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Big Feelings: Understanding Emotions
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Understanding emotions is crucial because they are the intricate language of our inner world, profoundly shaping our thoughts, actions, and interactions. Emotions serve as powerful signals that guide us through life's complexities, helping us adapt and thrive. Firstly, comprehending emotions enables effective self-awareness. When we recognize and name our emotions, we gain insight into our desires, needs, and motivations. This self-awareness empowers us to make informed decisions, manage stress, and cultivate resilience. Secondly, emotions play a pivotal role in our relationships. Recognizing and empathizing with others' emotions fosters deeper connections and effective communication. It helps build trust, resolve conflicts, and promote healthier interactions. Moreover, emotions are integral to decision-making. They provide valuable information about what matters to us and can guide choices that align with our values and goals. Emotions also impact our physical and mental well-being. Chronic emotional stress can lead to health issues, while positive emotions enhance overall happiness and psychological resilience. In essence, understanding emotions is essential for navigating life's intricacies. It empowers us to live authentically, build meaningful relationships, make sound decisions, and prioritize our well-being. Ultimately, emotional intelligence is the key to a more fulfilling and harmonious life. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:01
foreign
0:07
I'm Kelly ohoro and this is adaptable
0:10
Behavior explained hi everybody thanks
0:13
for tuning in today we're going to talk
0:15
about emotions and I know that we
0:17
discussed emotions in a previous episode
0:19
but today we're going to take a deeper
0:21
dive because they really are the
0:22
Catalyst for every single behavior that
0:25
we ever did since the time we were born
0:28
for now and forever emotions are the
0:30
first thing that happens and they're
0:32
chemical in nature so we want to talk
0:34
first about what they are they serve a
0:36
purpose they're not random or
0:39
meaningless they they serve a purpose we
0:42
take in data and they play a crucial
0:44
role in helping us adapt and respond to
0:46
the world around us each emotion serves
0:49
a purpose so for example here a fear
0:52
helps protect ourselves from danger
0:54
sadness helps us to process loss
0:57
happiness reinforces positive behaviors
1:00
Pride motivates future behavior when we
1:03
feel proud of ourselves we want to keep
1:05
feeling proud and we want to do other
1:07
things that motivate future Behavior so
1:09
all emotions are really critical
1:11
critical and important and there are no
1:13
bad emotions I love that the movie
1:15
Inside Out came out because it made this
1:17
conversation so much more easy to have I
1:20
think everybody in the whole wide world
1:22
should watch this movie I know they've
1:23
done such an excellent job they had
1:25
brilliant writers on the the team to
1:28
make sure sure that it's accurate and so
1:30
if you haven't watched Inside Out you
1:32
need to do that but in that story what
1:34
we learn is the emotions that are that
1:37
are um inside of Riley who is the main
1:40
character they are driving all of her
1:43
behaviors and we get to see that from a
1:45
really creative space ever wonder why
1:47
you feel the way you do we'll get to
1:50
know your emotions
1:51
[Music]
1:53
when life gets you down that's when
1:56
sadness takes over this is sadness with
2:00
a caring touch and a kind heart sadness
2:03
leaps into action to let you I said
2:05
sadness leaps into action sadness
2:08
oh sadness so if you haven't seen Inside
2:11
Out watch this movie uh but I want you
2:15
to keep in mind that in that movie
2:16
sadness is actually the hero and until
2:19
and unless we get to the grief and the
2:21
sadness of her experiences she doesn't
2:23
resolve her
2:25
um her stuck spot so watching inside out
2:27
with sadness as the hero is the key so
2:29
emotions are complex and they're
2:32
multifaceted and they're often
2:33
interconnected so what that means is
2:35
sometimes I'm happy and I'm sad at the
2:38
same time sometimes I'm confused and I'm
2:41
scared but I'm relieved depending on
2:43
what the information is about and so
2:45
we're not always sitting in just one
2:47
emotion we have complex varied emotion
2:49
and they can arise from a combination of
2:52
both internal and external factors
2:54
including our thoughts our beliefs past
2:58
experiences inform how we interface with
3:01
today's current circumstances and
3:03
emotion changes depending on what our
3:06
history indicates sometimes
3:08
understanding the root causes of an
3:10
emotion can be challenging and so they
3:13
might be influenced by a combination of
3:15
factors so sometimes when you think that
3:17
you're just anxious today and you don't
3:19
understand why and you're looking around
3:21
at the world going there's not really a
3:23
reason for me to be anxious oftentimes
3:25
that anxiety is rooted in something from
3:28
the past so we want to really get
3:29
curious and learn about where our
3:30
emotions got stuck and thwarted in in
3:33
time and when we can address that we can
3:36
help ourselves move through to
3:38
resolution so that today we're not
3:40
feeling anxious when there's no
3:42
ecological reason to be anxious the good
3:45
news about emotions is that they can be
3:47
regulated the bad news is it's not by
