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The Social Media Paradox: The Illusion of Connection vs. The Reality of Judgment
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over the impact of excessive smartphone and social media use on mental health and relationships. Kelly emphasizes mindfulness in behavior and highlights negative consequences of excessive social media use, such as disconnection, compromised safety, and mental health challenges. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi there
0:12
everybody today we're going to talk
0:14
about social media smartphones
0:17
technology and other ways that we use
0:19
technology to numb and it's a Hot Topic
0:22
because we are all so completely reliant
0:25
on our technology and our social media
0:27
and our phones and at the same time most
0:31
of us are pretty aware about how much
0:33
that has changed the way we feel about
0:35
ourselves and our relationship to
0:38
presence and our sense of being able to
0:41
be bored to be able to be calm to find
0:44
other things to do when we are
0:46
impulsively drawn to uh to our devices I
0:51
have to say that personally this is a
0:53
struggle for me because there's so much
0:55
that I rely on with with social media
0:57
related to business uh for our
1:00
information gathering the research that
1:01
we want to do and there's that fine line
1:04
between I went to YouTube to uh learned
1:08
something and I got stuck in the
1:10
Mindless Scroll of the shorts and before
1:12
I knew it there were hours that went by
1:15
and I'm sure many of you can relate to
1:17
this phenomenon and so today we're going
1:19
to talk a little bit about that and some
1:23
some you know chemical implication of
1:26
chemical implications of what our social
1:29
media uh perhaps lack of boundaries or
1:32
addiction is causing in our bodies and
1:34
and in a social uh perspective you know
1:38
gen generationally how things have
1:39
changed so much when I was growing up
1:42
you know we had our TV and we had our 10
1:45
channels and we had the bunny ears on
1:47
the TV and you know someone had to get
1:49
up to go change that and when I look at
1:51
how my children have been raised it's
1:53
even different in their their lives
1:55
because my older children you know we
1:56
didn't let them get phones until they
1:58
they had a job to pay for their phones
2:00
and my youngest was alone most of the
2:02
time cuz he was you know about a
2:04
seven-year spread and we wanted him to
2:07
have a way to communicate when he rode
2:08
his bike to a friend's house or things
2:09
like that so he had a phone around 12
2:12
and if I had it my way I think that we
2:16
would not do that I think it's way too
2:18
young to have so much distraction and so
2:20
much of a poll that's not in our present
2:22
surroundings especially at an important
2:24
time of our brains development so think
2:27
about your poll to your social media for
2:29
a moment moment or to your smartphone
2:32
have you found yourself in a panic when
2:34
you can't find it when it's lost whether
2:37
it's because everything that you know
2:39
about in your life and how you organize
2:40
your world is on it or because you're so
2:43
impulsively or compulsively connected to
2:46
how you spend your time related to your
2:48
social media or your phone or your
2:50
devices on on average the US population
2:54
spends 2 to 4 hours a day tapping typing
2:57
and swiping on their devices that that
2:59
adds up to over
3:01
2600 daily touches thinking about that
3:04
in our society today compared to what
3:07
once was there's a significant
3:10
difference in how we're spending our
3:11
moments on this Earth most of us has
3:14
become so intimately entwined with our
3:16
digital lives that they connect they
3:19
connect us to everything yet notice how
3:21
when you walk around for example uh you
3:24
know a park or a zoo and people have
3:26
their phone out and they're constantly
3:29
looking at it and they're in line for
3:31
something and they're constantly
3:32
scrolling people are so disconnected and
3:35
numbed out by their social media or
3:37
their devices and they don't seem to be
3:40
able to habitually be present and I
3:43
don't think this is on purpose I don't
3:45
think we're doing this because we're
3:46
trying to intentionally numb out I think
3:48
it becomes an Impulse I'll give you a
