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Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! Parenting doesn’t stop once children reach adulthood, but it certainly changes. One of the big questions parents wrestle with is — how much should I be involved in my adult child’s life….when they are in college, starting their careers, finding romantic partners, and needing financial support? We go over all this and more!
I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing!
I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all.
-- Links --
https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc
https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo
https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
hi everyone I'm Kelly ooro and this is adaptable Behavior explained hi
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everybody thank you so much for tuning in today I'm really excited to have you here for this episode of counselor Cafe
0:19
I've got with me my friend and colleague Ain St who is also a therapist at infinite healing and wellness and I'm
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excited to have her today especially for the topic that we're going to discuss because it is oh so important and so
0:31
Erin uh tell us a little bit about yourself yes um I'm a licensed associate counselor and EMDR therapist here at
0:38
infinite I have three boys and I've been married for 28 years to my husband Ethan
0:45
and one thing that makes our family unique is four years ago we lost our oldest son Cameron at age 22 to a car
0:52
accident and that was after a really long Battle of him navigating mental health challenges and addiction and he
0:59
list to say the impact on our family and the growth that we've had for the last four years has been exponential and it's
1:06
changed me as a parent so as if parenting doesn't present its challenges enough to have to have an incredibly
1:13
traumatic experience happen to not just you but to your whole family it can't
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not upside down the system and everything that you once knew so thank you so much for your vulnerability and
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being on the show with us today uh I really appreciate that and I think that having had the story you have makes you
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an extra extra special person to have uh talk about the topic we're going to have
1:38
today which is on parenting adult children uh most of my friends now have
1:44
adult children and what I've learned about this process is it is so darn challenging it's so uh you know without
1:51
the blueprints just just like everybody we as parents have only done this once
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at this time in this stage with these children with their adaptations and personalities and so it's it's ever
2:04
evolving and parenting uh adults really does change compared to what our
2:09
expectations were uh when we were parenting children so I hope that this episode is helpful for you if you want
2:15
more content like this please subscribe to this channel like this episode specifically and if you find it helpful
2:21
or perhaps necessary for someone you know feel free to share it that that helps us know what you want to see more
2:26
of so this topic is especially important to me because I have five adult children
2:33
um you know and the expectations that we have had as parents have really changed
2:39
in this Paradigm as far as generationally you know you and I were raised by you know the Boomer population
2:47
where they just didn't have the touchy Philly High overfunctioning helicopter parenting sort of energy at least that
2:53
was not my experience and the experience of most of my clients that are in similar Ages was that was that yours not
2:58
at all yeah right so I think as humans we all adapt and my adaptation was to swoop in and do a lot
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more overfunctioning not wanting my children to feel alone or unhelped or
3:12
but you know without guidance in so many moments of my life that's that is how I felt and so it's like that adaptation is
3:19
too much of a good thing and can become counterproductive so it has created its own set of circumstances in our
3:26
offspring that we're learning how to navigate and you know so when we think about how hard it is and the paradigm
3:33
shift that's happened I want to give our viewers some information that can help normalize the experience but also some
3:40
some guidelines about things we can do if we know better in order to do better
3:45
and ultimately have more productive healthy adult adult relationships
3:50
transferring from that child developmental age which there is a lot more directive parenting to the adult
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adult relationship which is is you might consider and if not we have to just
4:03
watch what happens because it's not our journey yes so absolutely we're going to
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talk about several topics today but the first topic I want to talk about is boundaries because I think the essence
4:15
of so many issues that happen in all relationships not just our parenting relationships is either boundaries that
4:21
haven't been expressed or spoken about and then also uh people who don't know how to implement them and then how do we
4:28
follow and honor boundaries that are set both for ourselves and for our adult children so what are some of the
4:35
challenges you can share about changes and boundaries and expectations that happen when our kids grow up and they
4:42
are no longer kids they become adults there's so many examples I can think of but one that was hilarious was when my
4:48
youngest was a freshman in college and he went to ASU so he lived 20 minutes away and my husband and him had been
