0:00
They separate and they disconnect from
0:02
the conflict and then they come back as
0:04
if nothing ever happened. And this
0:07
pattern over time, this rupture will
0:09
create disconnection. So we have to
0:11
circle back when we have conflict and
0:13
revisit the thing that we had conflict
0:15
about. Otherwise it turns into
0:17
resentment and old resentments will
0:19
breed disconnection. And so busy seasons
0:24
of life that never seem to end and it's
0:26
always the next thing we have to plow
0:28
through can be part of this rupture or
0:31
disconnection that happens over time. So
0:34
like let me give you an example that
0:35
might resonate for you. I'm thinking
0:38
about a couple that once talked like
0:40
every night and now they just coordinate
0:43
schedule. So it used to look like what
0:45
did your day look like and tell me about
0:47
your good and your hard things and then
0:49
they stop doing that. Or maybe you have
0:51
a partner that once reached for
0:53
affection and now they're just too tired
0:56
to initiate closeness and you perceive
0:59
that as rejection and so then you feel
1:01
alone and then you don't reach out to
1:03
try to get that ball rolling again. Or
1:06
maybe someone who once felt confident
1:08
now withdraws because their body has
1:10
changed and they don't feel sexy or
1:12
attractive anymore and so they stay
1:14
small or they stay covered all the time.
1:16
And that pull away can feel like
1:18
rejection. Intimacy doesn't fade because
1:21
you stopped loving each other. It
1:22
oftenimes fades because you stopped
1:24
having space to see each other as you
1:27
are. And so, like I said, if you're in
1:30
midlife and this is happening to your
1:32
relationship, it's not too late to
1:34
learn. So, this is like an opportunity
1:36
for re-education. Who are we now? One of
1:40
the things that happens in midlife is
1:42
that we think we are supposed to
1:43
function at 40, 45, and 50 the same way
1:47
that we did when we were in our 20s. But
1:49
our bodies and our needs and our
1:51
emotional capacities evolve and they
1:53
change. And so we need to relearn like
1:57
how chronic stress affects our ability
1:59
to connect and our willingness to reach
2:01
out and how your body signals overwhelm
2:04
and how that capacity can become less.
2:08
So how our hormones shift our mood and
2:10
our energy levels and what actually
2:13
feels grounding and supportive and
2:15
connecting today not 10 or 15 years ago
2:18
and we need to understand what that
2:20
looks like. So for example someone might
2:24
like formerly have decompressed through
2:26
conversation now maybe they need quiet
2:28
first before they reach for connection
2:30
or maybe a partner once craved physical
2:33
closeness now they need emotional repair
2:35
before they can open up. And I really
2:37
believe that our love languages change
2:39
over time. So if you're a fan of the
2:41
love language work, I suggest checking
2:43
out taking the quiz again as you age
2:46
because what you like and what you need
2:48
for connection and vulnerability and
2:50
intimacy often changes as we mature.
2:52
Another example might be that a partner
2:55
becomes more sensitive and then the
2:57
other may be more avoidant and not
2:59
because of rejection but because their
3:02
systems are adapting to that perception
3:04
of rejection. And so we have to talk
3:06
about, you know, my face and my huffs
3:08
and my puffs right now don't mean I
3:09
don't want to be with you. It means that
3:11
I feel already overwhelmed about the
3:13
list of things I have to do tomorrow.
3:15
And we need to talk to our partners and
3:17
and invite them to tell us what's going
3:20
on in their world. I like the the term
3:23
intimacy into me. You see, that
3:27
cultivates understanding about who we
3:29
are now, not who we were before. And it
3:32
lets our partner understand the
3:34
differences and you know it's happening
3:37
to them as well. We are going through
3:38
these changes together. And so now we've
3:41
got to talk about shame and upbringings
3:43
and how sometimes religious culture or
3:46
family culture, how it shapes the way we
3:48
view closeness and how our family of
3:51
origin affects how we view what it
