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The Holiday Season: Survival is Insufficient
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! For so many people, Christmas and the overall holiday season is one of the happiest times of the year. Some people spend all year preparing for this time of year. But for many people, Christmas is the least favorite time of the year. So when you're sitting at the dinner table eating turkey dinner for the tenth time or struggling to find room for all those new presents, family around you, consider yourself grateful. Please don't take anything you have for granted. What you consider such a normal part of the holidays are things other people dream about and yearn for. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:09
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:12
everybody thanks for joining us today we
0:14
are coming on the holiday season and I
0:17
really wanted to touch base with all of
0:19
you because for some people this season
0:22
doesn't activate a a warm fuzzy sense
0:25
inside of you and I want to make sure
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that we're talking about ways to
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navigate that things that can come up
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and some things that you can do to
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prevent the exacerbation of depression
0:35
anxiety uh you know the things that come
0:38
up that become more intense because of
0:41
all the added pressures and stress and
0:43
the holiday demands and so with us today
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I have Julie russomano who is going to
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be uh chiming in here and there about
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her experience with clients uh as part
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of our counselor Cafe and this is
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important that we get this information
0:58
out there in a timely fashion because
1:01
there are so many people that just
1:03
really are not looking forward to the
1:05
next couple of months for a variety of
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reasons so thanks for tuning in so like
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I talked about before Julie mental
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health issues that people generally have
1:14
are oftentimes really exacerbated by the
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pressures and stress of the holiday
1:18
season can you think of any recent
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examples in your cases where people are
1:22
starting to talk about the fact that
1:25
it's kind of a doom and gloom thing for
1:27
them I would say that that this time of
1:30
year as a counselor most of our people
1:32
come in with the unrealistic expectation
1:36
that they should be feeling happy
1:37
because the holidays are coming and and
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for most of us that's that's not
1:42
realistic because there's a lot of
1:43
pressure there's a lot of Demands and
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and people are people and families are
1:49
families and it's just a hard time of
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year so I want to make sure that part of
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our message is that people recognize
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that feelings only stay hot and big and
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strong when we're trying to shove them
2:00
away when we have all the shs and
2:02
supposed to and we're not stopping
2:04
slowing down to acknowledge the way that
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we're experiencing honestly at the
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holidays a lot of stimulus in our
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environment you know the temperature the
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the decorations the sound of holiday
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music the the way that stores change
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their displays all of those things serve
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as a reminder to our nervous system that
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if something bad happened during any of
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those Seasons there body starts to go
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into this memory Place triggered into
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Times where things might not have been
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so so happy or so good and now we have
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all this environmental stimulus to
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remind us of that and so for people who
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don't know why they get so low or or
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more anxious during the holidays this is
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hopefully going to help them think about
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what happened in their life so they can
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start to reverse engineer the cause of
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the exacerbation in their nervous system
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so we want to encourage people to
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acknowledge their feelings lean into
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them and recognize that if they do
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they're not necessarily going to stay as
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stuck or feel as trapped in those
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emotions and and they don't have to just
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get through the season they can lean
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into and experience the season for what
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it is for them right so the information
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that we've got is not just anecdotal
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from our couches in our in our offices
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but when Nami did a study about mental
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illness and holiday experiences what
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they found was that 64% of people
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reported a much greater increase in
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their symptoms of depression and anxiety
3:36
around the holidays so what that tells
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us is more than half the people walking
3:40
around aren't feeling happy go-lucky
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about the holiday experience do you have
3:45
any clients that have started talking
3:47
about anything specific related
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to what they're going through or even
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better yet what it reminds them of and
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why they don't care for this time of
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year right well and and again I think a
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lot of that goes back to expectations
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and their childhood you know Christmas
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is supposed to be a magical time and for
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many of us while there are magical parts
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of it it's not 100% magical or it's not
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always magical and families are hard and
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complex and there's so much going on
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right and and we start to feel like it
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should all be better when we forget
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sometimes the only one we can control is
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us right so I I want to go back to what
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you said about expectations I think we
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are Frau with shoulds and supposed to
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and depending on our family Dynamics we
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we think that we're supposed to have
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experiences like the movies where
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everything is happy and warm and I think
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one of the things that serves us at this
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time of year is to level set our
4:49
expectations you know so recognizing in
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oursel what's going to work for me
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what's not going to work for me and set
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realistic
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expectations uh so that I'm not just
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chronically disappointed in what what
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the shoulds and supposed to were going
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to look like from a commercial
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perspective and I want to go into a
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little bit about one of the things that
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exacerbates expectations and that's
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family Dynamics right we've got with
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family Dynamics we've got things like
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when to be somewhere we got to show up
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at this time this family wants this this
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family wants that everybody together
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complicates the nervous system
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complicates all of our data and I can
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tell you that in my family system when
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we get everybody together they come but
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I think that a lot of them have their
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own levels of anxiety and stress related
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to just all of us getting together right
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and it's impossible when you have a big
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group of family or friends or whatever
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to expect everyone to feel happy right
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right and and we have this expectation
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that we should just love everything and
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it should all be warm and stuff and and
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it's okay
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for it not to be so some things that we
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want to in reinforce are we can have