4:55
buddies their entire life they did everything together and my my husband was really struggling with this and so
5:01
every weekend he would send a text like hey buddy you want to come home and so I think he would feel guilty and so he
5:07
would come home and then he'd spend the weekend with us and this went on for the first two months of college and finally
5:13
he sat me down and said mom how do I tell Dad that I love him and I want to spend time with him but I want to be a
5:20
college student and I was like well you got to sit down and you got to say it and so he did and like just like that
5:26
and my husband was a little bit hurt and then he was like yeah you're right I'm I'm overdoing right and so understanding
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the balance of of how to know when do we intervene versus when do we stay out of the way and and I think a lot of times
5:41
that that that really is it is a it is a fluid process yes we have to figure out
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what's too much what's not enough and how do we how do we Define that in our
5:54
changed relationship because it's New Territory yes it really is so when we're
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talking about how these new boundaries have to look and what do we want to do
6:06
to implement these changes in our relationship I think the primary factor and the second topic we have to discuss
6:12
is communication yes and this area is so unfortunately poor in in most family
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systems because we make assumptions we make up stories we draw conclusions that
6:24
are not accurate and in the gaps we fill in what wasn't actually done so said or
6:29
expressed and so when kids are transitioning from that that child adult
6:35
relationship with their parents and they need more autonomy agency and Independence so when we talk about how
6:41
we have to modify the way boundaries are set when our kids are small versus what are we going to do as adults the primary
6:48
thing we have to keep in mind is the second topic we have to discuss and this isn't just appropriate for our children
6:54
this is imp the most important factor in all relationships and that's communication and and we tend to not
7:01
recognize that communication changes depending on uh you know generational
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time and so texting or you know communication about what we need and how
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we want oftentimes done through a voicemail or sometimes a DM in a social
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media post or even oftentimes now how I know I was how you know I was thinking about you was I saw something on social
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media and I shared that and so we have this totally different shift in expectations and our kids that's all
7:31
they've known yes so for you and I where we would have said we need to sit down and have this conversation that's not
7:38
what they are used to and so we have to do some adjusting on on connection so
7:43
that we can adapt to the communication styles that are are more natural and normal for them you know yes we also
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have to adjust our expectations around the communication frequency depth time
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so talking about your husband's example like I want the Weekend Update and he's like I want to go to college and have
8:04
something to update you about you know and so we have to adjust those expectations on what that looks like
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yeah that's probably been one of the more difficult things for me because I'm a talker and I was used to having my kids come home and just chat with me and
8:18
now they're away and they have their lives and the frequency is less and sometimes I have to just do a little
8:24
nudge I did not like the texting because I can never understand tone or the Emojis they laugh at me because I can't
8:30
get any of the Emojis right um but then it's just become a sense of humor like I just have to have a sense of humor and I
8:36
try to send memes and gifts and I get them all wrong but that's okay that's okay right we're evolving and learning
8:42
to communicate the way they do so from the parent experience or the or as a as
8:48
a therapist from a client story can you give an example of where you've seen this be a challenge and something that
8:54
you might suggest to help overcome a communication issue with our adult kids
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the biggest complaint interestingly from my older clients is they hate when they're being called in the car they
9:05
feel like they're an afterthought so I think that's been an interesting thing because I do that to my mom because I
9:12
have time and I was like oh maybe I should ask my mom is that really what you want me to do when what would be
9:19
helpful for you because my mom's 77 but then our adult children who are younger I I finally did ask my children I'm like
9:25
what's appropriate for me to call you in college like what's a what's a appropriate frequency and they told me
9:31
what they wanted and then interestingly they ended up calling me more so I think
9:36
it's I think you have to have clear communication and if you're overstepping bounds tell your children like just let
9:41
me know right what what is it that works for you keeping that communication Line
9:46
open yes so that we're saying hey this is New Territory for me I don't know what you're going to need and one of my
9:53
worries is that you think I've forgotten about you if I leave you alone too much right and and also I don't want to be
9:59
