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We unpack the difference between compassion and enmeshment, what “detached compassion” actually looks like, and how childhood experiences can shape our fear of conflict, boundaries, and other people’s emotions.
Sometimes healing means learning that supporting others doesn’t require abandoning yourself.
Watch full episode here: https://youtu.be/NrpNhqVIa4I
#mentalhealth #Boundaries #Healing #Burnout #adaptablebehaviorexplained
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you are just storing up and building
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resentment in yourself that's gonna show
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up eventually or towards the other
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person or just kind of bubble up within
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yourself.
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>> And what do you think happens to those
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people that don't say no ever
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>> professionally especially?
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>> Well, burnout. Uh I think burnout being
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the biggest one.
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>> Yeah. Or you're taking on so much that
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doesn't feel uh sustainable and it's
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either burnout or it's what we kind of
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talked about before. It's turning to
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substances to make it all feel like it's
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worth it at the end of the day to feel
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like you can regain a semblance of
0:33
capacity even though it's not real.
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>> What do you think a little What do you
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think about like being needed being a
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little bit of a trap? Because I think
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that's where I used to fall. I'm like,
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"Oh, I'm so very important. Everybody
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needs me."
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>> Yeah.
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>> And then I'm mad like I did this all to
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myself.
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>> Well, there's some social reinforcement
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around that too. I think on both sides,
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for women, it's kind of kind of going
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into the the stereotype of being the
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nurturer, the caregiver, the one who
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takes on things for other people. And
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then I think with men, it's the I can do
1:01
it all
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>> that gets really socially reinforced and
1:05
personally reinforced that it feels
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good.
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>> Uh and then at some point it stops,
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>> right?
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>> And you're upset that no one is helping
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you, right?
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>> But you've never voiced, I could use
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some help or this is hard.
1:17
>> Sure. Or or maybe you're so controlling
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that when people help, it's never good
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enough.
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>> I've had to face I've had to deal with
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that, too.
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>> You know, I'll do it myself.
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>> I'm cooking and I asked my husband for
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help and he's slicing the onions and I'm
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looking over his shoulder. He's like,
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you know, if you want my help, you're
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just going to have to accept the way
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that I cut onions, right?
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>> Like, you're so right.
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>> Yeah. My husband's phenomenal. But he
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I'm like, I was able to hear that. And
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maybe he'd said versions of that before
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that I wasn't able to hear, but in that
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moment, I could. He's like, "No, you're
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right."
1:47
>> Yeah.
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>> I can't micromanage the help that I
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receive.
1:50
>> Right. And you have to accept that as,
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you know, but I didn't have to cut the
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onions.
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>> And I think that can be that concept can
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be really
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>> transferred to so many things. You know,
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it may not be my way or it may not be
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the way I did it, but one,
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>> I didn't have to do it. And so, I got
2:07
something off my plate. I was brave
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enough to ask. But the other thing is,
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>> who do I think I am that only my way is
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right?
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>> There's that,
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>> right? like you're not the only onion
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expert, you know, like other people
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might have a great idea. And I think
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that brings us to the point of like
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needing to be open and curious about
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>> our need for controlling when it comes
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to that.
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>> Yeah. Becoming trying to become less
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rigid,
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>> right?
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>> Accepting that even if it's even if your
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way is the best way,
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>> right?
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>> Can you handle someone else's? Is it
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that big of a deal?
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>> But why do I mean work work or personal
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relationships? Why do you think it feels
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safer
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>> to be silent? Like what do you think?
2:45
Let's dig into that for a little bit.
2:46
Why do you think not speaking up feels
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like protection or safety?
2:51
>> I think there's a whole host of reasons
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that can come from people's lived
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experiences from childhood around what
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it what happens when somebody is
2:59
potentially upset with you,
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>> right? What's that mean? If they're
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upset with me, then
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>> yeah, if they're upset with me, is that
3:05
going to mean screaming? Is that going
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to mean I'm shamed? Is that going to
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mean that I feel really unsafe? uh does
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that mean more on my plate because this
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person becomes upset and then you know
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checks out and and leaves? Does that
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mean I'm alone? I think there's a whole
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>> can I tolerate the alone thing and how
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do they deal with the with the um
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conflict?
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>> How do they show up or not?
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>> It can be scary if you don't have the
3:31
skills for that. So, I think that that's
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a that's a big one. I I did do a series
3:36
of shows related to this um the four
3:39
horsemen of the apocalypse. So, that's a
3:41
good one to check out if that if this is
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resonating with you and you're like,
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"Yeah, I avoid these hard conversations
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in relationships because of my fear of
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how how it will go or whatever." So, I
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sweep it under the rug and then I have
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this pile under my rug that I can no
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longer avoid.
