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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! For so many people, Christmas and the overall holiday season is one of the happiest times of the year. Some people spend all year preparing for this time of year. But for many people, Christmas is the least favorite time of the year.
So when you're sitting at the dinner table eating turkey dinner for the tenth time or struggling to find room for all those new presents, family around you, consider yourself grateful. Please don't take anything you have for granted. What you consider such a normal part of the holidays are things other people dream about and yearn for.
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thanks for joining us today we
0:14
are coming on the holiday season and I
0:17
really wanted to touch base with all of
0:19
you because for some people this season
0:22
doesn't activate a a warm fuzzy sense
0:25
inside of you and I want to make sure
0:27
that we're talking about ways to
0:29
navigate that things that can come up
0:31
and some things that you can do to
0:32
prevent the exacerbation of depression
0:35
anxiety uh you know the things that come
0:38
up that become more intense because of
0:41
all the added pressures and stress and
0:43
the holiday demands and so with us today
0:46
I have Julie russomano who is going to
0:48
be uh chiming in here and there about
0:51
her experience with clients uh as part
0:53
of our counselor Cafe and this is
0:56
important that we get this information
0:58
out there in a timely fashion because
1:01
there are so many people that just
1:03
really are not looking forward to the
1:05
next couple of months for a variety of
1:06
reasons so thanks for tuning in so like
1:09
I talked about before Julie mental
1:11
health issues that people generally have
1:14
are oftentimes really exacerbated by the
1:16
pressures and stress of the holiday
1:18
season can you think of any recent
1:20
examples in your cases where people are
1:22
starting to talk about the fact that
1:25
it's kind of a doom and gloom thing for
1:27
them I would say that that this time of
1:30
year as a counselor most of our people
1:32
come in with the unrealistic expectation
1:36
that they should be feeling happy
1:37
because the holidays are coming and and
1:40
for most of us that's that's not
1:42
realistic because there's a lot of
1:43
pressure there's a lot of Demands and
1:47
and people are people and families are
1:49
families and it's just a hard time of
1:52
year so I want to make sure that part of
1:54
our message is that people recognize
1:57
that feelings only stay hot and big and
1:59
strong when we're trying to shove them
2:00
away when we have all the shs and
2:02
supposed to and we're not stopping
2:04
slowing down to acknowledge the way that
2:06
we're experiencing honestly at the
2:09
holidays a lot of stimulus in our
2:11
environment you know the temperature the
2:14
the decorations the sound of holiday
2:16
music the the way that stores change
2:19
their displays all of those things serve
2:22
as a reminder to our nervous system that
2:25
if something bad happened during any of
2:28
those Seasons there body starts to go
2:30
into this memory Place triggered into
2:33
Times where things might not have been
2:35
so so happy or so good and now we have
2:38
all this environmental stimulus to
2:40
remind us of that and so for people who
2:42
don't know why they get so low or or
2:44
more anxious during the holidays this is
2:47
hopefully going to help them think about
2:49
what happened in their life so they can
2:51
start to reverse engineer the cause of
2:54
the exacerbation in their nervous system
2:56
so we want to encourage people to
2:59
acknowledge their feelings lean into
3:01
them and recognize that if they do
3:05
they're not necessarily going to stay as
3:07
stuck or feel as trapped in those
3:09
emotions and and they don't have to just
3:11
get through the season they can lean
3:13
into and experience the season for what
3:15
it is for them right so the information
3:19
that we've got is not just anecdotal
3:20
from our couches in our in our offices
3:24
but when Nami did a study about mental
3:26
illness and holiday experiences what
3:29
they found was that 64% of people
3:31
reported a much greater increase in
3:34
their symptoms of depression and anxiety
3:36
around the holidays so what that tells
3:38
us is more than half the people walking
3:40
around aren't feeling happy go-lucky
3:42
about the holiday experience do you have
3:45
any clients that have started talking
3:47
about anything specific related
3:49
to what they're going through or even
3:52
better yet what it reminds them of and
3:54
why they don't care for this time of
3:55
