Navigating autism and loneliness with Kaelynn Partlow

When have you experienced a profound sense of disconnection from others, and what did you learn from it

I don't know, since I gained consciousness, I think, it feels like I spend more time dissecting the human experience than having one myself

my name is Kaylin Partlow I'm an author I'm an autism advocate I'm a content creator and I'm a

registered behavior technician we came prepared we have three fidget toys how could you possibly

screw up if you have three fidget toys you could not all the anxious thoughts from the brain travel

down the arm and into the hand and into the object and they no longer live in the brain

I think I like balloon dog the most. What do you imagine other people assume about you

I think people in person think that my life is easy and it is free from pain or significant issues

And I don't think they realize that I'm intelligent to the degree that I am

Is there a voice in your head that tells you how bad you are that says you're selfish, you're spoiled, you're stupid

Whose voice is that? And when was the first time you heard that? I think when I was little, my perception of myself was that I was stupid

It meant I was stupid. And even if I didn't have a name for it, I felt stupid because I was failing the third grade

And how do you fail the third grade and have a good self-esteem, you know? You kind of can't do those two things at the same time

And so when I got assessed it was pretty disappointing I think on everybody behalf that we got autism we got ADHD we got dyslexia we got dyscalculia we got dysgraphia dyspraxia You know getting diagnosed it kind of put a word to it so instead of stupid I was dyslexic

which helped a little, not a lot, but a little, just to have a word for it that wasn't dumb or wrong

If someone doesn't understand you, what are you making it mean about you

In an ideal world, if somebody didn't understand you, they would just say, I don't understand that

but traditionally that's not how most people communicate. They, I don't know, give me a normal

person example. What do the normies do? Yeah, sometimes they just stop communicating. They don't

tell you, oh, I didn't understand that. They just are done with you. When I was little, I was really

obsessed with dogs and it wasn't enough to just play with my dog. And so for a very long time

I said that I was a dog. You know, my name is Kaylin and it starts with a K and I was nine years

old and so therefore I was a canine. I think sometimes if I got lucky, you know, little kids

at the age of nine would bark back and they would play dogs with me, but eventually they would get

bored. They'd be like, no, that's weird. We don't want to do that. And that just didn't make sense

to me. What action do you want to take, but don't feel ready yet? My first thought was I need a new

car and I don't want a car payment, but then like in consideration for what this activity is

Probably the answer we're looking for is that I've not prioritized interpersonal relationships

If I'm in a social situation, I have to think about looking at people's faces

intentionally listening to their words and filtering out my own brain noise. I have to think about my own facial expression and body language and posture

to make sure that I don't send the wrong message. And so when you're faced with attempts that don't work or attempts that don't feel worthwhile

then it really difficult to motivate yourself to continue when you know that you not likely to encounter success What are you most afraid will never change about yourself or your life and why

I guess what if my interpersonal issues never get better? Feeling big emotions and feeling

them very strongly and by my own metric being just a little bit neurotic to live with

being lonely. Like I'm pretty satisfied with how I am, but like you're meant to grow and change

And so I guess I'd be afraid that I'd stay like this forever

My relationship with loneliness is it's worse nights, weekends, and holidays. The loneliness kind of creeps back in because I'm no longer needed in a professional capacity

And, you know, I've got people who more or less need me in a personal capacity

But when those people don't need me or are busy, that's when the loneliness kind of starts to set in and you start to kind of look around and realize, well, wait a minute

Everything has stopped. Where did everybody go? Everybody else is out living their life

Everybody else is out doing things with other people. And I'm sitting here thinking about what things I might do at work next time

Sometimes I write when I feel that way. And I'm a pretty good writer

And when I'm in a bad mood, I'm a really good writer, unfortunately. When I am sad or upset, I go inside my closet and close the door, and it's incredibly dark, and it's very quiet, and there's just nothingness in there except for all of my feelings, which kind of fills up the closet and maybe then some

And I kind of channel that, I guess, through my fingers and into the words that I write until there's nothing else left, and sometimes I fall asleep

What personal strength are you most reluctant to acknowledge, and how has it impacted your life

When you get diagnosed with multiple disabilities you don get the luxury of ignoring your personal weaknesses And also you really cling to your personal strengths And so when you spend a large

portion of your childhood unsuccessful in academic environments, you come to the

conclusion that I can't do this and I have evidence to support why I can't do

this because every time I've tried it's failed and I could pull out all the paperwork that says that I have. But when I started with Project Hope, they gave me

tasks and activities that I could be successful with. I saw areas in my life in which I was

successful and without a whole lot of help and it's really kind of empowered me to take advantage

of other opportunities I've been offered as a result of that. When did you truly feel celebrated? Probably when I was on Netflix and then we had the viewing party

when it came out. Hello. Hi. My name is Kaylin. I'm 24 years old and I'm single and I'm looking

for a boyfriend. To have such a large attendance at my viewing party, it was co-workers, it was

casual friends, it was acquaintances, it was just a bunch of people who I knew. Everybody showed up and I thought that that was particularly special. You know the whole thing

where they say, do it scared? I realized just how capable I was of doing it scared. So I

very quickly in my own mind became someone who thrives under pressure. What do we think about

the fingerprint as the new symbol for autism? And the idea that I could be a public speaker was

not a thing that I thought I could achieve. It was maybe a thing that I was interested in doing

but I didn't think it was possible. But with the newfound knowledge of me thriving under pressure

I could pursue things that were difficult. Not only could I tolerate them, but I could pursue

them and I could be successful with them. Please bring light, bring hope to those who need it