The data on dating—and the golden rule for better “luck”

Dating has never exactly been easy

In the past, say the 90s and prior, the majority of people met their partners through their communities

either through friends and family, or maybe through their work or their church or their school

But then, dating apps and online dating appear, and there's an incredible shift

The number of people who meet their partners online shoot up. And in some ways, this is a really good thing

Online dating and dating apps have helped a lot of people. And I think that the added freedom that online dating has provided

has been especially helpful for people in marginalized groups who might not have found their partners otherwise

But there are some alarming negative trends that are impacting the way that we live our romantic lives today

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For pretty much all of history, people met their partners through their community, their family, or friends

Dating apps has changed all of that. You can meet someone totally independent of your normal circles, and you can date them without supervision

But there is something of a downside to all of this privacy, too

There's a distinct lack of accountability. You can ghost someone or be ghosted

You can send someone a pic of your genitalia and know that they can't tell anyone about it because who would they tell

People behave, I would say, worse when they're online dating, in part because they're not afraid that their behavior will get out

And some of the stats bear this out. In a recent survey by Pew Research, 56% of women say that they had been sent a sexually explicit image or an image that they otherwise didn't ask for while dating online

And over 40% of women say that they had been contacted persistently by somebody who they attempted to cut off contact with before

37% of women say that they've been called an offensive name while online dating

And 11% say that they've actually received threats of physical harm. Of course, it isn't just women feeling the downsides of dating app pressures

64% of men say that they've been made to feel insecure by the lack of messages that they've received

And I think that there something about the level of rejection and constant negativity that some people feel experiencing apps that actually contributes to a sense of sort of malaise when it comes to online dating

I'm not sure that humans were really built to receive the amount of in-your-face rejection that a dating app can give

The number of people you simply don't match with who it's easy to internalize just don't like you as a person

And then there are also what I would call the habits of mind that using dating apps tends to inculcate

Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble and Hinge are set up to sort of gamify dating

Swipe left or swipe right on this deck of cards covered in hot people

And it can foster this feeling that there are hundreds, thousands, millions of people out there

So why settle for anyone who doesn't match your specifications perfectly? Of course, there may be millions of people out there

but that doesn't mean that you can or should date all of them. But dating apps do give the illusion that there is always something better out there

that there's no reason to put work into one relationship that isn't perfect

when you could just find another one and start over again. And I think that that may contribute to a delay in settling down for some people

and then of course with dating apps pictures are incredibly prominent and often people are judging

based on just appearance if you have a flattering profile pic if you can take a good selfie you're

much likely to get a positive swipe but this really cuts against people who hey may not be

great with a camera but have other excellent qualities that don't necessarily show up

while on a dating app. And it's actually men who complain the most about this

When people filter, often thoughtlessly for things like height, say, somebody who doesn meet those exact specifications but could be great and perhaps a perfect match in many other areas never gets a chance to shine And then finally when you think about dating apps and how you are sort of looking through

people's kind of marketing bios of themselves, the best picture, their maybe one line of text

that a Tinder or Bumble allows, you begin to look at people as objects. And at the same time

if you're on a dating app, you may be marketing yourself as an object too

So how can we be more ethical when we're dating and having sex

In my book, Rethinking Sex, I talk about the idea of willing the good of the other

which I think of as kind of a broad ethic for romantic and, frankly, other partnerships

The idea is that you try and think of the other person's good and rank it as highly as you would your own

It's something of the golden rule, but kind of an omnibus. I think that we have to work really hard to treat people as ends and not just means

We can think more about emotional intimacy. We can have more respect for commitment and more respect for other people's boundaries

To respect them as humans, not just images on a screen. And I will also say that online dating doesn't necessarily have to take the place of meeting someone in person

Yes, it is hard to approach someone in the supermarket or at a bar

The idea of building up the bravery and the social ability that it takes to talk to strangers

That's a healthy thing, whether you're using it for dating or not. Or you could just keep swiping and see if anything turns up

If you've ever used the dating app yourself, what was the experience? God, it's a dumpster fire

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