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Fostering and Adoption: What You Should Know
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Thinking about fostering or adopting a child? This video breaks down everything you need to know! From the differences between fostering and adoption to the emotional and practical aspects involved, we’ll guide you through each step of the process. Whether you’re looking to provide a temporary safe haven or a permanent home, this video will help you understand the responsibilities, challenges, and joys that come with welcoming a child into your life. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
hi everyone I'm Kell ooro and this is adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thank you so much for tuning in I'm so happy to have you here on adaptable and the conversation we're
0:17
going to discuss today is about having adopted and foster children and some of the impacts and ramifications that uh
0:24
exist when having that kind of family system and hopefully a lot about what people may or may not know related to
0:31
trauma and how uh it impacts children who are adopted and fostered uh not
0:37
sometimes but always based on their early uh their early time and uh personally this topic is important to me
0:44
because I am a mother of uh five children four that uh three were ad uh
0:50
three were adopted they were my husbands and then one that that occurred to our family later in his adolescence and then
0:57
we have one biological child so I have a a very uh hodgepodge group of people and
1:02
a lot of experience personally on this topic as well as being an attachment specialist and Trauma specialist but I'm
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very excited to introduce to you our guest for today and that is Meg Stanbery Megan Stanbery um and she is an expert
1:16
in her own right in trauma and she's got a medical background as well as being a mother so tell us a little bit about
1:22
yourself and your background and why this topic is important to you to share with our audience yeah well um by I
1:30
trade Mna so I do anesthesia for a living um my husband's also in the medical field and then we have two older
1:38
adopted boys we adopted when they were a little bit younger but school age um and then two biological children that are
1:45
younger um we wanted to always wanted to adopt and kind of after our training you
1:53
know we weren't spring chickens anymore we weren't old but we weren't you know young and it was kind of around the time
1:59
training for your right and we it was time to start a family but I didn't feel quite ready to
2:05
have a baby yet um and so adoption always wanting to be something that I I
2:10
wanted to do um what do you think primed that desire like growing up or in your
2:16
own family what made you decide I want to adopt children I don't know it was just always there in the background I
2:22
didn't really you know I can't I can't think of um we had a few friends maybe growing up that were that adopted kids
2:28
or that were adopted but um you know I don't know just something that was always in my heart really um
2:36
and you know I think there's a faith aspect of that too and so um the timing of it you know I say I wasn't ready to
2:42
have a baby but I think maybe that desire was you know sort of maybe quelled for that time because the you
2:49
know the children that we ended up adopting it was they were there at that time and it needed to happen then um so
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you know I believe it all works out so so tell us how did you know they were your kids I mean what was that like for
3:02
you when you well we started the um kind of the journey inquiring and then we
3:07
found a place that we wanted to work with and then um just randomly the
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adoption specialist you know we were kind of still in the very early stages she invited us to come to a heart gallery photo shoot which is where they
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put the children who have already been severed from their parents online so that you know you can kind of if you're
3:25
interested in adoption you can look from afar you know see what the kids are like their ages
3:30
um the things that they're interested in so maybe you can match up a little bit better um you know before meeting kids
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and um so we were invited to go to that because there were two of us and then our adoption specialist also came we
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were paired up with a group of a sibling of group of three um and you know we
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spent the whole day with them you ask them questions they you know get new clothes and have their pictures taken
3:56
and um eat with them and just had the best time but at the end of the day when
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we were saying goodbye to them you know they walked away and I just knew like
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those are my kids I didn't go there that day at all thinking I was going to meet you know any any kid that we were
4:13
planning to adopt but that process sounds really stressful for a child almost like show and tell MH but if you
4:21
think about you know the way that we can get them exposure so they're more
4:26
likely to be adopted I think that's the the Moe of behind it but I agree with you that it it like did they pick me was
4:33
I good enough at our fancy lunch and my new clothes yeah wow I don't think I
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realized that's how the process went when it comes to in some place I imagine different agencies do it different ways
4:45
yeah but wow so they really pulled on your heartstrings for sure yeah and they were so much fun I mean I I think we
4:52
just immediately fell in love with them but again I think it was also just meant to be right what made you decide to do
4:59
biological children after having adopted um I think a few reasons one was you
5:06
know just not being ready to have a baby yet I really wanted to feel ready for that um um but
5:12
also um you know maybe that if we went ahead and had biological children that we'd get too busy and then it would just
5:19
never happen meaning you wouldn't adopt afterward okay yeah you want to make that happened yeah it just felt like it
5:26
