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Welcome to the Shit Show: The Truth about Being a Single Parent - Part 1
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Being a single parent is a journey full of highs and lows, and in this video, we’re uncovering the raw and real truth about what it’s really like. This episode dives deep into the challenges and rewards of single parenthood. Whether you're a single mom, dad, or just curious about the reality of parenting alone, this honest discussion is for you. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. Part 1 of 2 I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thank you so much for tuning
0:13
in today to adaptable I'm Kelly and I'm
0:16
really excited to have you here today to
0:19
talk about parenting as a single person
0:21
I've got with me Christina egara uh she
0:24
is a licensed associate counselor that
0:26
works with me and she is a rock star and
0:29
friend and I'm so happy to have you here
0:30
so welcome thanks for being here thank
0:33
you Kelly thank you tell me tell me a
0:35
little bit about yourself and why this
0:37
topic is uh one that you you feel
0:40
passionate about well I think with the
0:43
The Passion of it is it it I'm living it
0:45
every single day this is the life that I
0:47
have as a single parent I I'm a mom of
0:51
four kids who range from 9 11 13 and an
0:55
almost 15y old and so three boys and a
0:57
girl and it's just utter chaos in our in
1:00
our household um and it wasn't planned
1:04
so I met their father when I was in the
1:06
Marines he was a marine as well uh
1:08
stationed in Tucson and you know we we
1:12
dated we got married we had children
1:14
we're together for a significant number
1:16
of years and as things sometimes do we
1:20
changed and so the relationship just
1:22
wasn't what it was originally and we
1:25
just didn't have that connection anymore
1:26
and so we later separated divorced and
1:30
the kids now are primarily in my care so
1:34
really it's
1:35
just it is Passion because it's my kids
1:39
it directly involves my family right and
1:43
and and you know just thinking about
1:45
what that looks like I I too have five
1:48
kids U most of their life I raised four
1:51
um and I felt tired just hearing you say
1:55
those age ranges when I was thinking
1:58
about my history and now that I'm Nester
2:00
I mean I really Revel in the quiet and I
2:02
Revel in just not having someone have
2:05
something wrong or need something all
2:07
the time because it's just constantly
2:09
and chronically taxing and it's and it's
2:12
almost always stressful you know and I
2:14
thought about it when I had my kids not
2:17
any one of them was really difficult or
2:19
hard or Troublesome but it was like they
2:22
took turns having an issue and and
2:25
because of that there was always
2:27
something demanded by me and so when I
2:30
think about that and what you're
2:32
currently going through you know when it
2:35
comes to managing stress what are some
2:37
things that you you know you know you
2:40
have to do to manage the stress of it
2:42
because it's chronic and it's constant
2:43
so I would say the first and foremost
2:46
the most important thing is to be
2:48
adaptable being rigid as a single parent
2:51
is just not going to suffice that is a
2:54
really great path to burnout um and so
2:58
being flexible being able to to
3:00
compromise where you know maybe you had
3:03
plans and you had you know an interview
3:06
or maybe you had um an appointment if
3:09
the appointment can be moved because
3:10
there's you know an emergency with one
3:12
of your children really children take
3:15
precedence because they didn't have a
3:16
say in the matter so you really put
3:18
their priorities ahead of yours in that
3:20
in that way but then after being
3:22
adaptable I would say resource social
3:25
network uh build your community like it
3:28
is just it's not an Avenue that I don't
3:30
think anyone can really do alone right
3:33
um well that's something that I remember
3:36
as part of your Evolution and our
3:37
relationship at infinite and you know
3:40
you had this stance when I met you like
3:42
I have no one I have to do it by myself
3:45
and part of our culture and our
3:47
community with infinite is that you know
3:50
we really want to be a work family that
3:53
you can rely on and that's true and
3:54
that's authentic and it's not to say
3:56
that we're not going to have
3:57
requirements that are part of our
3:59
ethical professional guidelines but it
4:02
it's to say that first you're a human
4:04
and I've seen a growth in you with being
4:07
more transparent more willing to lean in
4:10
and you know even just reflecting on our
4:12
recent supervision uh you know will you
4:14
tell the tell our audience what you said
4:17
when you came in like the first I said
4:18
how are you doing yeah so I did get my
4:21
children's permission to tell this story
4:24
but it has been one thing after another
4:27
since the start of school and you know
4:29
know unfortunately three out of four of
4:32
my kids have gotten some consequences
4:34
and then our oven caught fire and then
4:37
our dishwasher stopped working my car
4:39
broke down right before we went to the
4:40
retreat and I remember coming in I feel
4:43
like your AC had just gone out not that
4:45
long ago AB yep it's just when it rains
4:47
it pours and I just remember telling you
4:49
you know because you do have to be able
4:51
to have a sense of humor is I need a
4:53
welcome at that just says welcome to the
