Up next in 10
Caretaking for Aging Parents
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Feb 6, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! The population of older adults (65 and older) in the U.S. is growing rapidly, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. By 2030, the number of older Americans is expected to reach 73 million, making up more than 20% of the total population. As individuals age, they may require varying levels of care, which their adult children often provide. Adult children commonly experience uncertainty when confronted with the prospect of caring for their parents. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:07
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is
0:10
adaptable Behavior explained hi
0:13
everybody thanks so much for tuning in
0:14
today to adaptable we're going to talk
0:17
about the E and flow of family life and
0:20
specifically we're going to explore
0:22
something that's deeply personal and
0:24
currently quite relevant to me and many
0:26
of my friends the transformative stage
0:29
uh the evolution from our mutual adult
0:32
relationships with our parents to
0:34
embracing the role as a caregiver as
0:37
they age and as their um capabilities
0:40
begin to decline currently I'm noticing
0:43
the stage of life with my own um with my
0:46
own Mom where you know she was formerly
0:49
so independent self-reliant and really
0:52
quite capable and as she's aged there's
0:55
been you know the onset of things that
0:57
uh that indicate not as capable and
1:01
memory issues and things that are just
1:03
part of the Aging experience you know
1:05
along with things like Health declining
1:07
and such and so when your role starts to
1:10
shift from being able to lean on your
1:12
parents in the way that you did growing
1:14
up and then you know we we are more
1:18
relied upon because of the just the
1:20
natural stage of things it becomes a lot
1:22
to reflect on and of course anytime we
1:25
have major changes and transitions
1:28
there's a lot to consider and so my hope
1:30
today with this show is to give some
1:33
some insight and some things to look for
1:35
and then hopefully some advice or
1:38
Counsel on how you can better navigate
1:40
these stages as you um as you will
1:44
likely face if you're in a family system
1:46
where you want to be part of the
1:48
caretaking role of your aging parents so
1:52
there's it's a subtle transition and it
1:54
can be marked by small signs like our
1:57
parents face challenges with tasks that
1:59
once came easily to them and these
2:02
moments can evoke a lot of emotion and
2:05
concern but as well as tenderness
2:08
because we're coming to terms with this
2:10
stage of life and ultimately they're
2:12
increasing vulnerability and anytime we
2:15
have to embrace change like this there's
2:17
there's a certain amount of grief
2:19
involved in uh which is a transition but
2:23
then also comes Grace and then
2:25
eventually acceptance so some of the
2:28
subtle changes that you might want to
2:30
look for that can be an indication that
2:33
parents are beginning to experience a
2:35
decline might be subtle at first and we
2:38
don't even really notice them um maybe
2:41
there's changes in physical appearance
2:43
like personal grooming or wearing of
2:46
similar clothes or not becoming not
2:49
getting dressed and and cleaned up like
2:51
they typically might have because it's
2:53
so subtle it's just a departure from the
2:55
way the person typically showed up and
2:58
we are confused and so these are just
3:01
some this is just a subtle thing that
3:02
you might see like physical appearance
3:04
like I mentioned before memory lapse is
3:06
something that happens as we decline
3:08
generally speaking but ways that you
3:11
might know this is happening might be
3:13
things like uh perhaps they ask the same
3:16
questions over and over or forget
3:18
important dates or maybe they uh they
3:22
you told them about something but then
3:24
at a later conversation they ask again
3:27
or they they appear as if that it was
3:29
ever told to them and I know that I
3:31
personally found myself frustrated when
3:33
this started happening with my mom
3:35
because it kicked up in me like she's
3:37
not listening she's not interested or
3:39
I've already said this which kind of um
3:42
felt burdensome and then I really
3:45
started to reflect on how insensitive
3:48
that felt and how in inauthentic that
3:50
felt for my values of compassion because
3:54
uh I wasn't being kind with it but I
3:55
felt uh like this struggle was so
3:57
frustrating and I didn't understand why
3:59
was happening and of course the more
4:02
these things happen the more you start
4:03
to realize it's just a change that's
4:05
happening in the cognitive capabilities
4:07
of a person as they age and it's quite
4:09
normal and it doesn't have to
4:11
necessarily mean Dementia or Alzheimer's
4:13
are setting in it can just be that we're
4:15
aging so another thing that can happen
4:18
are maybe even just difficulty with
4:20
daily tasks like struggling with
4:22
something that might have been routine
4:25
uh like shopping or cooking or maybe
4:27
even changing a light bulb that you know
4:29