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family expectations we can have family
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traditions but what we really want to
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make sure we're we're coming into the
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holiday season with is a really clear
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idea about the boundaries that we may
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need to set in order to to pace oursel
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through this season I mean we're we're
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three months of Demands family demands
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things like that for a lot of us and so
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we need to be able to set boundaries
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with family members
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we need to talk about things like what's
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what's going to be off limits or not off
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limits for example families sometimes
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want to talk about politics you know
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maybe that's not going to be something
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we want to discuss for you know the
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holiday season and we need to set some
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boundaries around that uh religion how
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we're raising our children how we you
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know parent those things all can be hot
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topics and so we want to make sure we
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exercise the use of boundaries saying
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what we mean meaning what we say
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while not saying it mean you know what's
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okay and not okay with me in a simple
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nutshell about boundaries right and it's
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also good to to remember what you do for
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self-care right so if things are getting
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um hot or tense with the family you know
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what you can do you can say hey I just
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give me a few minutes and you can go and
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take yourself out of the situation to
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calm down because if you're coming from
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a calm place that's going to help the
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whole family system because it's going
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to bring some of the energy down and and
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focusing on the communication that's
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needed in order to make sure that you
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recognize what you need you recognize
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how to express that and be assertive in
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your communication when you've decided
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what it is that you need so that you can
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clearly Express those things and then
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honor yourself even if other people
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aren't thrilled with the way you've
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expressed that or that it is that it
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doesn't match what they'd like to do or
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say or or have happen right now and then
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we need to recognize that it's okay for
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things to be different and and that we
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can change gears and change directions
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and um it doesn't have to be prepackaged
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expectations or in a nutshell another
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thing that we want to talk about is
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financial
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stress that's a big one that's a big one
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it's it's it's huge it's it's huge and
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you know I mean the day after
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Halloween the toy ads are out you know
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spend this get this and stuff and it's
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really hard this year because of
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inflation it is it is it is really hard
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everyone is struggling to make ends me
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that's that's the truth and so this is
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another area where we need to reflect on
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our current financial situation and
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decide what is it that I can do this
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year what is it that's going to work for
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me that's not going to extend me ways
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that I can be creative in my uh
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generosity and make sure that I manage
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that preemptively to help myself
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alleviate the stress of financial um
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discourse or anxiety around those things
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so managing our finances is a critical
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component of this time of year there's
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so many cool ways that you can be
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generous without having to spend a lot
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of money so turn to the internet you
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know look at things look up things get
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creative with perhaps offering Quality
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Time or experiences as opposed to
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necessarily buying for the people that
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you care about and be clear about the
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communication around that you know I
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want to share a little example uh from
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my my son-in-law he messaged me the
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other day and he said what are the
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expectations around gift giving in the
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family cuz this is our first Christmas
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together uhh and I said I really
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appreciate one that you asked me and two
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that you're conscientious that you want
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to be part of this and do it in an
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honoring way and I said honestly we're
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not really focused on the gifts for the
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adults we tend to do more about
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experiences with the adults and if you
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want to get something small for the
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nieces and nephews it doesn't need to be
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you know a big deal and and you know we
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don't draw hats or names out of hats or
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anything like that for the adults
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because it puts so much undue Financial
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stress on most of our family that we
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just have opted out of that and he goes
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that sounds awesome you know so I think
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that just that is a really good example
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about how can we use our voice and
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communicate about these stresses and do
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something that fits for the current
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circumstances and that and that can
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change in a family system over time
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right and so that works on not over that
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not only the financial stressers but in
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in having that discussion about
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expectations and the more we talk about
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this stuff the more it brings down those
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expectations and puts them back in that
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realistic Zone where we can feel more
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comfortable exactly so not everybody has
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family and I you know one of our
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colleagues brought up the other day she
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said I don't love this time a year
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because there's so many uh visible signs
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of where the joy is supposed to be yet
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I'm still unmarried I'm alone and you
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know I it hit me it really hit me
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because I thought you know we don't stop
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to think about those who don't have
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Partners or families in the world and
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they're alone for the holidays and that
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really kicks up a lot for people so it
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can lead to feelings of sadness and
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isolation and so I want to encourage
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people to really be proactively involved
