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Improve your Relationships by understanding Gottman's 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse
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Apr 11, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and how they impact relationships. These four behaviors—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—can erode trust and connection over time. Understanding them helps identify destructive patterns and replace them with healthier communication strategies. Learn how to recognize and counter these behaviors to strengthen your relationships. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
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adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody Welcome to adaptable I'm your
0:15
host Kelly ooro and I'm really happy to
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have you here today I'm hopeful that the
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topic we're going to discuss will give
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you some insight into some of the things
0:24
that you do when you are in conflict
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with your partner or with friends or um
0:30
know even co-workers we tend to fall
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into different roles and then when we're
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in conflict or when we're in
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disconnection we can adapt to those
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conflicts and our pain and our hurt and
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our raw spots in ways that are not
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usually useful and today we're going to
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talk about the Four Horsemen of the
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Apocalypse understanding this and the
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impact to relationships is really
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helpful because if you do some of these
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things and most of us do let's be honest
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and you can make some changes in
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Conflict then you're likely to build
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repair faster and to Circle back and to
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take accountability so that you can be
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back in connection and so we're going to
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discuss the concept today and The Four
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Horsemen of the Apocalypse is not a
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Biblical perspective but it's a metaphor
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for behaviors that can lead to breakdown
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in our relationships the concept was
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popularized by Dr John gotman he's a
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renowned psychologist and he and his
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wife Julie gotman um are up in
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Washington and they are really famous
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for so many contributions to the field
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of psychology and counseling related to
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couples and they had an amazing
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experiment where they had people living
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in apartments and they were watching the
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Dynamics all of the time to gather data
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and so their research is really
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beautiful and robust and as a result of
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some of their research they identifi
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four communication styles that can
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predict the end of relationships so
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we're going to discuss where this idea
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comes from and what these behaviors are
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and ultimately how they cause
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disconnection then there's going to be
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healthy alternatives to these strategies
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so that you can get back in connection
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so the term for Horsemen of the
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Apocalypse it sounds really heady but it
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originates from The Book of Revelation
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in the New Testament of the Bible uh and
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these Horsemen symbolize Conquest War
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famine and death and they represent
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catastrophic events that bring about the
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end of times I know it's really intense
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and heavy but I really like the way he
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labels these items because when you
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think about Behavior it's helpful to
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have an association that makes sense
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when we recognize our patterns and so Dr
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gotman adapted this metaphor to describe
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four destructive communication patterns
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in our relationships the first one is
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criticism then we have contempt we have
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defensiveness and then we have
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stonewalling so let me break those down
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for you first of all criticism this one
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is probably a little bit more obvious
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but it involves when we attack we attack
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our partner's character or personality
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rather than addressing a specific
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behavior so it often starts with a
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phrase like you always or you never so
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you never help around the house or
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you're so lazy so these are like
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character assassinations and they can
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really create pain in your partner in
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someone that you're involved with and so
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criticism can make another person feel
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attacked it leads to feelings of hurt it
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makes them feel rejected sometimes
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withdrawn and it sets the stage for
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further negative interactions and
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ultimately it erodes the foundation of
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trust and respect in your relationship
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the next concept is contempt so contempt
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it's a form of disrespect it conveys a
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sense of superiority over your partner
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or the person with whom you're in
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interactions with uh it includes sarcasm
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name calling eye rolling and mocking and
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sometimes it can just
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be and so this sort of contempt it just
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creates disconnection in the
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relationship so an example might be like
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someone saying oh you're tired Cry Me a
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River so it's really dismissive it
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doesn't account for someone else's
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experience and if you respond well I've
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been working all day and you just sit
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around not doing anything this is a real
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meaty example of what contempt can look
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like and in relationships where this is
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a continuous pattern you can hear it in
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the way that people talk with one
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another and it's so hard to be around if
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you hear contempt it's the most damaging
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of the Four Horsemen uh it conveys
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disgust disrespect and it always makes
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the other person feel worthless and
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despised and it can lead to a really
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toxic environment where positive
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interactions are really rare the third
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of the for Horsemen is defensiveness and
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this one I have to be honest this is the
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one that happens fast for me I'm
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impulsive and I have ADHD and so I
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noticed this one is the one that my
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husband calls me out on the most
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frequently so defensiveness is a way of
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protecting on self from our perceived
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attack it deflects blame or it makes
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excuses it often involves counterattacks
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or falling into the victim role which I
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discussed in the Cartman's drama
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triangle episode so dig into that one if
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you want to learn more about being the
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victim an example is if someone says
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something to you and your immediate
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usually quick response is it's not my
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fault we're late you always take forever
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to get ready and if you're really quick
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and impulsive this one tends to be the
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fast response and it is the
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defensiveness creates disconnection and
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so it prevents effective communication
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it prevents problem solving and
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oftentimes it escalates the conflict and
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ultimately prevents your partner from
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taking responsibility for their actions
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and it leads to further disconnection
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and so if this is one of the habits that
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you have you want to definitely look at
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that because it doesn't take into
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account whatever is going on in you so
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the next of the Four Horsemen is
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stonewalling stonewalling occurs when
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one partner withdraws from an
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interaction and they shut down and then
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they refuse to engage so it often
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involves avoiding eye contact walking
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away the silent treatment or even you
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know like physically leaving the house
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or driving off now that's not to say say
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that a healthy boundary being set if
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you're in Conflict where you're going to
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lose your crap and you're going to get
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really angry stonewalling shouldn't be
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confused with I need to take a minute I
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love you I'm not my best self and I've
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got to take a break I'm going to walk
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around the block and I'm going to come
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back that's different than someone who
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just disconnects from the engagement and
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then never circles back to resolve the
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conflict and so for someone with um a
