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Projection and Blame and How to Slow Yourself Down
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May 9, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over how to get un-stuck from blame and projection. We explore how these defense mechanisms can keep us from taking responsibility and block personal growth. By understanding where blame and projection come from and how they protect us. We can begin to shift inward, reclaim our power, and create healthier patterns in our relationships. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly O'Horo and this is
0:09
Adaptable Behavior Explained hello
0:12
everybody thank you so much for tuning
0:14
in today to Adaptable Behavior Explained
0:17
my name is Kelly O'Horo and I'm your
0:19
host and I appreciate you joining me
0:22
today we're going to talk today about a
0:24
topic that we hear all the time by lay
0:27
persons as a therapist and two things
0:29
that we're going to talk about are
0:30
projection and blame and we're going to
0:32
learn why do we do it and how do we stop
0:34
most importantly because it really
0:36
clouds connection and helps us to create
0:39
dysfunction and conflict in our
0:41
relationships and so ultimately we want
0:44
to improve and learn about projection
0:46
and we want to learn about blame and you
0:49
know who you are raise your hand if
0:50
you're someone who projects or someone
0:52
who blames or people in your life tell
0:53
you that you do that often this is going
0:55
to be a good show for you to tune into
0:58
so we're going to talk about the purpose
0:59
of it and how those habits really damage
1:01
our relationships and we're going to
1:03
understand why we do these things and
1:05
how they're adaptations of trauma yes I
1:08
know that I talk about it all the time
1:09
but really every action that we do in
1:12
our life was learned and some of those
1:14
things that we learned are not so useful
1:17
and so we're going to learn what we do
1:19
and then learn what we don't want to do
1:21
and then unlearn those things so
1:24
hopefully you'll find a lot of help with
1:26
this one and I'm sure those who love you
1:27
will find this a benefit in your life if
1:29
you are someone who projects or blames
1:31
regularly so projection let's start
1:34
there uh most of our clients come in and
1:37
let's face it they talk about other
1:38
people in their lives and this is often
1:40
the function of projection in
1:42
relationships we often project our own
1:45
emotions onto others and this means that
1:47
we're attributing our own feelings our
1:49
thoughts and our motives to someone else
1:52
the bad news is projection is a defense
1:54
mechanism and it helps us avoid facing
1:56
uncomfortable aspects of ourselves for
1:59
example if we feel insecure about our
2:01
own abilities we might accuse others of
2:03
being incompetent this way we don't have
2:05
to look at ourselves we don't have to
2:06
confront our own insecurities directly
2:09
so I'm going to give you an example of a
2:11
friend of mine she was dating this guy
2:13
and they were doing really well about
2:15
eight months going strong and you know
2:18
she's also a therapist so she does the
2:20
initial kind of interview in her early
2:22
dating times and she's checking in you
2:23
know is the guy confident is he secure
2:25
is he wanting to learn how to
2:27
communicate better are we going to
2:28
address things head-on and so she
2:30
thought she kind of did her due
2:31
diligence and now let me paint you a
2:33
picture this girl is kind of a butterfly
2:36
she is friendly some might even call her
2:38
flirtatious but ultimately that's just
2:40
part of her personality uh and she's
2:42
just lovely and her intention is always
2:44
really pure now she might accidentally
2:46
hurt somebody but she's not doing that
2:48
with intention to do so she's just
2:50
doesn't have ill will and if you know
2:51
her you know this about her so anyways
2:54
she's dating this guy for a while and
2:56
you know it's clear that some of his
2:58
insecurities begin to creep up and he
3:01
starts projecting his fears onto her and
3:03
so let me give you a little background
3:05
so she has this guy friend and she's
3:07
been friends with him for a long time
3:08
and it's totally platonic and he's
3:10
friends with um other people in her life
3:12
and her childhood friend you know
3:14
they've known each other since high
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school and there's never been anything
3:16
romantic and she's close to him and she
3:18
spends a lot of time with him and the
3:20
new guy she's dating his insecurities
3:22
like drove him into so much projection
3:24
that he sabotaged the relationship and
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he's accusing her of being unfaithful or
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disrespectful uh when she absolutely
3:32
wasn't at a minimum maybe not
3:34
communicative enough but not anything
3:36
harmful
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and so ultimately you know his fears his
3:40
insecurities get projected onto her
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because he doesn't want to look at how
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he feels when she's in the presence of
3:46
another man even though she's not doing
3:48
anything that's going to hurt him and
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even though she's clear and has you know
3:51
has expressed who this person is to her
3:54
he just can't get past his own
3:55
insecurities and as a result he projects
3:58
onto her and they ultimately break up
3:59
and she's so heartbroken about it
4:01
because he's a really good guy but he
4:02
can't get his own stuff in check and so
4:05
we want to really make sure that we're
4:07
not projecting our pain points onto the
4:09
people that we're involved with so next
4:12
we're going to talk about blame and this
4:14
is very easy to do i don't know about
4:16
you but it's very easy to find yourself
4:18
into this quick reaction when something
4:21
goes wrong and it's also a defense
4:23
mechanism blame is and so it serves a
4:26
purpose um in order to discharge your
4:29
pain and discomfort when we blame others
4:31
we're often trying to avoid facing our
4:33
own painful emotions so if we shift
4:36
responsibility to someone else we can