year right well and and again I think a
3:58
lot of that goes back to expectations
4:00
and their childhood you know Christmas
4:03
is supposed to be a magical time and for
4:05
many of us while there are magical parts
4:08
of it it's not 100% magical or it's not
4:11
always magical and families are hard and
4:15
complex and there's so much going on
4:18
right and and we start to feel like it
4:21
should all be better when we forget
4:24
sometimes the only one we can control is
4:27
us right so I I want to go back to what
4:29
you said about expectations I think we
4:32
are Frau with shoulds and supposed to
4:34
and depending on our family Dynamics we
4:38
we think that we're supposed to have
4:39
experiences like the movies where
4:41
everything is happy and warm and I think
4:44
one of the things that serves us at this
4:46
time of year is to level set our
4:49
expectations you know so recognizing in
4:51
oursel what's going to work for me
4:53
what's not going to work for me and set
4:54
realistic
4:56
expectations uh so that I'm not just
4:58
chronically disappointed in what what
5:01
the shoulds and supposed to were going
5:03
to look like from a commercial
5:04
perspective and I want to go into a
5:07
little bit about one of the things that
5:09
exacerbates expectations and that's
5:11
family Dynamics right we've got with
5:14
family Dynamics we've got things like
5:18
when to be somewhere we got to show up
5:20
at this time this family wants this this
5:23
family wants that everybody together
5:26
complicates the nervous system
5:28
complicates all of our data and I can
5:31
tell you that in my family system when
5:32
we get everybody together they come but
5:35
I think that a lot of them have their
5:37
own levels of anxiety and stress related
5:40
to just all of us getting together right
5:42
and it's impossible when you have a big
5:45
group of family or friends or whatever
5:48
to expect everyone to feel happy right
5:52
right and and we have this expectation
5:55
that we should just love everything and
5:56
it should all be warm and stuff and and
5:58
it's okay
6:00
for it not to be so some things that we
6:03
want to in reinforce are we can have
6:07
family expectations we can have family
6:09
traditions but what we really want to
6:11
make sure we're we're coming into the
6:12
holiday season with is a really clear
6:15
idea about the boundaries that we may
6:17
need to set in order to to pace oursel
6:20
through this season I mean we're we're
6:21
three months of Demands family demands
6:24
things like that for a lot of us and so
6:26
we need to be able to set boundaries
6:28
with family members
6:30
we need to talk about things like what's
6:32
what's going to be off limits or not off
6:34
limits for example families sometimes
6:36
want to talk about politics you know
6:39
maybe that's not going to be something
6:40
we want to discuss for you know the
6:42
holiday season and we need to set some
6:44
boundaries around that uh religion how
6:48
we're raising our children how we you
6:51
know parent those things all can be hot
6:53
topics and so we want to make sure we
6:55
exercise the use of boundaries saying
6:57
what we mean meaning what we say
7:00
while not saying it mean you know what's
7:02
okay and not okay with me in a simple
7:04
nutshell about boundaries right and it's
7:06
also good to to remember what you do for
7:09
self-care right so if things are getting
7:12
um hot or tense with the family you know
7:14
what you can do you can say hey I just
7:16
give me a few minutes and you can go and
7:18
take yourself out of the situation to
7:20
calm down because if you're coming from
7:23
a calm place that's going to help the
7:25
whole family system because it's going
7:27
to bring some of the energy down and and
7:29
focusing on the communication that's
7:31
needed in order to make sure that you
7:34
recognize what you need you recognize
7:37
how to express that and be assertive in
7:39
your communication when you've decided
7:41
what it is that you need so that you can
7:43
clearly Express those things and then
7:45
honor yourself even if other people
7:47
aren't thrilled with the way you've
7:48
expressed that or that it is that it
7:50
doesn't match what they'd like to do or
7:52
say or or have happen right now and then
7:55
we need to recognize that it's okay for
7:57
things to be different and and that we
7:59
can change gears and change directions
8:02
and um it doesn't have to be prepackaged
8:06
expectations or in a nutshell another
8:09
thing that we want to talk about is
8:10
financial
8:11
stress that's a big one that's a big one
8:14
it's it's it's huge it's it's huge and
8:17
you know I mean the day after
8:21
Halloween the toy ads are out you know
8:23