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preoccupied anxious attachment
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stonewalling really kicks up someone's
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um anxiety around being in disconnection
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especially in a partner situation and so
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this can be really painful uh not like
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all of them aren't painful but this one
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creates a lot of disconnection in
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someone with an anxious attachment style
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so for example if you're in an argument
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and one partner stops responding and
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walks away that would be considered
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stonewalling especially if it doesn't
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start with let me take a break I can't
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do this right now I need to cool off so
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stonewalling creates a sense of
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Abandonment and isolation in the person
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that it's done to it prevents resolution
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of the conflict it leaves to unresolved
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connection and often increased emotional
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distance and
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frustration so we want to look at ways
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that we can deal with these four
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horsemen in relationships so that we can
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show up better for our partners it's not
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to say that we're going to be perfect
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all of the time but we want to practice
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some things so the first thing I'm going
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to explain to you is what we call the
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gentle startup so instead of criticizing
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you want to use a gentle startup to
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express your feelings ings and needs and
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it excludes blame on your partner so
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you're going to use an eye statement and
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you're going to focus on a specific uh
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Behavior so you might say something like
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you know I feel overwhelmed when the
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house is messy can we work together to
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keep it tidy and that helps to build a
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culture of appreciation and respect
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which leads me to the second concept
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that we want to get better at when it
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comes to uh eliminating these Four
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Horsemen of the Apocalypse behaviors so
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building a culture of appreciation and
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respect that the Gman describe as one of
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the most important parts of longevity in
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a relationship and so if we have issues
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or problems in our moments and we're
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able to combat contempt by regularly
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expressing appreciation gratitude and
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respect for our partner and we focus on
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positive interactions and acknowledge
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each other's efforts this helps to make
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those moments of criticism or feedback
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easier to take without defensiveness so
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an example for this and I think this is
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an area that my husband and I are really
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really good with and it's an area that I
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focus on a lot because I want to make
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sure that the small things are
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appreciated so this is like thanking
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someone for cooking or taking the trash
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out or showing gratitude for gentle
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moments or volunteering for something to
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go pick up the food or things like that
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and just really showing those
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appreciations can really help to build
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culture of connection and compatibility
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the third thing that we have to do and
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this one really makes conflict a lot
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easier to resolve from from is taking
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responsibility so instead of being
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defensive you want to take
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responsibility for your part in the
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conflict you want to acknowledge your
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mistakes and work towards a solution
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this doesn't mean that it's easy to say
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you know I really blew it that wasn't my
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best or when I lost my temper or I
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walked away I'm really sorry that I did
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that you deserve a better version of me
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in our relationship so it's just simple
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like taking responsibility if you're
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late I'm sorry that I was late I should
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have managed my time better and this can
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help people not fall into a critical
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role as well and so we want to make sure
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that we're taking responsibility for our
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errors the next thing we want to work on
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is self- soothing and re-engagement and
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so it's not anyone else's job to make
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sure that you're okay your emotions are
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out of balance and you're feeling
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disregulated so when you feel
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overwhelmed and you're tempted to
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Stonewall you have to practice your own
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self- soothing techniques like de
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breathing or taking a short break or
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taking a quick walk then you want to
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re-engage in the conversation with the
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calmer mindset so that might look like I
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need a moment to calm down can we take a
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break and talk about this in let's say
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10 minutes I'll Circle back if I'm not
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ready in 10 minutes and you know maybe
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even set a timer to hold yourself
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responsible then I need to come back and
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say it's been 10 minutes and I'm going
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to need a little bit more time to kind
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of cool off so when we recognize and we
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address those four horsemen in our
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relationships that we can prevent the
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disconnection and we can build healthier
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more fulfilling connections with our
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partners remember any work that we do on
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relationships it's not about not having
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conflict we're going to have conflict in
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our relationships the point in
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relationships isn't that we don't have
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conflict it's that we are able to take
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accountability we can understand our
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part in the Dynamics and we can Circle
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back and take ownership and we can
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course correct with healthy
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communication and honor and respect
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towards our partners or the people that
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we're in relationship with because these
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things can happen even outside of just
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our Partnerships ultimately conflict
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isn't what determines the success of a
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relationship it's just how we manage it
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so the more work that you do to
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understand your part in things the
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better you get at circling back and I
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always tell couples that I work with in
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couples counseling it's not that we're
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going to eliminate conflict it's that
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we're going to help you identify what's
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happening faster we're going to help you
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understand your part of the cycle that
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you fall into the negative interaction
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cycle and then we're going to really dig
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in to figure out what is motivating that
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what are our pain points and our raw
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spots and our history we're going to
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circle back and we're going to take
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accountability so that we can get into
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connection and so ultimately couples
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that are good with this circling back
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part they have much healthier
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relationships and they have better
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positive interactions they have
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constructive communication patterns and
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ultimately happier and healthier
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relationships so I hope that this little
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nugget from John gotman gives you some
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insight into some of the destructive
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patterns that you you show up with in
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relationships and when you're hurt and
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when you have a raw spot that got hit
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that you're able to really look at those
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patterns and use one of these strategies
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to return to connection faster to
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demonstrate healthier communication
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patterns to address things in your
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relationships that are problematic so
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that you can come up collectively with
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solutions to these problems and
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ultimately have healthier lives in your
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relationships so thank you so much for
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tuning in to adaptable today I hope that
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you found this helpful and I just want
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to remind you that until we meet again
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don't forget to lead with love it'll
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never steer you wrong
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[Music]
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