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temporarily relieve ourselves of the
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burden of our own distress this is
4:42
particularly prevalent in situations
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where we feel powerless or overwhelmed
4:46
and ultimately there are moments in our
4:48
lives where we feel this powerlessness
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and this overwhelm so regularly from you
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know not being able to find your kid's
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other shoe on their way out the door and
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then we bark at one of our other
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children like it's their fault you know
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these moments happen so quickly where we
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fall into blame and it happens in our
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partner relationships as well and so I'm
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going to talk about some of the forms
5:09
that this blame shows up in the first is
5:12
is an emotional reaction and this is
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really a common uh time that we see
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blame so for example you always make me
5:19
so angry this shifts the responsibility
5:21
for our own anger onto our partner the
5:24
person that we're discussing or we're in
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relationship with rather than
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acknowledging our own personal triggers
5:29
about our powerlessness or whatever
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pulls us into those unresolved issues
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and ultimately we are shooting out that
5:37
blame so that we can discharge our own
5:39
pain and our own discomfort and it
5:40
causes problems in our relationships and
5:42
so we need to take accountability for
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that the other thing that we're trying
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to you know get away from related to
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blame is taking accountability for our
5:50
own personal failures so like if we were
5:53
to say "If it wasn't for you I would
5:54
have achieved my goals by now." You know
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this places the blame for our lack of
5:59
success onto the person that we're
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talking to usually our partner they're
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the one that gets the worst of us
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typically and then we are avoiding our
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self-reflection on our own choices or
6:08
our own circumstances our own lack of
6:10
initiative that would have put us in a
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place where we could potentially reach
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our goals the other thing that we do
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this with is relationship issues and so
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maybe we're saying something like we're
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in conflict or we fall into our negative
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interaction cycle often so then we say
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something like our relationship is
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falling apart because you never listen
6:29
to me so we're focusing the
6:31
responsibility onto somebody else
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instead of looking at the dynamic and so
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this purpose is to deflect from our own
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communication issues our own
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unwillingness to address things our own
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unwillingness to compromise or to really
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hear the other person and what they're
6:46
expressing something I hear a lot on my
6:49
couch is people blaming related to
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financial problems and what I really
6:54
tend to see especially you know not to
6:56
have gender specific assumptions but you
6:59
know if in a gender stereotype maybe the
7:01
female doesn't take as much
7:03
responsibility about the spending and
7:05
then you know you know he comes in and
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he says "We're always broke because you
7:09
spend too much money." This ignores how
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his lack of responsibility related to
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maybe the daily things that she has to
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buy for their for the kids and their
7:19
sports and their activities and the food
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and all of these other things that come
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at us and let's say the female is is
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spending all of these things but you
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know he doesn't know anything about that
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and so he comes in with this blaming
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statement about um money and it totally
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ignores the complexities of financial
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management shared responsibilities and
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budgeting and like regular communication
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about what things cost you know and I
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used a man versus woman perspective but