4:55
show just that's what it is right
4:57
lean into the chaos lean into you know
5:00
the jungle of of highs and lows es and
5:03
flows and you know you might have those
5:05
pockets of of calm but there are few and
5:08
far between when you're a single parent
5:10
and a single parent of multiples
5:12
especially so right someone always kind
5:14
of needs something and you're and that's
5:15
while still managing the stressors of
5:17
just adulting which you know lately
5:19
there's so many funny memes about
5:20
adulting and I don't want to and it's
5:23
and and I think I couldn't
5:25
agree more you know some days you just
5:27
wake up and you're just like damn yeah I
5:29
got do this like Groundhogs Day right
5:32
like again today all the things and it
5:34
never stops right I can remember that
5:36
when I poor my poor kids I had a magnet
5:39
on my fridge when they were young that
5:41
said raising children is like being
5:42
pecked to death by a chicken and I know
5:44
that that was probably in sensitive but
5:46
it is how it felt as a mother and so um
5:50
you know hindsight 2020 that was
5:51
probably not a really nurturing magnet
5:53
to have I wasn't a therapist at the time
5:55
I was I was a different kind of person
5:56
and I hadn't yet started therapy so it
5:58
was just way more say it like it is
6:01
without the nuances of uh worrying about
6:04
how that might land for for those who
6:06
walked by it every day while they made
6:07
their breakfast and read it you know
6:09
like I'm a burden I'm a burden I'm like
6:11
shoot I don't know why I was putting
6:13
that on the fridge but but you know that
6:15
to say the other thing that I think
6:18
comes up and I know you can only speak
6:20
as a single mother as opposed to a
6:22
single dad but as a single mother you
6:25
know especially you with all of your
6:26
training and knowledge and and
6:28
everything with development what's it
6:31
like to navigate those moments of
6:34
confidence issues and like how do you
6:36
how do you deal with those moments of
6:39
self-doubt and and do you have any
6:41
specific ones you would be willing to
6:42
share with us yeah so that's a that's a
6:44
really good question um first I want to
6:47
honor that you know there are times many
6:49
times where you're going to question
6:50
yourself as as a single mom a single
6:53
parent um that's why they have dark
6:55
chocolate and wine and locks on the
6:57
closet door right so you can find
7:00
yourself doubled over crying and just
7:03
wishing yeah and so you know once you
7:06
get past that that little bit of you
7:08
know wo is me type you know honor that
7:10
moment you it's it's about saying what
7:13
can I do now what's within my control
7:15
and how do I honor myself and reassure
7:19
myself that I'm doing the best that I
7:20
can possibly do because there are going
7:22
to be things outside of our control
7:25
right we are
7:26
raising humans who are their own
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individual people they're going to make
7:30
their own choices and so the hardest
7:31
thing as much as I tried to program mine
7:33
to be the way I thought they should be
7:35
that all is a big huge joke I mean you
7:37
think that you have control and it's
7:38
just this fun little farce that you tell
7:41
yourself you have any control imagining
7:43
if I just say it one time they'll listen
7:46
and they'll listen with a smile on their
7:47
face they say sure thing mom right away
7:50
yeah that's so so funny and cute and so
7:52
you have to honor where they're at too
7:54
and and really going back to
7:55
adaptability and being resilient in that
7:58
way is you know if your children make
8:00
mistakes that's part of life and the
8:02
beautiful thing is that they get to make
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those mistakes with you as a child sure
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rather than an adult where the
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repercussions may be more severe so
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saying you know hey this is what
8:14
happened maybe you did something at
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school you didn't do your homework you
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maybe did an unkind thing to another
8:19
student maybe they talked back to you
8:22
because they're also going through their
8:23
own thing it's it's giving space it's
8:26
saying okay I'm feeling something coming
8:27
up in me I'm seeing something come up in
8:30
you we're going to take a break how
8:32
about 10 minutes or maybe we Circle back
8:34
tomorrow because this is it's it's hard
8:36
and especially if you're living in that
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family system you know and if you don't
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really have very many people to defer to
8:43
it's constant it's constant interaction
8:45
constant um triggering right you know
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it's it's kind of like when you think
8:50
about atoms and how they're just kind of
8:52
those molecules moving around and Stu
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that's a great metaphor for a family
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system and sometimes yeah they bounce
8:59
off of one another and there's not
9:01
really a rhyme or a reason often times
9:02
that's predictable for sure yeah
9:04
honoring those I would say and then
9:06