intrusive but I am interested in you and I don't want to lose touch with you as a
10:04
person I want to become your friend as we transition into this space and I think that clear communication is so
10:10
helpful and then also communicating with your child that listen adulting is New Territory for you and although I want to
10:18
I want us to evolve into a friendship stance over time I get that you're brand new at doing this whatever that looks
10:24
like and you know I think that really lasts for for a a while it's not like I
10:30
turned 18 and now I'm supposed to know all the things that I wasn't really ever taught or had to figure out on my own
10:37
and so that line of adulting at 18 I think is got to be fluid because it's
10:42
just an unfair expectation I think the good thing about this level of communication or the fact
10:48
that we have technology is if you think about in our day when you left at 18 you really could only call occasionally
10:55
because it was so expensive or you you might have questions and you know your
11:00
parents it was always like did I did I teach them enough well now it's really the concept of we've got time it's okay
11:07
it's an evolving thing and you can call me and I can call you and you're going to evolve and we're going to do this
11:13
together and learning is such a lifetime Endeavor and and also we have everything at the ready so I didn't have to teach
11:19
them how to balance a checkbook because they can just go go on Google or go on YouTube and then they can say you know
11:25
show me how to balance a checkbook and then there's this lesson at the ready so the relationship has changed and the
11:31
need that a kid has from us has changed as well absolutely but you know can you give us an example of that line of
11:39
balancing that Independence versus you know your showing up for them in your
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own story maybe uh this Christmas would be a good example so my son just graduated had a very busy semester was
11:51
finishing up applying for graduate school um applying for jobs and I was
11:57
all excited I had this whole Christmas planned I'm a big planner everything was planned to the hilt and I really didn't
12:05
take him into consideration and so we had a day that was kind of like not
12:10
planned and I had decided that we were going to go get groceries and I was going to help him with his new apartment
12:16
and we had all these things and he just started getting really hory with me and I was offended I was like how dare you I
12:23
as your mother am doing all these wonderful things for you and he was actually really sweet and did all of it
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um but later I I had some self-reflection and I was like I totally
12:36
steamrolled him with my what I wanted you you made it the day about you and
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how you could be such a great helping Mom great mom yes and we all fall into that yeah you know and something we've
12:48
developed in our house that I think has gotten better and and it's not just between my husband and I but it is with our kids is what would help look like or
12:55
what would the day what would your needs look like for today yes so that we can honor one another and
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what that is yes and that is a great question you know what does what does Health look like right now based on what
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you're saying to me this problem because I need to know how to show up for you and I don't I don't want to do it in a
13:12
way that's not serving you yes and we just have to ask yes and oftentimes that builds so much Connection in our
13:18
relationships with our adult kids because they they recognize that we see them that we see them and I think they
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all just like everybody we want to be seen we want to be understood well and I think even in that situation I went back
13:30
and repaired I went back and I said hey I really thought about this and I realized what I did and I'm really truly
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sorry and next time I'm going to ask you how would everyone like to spend the day and what what would it look like for you
13:42
too sure so I I did the very same thing this year with Christmas I had this agenda and I didn't you know do anything
13:48
to find out what everybody else wanted and that blew up in my face for sure so
13:54
lessons uh lessons keep coming for sure um so the the next topic I think that is
13:59
an important thing to discuss is about financial support Financial concerns you
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know we say I've got to get him to 18 I got to get him out the door but the truth is in this day and age there is no
14:11
chance an 18-year- old's ready to financially support themselves and the anxiety that comes with that expectation
14:18
in some households is almost debilitating for some young adults and so I think that setting appropriate
14:24
expectations with the financial concerns and really recognizing that every child's needs are different depending on
14:32
things that they've set up or things that have been you know offered to them based on academics or scholarships or
14:39
things like that and the trajectory that they choose based on their personal desires and and such and so what do you
14:47
think is the biggest struggle with this for both kids and for parents when it comes to financial support so it's so
14:55
individual for every family but I also think that there's like this expectation of fairness that's like it's impossible
15:02
you cannot be fair with everybody you could set it up that way you could be like I gave you this amount of money and
15:07