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this the tables could be flipped you
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know easily and I and I hear both on my
7:48
couch when it comes to blame about
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financial issues in relationships
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another time that people will use blame
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is when they talk about their own social
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interactions or connections or social
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isolation so someone might say like in a
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relationship you know I don't have any
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friends because you don't like
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socializing or you know I you don't like
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anybody so I'm always alone or we can't
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make any new friends because of that and
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so that's blame it overlooks our own
8:14
role in maintaining social connections
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we have to take responsibility for our
8:19
own interactions and you know we have to
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have a need for mutual agreement on
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social activities and conversations
8:26
about what we want to do and what we
8:27
don't want to do you know just yesterday
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I'll give you an example my husband and
8:31
I were talking about what we wanted to
8:32
do and I was super antsy and I needed to
8:35
get some exercise so I you know called
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my friend and said "Can we go for a
8:39
walk?" And you know my husband didn't
8:41
want to go and I was like "Oh but I
8:42
really want to be with you." but he was
8:44
able to say "You go do what you need to
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do it's clear you need to get out and
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get moving and so go take care of that
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i'll meet up with you later." And so we
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had this conversation but a lot of times
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you know had I left and not discussed it
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with him you know he might have blamed
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me for us not having any time together
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or maybe I would have blamed him for not
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interacting with me and we would have
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been in this blame cycle so it happens
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often in how we exchange and negotiate
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our time in relationships with others
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probably the most frequent time I hear
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couples blaming is when it comes to
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parenting and maybe one person has a
9:19
more assertive style one person has a
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more aggressive style and a parent will
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come in and you know report like you
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know the kids are acting out because
9:27
you're too lenient with them or they get
9:29
away with murder because you never
9:30
discipline and so this can be so that
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we're avoiding uh addressing our own
9:35
parenting style and the need for a more
9:38
unified approach to discipline and so
9:41
ultimately these are just a few ways
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that I see blame show up um ultimately
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to deflect responsibility and really
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avoid dealing with a deeper issue that's
9:51
coming up usually related to emotion or
9:53
responsibility and so if we recognize
9:55
these patterns it can help us take a
9:57
more introspective approach and then
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ultimately work towards healthier
10:01
communication and better relationship
10:04
dynamics so now we're going to talk
10:05
about how this happens projection and
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blame and where these things come from
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and that always goes back to trauma and
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we have to understand trauma and how our
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body works in order to recognize what's
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going on and so trauma is really
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powerlessness or things that happen to
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us that we weren't prepared to handle
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and trauma can cause feeling flashbacks
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where those past emotions and sensations
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are triggered by the current stimulus in
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our environment and so a simple example
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might be let's say I was a kid and I got
10:36
hit with a baseball and now when I'm
10:38
moving forward I'm somewhere else and I
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see something flying through the head
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and because I was hit as a kid I I
10:44
flinch or I I you know I really am
10:46
overreactive with a physical response to
10:49
perception of getting hit because I've
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got some unresolved stuff in my
10:52
childhood related to having been hit by