3:51
personal example my husband was noticing
3:53
like the the impulsive connection to
3:55
Instagram and so he removed it from his
3:58
phone so that he could take a break cuz
4:01
he was realizing he didn't have the
4:02
thoughtful discipline to not just grab
4:05
it whenever he found himself in moments
4:07
of boredom and he said that it took like
4:10
over a month before he would pick up his
4:12
phone and not impulsively bring his
4:14
thumb right to where his Instagram app
4:16
was and so when you think about how
4:18
habitually we respond to that data and
4:21
our stimulus it's pretty fascinating and
4:25
now there's even more ways that pull our
4:27
attention we've got Snapchat we've got
4:29
in stagram we've got Facebook got
4:31
Pinterest we've got Tik Tok which is all
4:33
their age and people lose hours and
4:35
hours and hours of their lives scrolling
4:38
mindlessly through this data for lack of
4:41
uh inability to tolerate boredom or
4:44
entertainment or just to disconnect uh
4:47
from their lives and their chaos so
4:50
we've evolved to be so social in our
4:53
species but our key connection and the
4:55
feature of success for us is to be
4:58
around about 150 people in our in our
5:02
environment and and we Thrive with a
5:04
with a circle of about 150 people that's
5:07
kind of how we do best based on research
5:10
and what we know with our devices in our
5:12
pockets is that we are now multiplying
5:16
the magnitude of our connection to over
5:18
two billion potential connections it's
5:21
insane the difference of that so there's
5:23
no doubt that our smartphones provide an
5:26
immense benefit to our society but the
5:29
cost is is becoming more and more
5:31
apparent to our mental health our
5:33
wellness and our connection so there's a
5:36
lot of studies now that are showing
5:37
links between our smartphone usage our
5:40
um our poll to social media and and our
5:44
and our poll to not having good work
5:46
life balance so we're working at all
5:48
hours of the night with our email and
5:49
our responses and our responding to to
5:52
our DMS and our teams messages and we've
5:55
seen an increase in levels of anxiety
5:57
and depression poor Sleep Quality and
6:01
increased injury from from car crashes
6:03
or even death because when you're on
6:05
your phone and you're driving you're not
6:07
paying attention and we're so
6:09
compulsively tied to this that we don't
6:11
even stop to think that I'm driving
6:13
right now and I shouldn't be on my phone
6:15
because it's so Thoughtless and
6:17
Mindless many of us wish that we spent
6:20
less time on our phone but we find it
6:22
incredibly difficult to disconnect from
6:24
it so why are our phones and our social
6:27
media why are they so hard to ignore
6:30
well there's a lot of science that backs
6:32
that first of all dopamine dopamine is
6:35
this chemical that's produced by our
6:37
brains and it it it really plays the
6:39
starring role in motivating of our
6:41
Behavior it gets released when we take a
6:43
bite of delicious food when we have sex
6:46
after we exercise uh and most
6:50
importantly when we have success
6:52
successful social interactions so in The
6:55
evolutionary context it rewards us
6:57
dopamine rewards us for beneficial
7:00
behaviors and it motivates us to repeat
7:02
them so when we think about the way
7:05
dopamine Works in our brain there's four
7:07
major Pathways in our brain that um
7:10
connect different parts that act as
7:11
highways for chemical messages and each
7:14
pathway has its own Associated cognitive
7:16
or motor process and it's been shown
7:20
that the reward Pathways in our brain
7:23
that are tied to things like social
7:25
media tend to be dysfunctional in in
7:28
cases of addiction so other things that
7:30
elicit addictive pathway responses
7:34
change the way our dopamine reward
7:35
system works and ultimately are found to
7:38
be dysfunctional so they're not working
7:40
the right way we mess up our dopamine
7:42
and we mess up the way our Pathways
7:44
function when we overuse something and
7:47
so it's really chemical and it's really
7:50
habitual the way our neurop Pathways
7:52
fire and wire so basically our
7:55
smartphones and our social media have
7:57
provided us with social stimuli both
7:59
positive and negative and we are
8:02
reinforced with the dopamine that comes
