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Safety isn’t just the absence of danger.
It’s a state in your nervous system.
When you feel safe,
your breath deepens,
your shoulders soften,
your jaw unclenches,
your thoughts slow.
You’re not scanning.
You’re not bracing.
You’re present.
If this feels unfamiliar, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It may mean your system hasn’t had enough repeated experiences of safety yet.
Safety isn’t forced.
It’s experienced.
Explore our full podcast library for deeper support:
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0:00
Think of people that you know or even
0:01
maybe yourself if you're someone who's
0:04
chronically angry or chronically anxious
0:06
or fearful. This is what your body is
0:09
doing for you because you didn't have
0:10
adults to help you regulate your system.
0:12
And fear steps up when there's
0:14
connection that's missing. It's just how
0:16
we survive. So now we're going to talk
0:19
about how chronic fear shows up in adult
0:22
life. When fear lives at the control
0:24
panel for us, it doesn't always look
0:26
like panic. oftentimes it looks like
0:29
some of the following things. And I
0:31
really want your ears to perk up here
0:32
because this may surprise you.
0:34
Perfectionism. Because if I get it all
0:37
just right all of the time, maybe, just
0:39
maybe, people won't be disappointed in
0:41
me or I won't be disappointed in myself,
0:43
which creates rejection or aloneeness.
0:46
Overfunctioning. I want everybody around
0:48
me to be okay because someone wasn't
0:50
there for me. And so now I overfunction.
0:53
I I don't want anybody to be alone like
0:55
I felt. people pleasing. I want to make
0:58
sure everybody's okay because if they're
0:59
not okay, maybe they get frustrated or
1:02
angry or push me away or maybe it's even
1:05
dangerous. So, I never want to be the
1:07
reason that that's happened. So, I'm a
1:09
people pleaser. Emotional numbness. The
1:12
emotional world is just too much. So, I
1:14
shut it all down. And the bad part about
1:16
that is we don't just blunt our
1:18
protective emotions. We also blunt our
1:21
enhancing emotions like love and lust
1:24
and and connection. And so we don't want
1:27
to be stuck in emotional numbness.
1:29
Chronic busyness is another thing that
1:31
people will do. This is your your
1:33
classic workaholic. If I stay really
1:35
busy, I'm trying to avoid the fear of
1:38
failure or of rejection or not
1:40
enoughness. Hyperindependence is a sign
1:42
of chronic fear. This is in adulthood.
1:45
This is someone who's never going to
1:46
rely on anybody. I've got it myself
1:48
because the truth is I don't want to be
1:51
disappointed like I was when I was a
1:53
child. Maybe difficulty resting or
1:55
trusting. So these are the people that
1:56
oftentimes are diagnosed with ADHD, but
1:59
this is just the nervous system
2:00
unsettled. And so fidgeting, can't hold
2:03
still, can't rest, always has to be
2:05
busy, and certainly doesn't trust that
2:07
things are going to be okay. Fear
2:09
disguises itself as confidence,
2:11
productivity, and control. Many people
2:14
don't realize that they're afraid, but
2:16
they feel exhausted. And oftentimes when
2:18
they come into therapy, that's what
2:20
they're presenting with. And then we
2:22
have to kind of reverse engineer what
2:24
are they afraid of. So here's the bad
2:26
news. Inside alone won't turn the fear
2:28
off. But there is hope. In inside out,
2:32
uh, joy can't logic fear into calm. And
2:34
you hear her try. The system changes
2:37
through experience, not explanation.
2:39
Back to Dr. Vanderolk. He talks about if
2:42
trauma is preverbal, it lives in the
2:45
body, not the narrative. So this is what
2:46
we would call implicit trauma uh rather
2:49
than explicit that's tied to all of the
2:51
things that happen in our older selves
2:53
where we can see and remember
2:55
experiences. And then this is why people
2:58
can understand their trauma, they can
3:00
name their triggers, but they can still
3:03
feel hijacked by fear. And this is what
3:05
makes people so frustrated. But fear is
3:08
a bottomup process. and healing must
3:11
meet it here. So, I'm not going to dig
3:13
in so deeply to all the different types
3:16
of bottomup therapies, but I have a
3:18
whole episode on how to heal trauma. So,
3:21
I would check that out and that'll be
3:23
down in the show notes as well because
3:25
that's a nice sister companion to this
3:27
episode. But when you think about fear
3:30
and teaching fear that it's safe now
3:32
does take some work. So, healing fear is
3:34
not about eliminating it. It's about
3:36
rightsizing it and making it understand
3:38
that now is not then. So some effective
3:41
approaches that are beneficial is
3:44
regulation before processing. Safety
3:46
comes first. So we have to recognize
3:48
that we have to breathe. We have to slow
3:50
down because safety doesn't necess we
3:54
don't know that we're safe unless we do
3:55
that first. So this is about sematic
3:57
awareness. This is about learning to
3:59
notice sensations without panic or
4:02
without judgment. This is about just
4:04
present awareness, connecting to, like I
4:06
gave the example, recognizing that I had
4:08
a burst of adrenaline, my heart rate
4:10
went up, my muscles tightened when my
4:12
son was pretending like he was going to
4:14
throw me in the water. Um, it's just a
4:16
sematic awareness of what's happening
4:18
and allowing our com or completing a
4:21
defensive response, allowing fight or
4:23
flight or freeze energy to gently
4:26
resolve. And so this is tracking that
4:28
energy that happens in the body when we
4:31
are activated by fear. And so the other
4:34
thing that benefits fear and settles
4:36
fear down is predictable environments
4:38
and relationships. So consistent
4:41
routines, kids that are anxious or
4:44
overstimulated and don't have consistent
4:46
routines. This is one of the first
4:47
things we talk to parents about like is
4:49
bedtime the same every night? Do we know
4:51
we can count on, you know, all the
4:53
things that kids need to be consistent
4:55
because their nervous systems will
4:56
settle down? Boundaries, we need to have
4:59
those for ourselves and for those around
5:01
us so that we can have a more
5:03
predictable environment. And consistency
5:05
in our relationships is really
5:07
important. That helps us feel safe in
5:09
the now, so that we're not anxious and
5:11
fearful. And then relational healing
5:14
really helps fear heal faster. So if you
5:18
have someone that you trust, who you
5:20
feel in connection with, you have safe
5:22
connection with, your anxiety and fear
5:24
healing will be more expeditious than if
5:27
you're in isolation. Fear learned
5:29
through repetition and experience, not
5:31
willpower. And so fear's got a job to
5:34
do. It's here to keep us safe. And
5:37
sometimes if it's an overdrive, it's too
5:39
much of a good thing. And so we have to
5:42
integrate our fear. And like Inside Out,
5:45
fear integrates into the system. And
5:47
that's what we need to do for ourselves
5:49
if we feel like fear is driving our
5:51
life. And so I want you to hear this
5:54
clearly. If you are feeling like that,
5:57
your nervous system is not broken. Fear
5:59
is just stuck in the on position because
6:01
it once kept you alive. It kept you
6:04
connected or it kept you protected. And
6:06
healing isn't about silencing fear. It's
6:08
about teaching your body that the danger
6:11
has passed, that it's over, that you're
6:13
you're in the now, not the then. And it
6:16
doesn't have to do this alone anymore.
6:18
You don't need to fire fear. You don't
6:19
need to kick it out or put it in the
6:21
trunk. You just need to let it rest. So
6:23
hopefully this helps you better
6:25
understand the biology of fear and how
6:28
it's really trying to just protect you
6:30
from danger.
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