and new fears can develop like the fear
4:33
of getting up on a ladder perhaps where
4:35
before that might not have been an issue
4:37
and and then the the thought about if I
4:39
fall at this age and perhaps you know my
4:43
um physical abilities aren't quite as
4:45
strong maybe I break a hip and that
4:47
becomes so much more debilitating and so
4:50
fear can start to set in that is part of
4:53
what preempts uh struggling with some of
4:55
these routine activities or maybe even
4:58
an uh decisiveness or an inability to
5:01
make decisions about basic things
5:03
another thing that you might see is
5:06
perhaps Financial mismanagement so maybe
5:09
there's unpaid bills that start to
5:10
happen or they start to report things uh
5:14
such as confusion around you know an
5:16
online platform that requires a setup or
5:19
things around that uh and and and maybe
5:22
even a an awareness that they don't have
5:24
as much money as they thought and so
5:26
there's more confusion that can set in
5:28
so that might be something that shows up
5:30
that that is the subtle onset of of how
5:33
uh we all start to decline a bit as our
5:36
capabilities diminish something else
5:38
that I've seen with many people uh you
5:41
know my friends report and clients
5:42
report as well is potential social
5:45
withdraw so maybe the people uh they
5:48
maybe they have less interest in
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socializing or engaging in previously
5:53
enjoyed activities maybe they don't want
5:55
to learn something new or that feels too
5:57
cumbersome um I know that a lot of of uh
6:00
places with 55 and older activities are
6:03
really designed so that uh there's a
6:05
cultivation of connection and ultimately
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problem solving skills and relating and
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keeping keeping your mind sharp and so
6:13
when someone is alone they might be even
6:17
um you might even notice someone
6:19
becoming less and less engaged in social
6:21
activities or experiences something that
6:24
a lot of people discuss is a mood
6:26
fluctuation signs of maybe depression or
6:28
anxiety or even mood swings and if you
6:31
think about it as I age when I become
6:34
less and less capable it's going to kick
6:36
up frustration in me it's going to kick
6:38
up shame that I can't do things that I
6:40
could have formerly done and and
6:42
ultimately grief because I have to
6:45
grieve the stage of life that I'm
6:47
currently in because I'm not as capable
6:49
I'm not what I used to be and that's so
6:52
frustrating because we can remember you
6:54
know think about wherever you are you
6:56
can remember being in elementary school
6:59
you can remember being in junior high
7:01
and what that was like and so as we age
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they can remember being you know vital
7:05
and strong and capable and so it's even
7:08
more frustrating when they become uh
7:10
limited by their physical Mobility or
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things start to hurt so uh so much more
7:16
that there's an avoidance of that
7:17
physical movement which of course we all
7:20
know that's not uh helpful it doesn't
7:22
sustain more Mobility if we stop moving
7:24
so again we need to uh just notice that
7:27
that Mobility can can be a a subtle
7:30
difference sometimes the neglect of Home
7:32
Maintenance or things like uh you know
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maybe the yard is overgrown or mail at
7:38
uh males not collected or or Stacks up
7:41
piles in someone's home that they
7:43
haven't addressed lack of basic home
7:46
repairs and and sort of a dismissal of
7:48
those things like oh well I'm not going
7:49
to take care of that it's not that big
7:51
of a deal where perhaps formerly they
7:53
would have handle things like that more
7:55
regularly something else that can show
7:57
up are weight changes whether people
7:59
gain weight or they may lose weight
8:01
because they become more sedentary and
8:04
they are not moving as much so they're
8:06
not uh burning as many calories as
8:08
they're still consuming or maybe they're
8:10
eating more because they're bored and
8:12
they're not as active and in that
8:14
boredom they are you know continuing to
8:18
uh take in the calories but of course
8:20
not burning them and perhaps weight loss
8:23
they become more disinterested in eating
8:26
they don't feel like going to the store
8:28
they don't like to cook anymore more and
8:30
so things like that can happen that can
8:32
be a little bit of a clue that there
8:34
might be some health or dietary issues
8:36
or just kind of a a little bit of a
8:39
depression setting in as one begins to
8:42
age there can be safety concerns that
8:45
come up for example if there's an
8:47
inability to follow directions regarding
8:50
Electronics or per you know medication
8:53
instructions or maybe unsafe driving
8:55
perhaps can happen uh maybe reflexes
8:58
have slown down or uh Vision has
9:01
decreased and so sometimes these things
9:03
can contribute to just the subtle onset
9:06
of of a person declining that can be
9:08