8:04
from every notification every like every
8:08
ding every um every every time that we
8:12
engage with our social media it has the
8:15
potential to be a both either a positive
8:18
or A so a negative social stimulus and
8:20
ultimately a dopamine influx so why is
8:24
this important well because first of all
8:27
we have to recognize that this is having
8:28
a tremend mendous impact on our our
8:30
health our brains and our overall
8:32
wellness and it's important for us to be
8:34
mindful that we do things that impact
8:37
our health and so we have an opportunity
8:38
to look at it but let me just talk about
8:40
some of the things that we're at risk of
8:42
if we don't so obviously this can cause
8:45
addiction excessive use negatively
8:48
impacts our mental health and it changes
8:49
the way our dopamine fires and wires but
8:52
we're seeing like I said before
8:53
increases in loneliness depression and
8:56
anxiety those moments where we're not
8:59
feeling connected we're we're um and
9:02
we've kind of messed up our dopamine
9:04
pathway we're ex we're exacerbating
9:07
experiences of loneliness that might not
9:08
have otherwise been bothersome fomo the
9:11
fear of missing out we see the lives of
9:14
others in our phones and
9:16
we imagine that we could be doing these
9:19
things but it's important to remember
9:21
that nobody is posting all of the the
9:24
the LOLs of their life or I should say
9:27
most people aren't posting those things
9:29
I realize there are people on Tik Tok
9:31
that are doing lives doing absolutely
9:34
nothing I still can't for the life of me
9:36
understand how those are being watched
9:38
but but what I do understand is most the
9:40
time we are curating a a life that shows
9:45
a tiny snapshot of what really goes on I
9:48
was talking to one of my sons last night
9:50
about this because I said I'm going to
9:51
do an episode on on social media and he
9:53
goes man I wish I was there I'd love to
9:55
be a guest you know he's 22 years old
9:57
and he's talking about all the the
9:59
things that he recognizes have kind of
10:01
messed him up related to social media
10:04
you know one of the things is that he
10:07
finds himself in an imaginary place
10:11
where he sees the way other people are
10:12
living their lives and he makes up a
10:15
story that it's always like that and so
10:17
he says when I pull myself away from
10:20
that and I find myself more present and
10:22
I'm interacting in real life I'm so much
10:24
happier but the minute that stuff stops
10:27
and I end up bored or dis connected or
10:29
lonely I find myself compulsively back
10:32
on my social media and it's a it's a
10:34
facade it's not what's true about what
10:37
people are doing and spending their time
10:39
so that fear of missing out is one of
10:41
the risks that we have by falling into
10:44
our social media at inappropriate
10:47
quantities and and it and not sending uh
10:50
not setting boundaries for ourselves
10:52
around our digital diet I've heard a lot
10:54
about people in cyber bullying and
10:57
things that can have a negative imp
10:59
impact related to cyber bullying and
11:01
powerlessness for people especially
11:03
teens you know in our community just a
11:06
month ago uh there was a story about uh
11:09
a a young man who posted images of his
11:13
girlfriend you know uh in inappropriate
11:16
pictures of her not dressed properly and
11:18
it was so devastating for her that she
11:21
actually died by Suicide that week and
11:24
so we think about the tremendous impact
11:26
that this has because that that post
11:28
went viral and it was so devastating to
11:31
her she could not overcome it and we
11:33
really minimize the impact that this
11:35
stuff has on people so I think we have a
11:37
responsibility to be educating our
11:39
children to be overseeing their um their
11:43
activity on social media we we have a
11:45
real responsibility to know what's going
11:47
on and to Monitor and some people might
11:50
argue that that's a violation of their
11:52
privacy or their safety but I think as a
11:54
parent we really have the responsibility
11:56
to know what's going on in in the phones
11:59
of our children and I think that's a
12:00
really healthy boundary to set you can
12:03
have your phone but you can only have
12:05
your phone if I have full visibility
12:06