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>> Or it's just I can't tolerate this other
3:59
person being upset and maybe not at me,
4:01
but just upset in general, right?
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>> I don't want this other person to feel
4:05
sad. I don't want them to feel uh shame
4:08
about themselves. I am going to protect
4:11
their emotions at the sake of my own,
4:13
>> right? And and over responsibility with
4:16
people's okayness always comes into play
4:18
with that. like not being able to
4:20
tolerate someone else not being okay is
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really our own inability to tolerate
4:25
>> the the distress in others around us and
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likely related to the history of our
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childhood where there was disregular
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>> or disregulated caregivers or unstable
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or chaotic home environments and those
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then teach us
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>> go along get along keep the peace at all
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costs don't speak up because it'll just
4:44
be a problem and I don't want to be the
4:46
problem but it does throw us into
4:48
Absolutely.
4:50
>> Martyr step point for sure or victim
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step point. And sometimes what comes up
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kind of a misconception or a a a place
4:57
where people don't know where to go when
4:59
we talk about that okayess of the other
5:01
person, right, is that they think, well,
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>> how where how do I draw the line between
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what's compassionate and caring versus
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what's overunctioning,
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>> right?
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>> So, I like to think of we all have kind
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of our own little hula hoop of
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experience that we are in. It's our
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emotions. It's our experience. It's our
5:17
perspective. And we want to be and we
5:19
want to be right next to somebody else's
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hula hoop that we care about. We're
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right touching it.
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>> We're not overlapping.
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>> When we start to overlap and their
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emotions bleed into ours is when it
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becomes a problem,
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>> right? It's more imshed. It's more
5:34
>> But that doesn't mean that we can't be
5:36
incredibly compassionate and caring for
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somebody else who's having a hard time.
5:39
We just don't take it on.
5:40
>> Right? That's called detached
5:41
compassion, by the way. And that's
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probably I should do a whole episode on
5:45
detached compassion because I think it's
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a struggle. people don't know how to do
5:49
that,
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>> you know, which is like true empathy.
5:52
>> Yeah.
5:53
>> And the pendulum often swings when
5:55
somebody's working on kind of
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codependency of of taking on someone
5:59
else's emotions is it swings to the
6:01
other end and they can become very
6:04
disconnected, right,
6:05
>> from others emotions in their life. And
6:07
so it's it's helpful to try to help them
6:09
find some middle ground.
6:10
>> Yeah. Well, I really appreciate you
6:13
talking with me about this. And I I
6:15
think we need to do a follow-up show on
6:17
like what do we do about this? Because I
6:19
think that's an episode in all of in
6:21
itself. So So can I count on you to join
6:23
me for a follow on this one? Good.
6:24
Because I think that that is is
6:26
important because really when you think
6:28
about choosing the hard, there's all
6:30
there's a whole slew of reasons that are
6:32
often
6:33
>> embedded in the roots of our past and
6:35
our trauma and likely need additional
6:38
psycho education supports
6:40
>> and maybe therapy. And so choosing the
6:43
hard may not just be something you can
6:45
white knuckle and that you can you know
6:47
move forward with just willpower.
6:49
Sometimes we need to unearth like you
6:51
said earlier that the reason that it is
6:53
so hard to choose the
6:55
>> um long-term benefit of the hard that
6:58
requires a little bit more steadiness
7:00
and discipline over the short hard of
7:04
the potential impending doom as a result
7:07
of our choice of the hard today. and so
7:10
or avoiding the hard in our own minds.
7:12
But again, it's it's often times built
7:13
around stories we make up about what it
7:15
is, like you said, overcoming shame and
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perfectionism and all these other things
7:20
that really prohibit just consistent
7:24
choosing the long-term gain over the
7:26
short term. Yeah, I'd love to come back
7:28
and talk more about this because it's
7:29
it's a topic that bleeds into so many
7:31
areas of life and something that I think
7:34
we're all struggling with and working on
7:36
and doing our best to figure out how do
7:38
we choose
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>> the best hard for us,
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>> right?
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>> And again, not so black and white.
7:44
>> Yeah.
7:44
>> Related to all that. So,
7:46
>> well, thank you so much for coming. I
7:47
appreciate it. I always love having
7:49
these chats with you on or off camera.
7:51
We we definitely vibe on these deep
7:54
conversations and I just love her
7:56
>> uh brightness, her intellect and um
7:59
compassion really. You you have all of
8:01
those things going for you both
8:02
personally and professionally. So I feel
8:04
honored Bet you.
#People & Society