then like you said something happens with that child or for instance we talked about covid you know our children
15:15
our youngest children were in covid and they couldn't have jobs right where you know our other children so they didn't
15:20
even have a resume or an experience to even financially figure that out for a while they missed out like on a really
15:28
crucial learning time in their life and then they had to make it up later right um so of course we have to help them a
15:34
little bit more because they weren't quite as ready for college right academically same same problem so the
15:39
finances I think are so it's about communication with your children and
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what do they need what can you give them fairly realistically what do you have to offer and without putting yourself at
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risk cuz I think that's the other thing is so many parents think I have to give so much to you at the expense of my own
15:59
wellness orness and we as parents have to also consider you know if if nobody's going to be there to to take care of us
16:05
when something happens we need to be responsible for that on our own and and yes we don't know we don't know what's
16:12
coming for for us or you know for them and and so setting those financial boundaries is really important but I
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think you're you said something that I thought was important as well related to that perception of fairness and I think
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that Co example is a really great example I know that my youngest was in college during covid and you know he
16:32
started with this full- ride scholarship situation where there was not a whole lot financially that we were needing to
16:38
support with and you know with covid comes the school's all shut College
16:44
didn't look like normal College you know I think like such an extraordinary
16:49
percentage higher than normal people dropped out I mean it was just like not a we didn't have any book about well now
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the rule were you know was I will do this as long as you're in college and it's like H you know all these things
17:01
from a mental health perspective had to be taken into consideration and and so I think that we do have to give ourselves
17:08
some Grace that circumstances will happen you know or maybe one could gets in an accident yes medical issues right
17:16
there's so many mental health issues or you know maybe someone has a baby and even though you know you didn't choose
17:23
for them to have a baby you also don't choose for them to suffer for the rest of their life because of this situation
17:29
and so how do we how do we and how do we intervene ways that can be supportive
17:35
handing up as opposed to handing out and how long does that last and you know you and I talked before the show I I really
17:41
agreed with you that that kind of that 18 to 2 Season really does tend to need more of
17:49
our support yes than back before where we could say well or maybe some of our
17:55
parents said you're 18 you're 18 yeah yeah good luck it's just not going to happen in this day it it really isn't
18:01
not successfully not successfully right so the next topic I think we need to discuss our parent expectations versus
18:09
realities right we all have this idea about who our kids can be when they grow
18:14
up and we have this vision of their capabilities and their competencies and their intellectual you know stance and
18:22
and the opportunities that we've worked so hard to provide for them and what they should do with those things and
18:27
then we of course do that imparative thing where had I been offered these things I might have done whatever else
18:32
and I think it's so grossly unfair to do to our kids and yet we all find ourselves doing it absolutely and so
18:38
recognizing that balance between recognizing that we we want for them but
18:44
it isn't about us yes what does that Journey need to look like for them and taking into consideration that they've
18:50
got you know this just in their very own ideas about what they want their life to
18:55
look like and that actually matters way more than what we want want for them from career choices to financial
19:01
decisions to religion to Family Planning whatever it is that are these big topics
19:07
we really don't get a say and I think that management is so critical to the uh
19:14
the transition of what our kids choose to do and how much they want to be involved in our lives based on how we receive their
19:21
choices yes very much so so based on that topic talk to me a little bit talk
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to our viewers a little bit about key factors that you think are important to keep in mind about this topic so I think
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support is the biggest trust your kid that they know what they need that's
19:41
really important that you don't know what they need because we don't nobody knows what's going on inside of somebody
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try not to live your life through your child you know it's just it's got to be you've got to be their biggest
19:53
cheerleader and help them to actually reach their goals but then trust that they know how that they can do too so an
19:59
example of that is my son our entire lives he wanted to be a doctor we were very excited my husband had always
20:05
wanted to be a doctor and didn't get that opportunity so of course we started Living our expectation and dreams through our child and um yeah and so he
20:14
that was always that was always the plan and then his freshman year he took a computer science class and I was like
20:21
okay and he really loved it and then changed as major and called and was so excited and I was not excited and was my