was the natural progression in our our story but I think there's so many different ways that families look and
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you know you don't want to think well I already had my bio kid so I guess I can't adopt now right you know I mean it
5:38
could it could be go any many different ways sure and there's there's pros and cons to to having them in in either
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order you know I can see advantages where if you have adopted children first
5:51
then biological children don't grow up thinking why wasn't I enough why did you
5:56
adopt children and you know the the dynamic of our family change substantially based on you know the
6:02
topic we're going to talk about next which is which is their adverse childhood early experiences and how that impacted the way their behavior is
6:09
because of their own early experiences and that's upsetting perhaps to in some family systems where adopted kids come
6:15
after biological children and then adopted children or adopted children can feel burdensome and biological children
6:23
can feel slighted in that they their their homeostasis was somehow upset so I
6:30
can see where if biological children and that's what happened in my case you know my uh older children were first and they
6:37
were they were the adopted children they were not my biological children and my youngest was born you know a couple of
6:43
years after I've already had the adopted children and so they were just his brothers like they didn't know anything
6:48
different and and it wasn't until I think he was seven or eight where we had a conversation about how they're your brothers and I love them and they're my
6:54
boys but they didn't live in my tummy and and you know I can remember the look on his face like did I live in your
7:00
tummy like like where did I come from you know there was some confusion but otherwise it was pretty much a non-issue
7:06
for him it was like they're his brothers and that's that is whatever it is and you know whereas they felt differently
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about him because they were not of me and so they they could feel the
7:17
difference uh with him and we waited you know once the I have two older boys and
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once they were more stable then you know we asked them you know how would you feel about having a little brother a
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little sister they were so excited you know so then like a family decision also yeah and I mean they are so you know so
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good with them and they're just so close and um it's been wonderful to watch and then when we had the conversation of you
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know because my um my next youngest saw me pregnant so he understands you know
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coming from a tummy but um I feel like you know when we had the conversation of
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like you know well you know the older boys didn't come from my tummy it was like okay yeah and moving on yeah yeah
8:00
it was pretty fast like I said in my house too it was just you're our parents and that's all it is you know so the
8:06
youngest had a little bit of a different experience you know I have to say that for him the the the feeling closeness
8:13
and the connection he felt to his older brothers was always there I mean and for the most part they really treated him
8:18
with with a lot of love and adoration but I think that you know I I I don't want to speak specifically for them but
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but there has been some language around Envy or around jealous Y and not
8:30
necessarily like he is better but he had it differently and so he acts differently and has a different level of
8:37
confidence because I got to start with him oras I didn't get to start with the others and so they didn't have the same level of secure attachment right and and
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that kind of leads us into the segue of the conversation about uh adverse childhood experiences and how that that
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impacts our overall behavior and wellness and physical health in later life and so uh I wanted to talk a little
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bit about that and maybe if you could share some some things you've seen as a mother and in other families that you've
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known with adopted children some of the things that you've seen that we will we will know are the result of that early
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stuff that they had to go through see or witness you know yeah so so with it with
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ases for those of you who are not familiar it's the adverse childhood experience study it was done out of um
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uh San Diego Kaiser Permanente conducted a study with 17,000 medical participants and they asked them 10 questions about
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uh their early adverse experiences you know uh and there's 10 items on this thing and some of them have to do with
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emotional neglect or abandonment they have to do with physical danger or violence being you know a parent being
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incarcerated and and and unfortunately some of these things drug use in a parent some of these things are why
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children end up in the system where whether it's foster care or end up being adopted not everybody is accidentally
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pregnant at 15 and chooses to put their child into an adopted situation and you know that's not how it typically works
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and so what what I have seen as an attachment specialist is those early years where zero to three or five or
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whatever whatever those children are experiencing whether it's just simply a mother who feels anxious overwhelmed sad
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and full of shame that she cannot keep her child when the child is born babies feel that you know but but there's also