gradual not always obvious and it's
9:12
important to approach these situations
9:14
with empathy and we want to consider
9:16
seeking professional advice if you
9:18
notice some of these signs um but at a
9:21
minimum I want to help you guys
9:24
understand that being compassionate and
9:27
and um addressing these things with
9:29
kindness are going to be at the
9:31
foundation of how this transition is
9:33
going to be more effective so I'm going
9:35
to give you some examples of things
9:37
specifically to address and how we might
9:39
show up for people and ourselves as this
9:42
transition takes place let's say that um
9:46
you've noticed mom who's always had a
9:48
handle on her finances seems a little
9:49
bit lost amid the bills and the
9:51
paperwork so it's important that we
9:54
approach these things like I said before
9:55
with kindness and understanding saying
9:58
things like Mom I see you're dealing
9:59
with a lot right now can we sit down and
10:02
sort through this together so it doesn't
10:03
feel quite so overwhelming the key is
10:06
communication and being able to have
10:09
honest conversations about their needs
10:11
and preferences is really essential it's
10:13
a delicate balance of giving support and
10:15
maintaining respect which is often
10:18
accompanied by feelings of hesitation on
10:21
the part of the caregiver and on the
10:23
part of the receiver of care because you
10:25
know they don't want to need us they
10:27
don't want to need our help and they
10:29
feel like I said there's grief and
10:31
frustration and disappointment that this
10:32
is where they are and then there's also
10:35
that sense of gratitude one if a if a
10:37
parent or someone you need to care for
10:39
is willing to ask you for help that that
10:41
can feel wonderful to be uh trusted
10:44
enough to to help somebody but there's
10:46
also gratitude on the part of the person
10:47
who needs help that they can ask and
10:49
that they're not so alone with with
10:51
whatever they are currently struggling
10:53
with another example might be something
10:56
like let's say uh your dad is reluctant
10:58
to knowledge that they need help and
11:01
their pride is uh mingling with a sense
11:03
of apprehension and so we can see this
11:06
we can notice and acknowledge and we can
11:08
address their concerns with kind of a
11:10
gentle re reassurance like it might
11:13
sound something like you know Dad you've
11:14
always been there for me but it's my
11:16
turn to support you so let's make a plan
11:19
so that we can keep things running
11:20
smoothly and let's address things
11:22
proactively so that you don't feel quite
11:24
so alone and you can let me be there for
11:26
you now when you think about the
11:28
transition it's important to realize if
11:31
you're if you're not single and you have
11:32
a partner that there needs to be a lot
11:34
of communication with your partner that
11:35
takes place because ultimately our um
11:38
stepping into help is going to require
11:40
time and attention uh perhaps resources
11:44
and this affects the a partnership and
11:46
we want to determine whether or not a
11:48
partner wants to be supportive as well
11:51
and what their role is going to look
11:52
like and we we have to consider a whole
11:55
bunch of things that I want to talk
11:56
about so the first is obviously an all
11:59
relationships with all transitions open
12:02
communication we need to discuss our
12:04
expectations our limitations openly with
12:07
our partner and our like and consider
12:10
our own limitations to ensure that
12:12
there's kind of a mutual understanding
12:14
of our roles and agreements on Care on
12:17
on our caregiving and what we are going
12:18
to do and recognize that this has to be
12:21
fluid that sometimes I might be able to
12:23
show up for your mom and sometimes I
12:26
need to set a boundary because I'm
12:27
currently overwhelmed with my own
12:30
responsibilities and we want to just
12:31
make sure we have a mutual understanding
12:33
about what our support is going to look
12:35
like and how we're going to rely on one
12:37
another and communicate with one another
12:39
when it comes to supporting an aging
12:41
parent financial planning is an
12:43
important part to discuss as well with a
12:45
partner uh we need to recognize that a
12:48
financial impact of caregiving can
12:50
impact our personal goals as a couple
12:53
and so we want to explore options for
12:55
support and and check into things you
12:58
know perhaps supplemental supports like
13:00
insurance or benefits you know long-term
13:03
Financial supports and ultimately
13:06
Community Resources are a great place to
13:08
lean because there's all sorts of really
13:11
wonderful uh resources that are
13:13
available for every age of the lifespan
13:16
but it just takes some researching and
13:17
learning about them uh and that can be a
13:20
collaborative effort we want to talk
13:22
about healthc care and the coordination
13:23
of that with our partner a lot of times
13:26
like I talked about before if there's a
13:28
mental decline
13:29
understanding medical uh jargon and
13:33
needs of an elderly elderly parent and
13:35
then Co coordinating with the health
13:37