10:54
a ball when I was little but something
10:56
that I see more often has to do with the
10:59
relational aspects of triggers and this
11:01
is where someone is really over attuned
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to how someone else's presentation or
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their face looks they're nervous about
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disconnection because of whatever
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happened in their childhood so something
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as benign as a squinching of a face or
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it can look like judgment or
11:15
disappointment and then in someone who
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sees that who has a sensitive nervous
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system related to their own trauma they
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perceive that squinching of the face to
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mean something about them and so they're
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having a feeling flashback and these
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feeling flashbacks make us believe that
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our intense feelings are due to a
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present situation when in fact they are
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rooted in past experiences trauma often
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leads to these adaptations like
11:40
projection and blame as a way to cope
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with the unresolved pain that has
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happened because of stuff that that
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isn't now and so these mechanisms can
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become ingrained patterns that affect
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our relationships and overall well-being
11:54
in our connections and so the good news
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is we can heal these things so I love
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this phrase that I heard about healing i
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don't know if I saw it on Instagram or
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Facebook or somewhere but I just love it
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and it goes something like this like if
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we don't heal our wounds then we bleed
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on those who didn't cut us so this means
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that our unresolved trauma it can
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negatively impact our current
12:16
relationships
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and I love this little adage that uh one
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of my early mentors shared with me and
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it's a just a simple rule of thumb that
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if it's hysterical it's historical so if
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you have a hysterical response an
12:30
intense emotional reaction we know that
12:33
it's often tied to a past experience and
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so if you're if you're hijacked you want
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to recognize this is the past it's not
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now and recognizing it can help us to
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understand that our reactions might be
12:45
disproportionate to what's going on
12:47
currently so we have something to teach
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you to determine whether you're
12:52
triggered and your rejection or or your
12:53
reaction rather is yours and it's old
12:56
and how to find your way back to its
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original source so as an EMDR therapist
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we use this all the time and this is for
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us to determine where the roots are and
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so let me give you a little background
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we use a scale called the subjective
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units of disturbance it's a scale that
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helps us to gauge an intensity of
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emotions and we say where zero is
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neutral and 10 is the most disturbing
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that we can imagine and so if we rate
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our current feelings and this is how
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you're going to use it so listen up if
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you rate your current feelings of what's
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happening to you and the intensity is
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greater than a four it's likely that
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that reaction right now is yours and
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it's old and so we can get curious about
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when we might have felt this way before
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so I'm going to teach you how to pair up
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the way memory is encoded so that you
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can help yourself figure out the roots
13:45
of why you're showing up the way that
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you show up first of all is it
13:48
hysterical okay it's historical you know
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I'm disturbed over a four and so then