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all of the things that happen once child is born whether it's being passed to different foster homes and now the Care
10:28
and theu structure is inconsistent and I'm feeling like I'm not wanted here and then I'm passed here and I'm not wanted
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here so it creates a very unsettled emotional uh uh nervous system where I
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am unsafe and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I can't rely on being wanted loved cared for and I can't trust
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it and so that really rattles a person's nervous system because we're not really meant to not be raised by our biological
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parents uh when possible that's just not how our species is designed so what have
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you seen as far as behaviors that you could express or talk about that you are
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like I know this is from that and this is what they experienced and saw just so people understand a little bit better
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because parents often times judge behavior and they don't understand why the behavior exists because they don't
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have the training and the learnings from from a trauma lens well and I think when you uh bring a child into your home that
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you haven't raised from the start or maybe you have you know maybe if they were adopted at a young age but um or
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maybe you could even be surprised by your own biological children by their behavior too uh yeah very much so but if
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you notice something that doesn't seem right or doesn't line up with you know maybe something that's age appropriate
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or um or appropriate with the amount of you know food that you have in your home
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or you know something that doesn't really make sense just instead of based on the now yeah you know instead of just
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uh you know saying something to them first ask yourself maybe like what what might have happened in their life that
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would make their behavior different in this situation or make them not feel safe um you know cuz there's you
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know there's so many different scenarios that can happen um where they can be
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triggered and you know we all can be triggered by you know all all kinds of different things but um you know where
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you're kind of taking it back and you ask yourself like oh you know this might be something um you know that is
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affecting them from the past um and just approaching all of those things with with compassion and understanding
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because they may not have the the skills yet to to cope with those things to even
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understand why they're behaving like that I think it's also not taking personally the reactions and behaviors
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that you that you see and trying to approach with more curiosity you know I want to share an example it's it's it's
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a there's a little bit of Shame associated with this example because I I still feel badly about how I reacted to
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a behavior that I saw in my home and you know the first of which is uh my oldest there was food scarcity in his early
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years you know my husband was in the Navy and there was a lot of uh neglect by their biological mom and they didn't
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have enough food and so there was there was tremendous comp competition around food and scarcity and they didn't always
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have what they needed and so he's in my home and I have plenty of food and you know we don't have abundance but we have
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enough and uh he was eating with his arms around his plate and I was so
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judgmental and I was so um not compassionate and curious about his
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behavior and I was like why are you eating like this you know what are you know this isn't good manners you know
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why are eating with his arms around it and he would watch to see that he could finish his first serving before everyone
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else finished so that he would be able to go back for seconds and not have it be gone and when it finally clicked I
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was just like oh my gosh I Am The Monster because I was so shaming and disrespectful and not curious to him and
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I didn't get it and once I corrected it I was like honey we're we're you're always going to have enough it might not
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be you know the chicken nuggets but I'll always make you a sandwich there's going to be enough food you're not going to go
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hungry anymore you know and as soon as he he heard me get it and he saw that I
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saw a softening he you know and and then and I said is it okay if I remind you when I see you doing things like
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protecting your food would it be okay if I just brought that to your attention and he was like eight at the time and he
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it was like a a exchange or a moment where he understood that I saw it I understood why he was acting that way