care provider for Proper Care Management
13:39
can be really important because as we uh
13:42
need more medical attention and support
13:45
it can get really overwhelming and
13:46
confusing especially if caregivers
13:48
aren't coordinating which unfortunately
13:50
in this day and age a lot of doctors
13:52
aren't talking to one another about
13:54
their plans and their conceptualization
13:56
of the of the patient and their order of
13:59
care and so we sometimes have to act as
14:02
um a mediator to keep things straight
14:05
and help make sure that the that the
14:07
parent understands what's going on we
14:09
also have to look at legal
14:10
considerations like let's face it as
14:13
things decline people might not have the
14:16
ability to uh understand what they want
14:19
to do when it comes to their assets so
14:22
getting um your legal uh situation in
14:25
order with the power of attorney and
14:27
living wills can be important because we
14:30
want to make sure those things are up to
14:32
date and they can be relied upon should
14:33
anything go wrong and we don't want to
14:35
be dealing with this after the fact
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because then we have the U the
14:40
complications of all the emotional
14:42
situation with the loss and the sadness
14:44
and depending on the the way someone
14:47
passes the shock and and all those
14:49
things come up and it makes it much
14:51
harder to think clearly about things
14:53
that we can address proactively so if
14:54
you have a partner doing that together
14:56
is a really uh advisable situation
14:59
situation having emotional support that
15:02
can potentially be outside of the
15:03
partnership can be important too because
15:05
you want to realize that uh supporting
15:08
someone takes an emotional toll and it
15:11
can be really uh overwhelming for both
15:13
partners and so we want to seek support
15:16
through either counseling or friends or
15:18
support groups if needed now if the
15:21
decline becomes too overwhelming we want
15:23
to look at opportunities like respit
15:24
care so if you can get arranged for
15:27
respit care to have primary caregiver
15:29
get a break uh and and hopefully prevent
15:32
some some caretaking burnout that's a
15:35
good thing to to look into if it becomes
15:37
a full-time situation when you're
15:39
looking at caretaking and then of course
15:42
everything's better if we can divide and
15:43
conquer so recognizing you know I'll
15:46
take care of taking Mom to the doctor
15:48
and you go ahead and handle dealing with
15:50
her Gardener and then um make sure that
15:53
the bills are paid and things like that
15:55
as they continue to decline so that we
15:57
can balance the workload and we can also
15:59
involve other family members you know
16:01
kids and grandkids who are willing to
16:03
participate and hopefully share some of
16:05
the responsibility and provide
16:07
additional support can definitely make
16:09
this transition much easier so often
16:13
times as a caregiver it's important that
16:16
we realize we are putting ourselves at
16:18
the back of the line and we have to make
16:19
sure that we're maintaining our own
16:21
overall health and wellness we got to
16:23
put our own oxygen masks on before we
16:26
pass it on to everybody around us
16:28
otherwise we run out of capacity
16:30
ourselves so making sure that you're
16:32
taking care of your own self-care your
16:34
own exercise eating habits and and the
16:37
things that help maintain capacity are
16:39
important as a caregiver and then
16:41
realizing that we have to be adaptable
16:44
remembering that that aging isn't linear
16:47
and that we want to be able to uh be
16:49
flexible as circumstances change and the
16:52
needs of the elderly parent evolve over
16:55
time so these considerations can be
16:58
helpful to create supportive
17:00
environments for both caregiver and the
17:02
person that you're care taking for and
17:05
ensures that the care provided is
17:07
sustainable and it's effective and
17:09
ultimately uh healthier because you need
17:11
to remember that taking care of an aging
17:13
loved one it's a team effort and it's
17:15
essential to have support open lines of
17:18
communication and support one another
17:20
throughout the process so excluding the
17:24
partnership role and thinking about the
17:25
caretaking in and of itself we want to
17:28
recognize that setting boundaries is
17:30
going to be critical and in another
17:31
episode I talk more in depth about
17:33
boundaries and how basically what's okay
17:35
for me and not okay for me and making
17:37
sure you assert your needs and express
17:40
yourself and make sure that you're not
17:42
keeping too much in because ultimately
17:45
that creates resentment and um feelings
17:47
that don't need to be part of this
17:49
process so I I have a client that I've
17:52
been working with for a while and she
17:54
has been in a Perpetual caretaking role
17:56
and one of the things that we've had to
17:58
really address addess is the strain that
18:00
being a constant caretaker has been on
18:03
her you know she has many children
18:05
children of course need caretaking and
18:07