3:49
stuffing them it's not by hiding from
3:52
them it's not by numbing them because
3:53
ultimately that's just a Band-Aid on a
3:55
broken ankle we want to make sure that
3:58
we acknowledge our emotions that we lean
4:00
into them that we look at them as data
4:02
what are they trying to tell me about
4:04
myself what do I need to pay better
4:06
attention to in my life how can I better
4:08
honor my emotional experience because
4:10
it's a natural response and so when we
4:13
lean into our emotions oftentimes we
4:16
have a better time at getting them
4:17
managed when I say managed it doesn't
4:19
mean shoving them away but acknowledging
4:21
recognizing looking at them so that they
4:24
can move through emotion is temporary
4:27
they all have a beginning a middle and
4:29
an end and what I tell my clients when
4:31
we're doing reprocessing with EMDR
4:33
therapy is that even at their most
4:35
heightened or aroused State they will
4:39
only ever last for about 90 seconds
4:41
until they plateau and they turn and
4:43
they start to soften so emotions are not
4:45
life-threatening although sometimes we
4:47
were taught that they are or we were not
4:48
acknowledged that our emotions are are
4:50
valid or important and we can regulate
4:53
them in short term with State change
4:56
things like mindfulness relaxation
4:59
techniques getting support from others
5:01
sharing with a friend those things can
5:03
calm down we can also help to get our
5:06
emotional states that are from past
5:09
experiences resolved through seeking
5:12
support like EMDR therapy or other
5:14
bottom-up therapeutic techniques now the
5:17
topic of emotions is so fascinating and
5:20
we learn more all the time and so we've
5:23
got a history of understanding emotions
5:25
through you know renowned psychologists
5:27
such as Paul Ekman he discusses facial
5:30
expressions and how all different facial
5:32
expressions mean different emotions
5:33
Richard Lazarus he talks about stress
5:37
coping and emotion we've got Jacques
5:40
pink sep who was a primary influence for
5:42
me in my earliest years of of being a
5:44
therapist because he talks about the
5:47
emotional systems in the brain and the
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primary emotional system in animals such
5:51
as play seeking and fear and I'll talk a
5:54
little bit more about that in a few
5:56
minutes brene Brown has come through
5:58
with so much beautiful research and
6:00
she's my she's my hero in our field
6:03
because she's made it so normal to talk
6:06
about she's got her you know called to
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courage on Netflix she's got atlas of
6:10
the Heart on HBO and she's making the
6:13
conversation really commonplace and that
6:16
is such a relief for those of us in this
6:18
industry because it's a huge barrier
6:20
that we don't have to overcome when we
6:22
can just tell someone to go watch a
6:23
Netflix special to better understand you
6:26
know vulnerability shame empathy and
6:28
courage and so it's a really exciting
6:31
time to learn about this but it's also a
6:34
really a much easier time for people to
6:36
talk about emotion because it's it
6:38
shouldn't be shamed so a little bit
6:41
about Jacques pink sep and how I learned
6:42
about emotion initially before I became
6:45
a daring way facilitator with the brene
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brown curriculum is he talks about the
6:51
seeking system he talks about the ray
6:53
age system the fear system the panic and
6:56
grief system the play system which is
6:59
really important to bring attention to
7:01
play we all need to exercise our play
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circuits and the care system and he
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talks about emotion on a Continuum and
7:07
so it's really helpful for us to
7:09
understand that emotion is is not linear
7:12
it's fluid and there's a Continuum of
7:14
emotion for example with Rage that's on
7:17
the the further end of of more
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aggression
7:21
when things go wrong
7:23
anger is there this is anger he will
7:28
make sure the world knows anger is in
7:31
control
7:33
but what you really need to watch out
7:35
for is when he's out of control
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but then it can come down to resentment
7:41
or a frustration in that same circuit
7:44
all of those emotions sit on that same
7:46
circuit and so we can titrate from Rage
7:49
all the way down and we can understand
7:50
that they all are just data they mean
7:53
something and we need to pay attention
7:54
to the emotions that are in our bodies
7:57
related to our environment so when we
7:59
talk about brene Brown and again I'm
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going to talk mostly about her and her
8:03
influence of research on our profession
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and and she's a grounded Theory
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researcher so I love that there are no
8:09
outliers with her work and she really
8:11
informs the way that I see things
8:13
related to emotion and she just released
8:16
this book Atlas of the heart this is
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like
8:19
such an awesome book I highly recommend
8:21
that everyone owns this in fact this
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year everyone that I love got this for
8:25
Christmas after we got after it was
8:28