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and he settled and then there was a lot less anxiety around you know needing to finish first so he could get seconds
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before it was gone and so those are the kinds of things that I think people just don't think about yeah I think being
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seen you know him being seen in that situation really helps or just him
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making being able to make that connection too yeah cuz we're not aware of how we're reacting in a trigger ever
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we're just surviving we're surviving this moment in fear that the the bad things are going to continue to happen
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are going to happen again yeah and you could also tell him 20 times and he's still not going to understand well
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that's that's the other piece is I knew that just corrective behavioral action was not fixing anything it just wasn't I
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mean that's where you know therapy can help a lot and also just all of those
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things in their past you know all of their adverse experiences to be part of their story like in an honoring way and
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for that to be okay yeah because they're going to you know depending on the age and the situation and all those things
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they're going to um approach those things differently right there maybe
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some that can feel all their feelings right away and they'll work through it and you know then they they feel fine
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about it and there's some that are going to numb and they're not going to want to talk about it and it's in the past and you know and you're like oh this is
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going to my experience with that has been that the younger they are removed from those situations the more uh access
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those emotional experiences are whereas if they saw a lot and experienced a lot they tend to be more numb because they
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needed to practice adaptations that shove it down shove it down and repress it because they had no other option they
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couldn't get away they couldn't fight their words didn't matter and so they were just going along and getting along to the best of their ability and so
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personally my experience in that is that if they're older they've they've seen more yeah and I think a lot of parents
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make the mistake of going well I got them and then I changed everything and it was great and they I don't know why
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you know and I think that's the biggest thing that I see with with especially
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when I see the parents of people who adopt it's like nothing of this has to do with you right this has only to do
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with their nervous system and how they're interfacing with the stimulus based on what theyve already lived through before you you you got them yeah
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not taking that personally and I think going into adoption too that you have to know that it really has to all be all
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about the child I mean it can't it can't be about you at all and they may
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be able to fully love and embrace the love you've tried to provide for them because their nervous systems don't
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allow for that surrender because you know depending on what they went through or saw or how young they were when you
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got them they might be waiting for you to give them away as well right and uh
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and they don't know it and they may know that you're not but they phys physically that doesn't necessarily match up and so
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there's this overwhelming fear like I'm not going to matter as much and it's it's only a matter of time until I to
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lose that secure connection that not always but this is part of their potential yeah there's a huge spectrum
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of kids who are able to adapt and and ones that aren't and ones that are going to feel loved but don't want to talk
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about it and ones that want to talk about it but don't feel loved and I mean it's just going to expand a huge range
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but going into it knowing that you know they may never be like oh my gosh thank you so much for adopting me and I love
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you so much and you you saved me and you're a hero may not yeah it may not happen but you know you're at a minimum
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you're going to get purpose and meaning out of being their parent and if you have you know love to give that's really
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what they need the most sure and that unconditional acceptance of whoever they
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are at this this any given moment in time and and truthfully the willingness and the resources to give them adjunct
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support if you don't know really what to do with it I think that's another Factor uh when you choose to adopt is
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recognizing that mental health and trauma support are very likely going to be part the team that needs to be how
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you choose you know how how do I choose to adopt can I afford to get some really good trauma counseling and to make sure