20:28
husband and we were like but you said you were going to be a doctor we we we've made this plan forever and he was
20:33
like well I don't want to do that anymore and it was just like this you know and I was like and so I really had to sit back and stop making it about me
20:41
and our expectations and everything that we'd worked for and I just let him go and he loves being a software engineer
20:46
it's his favorite thing he calls me and talks about zeros and ones and I have no idea what he's saying but you know I
20:52
just trusted that he would find his way and that he would know what was the best for him and I think if we as parents just tried to do that and give them the
21:00
freedom to know that it's their life it's their journey and we're just we're just there to help them then it's going
21:06
to be a lot better than if we keep imposing what we think they should be or what we expect them to be yeah well we
21:12
have to embrace the Transitions and the changes that come from them to us and
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recognize that we had an opportunity to to make mistakes to fall down to course
21:24
correct to change our minds and we we often times get held up in that um habit
21:31
or pattern of trying to protect our kids from making the wrong choice you know we
21:37
don't want them to make these wrong choices wrong choices in my air quotes because we think we know better and you
21:44
know of course we have experience and we want to impart our wisdom on our children and protect them from the mistakes that we may have made or the
21:50
opportunities that we didn't have but ultimately it robs them of their their Journey yes and it and it makes these
21:58
decisions then a reflection of our acceptance love and and and what not for
22:04
our kids which is conditional and I think that really can sever relationships absolutely I think also we
22:11
can be rigid so like in those expectations I um when I was in my 20s I had a mentor who had changed his career
22:18
three times and that actually led me to know that you can you can make a decision and it might not work out the
22:25
way you wanted it and that's okay you can make a change and so letting our children know that too like everything
22:31
you decide isn't like set in stone right right we change our mind it's okay to change our mind and we would tell our
22:37
clients no problem of course it's okay to change your mind what did you learn and what happened next but with our kids we're like wait a second this wasn't
22:43
part of the plan right you know the other thing we need to really make sure we focus on is celebrating the
22:48
achievements and the wins and not boxing in those uh what those are based on what
22:55
we think they should be so I'll give you an example uh my son uh my youngest son
23:01
he he's really into snowboarding and he's he's quite talented at snowboarding and um you know he can do backflips and
23:09
all of this really fancy stuff and it's so hard not to say where's your helmet
23:15
you know he wants to show me this achievement and my first instinct is to
23:21
criticize how he did it because of his safety and of course you know I don't want anything bad to happen to him and
23:28
so I have had to really work on that cuz luckily for me he calls me out when I do that you know I it makes me not want to
23:34
show you it makes me not want to show you when I have something that I'm excited about when the first thing out of your mouth is is how it should have
23:39
been different and so good good feedback not to say that it is you know not a
23:45
good idea to do back flips on your snowboard without your helmet but that's not the time for it you know in that
23:51
moment is the time to say dang you're so smooth and that looks so good and you
23:57
know at a later date you might be able to chime in about I have some anxiety around seeing that without it because
24:05
nothing's more precious than you know your neck and fast forwarding and me not
24:12
having to take care of you because you didn't wear that that worked really hard to bring you here right yeah so the the
24:18
key about being flexible and that delicate balance of adaptation and
24:24
needing to be able to be flexible is so important with how our kids grow and change and the the the direction they
24:31
choose to Traverse in their lives and I think us being open to that flexibility is such a key factor absolutely so the
24:38
next topic we have to discuss is the emotional implication for both kids or
24:44
adult children and parents because we are going through a flood of them during this really important developmental time
24:51
and I think what we go into it with is first the pride and fulfillment of having been parents and what they are
24:59
choosing to do and how you know we we make up that their choices are somehow a
25:04
reflection of how we parented them and and really we don't get to take credit I mean I started telling my kids a long
25:10
time ago you should be proud of yourself because it sort of doesn't matter what I think but that's one factor that comes
25:16
into play about being a parent is the pride that we feel I mean AB you know
25:22
for sure but the loss and the grief over an era is really important as well
25:28
the my identity as a mom our our identity is having kids in the home and
25:33
what do we do with our time that's so that's so important and special what was it like for you when you know your last
25:40
one was leaving absolutely terrible it's been really hard he left um a year ago
25:47
and um my husband and I thought you know empty nesters all of our friends have gone through it and they weren't honest
25:54
with us totally about how really hard it is it was an adjustment a huge adjustment for us it's very lonely it's
26:00
quiet in the house I love the fun of having children and their friends and all the busyness of it and now it's just