released and it's just such an awesome
8:31
book to to have and I leave it on my
8:33
coffee table I have it
8:35
um I have it where I live and that way
8:36
we can refer to it and something that we
8:39
did my husband and I did when we got the
8:41
book is he's in the field as well and we
8:44
started reading the chapters together
8:46
and so I would read aloud and we'd read
8:48
the chapter and we'd talk about the
8:49
emotions and even as an expert in this
8:51
field I found myself corrected with
8:54
certain uh misnomers that I had about
8:57
emotion and so part of what makes this
8:59
conversation so important is that we
9:02
really need to be speaking the same
9:03
language we need to be understanding you
9:06
know that shame is different than guilt
9:08
and that rage is different than anger
9:10
and that resentment is part of anger
9:11
it's just in the circuit that is um it's
9:14
a little bit more titrated than
9:16
full-fledged anger or rage and so this
9:19
resource is awesome I highly recommend
9:21
it it was a really connecting activity
9:23
for my husband and I to do it gave us
9:25
something to talk about it encouraged us
9:27
to turn off the television and of course
9:29
I had more Rich vocabulary and
9:32
conversation that I could have with my
9:33
clients so I always love when I can have
9:35
a twofer with anything so the biggest
9:38
piece that Bernay talks about is that we
9:40
have to embrace vulnerability embracing
9:43
vulnerability it's the birthplace of Joy
9:45
creativity love and connection and a lot
9:49
of our clients talk about vulnerability
9:51
as weakness and so I wanted to read you
9:53
a little excerpt from from her book that
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I think is so critical vulnerability is
9:58
not weakness it's our greatest measure
10:00
of courage
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and when I think about that statement it
10:04
really helps to unshame clients when
10:06
they come in and they are so afraid to
10:09
be vulnerable because of the messages
10:10
that they received in their family
10:12
system that it was weakness that there
10:14
was uh statements in their homes made
10:16
about
10:17
um you know things that were gender
10:19
stereotypical like don't cry like a baby
10:22
or real Boys Don't Cry or you know kind
10:25
of a pull up your bootstraps mentality
10:27
and it's really poor misinformation and
10:30
it really keeps people stuck because
10:31
it's just not good data and so we need
10:34
to embrace the fact that vulnerability
10:36
is courage it's not weakness when I have
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clients come in I'm like you are the
10:41
you're the hero in your family you're
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actually the badass that is brave enough
10:45
to come face the emotional experience of
10:47
your story rather than sitting out in
10:49
your life shoving everything underneath
10:51
the rug and drinking a six-pack every
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night that's not brave that's lacking in
10:55
in bravery when you're not willing to go
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face what's causing some of the
10:59
symptomology or the reactivity in your
11:01
story it's really courageous to face
11:03
your emotion and ultimately being able
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to recover an emotional life and going
11:08
from a gray area where things were
11:10
blunted to coming to a full rainbow of
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emotions is really the full opportunity
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to live our most rich Human Experience
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and it's how we were hardwired it's how
11:20
we were made and so it's really
11:22
important that this topic becomes much
11:24
more discussed because we are really
11:26
denying ourselves our truest humanity
11:29
and it's what makes us different than
11:30
every species as the array of emotions
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that we are capable of having and so we
11:36
want to learn to be authentic and open
11:38
about our emotions and our experiences
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even if it makes us feel exposed or
11:43
uncertain because that's what creates
11:45
and cultivates Rich authentic real
11:47
connection so in brene's book daring
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greatly she talks about the concept of
11:52
vulnerability and how it relates to
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shame and fear and a lot of us don't
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really understand that before we start
11:58
digging in and researching and it's
12:00
really important to understand how they
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they interrelate so by allowing
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ourselves to be vulnerable and
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acknowledging our emotions we can lead
12:08
more fulfilling and connected lives and
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ultimately recognizing how these
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emotions connect is essential because we
12:17
can't heal what we don't understand and
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we certainly can't heal what we don't
12:21
allow ourselves to feel one thing that I
12:23
think is important to dig into in this