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all of my emotional ducks are in a bit of a row so that I have appropriate expectations and I have the bandwidth to
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support a child who's been through the ringer before I even got into the picture and I don't think there's enough
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education around that prior to choosing and there's some you know there's some books that can be read and things like
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that to kind of prepare yourself too if you're really and um you know trying to help them through that I think there's
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you know resources when you're fostering to adopt um I think you know doing your
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own work is a really good that's one of the things I respected the most about
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about you and you're talking about that is just how that was a priority for you like take care of your own business
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before you there's no way I would have been able to be the mom that I am now had I not done my own work first you
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know for my adopted kids and my bio kids like I'm so grateful for that um you
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know I just wouldn't have had the knowledge I wouldn't have had the patience the understanding um you know
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and for no matter what child you have a lot of that is required with parenting oh for sure biological or otherwise I
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mean if we don't have our own nervous system in order we are not going to show up our best selves and it's so hard not
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to personalize behaviors I mean even when people are babies I I see parents you know why are they doing that and I'm
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like it has nothing to do with you I Pro I assure you yeah you know their their their temper tantrum on the floor isn't
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about you it's about them not getting the second cupcake and so taking that personally or feeling embarrassed by it
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is not useful because it's just it's just not about you so being able to do enough of your own work so that you cannot personalize actions and address
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them in a more measured way with compassion with curiosity I think is the golden the Golden yes I don't want
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anybody to underestimate that that part of it because there's so much of it that you could take personally and you just
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um just can't it's just about loving them and helping them through you know their their Journey do you mind sharing
20:35
some personal examples with how you've seen the earlier years with ruptured
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attachment because you got your kids a little bit older and how that impacted their actions or behaviors um I think
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one thing that I remember is just um you know it's natural for all of us to want
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to know where we came from who our parents are who our grandparents are our ancestors you know all of those things
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and um you know you can't be like you're a part of this family now and that's over like definitely definitely not um
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but you also you know you can't take personally if you know wanting to be with or or know about um you know bad
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people it just has to be approached with compassion and understanding um because
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we all you have to think about what you would want if you were in that same situation you know you you would be super curious you would want to know if
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you didn't have access to or you had limited knowledge of where you came where you came from um that's a huge
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part of our story we are carrying the genetic aspects of our story for two generations so there's an internal
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knowing about what was experienced in our parents and even if we can't make sense of it we have a sense of and I
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mean I've even seen this with children who are adopted from orphanages in different countries like China or Russia
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where they have this deep desire to understand better about their culture wanting to go back to visit you know
22:00
their home countries and learn more about why they feel and act the way they do and have better understanding about
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it and I think that should be really celebrated actually even if you you know didn't come from an adopted family you
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still are you know curious about Generations before you so I think um you
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know wanting to be with or wanting to know about or any of that has to be you
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know you really have to be just open to that and um and willing to let them um
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love or miss you know anyone they need to love or Miss for as long as they need to love or miss them and not take that
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personally and even if there's some Fant uh fantasizing about what it might have been like or been like you know and I
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think it's okay for children to be told as much truth as you can in a compassionate way I think often times we
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try to protect children from their histories and saying you know uh they loved you but it just wasn't the right
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time you know when in fact dad was in prison and mom was a using drugs I think it's important that they know those things because those factors make it
