How to navigate loneliness, according to neuroscience

From a very young age, we're programmed to think that that person who's by themselves is a loner

We project a story about that person is perhaps not likable, or perhaps they don't have what is

needed in order to be embedded in a group. There's this stigma right off the bat that we learn growing

up where if you're alone, something's wrong with you. So when we feel lonely, we're more likely to

start to ruminate, to catastrophize in social situations, and to get caught up in these sort of

negative thought patterns and beliefs that then influence our behaviors. But they also influence

our brains and our bodies. But we can actually broaden the perception box that you're living in

and help you to feel more connected and overcome that isolated experience of loneliness

My name is Casley Killam. I'm the author of The Art and Science of Connection, and I'm an expert in social health

Our perceptions and the stories that we tell ourselves about feeling lonely in turn change the behaviors that we go out and do in the world

Someone who feels disconnected goes into a social interaction with their guard up

They feel more anxious. They're hypervigilant. They're a little bit more self-conscious

And that influences the interaction that they have with that other person

That might make them come across more negatively and actually cause the very thing that they were worried about

which is it doesn't go as well as they hoped. because they're coming from that mindset of limiting beliefs

In contrast if you go into a social opportunity believing that the other person is going to like you feeling confident about who you are having a solid relationship with yourself That going to empower you to

be more open and receptive to connecting in a way that actually helps you overcome loneliness

that actually helps you develop a more meaningful relationship. the culture around us also shapes how we understand our own experiences of loneliness

and connection in general across studies we see that the more individualistic a culture

the more lonely people feel within that country in contrast in collectivistic cultures people put

greater emphasis on family and on group harmony, there are different norms and expectations around

how we should be relating to one another. People in more individualistic countries might feel more

lonely, but they actually might have an easier time making new friends or branching out and

joining new communities because there isn't that same societal expectation for them to stay with

their original family unit and their original friends. In contrast, when people experience

loneliness in more collectivistic countries, we see that they have different health outcomes

So if you feel lonely and the societal expectation that you've grown up learning is that you need to

be connected to your family and it's so important for you to be embedded with other people, then

that mismatch between what you're feeling and what the story is in your head about what you should

be feeling is so great that we see that people have worse health outcomes as a result of feeling lonely in those kinds of cultures

Loneliness starts out as a thought pattern or an emotion. This actually triggers a stress response in our body that is associated with heightened levels of cortisol that associated with more inflammation which weakens our immune systems and actually makes us more susceptible to disease

If we start to understand that health is not only physical and mental, it's also social

that's going to change our behaviors. We're going to seek out connection and prioritize friendship

and community and family because we know that it's good for us. Our social lives are rewiring

our brains and in turn changing the experience that we have inside of our bodies. We can see

this in the neuroscience research. In one study, people went through mild electric shocks while

looking at photos of either their romantic partner or a complete stranger. What researchers found was

that people who were looking at a photo of their romantic partners reported feeling less fearful

and the brain activity in the regions associated with pain was lower. People's perception differs

according to whether or not they feel connected to another person. Imagine that more broadly if you

think about having rich friendships and being embedded in your community and having a really

strong sense of support, that's going to completely transform the way that you experience the world

Reacting to stressful life events, navigating the highs and lows that we all go through

all of that is more manageable if we have those core relationships to rely on to feel supported

Loneliness is not a reflection on who we are. It's a reflection of what we need. It's information

It's data. Being optimally socially healthy for you might be different than someone else

based on how much socializing you enjoy and what kinds of connection feel fulfilling to you One of the most effective approaches for helping people overcome loneliness is addressing their thoughts and their beliefs

Connection with yourself is as important as connection with other people. So one way to

develop a closer relationship with yourself as a foundation for connecting with other people

is through meditation. And one practice that I personally love is self-compassion meditation

where you focus the love that you feel for other people toward yourself. Prior to creating that

solid foundation with myself, I had struggled to be vulnerable and to open up to my friends

and loved ones. By feeling unconditional love for myself, I felt more comfortable opening up

and being vulnerable. And we know from the research that in order to develop meaningful

relationships, we need to be vulnerable. It creates trust. It engenders emotional intimacy

By creating that solid foundation with myself, I was better poised to engage in those more

meaningful conversations with other people. One of the best ways to start connecting again is to

help someone else, do an act of service, go volunteer in your community. It's this beautiful

way of broadening our thinking and seeing new opportunities, snapping us out of the mindset

of loneliness and the negative feelings and thought patterns that that can incur

A lot of times people don't feel lonely, and that isn't something that they necessarily identify with

And yet, maybe there are other ways that they can be socially healthy

Loneliness is just one sign of poor social health. Every single person needs to prioritize their social health, whether or not they feel lonely