into it when I was a kid you know you
12:09
could pass a note and it would get
12:10
tossed or it wouldn't but ultimately
12:12
there wasn't a risk of it being shown to
12:14
the whole world and so the risk was much
12:16
much smaller when we wrote something
12:19
down another risk is this idea of living
12:22
vicariously through content that's on
12:25
the internet whether it's our YouTube
12:27
shorts or whether it's you know reality
12:29
television shows that are kind of almost
12:32
emulating some of the social media
12:34
channels and things that you'll see on
12:35
social media as a way to avoid or numb
12:39
our own reality I can say that I found
12:41
myself really falling into almost an
12:44
addictive pattern of watching The
12:45
Bachelor this last year I've never
12:47
watched it before I'm I'm kind of a new
12:49
follower and I recognized that it was
12:51
kind of the same I think as people who
12:52
bury themselves in numb in in uh in
12:56
social media I was excited to see what
12:58
was going to happen it was not at all
13:00
related to my own life and it was a way
13:02
that I could really disconnect and numb
13:03
out now I'm not saying don't watch TV
13:05
shows and don't be on social media what
13:07
I'm saying is be mindful you know I'll
13:09
I'll tell my my clients it's fine if you
13:12
sit and eat a bucket of ice cream just
13:14
with the awareness of knowing I'm
13:15
sitting here and I'm eating my feelings
13:17
so if you're aware and you're connected
13:19
to the motivation behind a behavior
13:21
there's a much higher likelihood that
13:23
you're going to have mindful connection
13:24
to that and manage the time that you
13:27
spend doing that one of the other things
13:30
that I notice a lot in in our clients
13:33
and in my family system is that chronic
13:36
impulsive connection to the to their
13:38
social media and the smartphones really
13:40
disconnects us from one another so we're
13:43
not present we're not um we're not
13:47
feeling as connected and that can lead
13:49
to feelings of like inad adequacy and
13:52
low self-esteem you know I know if I'm
13:54
present with people I find myself
13:56
thinking what are you doing in there why
13:58
are you doing that instead of paying
13:59
attention to the conversation that we're
14:01
having right it makes me feel bad and so
14:03
recognizing that that pull is having an
14:06
impact on the people around you so it's
14:08
important to set boundaries around
14:09
social media use and time it can lead to
14:12
a lack of privacy right it can
14:14
negatively impact our mental health and
14:15
our relationships when we post things
14:17
that are that are um personal in nature
14:21
or maybe our family posts things that
14:23
are not uh we haven't given them
14:24
permission to post and so we're kind of
14:27
upset about the choice they made and I'm
14:29
negatively impacted because of a choice
14:31
someone else made so that can that can
14:33
compromise my safety and Trust in a
14:35
relationship and so we want to be
14:36
mindful about how we choose to post and
14:39
how it's going to impact the people
14:40
around us decreasing the face-to-face
14:43
conversation by way of social media and
14:47
texting negatively impacts our
14:49
relationships in a whole slew of ways I
14:53
joke with some of my clients because
14:54
they'll go well we were texting and we
14:56
were fighting via text I I I say to my I
14:59
say to myself I say to them I could have
15:01
an entire business based on texting
15:04
fights or posting fights because it
15:06
takes out the tone it takes out our
15:08
connection and often times we are not
15:11
brave enough to say to a person and
15:15
we're more curated and managed if we
15:17
were going to say something directly to
15:19
somebody's face and so we will say
15:21
things in a text when we are in a
15:22
triggered state or on a social media
15:24
post on a triggered state that doesn't
15:27
probably reflect what we would do if we
15:29
were just face to face having a
15:31
conversation with somebody so it's
15:33
really negative it really has the
15:35
potential to negatively impact
15:36
relationships if we're not moving in and
15:39
talking with people directly another
15:41
issue that can come from excessive
15:43
social media use would be a lack of
15:45
empathy and understanding again we're
15:47