23:03
make more sense as to why they were not equipped where their own emotional capacities were not sufficient to raise
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you it wasn't that they didn't love you they they might have loved you very much but they just didn't know how to love
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themselves enough to create stability to provide you the home that you deserved and that's more about their mental
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health insufficiencies as opposed to love and you're deserving and so I think that a lot of times people try to
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sugarcoat histories and it's not useful because we have an implicit understanding of of things that went on
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even as early as in Udo and so I think that that is a a mistake often times that is made for parents when trying to
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manufacture the picture of the history yeah I agree just letting them in on as
23:47
much information as is age appropriate because they need information and context and and learning and you know
23:54
they understand more than you you think and have you know maybe have seen more than you even know and so just to put
24:00
all those pieces together is helpful can you share some of the experiences you've
24:05
had related to some of the emotional struggles that you've experienced in that your children have experienced
24:10
because they were different ages when you adopted them and what that looked like as far as behaviors and then what you guys did to address them I think you
24:18
know it kind of ties into what we were talking about earlier that um you know we had two very different kids you know
24:25
from the same situation because their ages were so different just like with biological kids you know
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my son had different parents than you know my daughter perhaps because I was older we had more money whatever else I
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was more mature I'd done some therapy so they got a very different set of parents and that affects the way a child shows
24:43
up adopted and not adopted yeah I think you know when you get these kids that
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you don't really know anything about in the beginning that um some of their behavior may not seem age appropriate or
24:56
you might think well they're acting like know much older or much younger and so you know when they're you know a certain
25:03
age and they're having a a tantrum and you're thinking like shouldn't this be you know worked out by now and it's like
25:10
well no their brain may be still in that that you know at that age when it comes to this specific situation or um not
25:18
feeling safe or feeling like they have to fight for resources or you know whatever the case may be um you know
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we're trying to um create those connections that were suffering and that never uh the connections of like safety
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and love and and building new Pathways that are that are different than the pathways that were already built in
25:37
their brain yeah and and yeah definitely takes time so um you know for us it was
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almost like okay I know how to handle this um if this child was this age so
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I'm going to in this situation treat them like they are this age and love them and you know shower them with with
25:56
love and affection through it and then they meet them at the developmental show so
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if I'm 15 but I look like I'm four because I've had this temper tantrum
26:07
that looks very very young then we would come in with a parent intervention that has to do with addressing a
26:13
four-year-old yeah even though you're looking in front of you at a 15-year-old right you can't say get up you're acting
26:18
like a baby or any of that I mean right because they are they have developmentally and emotionally regressed because that's how trauma
26:24
works I regress to an age and state specific EXP ER based on when something
26:29
like this that activated that part of my behavior and memory Network as if I'm still for and so we get stuck in trauma
26:37
time and I think a lot of parents don't understand that they're 15 they should dot dot dot whatever that is and it's
26:42
like well actually they look you know developmental age six you know calendar
26:47
age 15 yeah there's no shoulds and supposed to in in these scenarios and so
26:54
it's just really meeting them where they're at and if you're surprised by their behavior again like we were talking about earlier maybe take a step
27:00
back and think you know what could have you know happened in the past that would you know make this yes scary for them so
27:08
because children who are adopted or have been fostered oftentimes come with pretty significant trauma histories what
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how would you describe trauma-formed parenting I think um especially for those kids they need to feel like
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they're in a home that is safe and when they see you know parents who are
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disagreeing or there's you know instability somewhere that that can be destabilizing for them and so for us um
27:32
you know especially in the beginning you know we're not having huge conversations over big things or arguments in front of
27:39
them it's definitely important for them to see that over time because they need to see you know parents talk parents
27:45
disagree or conflict constructive tension and then resolution and repair of course but in the beginning you know
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they need to see a united front and especially obviously no you know gaming one parent over the other or whatever so
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there's so much much that needs to happen between the parents talking about the rules and you know consistency and
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how are we going to approach this and you know having those conversations you know and then that's why it's also