spend this get this and stuff and it's
8:25
really hard this year because of
8:28
inflation it is it is it is really hard
8:31
everyone is struggling to make ends me
8:33
that's that's the truth and so this is
8:35
another area where we need to reflect on
8:38
our current financial situation and
8:40
decide what is it that I can do this
8:43
year what is it that's going to work for
8:45
me that's not going to extend me ways
8:47
that I can be creative in my uh
8:49
generosity and make sure that I manage
8:53
that preemptively to help myself
8:55
alleviate the stress of financial um
8:59
discourse or anxiety around those things
9:01
so managing our finances is a critical
9:04
component of this time of year there's
9:06
so many cool ways that you can be
9:08
generous without having to spend a lot
9:09
of money so turn to the internet you
9:12
know look at things look up things get
9:14
creative with perhaps offering Quality
9:16
Time or experiences as opposed to
9:19
necessarily buying for the people that
9:21
you care about and be clear about the
9:23
communication around that you know I
9:24
want to share a little example uh from
9:26
my my son-in-law he messaged me the
9:28
other day and he said what are the
9:31
expectations around gift giving in the
9:33
family cuz this is our first Christmas
9:35
together uhh and I said I really
9:38
appreciate one that you asked me and two
9:41
that you're conscientious that you want
9:42
to be part of this and do it in an
9:43
honoring way and I said honestly we're
9:46
not really focused on the gifts for the
9:48
adults we tend to do more about
9:51
experiences with the adults and if you
9:53
want to get something small for the
9:54
nieces and nephews it doesn't need to be
9:57
you know a big deal and and you know we
10:00
don't draw hats or names out of hats or
10:02
anything like that for the adults
10:03
because it puts so much undue Financial
10:05
stress on most of our family that we
10:08
just have opted out of that and he goes
10:10
that sounds awesome you know so I think
10:13
that just that is a really good example
10:15
about how can we use our voice and
10:17
communicate about these stresses and do
10:20
something that fits for the current
10:23
circumstances and that and that can
10:24
change in a family system over time
10:26
right and so that works on not over that
10:28
not only the financial stressers but in
10:31
in having that discussion about
10:33
expectations and the more we talk about
10:36
this stuff the more it brings down those
10:39
expectations and puts them back in that
10:40
realistic Zone where we can feel more
10:42
comfortable exactly so not everybody has
10:47
family and I you know one of our
10:49
colleagues brought up the other day she
10:51
said I don't love this time a year
10:53
because there's so many uh visible signs
10:56
of where the joy is supposed to be yet
10:59
I'm still unmarried I'm alone and you
11:02
know I it hit me it really hit me
11:04
because I thought you know we don't stop
11:06
to think about those who don't have
11:08
Partners or families in the world and
11:09
they're alone for the holidays and that
11:11
really kicks up a lot for people so it
11:14
can lead to feelings of sadness and
11:16
isolation and so I want to encourage
11:19
people to really be proactively involved
11:22
with staying connected you know can you
11:24
think of some ways that someone who
11:26
might be alone could stay connected with
11:27
others during this season so that it's
11:29
less uncomfortable and they're and they
11:31
feel more part of community um well a
11:34
couple of things they can do is is is
11:36
what our colleague did right she reached
11:38
out to us right and and in us having
11:40
that knowledge of that you know we may
11:43
be more able to reach out to her to
11:45
develop um kind of a family outside of
11:48
the family you know create time with
11:50
your friends you know this is a great
11:52
time for some volunteer opportunities
11:55
where where you can go and support those
11:57
who are less fortunate and have that
11:59
sense of community and that that sense
12:01
of giving I got to share a cute story my
12:04
one of my sons he one of his friend said
12:07
you know my family's not out here and so
12:10
what I do for Thanksgiving every year is
12:12
I make a bunch of peanut butter and
12:13
jelly sandwiches and I get my roller
12:16
skates and I go roller skate down the
12:17
boardwalk and I pass out peanut butter
12:19
and jelly sandwiches to homeless people
12:21
and she goes I love it so much I don't
12:22
think I'll go back to doing anything
12:24
else for Thanksgiving and it made my
12:26
heart so warm because I thought this is
12:28
such a a beautiful adaptation to being
12:31