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with staying connected you know can you
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think of some ways that someone who
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might be alone could stay connected with
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others during this season so that it's
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less uncomfortable and they're and they
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feel more part of community um well a
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couple of things they can do is is is
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what our colleague did right she reached
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out to us right and and in us having
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that knowledge of that you know we may
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be more able to reach out to her to
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develop um kind of a family outside of
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the family you know create time with
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your friends you know this is a great
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time for some volunteer opportunities
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where where you can go and support those
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who are less fortunate and have that
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sense of community and that that sense
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of giving I got to share a cute story my
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one of my sons he one of his friend said
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you know my family's not out here and so
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what I do for Thanksgiving every year is
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I make a bunch of peanut butter and
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jelly sandwiches and I get my roller
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skates and I go roller skate down the
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boardwalk and I pass out peanut butter
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and jelly sandwiches to homeless people
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and she goes I love it so much I don't
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think I'll go back to doing anything
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else for Thanksgiving and it made my
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heart so warm because I thought this is
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such a a beautiful adaptation to being
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alone and she's found a way to sort of
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cultivate connection with other people
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who are likely feeling alone too which
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the antithesis of that loneliness is
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connection and she's found a way to do
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that in such a generous loving way and I
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just I I really admired it and I thought
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it was creative and I wanted to
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encourage people to get creative about
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how they can cultivate connection even
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if they're not in an ideal family system
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in this time and I think an important
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thing to realize is that connection
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doesn't have to be a three-hour dinner
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or spending a whole day with someone
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that connection with that one person
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that smile that that giving right gives
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Comfort not only to her but to the
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person who's getting right and we have
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to realize how how uplifting that little
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moment of connection can be for sure and
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and not and and trying to avoid the a
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the avoidance of by H holding up and
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isolating and and removing yourself from
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potential possibilities of connection
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certainly will exacerbate the loneliness
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depression and anxious symptoms so we
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want to encourage going outside of the
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box a little bit and making sure people
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recognize there are other things you can
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do if you don't have the ideal family
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system one last topic that we need to
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address is the holidays can be a hard
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time for grief you know every year if
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you've lost someone every year when you
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hit these you know anniversary moments
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they can be really challenging
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especially for the first couple of years
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while we're still you know ripe in the
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grieving process so what are some things
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that you can you can invite people to do
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if they're still struggling with grief
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to help them alleviate those experiences
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and perhaps bring some more closure to
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their their uh their loss well I think I
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think one of the first things that you
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can do is help to normalize it for
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people right because I think people
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think that you know oh gosh it's been a
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year and I should be over it right and
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there's there's you know grief takes its
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own time right and and and what we miss
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is that connection so maybe they can
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spend some time talking about the loved
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one or just you know realizing that it's
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okay that it's still sad and and that
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you miss this person and and what you
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miss about that person may be the
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connection and it's an opportunity to
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develop New Traditions you know thinking
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about the the loved one that has been
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lost or or ones that have been
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lost they wouldn't want us us to be sad
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and missing out on the now because of
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what was and so it's an opportunity to
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almost honor our loved ones who we've
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lost by developing New Traditions paying
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you know honor to them during those
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times stopping and slowing down and
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feeling the connection in whatever way
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you do with with loss and just kind of
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having quiet moments of acknowledgement
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and leaning into those feelings I think
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is really important as well but like you
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said if someone is struggling with that
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reaching out seeking connection seeking
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support from from friends or family or
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if they need to find a therapist I think
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it's a really important reason to do
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that to help accelerate the processing
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of grief with EMDR therapy it's so
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effective in accelerating our ability to
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get everything out of the way except for
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the natural state of grief that does
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take its own course so we want to
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encourage getting help if people need to
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get help absolutely thank you thank you
15:58
so much for tuning in today I appreciate
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your time I hope that you find the
16:03
joyful times in moments throughout the
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holiday season this year and that you
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take time to slow down acknowledge your
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feelings and lean in no matter what your
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holiday experience has been like or is
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like for you this year depending on your
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life circumstances know that you're not
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alone and that it's important to
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acknowledge and lean into to those
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experiences rather than trying to shove
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away any feelings that you have feelings
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uh only get bigger when we try to push
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them away so just honor where you are
16:31
and have Grace for yourself and uh
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remember to lead with love because it'll
16:35
never steer you
16:38
[Music]
16:56
roong
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