have
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healthy boundaries I can say wow I can
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see that you have that perspective and
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you're passionate and you're strong
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about it I'm going to disagree with you
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and because I share a different
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perspective but we can still be mutually
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respectful to one another although we
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share a different opinion about
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something in the world and I think it's
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it's even more important right now uh
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Berne Brown says it's hard to hate up
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close move in and I think it's important
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that we keep those things in mind
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because there's so much pain in the
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world right now and we need to remember
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that everyone brings to the table a
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different set of experiences and with
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that their intellectual thought their
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boundary setting in what they've learned
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and so we need to have room for both
8:57
people or several people in a
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conversation to have perspective without
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trying to trample or dismiss or
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disparage someone for not having the
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same perspective that you share another
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obvious one to a lot of people would be
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a sexual boundary what's okay for me and
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not okay for me related to intimacy to
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sexual activity what I'm comfortable
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with and what you're comfortable with
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and this can change over time so we need
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to be able to express ourselves set
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limits communicate about consent and and
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boundaries in in an intimate situation
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so depending on where I'm at in a
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relationship I might be okay holding
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your hand in public but maybe I'm not
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okay or maybe something happened that
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activated a memory of mine that's
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triggering something in me and so right
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now I don't want you to come give me a
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hug I have to express that and it's my
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responsibility as an individual person
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to know what I need and to express what
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I need it's nobody's job to read my mind
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and that creates so much frustration and
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so many many people and in so many
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clients if I could get a nickel for
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every time I heard well I shouldn't have
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to tell them and I say I'm sorry to tell
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you but you're an adult and and you
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absolutely have to tell someone what's
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okay and not okay with you an example
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that makes this this physical boundary
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or or this wouldn't be a sexual boundary
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this would be more about a physical
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boundary but the example I use about our
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responsibility to share with someone
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what's okay and not okay would be
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related to if I get a massage so I go
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get a massage and let's say I worked out
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really hard and I'm super sore and I
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realize that if I can get someone in
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there and really dig into those knots it
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can release those those those muscles
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and it can relax me and I can you know
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drink a lot of water and be on my way to
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healing but let's say I just lay there
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quiet and I had an expectation or desire
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that I wanted this massage to be you
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know really intense and I wanted those I
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wanted them to get in there and they
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just did some kind of light relaxing
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Swedish massage and the whole time I'm
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laying there on the massage table I'm
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annoyed with the person gosh I wish they
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would just go harder and I say nothing
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it's not their fault because everybody
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has a different desire and need
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depending on what's going on in their
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life and their body and their what they
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find uh beneficial or effective and so
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that's just a small example about how we
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must use our voice to set the kind of
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boundaries we need to and assert
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ourselves to express what we need and
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what's okay and not okay with us it's
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our own responsibility another kind of
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boundary would be a time boundary
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managing and allocating time for
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ourselves for our work and our
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relationships managing your personal
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time and commitments to help maintain
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healthy work life balance is critical
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you know I I I recognize that we all
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have different workplaces we all have
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different boundaries around how we we
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set time but we have to recognize that
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how we manage time oftentimes impacts
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other people and so for example like I
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ask for something from my Administrative
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Assistant to be done at a certain point
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and she says say I'm so sorry I got
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behind and I'll get it to you and so
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meanwhile I'm anxious because she
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managed time in a way that didn't match
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what I needed and so we have a further
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conversation and I expressed to her
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listen if you have a whole bunch of
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things on your plate related to your
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time management let's touch base so I
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can let you know how to allocate those
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resources in in the way of time
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management and let's get clear on how
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you can be successful in meeting the
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expectations I have related to what's
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required of you from a time management
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perspective this is a Time boundary this
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is saying this is okay and this is not
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okay with me and people don't recognize
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that it's an internal bound boundary
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failure when we don't recognize uh you
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know I stay up till midnight working
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because I didn't do it at a at an
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earlier time in the day I have an
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internal boundary violation related to
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time because now I'm short changing
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myself on sleep and all sorts of other
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things that would be related to my
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Wellness we have material boundaries so