alone and she's found a way to sort of
12:33
cultivate connection with other people
12:36
who are likely feeling alone too which
12:38
the antithesis of that loneliness is
12:40
connection and she's found a way to do
12:42
that in such a generous loving way and I
12:45
just I I really admired it and I thought
12:47
it was creative and I wanted to
12:48
encourage people to get creative about
12:50
how they can cultivate connection even
12:51
if they're not in an ideal family system
12:54
in this time and I think an important
12:56
thing to realize is that connection
12:58
doesn't have to be a three-hour dinner
13:00
or spending a whole day with someone
13:02
that connection with that one person
13:04
that smile that that giving right gives
13:08
Comfort not only to her but to the
13:10
person who's getting right and we have
13:12
to realize how how uplifting that little
13:15
moment of connection can be for sure and
13:18
and not and and trying to avoid the a
13:21
the avoidance of by H holding up and
13:24
isolating and and removing yourself from
13:27
potential possibilities of connection
13:29
certainly will exacerbate the loneliness
13:31
depression and anxious symptoms so we
13:33
want to encourage going outside of the
13:34
box a little bit and making sure people
13:37
recognize there are other things you can
13:39
do if you don't have the ideal family
13:41
system one last topic that we need to
13:44
address is the holidays can be a hard
13:47
time for grief you know every year if
13:50
you've lost someone every year when you
13:52
hit these you know anniversary moments
13:56
they can be really challenging
13:57
especially for the first couple of years
13:59
while we're still you know ripe in the
14:00
grieving process so what are some things
14:03
that you can you can invite people to do
14:06
if they're still struggling with grief
14:08
to help them alleviate those experiences
14:12
and perhaps bring some more closure to
14:14
their their uh their loss well I think I
14:17
think one of the first things that you
14:19
can do is help to normalize it for
14:21
people right because I think people
14:23
think that you know oh gosh it's been a
14:25
year and I should be over it right and
14:27
there's there's you know grief takes its
14:29
own time right and and and what we miss
14:32
is that connection so maybe they can
14:34
spend some time talking about the loved
14:37
one or just you know realizing that it's
14:40
okay that it's still sad and and that
14:44
you miss this person and and what you
14:46
miss about that person may be the
14:47
connection and it's an opportunity to
14:49
develop New Traditions you know thinking
14:52
about the the loved one that has been
14:54
lost or or ones that have been
14:56
lost they wouldn't want us us to be sad
15:00
and missing out on the now because of
15:02
what was and so it's an opportunity to
15:05
almost honor our loved ones who we've
15:07
lost by developing New Traditions paying
15:10
you know honor to them during those
15:12
times stopping and slowing down and
15:14
feeling the connection in whatever way
15:17
you do with with loss and just kind of
15:20
having quiet moments of acknowledgement
15:22
and leaning into those feelings I think
15:23
is really important as well but like you
15:26
said if someone is struggling with that
15:30
reaching out seeking connection seeking
15:33
support from from friends or family or
15:36
if they need to find a therapist I think
15:37
it's a really important reason to do
15:39
that to help accelerate the processing
15:41
of grief with EMDR therapy it's so
15:44
effective in accelerating our ability to
15:48
get everything out of the way except for
15:50
the natural state of grief that does
15:51
take its own course so we want to
15:54
encourage getting help if people need to
15:56
get help absolutely thank you thank you
15:58
so much for tuning in today I appreciate
16:01
your time I hope that you find the
16:03
joyful times in moments throughout the
16:05
holiday season this year and that you
16:07
take time to slow down acknowledge your
16:10
feelings and lean in no matter what your
16:12
holiday experience has been like or is
16:14
like for you this year depending on your
16:16
life circumstances know that you're not
16:18
alone and that it's important to
16:21
acknowledge and lean into to those
16:22
experiences rather than trying to shove
16:24
away any feelings that you have feelings
16:27
uh only get bigger when we try to push
16:29
them away so just honor where you are
16:31
and have Grace for yourself and uh
16:34
remember to lead with love because it'll
16:35
never steer you
16:38
[Music]
16:56
roong
#Anxiety & Stress
#Depression
#Special Occasions
#Holidays & Seasonal Events
#Family & Relationships