seeing something posted and we aren't
15:50
necessarily feeling the tone the emotion
15:53
the whole picture of what someone might
15:55
be going through based on that what
15:57
prompted that post
15:59
and so there's it's it's two-dimensional
16:01
and we're not interacting with the full
16:03
truth of someone's experience and so
16:05
that can create assumptions which can
16:07
negatively impact our
16:09
relationships that can ultimately
16:12
contribute to a lack of trust uh lack of
16:15
authenticity lack of intimacy and these
16:18
things all negatively impact our
16:21
relationships because it decreases our
16:23
emotional connection with one
16:26
another how many of you have experienced
16:28
times where you're laying in bed and
16:30
your partner and you are just laying on
16:32
your phones you're not touching you're
16:34
not making eye contact you're not
16:37
supporting one another or checking in on
16:39
what where they are in their emotional
16:40
world and their in your lives because
16:42
you're both impulsively or compulsively
16:45
checking out and numbing out on your
16:47
phones so this really creates a lot of
16:49
disconnection in relationships that are
16:51
that are meant to be intimate and
16:53
connecting it leads to a lack of social
16:56
support possibly and oftentimes even a
16:59
lack of self-care you know I forgot to
17:02
take a shower because I was so busy
17:03
checked out that now I'm late and and I
17:06
didn't eat and and we see this not only
17:09
with social media but we see this with
17:11
video games it's a way to to disconnect
17:13
and numb out and almost find yourself in
17:16
a fantasy in a life that isn't actual as
17:19
a way to disconnect from my present
17:21
reality and so it's just another thing
17:23
we want to be really aware of and pay
17:26
attention you know develop some
17:28
self-awareness around the hours that you
17:30
spend doing these kinds of activities
17:33
and monitor the the people that you're
17:35
responsible for your children and how
17:37
they're spending time with these
17:39
activities because we really are
17:41
creating Pathways in the brain that are
17:43
lifelong and it can take a lot of of um
17:47
intention and change and mindfulness to
17:49
change this habituated response because
17:52
of the amount of dopamine and the wiring
17:54
that have happened as a result of
17:56
excessive use so it's not all Doom and
17:58
Gloom we have some tips here that you
18:00
can use to help change your relationship
18:03
with your smartphones with your social
18:04
media and with with the way that you
18:06
numb out so one way is turn off your
18:09
notifications and alerts set time in
18:12
your life where you're going to go check
18:13
things out and and time box it these
18:16
Badges and these notifications they're
18:18
designed to draw your attention back to
18:20
your phone and and so we're encouraging
18:23
you reclaim your time to diminish the
18:26
effect that it has on the dopamine
18:27
reward and motivating you to go back
18:30
check out instructions for your specific
18:32
device under your additional resources
18:34
so that you can learn how to change your
18:36
notifications and your badges you can
18:38
change things on your phone to go to
18:40
focus mode so use your device settings
18:43
to turn off distractions you can you can
18:45
change your um backgrounds to grayscale
18:49
because it makes it less visually
18:50
stimulating and so it's not as much of a
18:53
pull you know the designers of these
18:55
apps are brilliant they are designed for
18:58
a reason to pull you in using the same
19:01
technology that slot machine makers are
19:03
using in in gambling environments
19:06
there's a quick hit a quick hit a quick
19:08
hit and so these are all absolutely on
19:11
purpose they're they're um they're
19:13
designed to pull us in and honestly to
19:16
diminish our choices because we're so um
19:19
blinded by the emotional and the
19:22
physical and the chemical impact that
19:25
these choices and behaviors have on us
19:27
so decentivize their use make it harder
19:30
for yourself to constantly engage with
19:32
these apps by maybe not saving a
19:35
password so you have to go retype it in
19:36
every time to so it'll in in hinder your
19:39
desire hide them from your home screen
19:42
so you have to swipe several pages in
19:44