26:08
me and my husband and my dogs and I'm getting used to it but I cried a lot truthfully I did too my my whole last
26:15
year it was like the last this the last that the last and I just I I grieved I
26:20
think it's appropriately about the change in their circumstances and that this was coming to an end and I did have
26:27
so much of my identity tied up and my role as a mom and and all of that and even though I had a lot going on in my
26:33
own professional life and whatnot I really stood in those feet of or stood
26:39
in those shoes rather of needing to be a good mom that was what I want I really
26:44
wanted and so when that wasn't part of my day it was a lot of grief and I think it's important to recognize they're
26:50
going through some grief too the loss of and the grief of my childhood is over I
26:55
have to go start making adulting decisions and that's overwhelming for them and I I have a lot of uh people on
27:02
my case load that I've seen that you know in those 18 to 22 just a lot of
27:08
depression and sadness because of because of the change in that developmental period And how it's it's
27:16
sad they don't get to be little kids anymore and the decisions they make are impactful and it means something about
27:22
themselves yes and so it's a big deal it's a big deal and then what about worry and concern con ER talk a little
27:28
bit about for you what that's been like um that can be overwhelming you have to like reain it in a little bit because
27:34
it's it's a loss of control and I don't know why I thought I had control I was going to say and that illusion and that
27:40
that's an illusion right but we think that when they're little right it's very controlled and we we can control the outcomes for the most part and then as
27:47
they get older we get the we get that idea but as adults I literally have no control right and so you know we talked
27:55
about that a little bit too like our children decide to go on trips and we're like but do you really need to do that because it's it's winter or it happened
28:03
to me last night it's like I have worry and concerned my son's going to go uh snowboarding and it's in a snowstorm and
28:09
he's going to drive up the mountain at night in a snowstorm and it's not my place to say you shouldn't do that you
28:15
know I am saying please be careful do you have your chains let me know when
28:20
you get there cuz I'll be concerned but um and you know he was honoring and let me know when he arrived but the whole
28:26
time I'm like looking and track and you know it's hard and of course that's not for me to put on him I'm worried that
28:31
he's not safe or something could have happened so I think that that's the thing and then they're worried too right
28:37
they don't want to need us they don't want to make the wrong decisions they don't necessarily know what they want
28:43
yet but they've got to make decisions I think it's a delicate balance and I think it's just like we said it's an
28:49
evolution and it's kind of fun too because I'm always proud of them when they do it so he made it safely right so
28:55
he did it and he did that adulting thing um and then we just have to encourage
29:01
them and track them on our phones or not track them you know my husband goes and
29:07
this is going to change what I'm like well but if he's in a ditch and I see it for long enough then I can have a team go to wherever because I can track the
29:13
you know and again we didn't have that I mean it was like come home when the lights are on and the street lights are
29:19
on and it's like you're late well yeah the street lights go on and then you come home and you know we just it was so
29:25
different when we were when we were kids and and there's a Nostalgia to having
29:30
them at home that I think we have to just recognize that bitter sweetness of you know the responsibility that we
29:37
sometimes can't wait for that to be over and at the same time the sweetness of being able to walk into their room and
29:44
say how was your day oh yeah when they're all home I still feel that little peace in my heart like oh they're
29:49
all here yeah and that makes fullest well in the world yeah for sure the Fulfillment of Parenthood really when we
29:56
set down the expectations is is is like no other experience for sure so let's
30:01
talk a little bit about the identity loss and that purpose that we had and
30:08
how that changes when you are empty nesting so being a mom was a huge part
30:14
of my identity and I just did it full force um and I think I'm a little
30:20
unusual I decided to start a new career at 50 so I became a counselor um and I
30:26
did that with purpose I actually had a plan believe it or not um I started when my son was a freshman and I knew I was
30:33
going to have a really hard time when my last left and so that was my plan was
30:39
that I wouldn't I wouldn't feel the loss as much of course I was completely wrong about that but at least you had
30:45
something to distract yourself with a little bit though as well ex and I love working with young adults and having
30:51
that opportunity to get new ideas even as a mother but especially it's given me
30:56
a purpose that I don't think I would have had what do you think's been the hardest thing for you emotionally
31:02
transitioning to this phase of your of your life uh as a parent of an adult child being
31:09
quiet I I always had an opinion and my boys always thought my my opinion and now I just have to learn to just step
31:16
back and emotionally not get involved like I would just get involved in everything you know and now I'm just
31:22
like what do you think okay I I just listen yeah that's
31:27
the that's the hard part that's the goal that's the goal I I like what you said before when we were talking about kind
31:34
of learning how to be the support from behind you know can you can you say more about that I think it's really hard um
