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hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
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adaptable Behavior explained hi
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everybody thank you so much for joining
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us today we're going to talk about
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attachment Styles and the reason why
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that's so important is because it
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affects literally every relationship
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that we ever have and how we move
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through the world in uh our connection
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our perception of safety the way that we
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are vulnerable or the way that we are
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defensive or defend or avoid our
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connections uh and how much we are
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willing to trust relationships in the
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world and so we're going to talk a
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little bit about each of the four
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attachment Styles and what some of those
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uh behaviors and traits might look like
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and ways to address that if you want to
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grow into a more healthy secure
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attachment so that's what we're going to
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so John bulby and Mary answorth later
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did a whole bunch of research on
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attachment and they they basically
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determined there's four attachment
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Styles and attachment basically explores
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patterns of uh relationships between
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individuals and it focuses on the bonds
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uh formed between children and their
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primary caregivers in the earliest years
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attachment styles are patterns of
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behavior and expectation that people
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develop in close relationships based on
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the care that they received or lack
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thereof during those infancy years and
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early childhood so the first attachment
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style that we all want is secure
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attachment and this this is described by
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someone who's generally had caregivers
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who were responsive who were consistent
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they were emotionally available so for
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example if a child's hurt and they
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needed Care at the time of the event
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there was an attuned caregiver they were
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there with empathy they were there with
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uh they consult they were validating and
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so as a result the person feels
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comfortable both with emotional um
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connection and intimacy and Independence
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disconnection traits that someone with
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secure attachment tends to exude or
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exhibit are that they have trust in
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others that they have positive
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expectations about relationships so they
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kind of see the glasses half full they
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have a more natural generous assumption
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that that the uh behaviors of others are
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not necessarily personal and they have
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more tolerance around disconnection they
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can form longterm bonds and healthier
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connection and they can oftentimes
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regulate their emotions effectively and
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are tend to be they tend to be more
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self-confident um they might be
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distressed like children with secure
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attachment might be dis distressed with
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separation from their caregivers uh but
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they warmly welcome back the the
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caregiver when when uh they have eye
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contact or a hug when the parent or
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caregiver returns so the next kind of
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attachment style is that of anxious or
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preoccupied attachment so people with an
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anxious preoccupied attachment style
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often had caregivers who were
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inconsistently available or
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inconsistently responsive so as a result
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they might worry about the reliability
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of someone being there for them uh and
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that shows up in Partnerships so an
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example of this might be a parent that
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was gone for work a lot or when they
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were home they were preoccupied with
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other tasks or they were on their
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computer or their phone all the time and
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when the child needed them they couldn't
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always be relied upon and sometimes they
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they were supported and validated and
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given Attunement but then sometimes they
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weren't and so it was quite inconsistent
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this can also happen in large family
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systems where the demand on the
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caregivers is so great because there are
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so many children and so it creates
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traits or beh behaviors in a person
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where they might seek constant
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reassurance uh they they fear rejection
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more readily they personalize Behavior
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you know if if you don't answer a text
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or a phone call right away they're um
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overly dependent on the partner to make
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sure everything is okay and they might
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be really uh taking things personally if
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their partner isn't there all the time
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so they're insecurely attached to the
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safety of the relationship they're also
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quite sensitive to the changes in
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relationships and have diff difficulty
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that their needs are going to be met
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consistently so a child that exhibits a
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more anxious attachment style might be
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frightened by separation but then they
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continue to display anxious Behavior
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once the caregiver returns so that
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quelling of the symptomology of anxiety
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isn't calmed by the parent returning
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because again it's not necessarily
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trusting the child's not trusting that
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just because they're there they're going
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to be paid attention to they can't
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really count on it so some statements
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that that you might hear from someone
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with a more anxious attachment style
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might sound like they need constant
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reassurance that they're not that you're
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not going to leave them they might ask
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often do you really love me how do I
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know that you won't change your mind uh
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I feel like I'm not important to you
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when you don't respond quickly or that I
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don't matter I worry what you're going
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to think of me if I do this or that when
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you don't text or call I start thinking
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that something's wrong or I start dress
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rehearsing tragedy and and really going
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down the train to the wrong country that
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that things are not okay and I can't
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trust that I can count on you I feel
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like I have to prove myself worthy of
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your love and acceptance otherwise you
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won't want me uh I might be afraid of
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being abandoned or rejected or I might
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feel like I need to be perfect for you
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to love me and that my worth is
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conditional and so I'm not sure if I can
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trust that you'll always be there for me
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the statements that I just shared with
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you exhibit an underlying anxiety and
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inse security people with anxious
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attachment might experience um this
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distrust in the safety of relationships
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and then they can they seek constant
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validation and reassurance to alleviate
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their fears of Abandonment or rejection
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and this can become kind of exhausting
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for someone in the relationship to have
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to provide constant reassurance for them
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and so that's something that is
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important for individuals with anxious
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attachment to communicate openly about
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their needs so that their Partners can
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provide support and that their Partners
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understand what's going on inside of
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them to help Forge and Foster a more
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secure and trusting relationship