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important to reconnect you know often so that you know you're not all this stuff
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isn't happening and then you guys haven't had a chance to talk about it or whatever but um yeah having a united front um having those conversations
28:21
maybe in private for a little while and then progressively opening up to them and doing those kinds of things in front of them sure and how can we support
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children with these trauma histories um I think a huge thing for our family and
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our kids was just being consistent um and making your word as good as gold because it's very likely that they're
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not going to believe anything you tell them for a very long time and so if trust is hard to establish and you have
28:48
to earn it and so if you're saying one thing and doing another or saying yeah we're going to go you know here on this
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day or and then you don't and then it's like oh here's another adult that's just lying to me or you know if you break
29:00
this rule then this is what's going to happen and then you're like ah you know no big deal you know there it's just
29:06
like any other kid they're going to take it and run with it so it's super important to um make your word as good
29:11
as gold whatever you say is what needs to happen um you know and and don't be
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impulsive with it yeah and it's that's slow down and go back and go what is it that I want to deliver because I really
29:23
need to hold to this yeah and that's day after day after day and that can get attiring too
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and also um something that maybe I wouldn't have appreciated before I did my own work was you know if you if if
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you've told them something and now you're freaking out because it can't happen um just telling them well I
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wanted to do this but this happened or I had to change my mind because this happened because they also need to know
29:47
they have permission to change their mind about something so um but for the most part you know being consistent and
29:54
doing what you say you're going to do every single day for a very long time it's so important for them to earn trust
30:01
and to believe that there's people who will tell them the truth and on the
30:06
topic of earning trust a metaphor that I often use for anyone not just adopted children with attachment is if we were
30:13
to think about our vessels ourselves as a jar and moments that people exhibit
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this is a Berne Brown ISM from from daring greatly content but if you were to put marbles in a jar and uh for each
30:28
moment of a trust building experience from people and those those marbles
30:33
eventually build in our jar in our in our trust me trust meaning moments and my my experience of people who have had
30:41
major severe attachment trauma or Severance of a parent and that includes
30:46
people who were adopted at Birth because they were severed from their biological mother that's just a fact and some
30:51
people don't really subscribe to that but they were severed they heard their mother's voice for 10 months and they
30:57
heard her and they felt her and she is who they know and they no longer have her and they don't know why and they
31:03
internalize that so so back to the metaphor of this jar if we have to put marbles in a jar to build trust and
31:11
someone has had major attachment fracture it's like the jar has uh fractures in the bottom or cracks and
31:17
the marbles fall out so we have to be incredibly P patient as parents who are trying to build trust that we do love
31:23
them that they we aren't giving them the way that we have unconditional regard for them and that knowing that that
31:28
those jar the marbles that we put in and they that should be accumulating based on other people's relationships that
31:34
you've had experience with it doesn't it does it doesn't accumulate it's like the marbles fall right out the bottom and so
31:40
the the importance of this this part of the conversation is the person has to work to repair their jar and that
31:47
typically happens through therapy trauma therapy with a with a really good bottom up trauma informed attachment specialist
31:53
so that they can help that person gain enough stability in the bottom of their jar so that actions of the people today
32:00
can hold and I think that's that's probably the biggest misconception that parents will often have is I have loved
32:07
them so much and it doesn't seem to matter they don't feel it yeah and they don't they don't act as if I am
32:13
trustworthy based on what I'm seeing in their behavior and so that's something that I think is really interesting and
32:20
and really common and again just not taking anything personally and it's hard because it hurts when you love and you
32:26
don't have that return also like I'm I'm am I not doing it right you know and so do I need to do it differently or
32:33
whatever and um I think too with the the unconditional love component you know
32:38
you're not not disciplining them too and creating boundaries um so you know I
32:44
don't want people to think in saying you know love them no matter what and let it doesn't mean let them do no matter what because you're also teaching them about
32:51
how to have boundaries in the world and how to have discipline and those things are going to make them um you know
32:57
successful in life outside your home yeah we know that this is a a heavy topic there's a lot to consider and
33:04
we're not trying to paint a picture that it's bad we're just trying to paint a picture that you must be informed if
33:09
you're going to choose to move forward with adopting and fostering can you talk a little bit about the state of affairs
33:14
with children who need adoption uh fostered and fostering to transition to
33:20
adoption or any of that what can you share with our audience if people are interested in this and they want to go forward with a an informed approach what
33:27
can can you share with them about this sure I mean when we were considering adopting we knew we wanted to just um do