having something that's just for you so
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whether that's a hobby whether it's
9:11
connecting with friends even I have a
9:13
couple of friends that every four to six
9:15
months I see it's not often but you know
9:18
what we pick up where we left off and we
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kind of give each other the rundown of
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like the the house is on fire you know
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the chaos that's going on in the
9:26
background and then it's
9:29
you know it's being validated it's being
9:31
felt and it's you a lot of people don't
9:33
like the word pity but it's actually a
9:35
synonym for compassion and we have to
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have compassion for self when is
9:39
just hard and especially when we didn't
9:41
do anything to cause it and we're still
9:44
there to weather the storm and so we
9:46
have to sit down we have to have our
9:48
pity party we have to cry we have to
9:50
take our moments and also reaching out
9:52
and cultivating connection with others
9:54
if not for the solution just to be felt
9:56
in that space is so necessary and and
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really really helpful to have somewhere
10:02
to download absolutely even I have a
10:05
friend who she lives out of state and we
10:07
send memes back and forth and that's our
10:09
love language you know but it's a way
10:10
for us to connect and you know get out
10:12
what it is that we're going through and
10:14
having someone in your corner in that
10:16
way that you know maybe isn't present
10:18
but they're rooting for you that can
10:19
speak volumes as well and that can give
10:22
great capacity for waking up every day
10:24
and saying oh I have to attend the
10:26
show again right yeah here we go yeah
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right and and we're going to fall short
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we're going to make mistakes and you
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mentioned before you know when your kids
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mess up showing up with Grace showing up
10:36
with you know an opportunity to model
10:39
for them you know
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imperfections expected if not certain
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and and that we need to be able to give
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them room yeah to fall down and to make
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mistakes and to model for them
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acceptance unconditional acceptance even
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when they make mistakes and so of course
10:58
it's harder when we get stuck in that
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perfectionism Loop when we're a parent
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and especially like I said before you
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know you you you've read the books you
11:06
know the rules and yet you're still
11:08
human with that amydala that gets
11:09
activated because of the stimulus in
11:11
your home and the interactions and the
11:13
conflict and all of those things and so
11:15
how do you deal with personally those
11:18
moments of where we fall down you know
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in Bernay Brown's work we're in the
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arena for you you're in the arena of
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parenting every day all day there's no
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reprieve from that and when we fall down
11:28
we're going to get our ass kicked we're
11:30
going to we're going to fall short we're
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going to have those times of mistakes
11:34
and and problems what do you do to
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navigate those moments of falling short
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or the mistakes so I think you know
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before doing that it's about cultivating
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a certain type of uh culture within your
11:47
family system as well and I'll be honest
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you know ber has that Netflix special
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and I am a big proponent of educating my
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children and talking about what it is
11:56
that we're feeling what we're going
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through what we're experiencing say
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being vulnerable opening up ourselves to
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trusting others even though it feels
12:04
hard and so giving them that verbage
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really allowed me to just let them in
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when I'm feeling a certain way and say
12:12
hey right mom's not on her game today
12:14
you know I might have snapped at you
12:16
this morning or I might have you know
12:18
walked away when you were talking to me
12:20
because I just felt this overwhelming