order to find those apps um use them
19:48
exclusively on a tablet or computer so
19:50
they're not always at the ready time
19:52
boxing yourself around specific things
19:54
that you know you get sucked into and it
19:56
pulls you away reduce the harm your
19:59
emotional impact what I mean by this is
20:02
unfollow accounts that negatively impact
20:04
your health things that bring up
20:05
frustration aggravation take an
20:08
inventory once or twice a year and
20:10
remove apps that um that you no longer
20:13
use or remove them all every year and
20:16
then specifically have to go in and
20:18
intentionally download the ones that you
20:20
have decided again making intention
20:22
about how you spend your time eliminate
20:25
outrage or clickbait we vote with our
20:27
attention and click so don't support
20:29
sites that pollute our culture our
20:31
environment with vitriol via clickbait
20:33
and outrage unfollow outrage chasing
20:36
voices so unfollow purposefully
20:39
outrageous Twitter accounts Facebook
20:42
groups um start fresh and intentionally
20:44
choose the voices that you expose
20:46
yourself to because these all these
20:48
pages that you follow that create
20:50
negative uh emotions or frustrating
20:53
they're doing that on purpose you want
20:55
to remove polarizing media Outlets from
20:58
from your newsfeed both Fox News and and
21:01
MSNBC are examples of these they are on
21:04
purpose polarizing us and pulling us
21:07
into sides that don't represent a full
21:09
picture of things follow positive new
21:11
sources that don't always need to be
21:13
upsetting you know there's a lot of
21:15
positive new sources that are uplifting
21:17
find them and install those so that
21:19
you're intentional about the exposure
21:22
for your for your news diet create
21:24
tech-free spaces in your home and in
21:26
your environments clear your morning and
21:29
evenings like I said that first 49
21:31
minutes and last 49 minutes of the day
21:34
really are best to be technology free
21:36
device free dinners charge out charge
21:39
your devices outside of your room so
21:41
that you're not as uh pulled to be on
21:43
them get a dedicated alarm clock that's
21:45
what I hear a lot of times from my
21:46
clients well but that's my alarm buy an
21:48
alarm clock they're $10 at Walmart or
21:50
Target and use that so that you can
21:52
remove the phones from your bedside
21:54
table every once in a while do a digital
21:56
detox remove your yourself and let
21:58
everybody know hey I'm going to be
22:00
unavailable on my social media I'm going
22:02
to reconnect with myself and my loved
22:04
ones and I'm going to take a break from
22:06
technology it's good for your brain it
22:08
reduces the harmful effects that it has
22:10
on us and pick dates to be offline
22:13
regularly you know let your friends and
22:15
family family know every Sunday I'm
22:18
offline people so I'm going to set some
22:20
appropriate expectations about what you
22:22
can expect from me because I'm not going
22:23
to be on them again these are
22:26
opportunities for you to take a ation
22:29
from the the pull and the drive that are
22:32
designed specifically to Rob us of our
22:35
time and of our choices and to change
22:37
the way our brains work and we by
22:40
knowing can make different choices and
22:42
we can take back the power of our life
22:45
and we can be intentional about how we
22:47
spend our time and our minutes on this
22:49
Earth in hopes that we go back to more
22:53
connection and cultivating Rich
22:56
face-to-face experiences
22:58
and learning something new being curious
23:01
exploring your environments around you
23:04
and going back to to less pull to the
23:07
technological um Arena that we all live
23:10
in being intentional about how we change
23:13
and how we expose ourselves so hopefully
23:15
you found this helpful and interesting
23:18
and that you look at some ways in your
23:20
life you can do a little bit of a
23:21
digital detox and take back some of the
23:24
time in your life and see how you feel
23:27
my guess is it's going to be a pretty
23:29
big Improvement so thank you so much for
23:31
tuning in I appreciate your time and I
23:35
wish you the best and don't forget to
23:37
lead with love it'll never steer you
23:41
[Music]
23:56
wrong
23:57
[Music]
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