33:34
it locally and in our state there's almost 20,000 kids who are in foster care and 3 to 4 thousand of them are
33:40
already suffered from their parents and available for adoption and free for adoptions so meaning it doesn't cost anything um to the parents who are
33:47
wanting to adopt them and so um obviously there's a great need for that
33:52
and for us um we went straight into foster to adoption so really you know
33:57
the moment they moved in it was like okay we're fostering you but we are adopting you like you're going to be
34:03
ours and and during that time um you know they didn't know if that was going to happen or not so you know without you
34:10
know talking to them now and asking them um now that they've had some distance from it what was the hardest part of
34:15
that you know I think um they probably would say well just not knowing if it's going to happen or not or you know screwing up and then the people deciding
34:22
they didn't want you or you know whatever and um you know we just knew that it was the right thing and so there
34:28
was really nothing you know they could do to you know change our mind and we really wanted to love them through that
34:33
but um I know that can be a difficult transition for some families where the behavior could either be worse before
34:39
the adoption or after sure and I feel like for our kids you know as soon as
34:45
either we had an adoption date or the adoption happened it was like physically you could see their bodies this is final
34:52
this is happening so they knew enough at their ages to know that that meant this is kind of going to be our forever home
34:58
I get to stay here yeah and I think you know you want to be they want to be hopeful for that but there's no
35:03
guarantee of anything especially if you get bounced around from you know a foster family or a group home or you
35:09
know whatever the case may be um and so you know there's some pains with that
35:14
part of it I mean you have to go to a lot of classes but that's temporary um I didn't particularly enjoy having people
35:20
in my home inspecting things and having meetings and there's a lot of different people we have to meet with and moving
35:26
Parts but you know again all of that is temporary and so it's so worth it to go
35:32
through you know to to have these kids um you know you just if they skin their
35:38
knee you got to have an incident report they it's like well I have two boys so you know I'm just do paperwork all day
35:45
long so you know I was so happy when you know the adoption was finalized and I
35:51
didn't have to do any of that anymore I could take them to the doctor I wanted to take them to the dentist I wanted to take them to um you know parents them in
35:58
the way that I I really wanted to and without all of that and I think you know as much as all of those people are
36:04
really part of the the system and and what's needed you know having them
36:10
around is like oh I'm still in the system there's you know I'm there you're still being watched you know and then
36:15
you're in the situation of are they going to think I'm a good enough parent to let me have these kids and what not you feel like you're in trouble cuz
36:22
you're like I'm being watched and what if I you know do something wrong which is silly but you know it's just nice to
36:27
protect the children and make sure they Place appropriately and that makes sense so this is a hard process but it's an
36:33
incredibly rewarding process I'm sure you can attest to that but we want to just make sure we talk about it's
36:39
important to have our own mental health support as therap uh as the parents uh and getting good trauma therapists to
36:46
help your family with the adjustment uh self-care and those types of things are
36:52
really essential to making this this Marathon runnable you know because it's
36:58
a long process and we really need to have patience with the process with ourselves with our children if if we're
37:03
going through this uh because it is it is it's tasking it's it's not easy and
37:08
it's parenting it's parenting and it's parenting with variables that wouldn't have necessarily otherwise existed uh
37:15
from biological children because they don't have that initial rupture in their attachment and their nervous system so
37:20
they're that's just something we need to understand and approach with love and compassion and that's what they deserve
37:26
and um ultimately they they need our love and they need they need a St safe and stable home to grow up in and so
37:32
it's an incredibly wonderful thing to do for children in need and so thank you for being one of those families I really
37:39
appreciate it I feel like if you feel like you have you know love to share and you know you you want to be a parent or
37:46
a parent of more children or whatever and you just have all this love that you want to give I mean these kids need
37:51
families and it's it's so beautiful and now I mean my boys made me a mom MH and
37:57
I'm so proud of them and you know I feel like there was never life without them now and so I think it's in the end you
38:04
know an absolutely one of the most beautiful things I can see your emotion
38:09
being touched by that awareness and resilience they're your babies and even though they weren't your babies they're
38:14
your babies now and that they they do get embedded in our heart in that very same way and although those emotions are
38:22
uh sometimes a little bit different depending on biological versus adopted children I think because having someone
38:28
live in you there is a different bond that can happen there is no doubt that those children we choose make their way
38:35
firmly into the depths of our heart with all of that love and I think it's really beautiful and awesome so thank you so
38:42
much for sharing and being here with us and being vulnerable to talk about this really important topic um we will have
38:49
some resources for you in our descriptions But ultimately thank you so much for tuning in we hope that this
38:54
helped shed some light on things to consider if you are choosing to adopt uh or Foster and also normalize some of the
39:01
things you may be experiencing because you've already uh chosen to go that route with your family growth so before
39:08
uh so hold on let's cut that um so thank you so much again for being here and
39:14
until we meet again don't forget to lead with love it'll never steer you wrong [Music]
39:31
you [Music]
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