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conversation is shame resilience so
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shame is an shame can be a barrier to
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embracing our emotions fully we going
12:34
back to a client who you know is afraid
12:36
to feel vulnerable they don't want to
12:38
talk about their emotions they are
12:40
embarrassed to cry in front of even me
12:42
as their therapist because they feel a
12:45
tremendous amount of Shame and so the
12:47
importance of building shame resilience
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is that if we don't challenge the
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feelings of Shame and unworthiness it'll
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hold us back in our lives we want to be
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able to show up for ourselves and others
13:00
with both empathy and compassion because
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cultivating empathy and compassion
13:04
towards ourselves and others is
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ultimately how we can connect in the
13:08
most rich deep meaningful way
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understanding and validating our own
13:12
emotions and those of others can lead to
13:15
Stronger healthier relationships and
13:18
greater emotional well-being so I want
13:21
to go back to the concept of Shame
13:23
resilience and I want to read a little
13:24
bit about about shame resilience and why
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it's so important that we understand
13:29
this because like I talked about before
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it's such a barrier to connection so
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first let's make sure we're all on the
13:36
same page about what shame is because a
13:39
lot of people misunderstand shame
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shame is actually such a deeply rooted
13:45
full contact emotion it affects our
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whole physiology and so the word shame
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the emotion shame kind of lends itself
13:54
toward I am bad it's the focus is on
13:57
self not a behavior so it leaves no room
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for course correction and the result is
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feeling flawed and Unworthy of Love
14:04
belonging and connection shame is not a
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driver of positive change so it doesn't
14:09
leave room for a change in Behavior so
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an example of a shameful moment is you
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get back a quiz and your grade is an F
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your self-talk is I am so stupid so
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myself inherently is is the Badness
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whereas guilt which is different is I
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did something bad
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the focus is on the behavior and guilt
14:30
is the discomfort we feel when we
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evaluate what we've done or failed to do
14:34
against our values it can drive positive
14:37
change and behavior so this self-talk
14:39
sounds more like when you get your quiz
14:41
back and the grade is an F the self-talk
14:44
is because you went to the party instead
14:46
of studying for the quiz is I I behave
14:49
so stupid or I made such a bad decision
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versus with shame the fact that the
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person feels and thinks I am so stupid
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so it leaves room for Change and growth
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and we would really want to be more in
15:01
the guilt territory because I am bad
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doesn't leave room for change
15:05
humiliation is different this is I've
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been belittled and put down by someone
15:10
and it left me feeling Unworthy of
15:12
connection and disgusted with myself
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this was unfair and I didn't deserve
15:17
this so humiliation is about deserving
15:20
with shame we believe that we deserved
15:22
our sense of unworthiness with
15:23
humiliation we don't feel we deserved it
15:26
so the students sitting next to you sees
15:29
the F at the top of your quiz and tells
15:31
the class this idiot can't even pass the
15:33
quiz in here he's as stupid as they come
15:35
everyone laughs and you feel dumb and
15:39
enraged so the differences in deserving
15:42
I don't feel like I deserved to be
15:44
treated that way so the humiliation
15:45
comes with a sense of Injustice and it's
15:48
really important to understand the
15:49
difference of that especially when we're
15:51
talking about how we feel in the world
15:52
and how we're trying to express
15:54
ourselves with people that we have
15:56
relationships uh with embarrassment is a
15:59
little bit different and this is
16:01
something most of us can relate to I did
16:03
something that made me uncomfortable but
16:05