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so this pertains to our possessions and
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our resources you know what's okay with
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me I loan you a dress what's okay for me
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is if I loan you a dress that you bring
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it back to me in a timely fashion and
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it's clean not that it's brought to me
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in a bag and a he and I can't wear it
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because I gave it to you in a state
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where it was it was usable and so that
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might be a boundary so I would say to
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somebody hey I'll let you borrow this
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but please get it back to me and please
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make sure you get it dry cleaned before
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you return it so that I can wear it the
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next time I want to establishing limits
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on how we share how we um how we expect
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things and and again like I'll give you
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an example if if someone borrows our car
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my husband has an expectation that is
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often unexpressed please bring it back
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to me with a full tank of gas but if he
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didn't say that he might be disappointed
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that it gets brought back to him and
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there's no fuel in the tank and now he
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is burdened with going to stop and
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perhaps he didn't plan for that so we
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have to express our expectations around
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material boundaries as well social
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boundaries this this is the level in
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engagement of Engagement and interaction
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that we're comfortable with in variation
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to social social settings so this is
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often times where introversion and
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extroversion get
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discussed my husband's an introvert he
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is really good and commands a social
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presence he likes to be around people
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but for him it requires a lot of energy
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so he has to set boundaries around
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social engagement so that he has enough
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time to introvert and recharge his
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batteries it takes more energy for him
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to be in large groups than it does for
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me it doesn't expend as much energy for
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me so we have to navigate and negotiate
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what's going to work for us related to
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our own internal needs and and
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boundaries around our engagement with
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other people and that's different for
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everyone and it's different for everyone
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over time so these are things that
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require assertive communication and
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discussion especially when in
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relationship but first it requires us to
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look inside and decide what is it that I
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need if I have overcommitted and I am
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end up finding myself so exhausted
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because I haven't slowed down to say man
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I'm kind of out of fuel in my tank and I
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need some time to just disengage from
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connection and the requirements that go
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into managing relationships then I might
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need to re-evaluate where I'm at from an
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energetic perspective so that I can
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maintain my own wellness and and health
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we've got digital boundaries so this is
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become even more increasingly important
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as Society becomes ever so dependent on
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our smartphon phon and our numbing out
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with our social media and our inability
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to regulate our impulse control and our
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constant checking our emails and our
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likes and things like that on social
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media and so when we talk about digital
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digital boundaries this is where in your
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own life you you might set boundaries
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like you know putting your phone in
15:50
another room to charge giving yourself
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the morning you know I think studies
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show that the first 49 minutes of the
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day and the last 49 minutes of the the
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day should be without screens for the
16:00
best brain health and so maybe setting
16:02
digital boundaries for yourself that you
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uh that you you set for yourself so that
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you can have a healthier um relationship
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with with the with the pull towards our
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digital uh draw uh this might be
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something that we set for example where
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we don't want to have you know phones at
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the dinner table so maybe we say phone
16:23
free dinner and everyone's asked to put
16:25
their phones in a in a table elsewhere
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so that can be really present and this
16:30
is a boundary that you might need to set
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in your in your home or in your
16:33
relationships because you're constantly
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finding yourself resentful that
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everybody around you is on their phone
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when we're sitting in connection and so
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I think that it's okay to say listen if
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you need space to be on your phone
16:44
because you're maxed it's okay for you
16:46
to excuse yourself and go take time for
16:48
that it's all right but if you're in
16:50
this space I'd like you to put your
16:51
phones away because being present is the
16:53
present I'd like to have for our time
16:56
together and I think that's all right to
16:58
say
16:59
think about how many times you've walked
17:00
into a restaurant and everyone you see
17:02
sitting at a table is on their phone
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this is an example of a poor Digital
17:06
Boundary people are on a date and
17:08
they're not present with one another or
17:11
people walk into a restaurant and they
17:12
immediately hand their 2-year-old the
17:14
phone to keep them quiet well kids are
17:17
not developing resilience around um
17:20
boredom they have very low impulse
17:23
control and and I'll talk about this in
17:25
a in an entire show about social media
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and the effects and impacts that that's
17:30
having on society so it's really
17:31
important that you look at your digital
17:33
boundaries and how you're using uh
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social media and and how that's
17:38
affecting your mental health so in a
17:40
nutshell boundaries are what's okay and
17:43
not okay with me bernee Brown would say
17:46
that boundaries are finding a way to be
17:48
generous towards others while continuing
17:50
to lead with integrity and staying true
17:52
to yourself so setting boundaries means
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prioritizing your needs practicing self
17:58
care without feeling guilty saying what
18:00
you mean and meaning what you say
18:02
without saying it mean but ultimately
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it's your responsibility to decide what
18:07
you need assert what you need and
18:10
express those to the people in your life
18:12
thank you so much for tuning in I hope
18:14
that you found this helpful it's a very
18:17
important topic to become familiar with
18:19
as it really is the Hallmark of helping
18:21
you with your mental health and for
18:24
creating a stable environment both
18:25
internally externally and in
18:27
relationship
18:29
and I encourage you to practice setting
18:31
boundaries even though it's
18:32
uncomfortable at first if you're not
18:34
used to it because it really will change
18:36
your life and you will find a sense of
18:38
freedom and relief once you become
18:40
healthier with boundaries that you
18:41
probably never have experienced before
18:44
make sure to lead with love it'll never
18:46
steer you
18:47
[Music]
18:57
wrong
19:05
you
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