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what I'm going to do is I'm going to
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connect to the emotions that I'm feeling
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right now am I angry am I sad am I hurt
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am I helpless you know am I confused
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what's going on in me these are the
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one-word things emotions we're going to
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connect with our current emotions and
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we're going to focus on what's happening
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in our body the sensations and the
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thoughts that we're having so we're
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going to check in am I over a four
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disturbance what am I feeling
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emotionally and I know it sounds like a
14:20
lot but if you practice it it's going to
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get easier what am I feeling emotionally
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i'm angry i'm upset i'm hurt and then
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where do I feel it i feel my chest
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tightening i feel my shoulders
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tightening i notice that I'm getting a
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little bit hotter and then what am I
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thinking what are the thoughts that I'm
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thinking to myself i can't trust i'm not
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safe no matter what I do it's never
14:40
enough and so when I hold these items
14:43
together these components of the way
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memory gets encoded i can just slow
14:48
myself down and in my mind's eye I can
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float back in our subconscious much like
14:54
skipping a stone on the water we don't
14:56
want to go deep we just want to skip the
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stone along the top of the water with
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those things in mind and we take oursel
15:02
back to other times that feel familiar
15:05
so in our work we call that a float back
15:07
or a bridge technique but we're
15:09
ultimately pulling those aspects of
15:11
memory that are triggering us in the now
15:13
and we're figuring out we're floating
15:15
back in trauma time to figure out where
15:17
this started these unresolved memories
15:20
that got maladaptively encoded and so
15:23
we've got to you know look at our
15:24
current distressing emotions beliefs we
15:26
float back we figure it out and then we
15:29
can bridge the gap between our present
15:31
reaction and our past experiences which
15:34
ultimately allows us to process and heal
15:36
underlying trauma and so oftentimes we
15:39
can't really do much with that on our
15:40
own except for know and we can attribute
15:43
our reaction now we're stop we stop
15:45
projecting we stop blaming we recognize
15:47
this is mine and it's old we get more
15:49
responsible we might slow ourselves down
15:51
and we might not do anything with it or
15:53
we might ask for a break so we'll have
15:55
less damaging interactions in our
15:57
relationships now the good news is you
16:00
can heal from this so that the stimulus
16:02
today doesn't bother you anymore and it
16:04
just becomes like a thing that happened
16:06
in your past and it's not happening now
16:08
and you're able to tell the difference
16:10
but let me say a little bit about that
16:12
in order to do that you have to do a
16:14
bottomup therapy the preference is EMDR
16:16
therapy you can combine it with sematic
16:18
experiencing with sensory motor if you
16:20
want to learn more about the types of
16:22
therapy that are effective with this
16:23
kind of work i've got another couple of
16:25
shows we'll go ahead and put that in the
16:27
description for you so that you can link
16:28
up to it but ultimately you can get help
16:31
with these triggers but until you heal
16:34
because that's it takes time I'm going
16:36
to give you some tips to manage your
16:38
behavior or your reactions that can
16:40
shift your nervous system response so
16:44
here goes so when we perceive a threat
16:46
our body's sympathetic nervous system
16:49
activates it's the fight it's the flight
16:51
response and sometimes it's submit or
16:53
shutdown so here's some natural ways
16:55
that we can bypass that parasympathetic
16:57
nervous system response we can shift our
16:59
nervous system so the number one easy
17:02
thing to do it's free it's timely and
17:05
you always have access to it is a
17:07
breathing technique and you hear this
17:09
all the time on every Instagram post and
17:11
every other person that talks about
17:12
coping skills but oftentimes we don't
17:14
talk about how to do it so I'm going to
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walk you through you know my favorite
17:18
breathing technique and I'm going to
17:19
share a little bit with you about that
17:21
so again breathing it's always with you
17:23
it's the first and most effective way to
17:25
change states it helps us regulate our
17:27
nervous system and it can quickly calm
17:30
our body it can shift us so the first
17:32
one I want to talk about this breathing
17:33
technique is called the 478 method it
17:36
was pioneered by a Harvard trained uh Dr
17:39
andrew Whale and it's described as a
17:42
natural tranquilizer for the nervous
17:44
system it helps us to quickly reduce
17:46
that tension and allows the body to
17:48
relax so here are the steps you're going
17:51
to inhale through your nose for a count
17:53
of four
17:58
so and then you're going to hold your
18:00
breath for the count of seven and we're
18:03
going to breathe in through our nose and
18:04
we're going to have the tip of our
18:06
tongue right behind our teeth so we're
18:08
breathing in for