12:22
sense of just utter chaos internal chaos
12:26
right but that has nothing to do with
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you it's what's going on of me I love
12:30
you we'll talk about it in a minute you
12:32
know or when I'm settled and so I think
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when we're talking about how do we move
12:37
through when we mess up just name it
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right just name it I think there's
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nothing better that a parent can
12:44
do then own their mistakes take full
12:47
accountability when they blow it mean it
12:50
come in with some humility model for
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them you know what I'm just you know I'm
12:55
just human I'm doing the best that I can
12:57
I know that I fell short and you do
13:00
deserve better and I'm going to keep
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working on it and I think that kids are
13:02
so incredibly resilient and they see the
13:05
humanness in us they see more than
13:06
anybody else sees our kids know they
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know what we're going through and as
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much as we try to protect we don't think
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so yeah they know better I always say to
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my clients I'm like you want to know
13:15
what's really going on in the family
13:16
give me some time with that kid they'll
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tell you everything abolutely and
13:19
they're honest and they and they see it
13:20
so when you think about that and just
13:23
giving them space to be the humans that
13:25
they are and then also it models maybe
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they can give you the grace to be the
13:30
human that you are yeah and and uh
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cultivate that self-acceptance and that
13:35
positive regard for self I think is is
13:38
probably the most primary the primarily
13:40
the most important thing we can do for a
13:42
kid yeah and recognizing that if you
13:45
have multiple children or wherever you
13:47
know stage in life your child is they
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may not be able to like authentically
13:51
give it to you the way that you want
13:52
them to so understanding that there's a
13:55
growth there and evolution of that skill
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set but if you implement it early on and
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you really you support it and you
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reaffirm it and you talk about it often
14:05
and you invite them into conversation
14:07
you know I I feel like there's such a
14:09
disconnect you know in families a little
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bit just because of social media and one
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of our rules in our household is it it's
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my children don't access social media in
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our household because I want that human
14:20
connection with them so easy to escape
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and um it it's not it's not
14:27
useful invisible musles that we need to
14:30
to navigate life they don't grow they
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don't stretch and part of part of that
14:35
is the discomfort you know is like I'm
14:37
really mad at you mom because you didn't
14:39
show up for me the way that I wanted to
14:41
good tell me express yourself you know
14:43
in a respectful way don't get too big
14:46
for your britches but sure but you know
14:49
open up that dialogue and be like I'm so
14:51
glad you came to me with this and if you
14:52
feel triggered say hey I need a minute
14:55
you know I'm going to process what
14:56
you've just told me and we'll Circle
14:58
back right it's hard especially as a
14:59
single parent because you know you are
15:01
so alone with it and and we just all
15:04
want to be seen so bad as humans and so
15:07
when when they're coming at you with the
15:08
things you're doing wrong and
15:10
you're I'm trying so hard you know and
15:14
it's hard not to feel defensive it's
15:16
hard not to feel like you know prove
15:18
yourself and and share all the name all
15:20
the things that you're doing that they
15:21
don't see that you're doing you don't
15:22
know what it's like you know and it's we
15:24
really need to try hard to refrain from
15:26
that CU it's really not their job to
15:28
understand that and and also they didn't
15:30
put themselves in this situation this
15:31
they're just by standards in the
15:32
situation so so another thing that's
15:35
really important that we discuss is just
15:37
creating attachment and when you have a
15:39
lot of children uh I always talk to
15:42
clients about when there's a family of
15:44
multiples which you're discussing which
15:46
I had you know there's only two boobs
15:49
two eyes two hands the touch is limited
15:52
because you're just one resource and so
15:54
often times it's really tricky to
15:56
provide all of the moments that create
15:59
and cultivate secure attachment in a
16:01
child especially when there's so many
16:03