depending on their developmental age you
18:09
know that's really appropriate and so
18:10
coupled with caretaking of an elderly
18:13
parent you know that can be you can be
18:15
pulled in a lot of directions so we want
18:17
to make sure that we're really
18:19
communicating our boundaries and setting
18:21
time aside for self-care and personal
18:25
responsibilities and obligations so that
18:27
we don't burn out and so having that
18:29
communication is essential and necessary
18:31
like I am here for you and I want to do
18:33
these things but don't forget I have my
18:35
own responsibilities that are piling up
18:37
and I want to work together with you to
18:39
find a solution that suits both of us is
18:41
a great way to address some of these
18:43
issues and again like we talked about
18:46
before planning legal and financial
18:48
situations discussing future sit
18:51
scenarios and all of those things can
18:53
bring up emotionally charged feelings
18:56
and those are associated with the loss
18:58
and the passage of time so we want to be
19:00
sensitive to those thing things um you
19:03
know I uh my father-in-law passed away
19:05
many years back and he didn't take care
19:07
of a lot of these uh items related to
19:10
his his um his estate and so I can
19:13
remember the toll that it took on my
19:15
husband especially but uh on both of us
19:17
because there was so much to iron out
19:19
and so really proactively addressing
19:22
those things is
19:23
essential and before things are too far
19:26
gone we want to really look at care
19:28
options and considering different
19:30
potential care that must be potentially
19:33
part of the situation whether it's for
19:35
memory care uh or assisted living in
19:38
some other way and realizing that that
19:40
it's a pretty emotional decision and if
19:42
the person who needs care can be part of
19:45
that decision it helps them have
19:47
autonomy and have um more identity in
19:50
the process of their aging and I think
19:52
that's really a more respectful approach
19:54
when possible uh sometimes the prospect
19:57
of inhome care or transitioning to an
20:00
assisted living facility can be really
20:03
intimidating for them and we want to be
20:05
honoring about those things we also want
20:07
to consider focusing on the positive
20:09
aspects of these opportunities because
20:13
if we have hope and there's something to
20:14
look forward to it can make Transition a
20:16
little less overwhelming so saying
20:19
things like you know there's excellent
20:20
services that can that can be offered
20:23
there's opportunity to cultivate
20:24
connection and make friends and keep
20:26
busy and use your mind and we want you
20:29
to stay active and social and have
20:31
things to look forward to and these are
20:33
some of the highlights about perhap
20:35
perhaps changing living situation and
20:38
and of course like I talked before about
20:40
self-care and burnout this is critical
20:43
you know when we're running a marathon
20:44
we need to Pace ourselves we need to
20:46
really look at um the Long Haul and how
20:50
do we approach this time of life in this
20:53
transition in a balanced manner so that
20:56
you don't lose track of yourself and we
20:58
don't end up too far at the back of the
21:00
line as the caretaker in this process of
21:03
becoming a a caretaker of an elderly or
21:06
aging parent uh sometimes we need to ask
21:09
for additional support like I said from
21:11
Friends uh from a counselor perhaps uh
21:15
and make sure that you're just really
21:16
taking some time to recharge so that you
21:18
can have some capacity and some energy
21:21
to keep continuing to help the person
21:23
that you've we love and we want to be
21:25
there for and when you think about it
21:27
we're all going to be there so I try to
21:29
think about how do I want to be treated
21:30
when I end up in that stage of life and
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I really hope that um uh I continue to
21:36
be honoring and kind and compassionate
21:37
because I hope that someday I'm lucky
21:39
enough to have one of my kids be willing
21:41
to help me if I'm ever in the situation
21:43
where I need that support So as we close
21:47
today I want to acknowledge that this
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caregiving phase is natural it's hard
21:52
but it can be rich with love although
21:54
challenges are part of it we grow from
21:56
those challenges and those uncomfortable
21:58
situations ations and so if you're in
22:00
the midst of one of these transitions
22:01
remember that you're part of a larger
22:03
Community this is definitely a sure
22:05
thing that can happen and there are
22:07
people that are willing to support you
22:09
you're not alone so make sure that you
22:11
reach out if you need support and um and
22:15
if you need further resources you can
22:16
check those out in our comments below so
22:20
until next time thank you so much for
22:22
joining us and don't forget to lead with
22:25
love it'll never steer you wrong
22:27
[Music]
22:40
you
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[Music]
#Aging & Geriatrics
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