18:11
four and then holding for
18:16
seven and then we're going to exhale
18:18
deeply through our mouth for the count
18:20
of eight so it's in for four hold for
18:24
seven and
18:27
exhale all the way down to where it's
18:30
hard to breathe so let's do it together
18:32
once inhale through our
18:58
nose that feels better already so you're
19:01
going to repeat this cycle just a few
19:03
times knowing that it promotes
19:05
relaxation and it helps reduce
19:08
anxiety the next one we're going to do
19:10
is called box breathing and this one I
19:12
don't like quite as well because you
19:14
need to do more cycles of it and I like
19:16
that you can get you know three cycles
19:18
in the first one the four seven eight
19:20
breath and then you're really just
19:21
shifted from that nervous system
19:23
response and so box breathing the steps
19:26
are as follows we're going to inhale
19:27
slowly through your nose to the count of
19:29
four you're going to hold your breath
19:31
for a count of four you're going to
19:34
exhale slowly out your mouth to the
19:37
count of four okay and then you hold on
19:40
to your breath again for the count of
19:41
four so the cycle repeats so let's do it
19:43
together we're going to inhale for four
20:08
so this box breath is really effective
20:10
and again it'll totally shift your
20:12
nervous system response and so again
20:14
you're going to repeat this cycle a few
20:16
times and ultimately it'll regulate your
20:19
breathing reduce your stress and
20:21
increase your focus now let's say you've
20:24
done that and you're still feeling a
20:25
little bit of amped up and you need a
20:27
little bit more to disengage from that
20:29
state specific trigger physical activity
20:32
is great if you engage in something
20:34
that's strenuous for just a brief moment
20:37
it helps to automatically shift the
20:39
state from fight or flight and it shows
20:41
your body that I took care of it i
20:42
handled it and so when we have this
20:45
trigger and there's a perception of
20:46
threat some examples and I'm not going
20:48
to model these for you but you can go
20:50
for a quick sprint because a quick burst
20:53
of running can help release that
20:54
built-up tension and it ultimately
20:56
tricks your body into thinking that you
20:58
escaped that you ran you can do pull-ups
21:01
um because it can engage multiple muscle
21:02
groups and provides a physical challenge
21:04
you could do push-ups um you can do that
21:07
anywhere and it helps you focus your
21:08
energy and reduces those feelings of
21:10
anxiety but ultimately anything that
21:12
requires some additional exertion will
21:14
help shift that state but again I always
21:17
fall back to breathing because it's
21:18
always with you and it's fairly quick
21:20
and it automatically shifts that nervous
21:22
system response so ultimately these
21:24
activities can regulate your nervous
21:26
system helps provide you a sense of
21:28
control over your body's response to
21:30
stress it's going to limit your
21:32
projection and your blame oftentimes
21:35
another thing that I like to do that
21:36
I've adopted this past year is cold
21:38
punching but cold exposure can switch
21:40
the nervous system response by it takes
21:43
your natural response into a stress
21:45
response and then it when you leave that
21:47
cold it stops it so this could even be
21:48
just a cold shower and nobody wants to
21:51
take a cold shower but it quickly shifts
21:52
your body's focus and then it reduces
21:54
your stress when you're done and like I
21:56
said I started cold punching regularly
21:58
do at least 12 minutes a week and I know
22:00
that has helped me really recognize when
22:02
I'm in a shift a state of stress and
22:05
ultimately helps me switch that more
22:08
quickly now so the cold plunging really
22:11
gives you a normal awareness of the
22:13
calming effects in your body when you're
22:15
not in that state it helps you to shift
22:17
quickly so with these practices
22:20
regularly in your daily routine even if
22:22
it's just for a few minutes a day it can
22:25
help make a significant difference in
22:27
your recognition of stress in your body
22:29
and ultimately just like everything
22:31
consistency is key to seeing long-term
22:34
benefits but these things don't cost any
22:35
money and I want you to just try a few
22:38
of these techniques to find out what
22:40
works best for you and you want to
22:42
remember that healing is not linear um
22:46
we can continue to get better over time
22:48
and recognize that when we do get it
22:50
wrong we want to circle back we want to
22:53
acknowledge our mistake and we want to
22:55
recognize that when we've reacted based
22:57
on a trauma response rather than the
22:59
current situation we've got to take
23:01
accountability we want to apologize if
23:03
it's necessary and I think it's helpful
23:05
to explain to your partner how this
23:08
happened what it was connected to so
23:09
that they realize you see the pattern
23:11
and that gives them some hope that these
23:13
changes will happen because we're
23:15
learning from our experiences so that we
23:17
can improve our future responses and so
23:21
as a wrap-up we talked today about
23:23
projection we talked about blame as a
23:26
trauma response and we talked about how
23:28
to determine the root causes of these
23:30
adaptations we learned a little bit
23:32
about how to manage them while we're
23:34
healing from them and that there is a
23:36
way to heal with um EMDR therapy or
23:38
other bottomup approaches when we have
23:41
the reaction to our current stimulus and
23:43
it's creating some of those propensities
23:45
like projection and blame that we don't
23:47
really want to have and so I hope that
23:49
you found this conversation helpful make
23:52
sure you share it with a friend if you
23:53
know someone's going through some tough
23:55
moments in their relationships or you
23:57
know they get stuck in blame or
23:59
projection or someone that you trust or
24:01
that trusts you to share with them and
24:03
this is a good resource to help them
24:04
realize there is a way out we all get
24:07
stuck in these hard cycles and we want
24:09
to know that there's a way to change so
24:11
hopefully you found some benefit there
24:14
so until we meet again don't forget to
24:16
lead with love it'll never steer you
24:18
wrong
24:20
[Music]
#Self-Harm