I know I'm not alone everyone does these
16:07
kinds of things embarrassment's fleeting
16:10
and sometimes it's even funny so your
16:12
teacher's handing out the quizzes and
16:14
you come back from the bathroom and
16:15
there's toilet paper stuck on your foot
16:17
everyone has had this experience we've
16:19
all felt this sense of embarrassment but
16:21
it's fleeting it's not long lasting and
16:23
it doesn't go into this deep sense of
16:25
the Badness is me so it's important to
16:28
understand the difference of those
16:29
emotions especially when we're trying to
16:31
express ourselves and help our help to
16:35
enrich our connections so I want to dig
16:37
in a little bit to shame resilience
16:39
because I want to make sure that I leave
16:40
you with something that you can do to
16:42
help lighten the load of the emotional
16:44
burden that happens when we are
16:46
inhibited by shame and we don't have
16:48
full access to our full emotional
16:50
expression and this is something that
16:52
you can you can start to practice in
16:55
your own life and hopefully you'll find
16:56
this helpful and it's in um it's in
16:59
atlas of the heart so if you want to
17:00
refer back to it I highly recommend you
17:02
do it's on page 139 so pick up this book
17:04
and use this it's super helpful
17:07
so the the things that we can do
17:10
to move through shame is first to
17:13
recognize shame and understand its
17:15
triggers so can you physically recognize
17:17
when you're in the grip of Shame can you
17:19
name it can you feel your way through it
17:21
and figure out what messages and
17:23
expectations triggered it this is why
17:27
um Kristen Neffs talks about the concept
17:29
of mindfulness it's so important so that
17:31
we can slow down enough to understand
17:32
that when I get triggered and I feel
17:35
shame that I notice my shoulders come
17:38
down that my head falls down that I feel
17:40
like I need to withdraw and get small
17:42
and so I understand and recognize and I
17:45
can name this emotion and really it's
17:47
about connecting in with our body and
17:49
and naming it stating it and allowing it
17:52
to be pulled out
17:54
we want to practice critical awareness
17:56
can you reality check the messages and
17:58
expectations that are driving your shame
18:00
are they realistic are they attainable
18:03
are they what you want to be or what you
18:06
think others need or want from you so we
18:08
need to be able to fact check is this
18:10
real is it not is this something I need
18:12
to own or claim
18:14
and then the cool thing about shame is
18:17
it only grows in dark spaces in Petri
18:20
dishes in the hiding and in the dark
18:21
this is what Bernay talks about and so
18:24
if we can bring words and light to it we
18:26
can speak shame we can reach out do we
18:29
own our story do we speak to a friend
18:32
when we're feeling an experience of
18:34
Shame and do we bring light and words to
18:36
the experience of Shame this is helpful
18:39
because it stops it in its tracks it
18:41
doesn't continue to grow when we bring
18:43
words and light and air to topics
18:45
related to our shame so are we speaking
18:47
out about how we feel are we asking for
18:50
what we need when we feel when we feel
18:52
shame because silence secrecy and
18:55
judgment are the fuel for shame so I'm
18:58
hopeful that what this can do is help
19:01
you start thinking about shame and you
19:04
can start to cultivate a little bit more
19:06
of your own shame resilience because
19:08
this will help
19:10
disinhibit you with the emotions that
19:13
you don't feel fully comfortable
19:15
experiencing or sharing or leaning into
19:18
so again understanding and validating
19:21
our own emotions and those of others can
19:24
lead to Stronger healthier relationships
19:26
and help contribute to us being able to
19:30
have wholehearted living so Renee Brown
19:34
talks about wholehearted living that
19:36
it's Central to the message of involving
19:39
embracing our imperfections being
19:42
compassionate towards ourselves
19:43
cultivating authentic authentic
19:45
connection with others and allowing us
19:48
to live a full emotionally
19:50
unburdened vulnerable life where we can
19:53
have Rich meaningful connection and that
19:55
is what you all deserve and hopefully
19:57
through learning a little bit more about
19:59
this it becomes a little bit easier for
20:01
you to embrace that we are hardwired for
20:03
emotions and that we can't dis
20:06
acknowledge that we are made for them
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and that in order to be a fully thriving
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experiencing human we want want to lean
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into all of the emotions because their
20:16
data that are telling us something about
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our life our story our history and we
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want to honor and acknowledge all of the
20:23
parts of ourselves and our emotional
20:24
experience so that we can live the best
20:27
life that we can so thank you so much
20:29
for tuning in I appreciate your time I
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hope that you find this helpful if you
20:34
have any questions please feel free to
20:35
jot those down below and remember to
20:39
lead with love because it'll never steer
20:41
you wrong
20:43
foreign
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[Music]
#Family & Relationships
#Mental Health
#Parenting