31:41
like I said I have very strong opinions my boys know that they'll that they'll call me out just like your son and um I
31:50
just try to be supportive and it's been it's been a bumpy road where I'll call and give my opinion and tell them they
31:56
did it wrong and then they'll call me and tell me I did that
32:04
wrong I do it a lot wrong and then we'll have the conversation so um it's just
32:10
constantly evolving but I feel like I'm getting a little better at it and I and I think that one of the messages I want
32:15
to impart for our listeners is that we have to have Grace for ourselves we're just figuring this out this is my very
32:20
first time being a parent of someone at this age in this stage with this family system in this paradigm and and so it's
32:28
like the humanness that's part of it as a parent I think we need to give ourselves Grace Circle back when we need
32:34
to and we need to give our kids Grace because this is their first time trying to navigate these Waters as well and it
32:41
it is going to be messy and bumpy and I love that you said you know I said I did it wrong and then they call me and they
32:46
go yep you know you did this part wrong and I'm grateful to my kids when they tell me this wasn't this wasn't that
32:54
could have gone better and here's what it could have looked like I think I think where it gets hard is when they don't know what they need that's really
32:59
tricky and so we have to be even more patient when they don't know what to say about what they need and I I experience
33:06
that with with some of my kids too like what do you need it to look like and they don't have an answer and so then we
33:12
have to wait because there's not much we can do until they share with us what what it could look like I was going to
33:18
say that reminds me of of just even counseling and you know one of the things they teach us is not to jump in
33:24
to let the person kind of sit with it and it's really uncomfortable to sit with someone when they're trying to figure out their stuff you're going it's
33:30
been a month it's been 6 weeks when you know when when do I get to when do I get
33:36
to be back in relationship because right we're waiting for them to know to figure
33:42
out to talk to us it's it's really hard hard and we have to give them the space to do it yes and then balancing like but
33:48
I'm here just so you know I'm like still here loving you I'm Still Here Yeah Yeah It's Tricky It's Tricky territory for
33:54
sure and that really leads me to the last topic we have to discuss which is really letting go I don't think I've
33:59
done that yet it's so hard it's so so hard and I think that's where relying on if you're lucky enough to have a spouse
34:05
that you get along with and find things in common that piece is really critical is is going it's time for us to rebuild
34:12
the foundation that was soever important but refocusing on us and what we need and
34:18
how do we need to move forward because letting go is the natural trajectory of what we're meant to do and what they
34:25
need from us even though it's so incredibly challenging but it will be better for them they will be better
34:30
people for it sure stronger more resilient and we'll all find our way and
34:36
they they then get to be proud of themselves for the achievements that they accomplished because it wasn't
34:42
about us and they did navigate it and they can lean in and ask us questions and advice if they want to but
34:47
ultimately they get to take the credit for the outcomes and I think that's what we have to be sub excited about but then
34:55
we also don't have to take respons responsibility for the outcomes when they're less than favorable yes and
35:01
that's the freedom of letting go too of saying listen that is really hard what
35:06
you're going through is just hard right and I am not judging you for it I have a lot of compassion but I also am not
35:13
really supposed to fix it for you right and that's hard too it's hard to sit in
35:18
the discomfort of of choices that we know are painful for our kids so this ultimately though helps us to rekindle
35:25
that parent adult friendship or adult adult friendship that can be so
35:30
beautiful and and and the counterintuitive peace that I'm learning in my own Journey right now is my
35:35
ability to be better at letting go is cultivating better friendships in my adult children and and absolutely will
35:43
do so as that becomes more known and you know tuned into would you agree I
35:49
absolutely would I think that's the evolution again of the family and how we always had traditions and traditions can
35:56
change Absol so as we become adults and they need to they're going to bring in stuff to us and and enrich our lives too
36:02
of things we would never have tried absolutely and so exciting to have the the the ability to have the
36:09
dynamic fluidity of what can life look like and change into and I think letting
36:14
go is really the key letting go of all of it and going what will be next and
36:20
embracing that yes I'm so grateful to you for being on the show and I love that you're in this phase that I'm not
36:27
alone in this phase of empty nesting with young adults um I appreciate having that in a colleague and in a friend with
36:34
you so thank you again for being here and for those of you who uh were
36:39
watching I hope that you found this helpful and beneficial know that you're not alone in this journey of parenting
36:44
adult children it is tricky business and there are no blueprints for doing it right and we are just doing the best
36:50
that we can so have Grace for yourself and if you like the episode please go ahead and subscribe and like and and um
36:57
don't forget to lead with love it'll never steer you [Music]
37:19
wrong
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