and then doubling down on that and
16:04
you're by yourself most of the time so
16:06
when you think about secure attachment
16:08
what are what are some tips and tricks
16:10
you can give our audience and things
16:11
maybe that you do that help to to to sew
16:15
those moments plant those seeds of
16:17
secure attachment as best as you can so
16:20
you're right when you have multiples
16:22
those moments are going to be few and
16:23
far between right so it's about making
16:26
those moments as best as they possibly
16:28
can quality right just connecting and
16:31
bonding without expectation and so I
16:35
would say as long as you have a schedule
16:37
or a routine that's consistent you are
16:40
now creating security for your children
16:42
you're creating something that's
16:44
reliable so even if you aren't having
16:46
those moments of like heart-to-heart
16:47
conversations that's something that they
16:49
can return to and look at and be like
16:51
you know Mom or Dad they really created
16:54
a safe place for me and things that I
16:56
could rely on so you know the wool was
16:59
pulled out from you know under me and
17:01
and so there's that and then you know
17:04
something that my kids and I do we play
17:05
board games and you know I did try to
17:08
play Monopoly with with them once and it
17:09
ended in tears I'm pretty sure I have a
17:12
picture family stories of trauma and
17:15
Monopoly I think a terrible that one
17:17
away for now it's a opposite reaction
17:20
what I was hoping for like breeds you
17:22
know greed and like yeah it's a an
17:26
interesting game but I think that's
17:28
great and that's a family group uh of
17:30
connection but I think it's also really
17:32
important that we try to carve out time
17:35
oneon-one with our kids and creating
17:37
special moments and and activities or uh
17:41
patterns of behavior that are
17:42
predictable with each kid and it may be
17:44
something different maybe this kid you
17:46
tuck in in this way and that kid you do
17:49
something special in the morning that's
17:51
just for them and I know that it's hard
17:53
but if you if you schedule and then you
17:55
have more intentional time with how you
17:57
move through the day I think that it can
17:59
be done even in small moment abely
18:01
absolutely so with my youngest before we
18:04
go to bed each night we play whle and he
18:07
helps me with whle and we do this the
18:09
the New York spelling list the cross
18:11
word it takes about 10 minutes how old
18:14
is he he's nine awesome and so that's
18:16
kind of a twofer words vocabulary
18:19
quality time yep and then my daughter
18:21
she loves you know anime she loves
18:23
drawing she's actually a very talented
18:26
gifted artist and so you know she'll sit
18:29
with me and give me lessons and I let
18:31
her teach me how to draw that's cool my
18:34
oldest he's
18:37
very analytical and so we can get into
18:40
like debates and stuff and I think
18:41
that's his love language is having that
18:43
kind of interaction where it's you can
18:45
challenge intellectually and so we'll
18:47
talk about you know uh the news of the
18:50
day things that are current events and
18:51
stuff like that um and then my middle
18:54
son he's 11 and he's a little bit of a
18:59
he's an anomaly he's really hard to
19:01
pinpoint so we do a bunch of different
19:03
things we we we toss the football around
19:06
together you know we'll talk about his
19:08
favorite he is into anime too we'll talk
19:10
about anime even if I feel like oh my
19:12
God I'm so I'm anime out you know but
19:15
and then he'll talk about his friends at
19:17
school because he really has a heart of
19:19
gold and that means something to him um
19:21
and so it's it's and he likes to cook so
19:24
the other day he helped make spaghetti
19:26
you know and that's it's just something
19:27
simple and doesn't really have to be
19:29
these wellth thought out moments because
19:32
I think when we just let it be organic
19:34
that's going to be more meaningful sure
19:36
so we have so much to talk about and I I
19:40
really think that I want to dig in uh to
19:43
some other topics that are more tricky
19:47
in in our in our second part so we we
19:49
have a part two for this this show okay
19:51
um and I just I really thank you for
19:54
showing up today to talk about this
19:56
topic you know we went we're going to go
19:59
a little deeper in part two but
20:01
hopefully this gives our listeners some
20:03
nuts and bolts about normalizing the
20:05
things that we all go through as as
20:07
parents but then doubling down on the
20:09
single parent thing it's it's it's twice
20:12
as hard and half as supported and so I
20:14
really appreciate your cander and your
20:17
vulnerability and sharing with us today
20:19
in um in part one of this uh series on
20:22
single parenting so thank you no thank
20:24
you Kelly yes uh I hope that you found
20:26
this helpful I I will uh encourage you
20:29
to tune in to part two as we've got a
20:31
lot more to offer for this topic and it
20:34
really is an area where support is
20:36
needed so I commend you for watching
20:37
today because we really can't do it
20:39
alone and and uh these resources
20:42
hopefully will help make it a little bit
20:44
easier so uh until we meet again don't
20:47
forget to lead with love it'll never
20:49
steer you wrong
20:51
[Music]
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you
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[Music]
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