LIFE LAB 14 03 23

[Music] and Cosmic girl speaking of which

uh don't look shocked you're at a lot of things yes but Cosmic girl I'm digging

it yeah yeah we can stick with that thank you very much it is the lunchtime lunch now lab and today

broadcasting on YouTube live stream styley oh yeah oh yeah we've got it all

going on here today we're up in our game aren't we oh just a bit yeah it's just a bit of a test really isn't it which is

yeah so you see how it goes I mean at the moment it's looking all right it's looking all right am I looking all right

looking Grand it's wonderful when you can hide behind the microphone and it's just voice going out there but this is

an added dimension of pressure isn't it because we've got webcams left right and

Center well the thing is the reason I started doing radio is because I could hide I could hide but no longer because

it's turned into Telly you're lovely you're well worth having a lovely view of get out of here oh this mutual

appreciation society what's it all about hello right what do we got on the lab today in the lab in the lunchtime

lifestyle lab firstly I would like to apologize a little bit bit for my voice because I broke it at the weekend what

did you do I just had too many gigs and I was having way too much fun and I wasn't very kind I didn't do proper

warm-ups so I destroyed my vocal cords so apologies for the rough sounding Neve

some of you might like it some of you less so I think it sounds pretty damn sexy thank you very much

um that's very kind of you it's true um today because I had such a fantastic

week of walks um with some really fantastic people we had the international women's day walk

with a great bunch of people um I made a presentation at um the Lady

Elizabeth International women's day and I had some just really other great walks connecting with people I thought it

would be lovely um because I get to choose the topic don't I really I thought it would be

really great to talk about the value of human connections right and the

importance of meaningful relationships now I know that might sound a little bit heavy but I promise it's not this is all

going to be good humored and lighthearted and we're going to talk about positive upbeat stuff

um as you know some of you may not know I work as a positive psychology coach

now positive psychology deals with how can I sum this up easily it's the

science of Happiness so rather than dealing with psychology and people's

historical traumas or try to fix things that are broken we look at where we are now maybe we're

feeling a bit stagnant um what is it we call it meh we're so brave suffering from meh okay and

positive psychology tries to lift the level of happiness in our lives there's loads of really easy ways of doing that

little tricks of the trade and there's many I can talk about but today one of the things positive psychology really

focuses in on to help us be happier feel better in ourselves have better

well-being is good quality connections with other people

because it needs to be understood we are pack animals we're not Lone Rangers we

need connections with other people whether it's family friends um or or you know organizations groups

communities whatever it is we need that so I thought it'd be nice to talk about that today and connect

over the radio and on our streaming video what if you're what if you're a bit like me and you you know you you

when it gets a bit too people you just withdraw what do we do then that's all

right everybody's different we all have different tolerance levels and you know of people and crowded situations or

conversations um more some people need more connection than others but I think it's safe to say

we all need some connection um one of the things and certainly it's worth talking about now because we did

have a very strange period of time where we became socially very disconnected now

we were very present on social media we believe that's three years ago I don't

know when it was because I lost track of time through a whole thing how did that happen three years

like yeah well it might have been three years ago but I think we're still suffering the leadership absolutely and

I think even now I feel that we're still coming out of it and we're still rekindling connections with each other

um we became very connected online I feel you know a lot of people found communities online they started studying

online and learning online I certainly did a diploma online I met some fantastic people online which is a great

way of connecting with people but me personally I really love the one to one

of the flesh connection where you're out and you can see the person you can look them in the eye you can

um feel their presence and their Vibe not through a screen but you know in in in the flesh so yeah it's a nice one to

talk about I think we need to practice it a little bit more because like I say we we kind of retracted from society a

little bit so um it makes us feel human connection it makes us feel value okay it makes us

feel heard and I think it gives us a sense of belonging I suppose that's what the

science would say yeah no I agree with that I agree with that if you're not being listened to if you don't have

meaningful relationships um I think it basically can lead to

loneliness and loneliness is a funny one it's very difficult to Define loneliness

because you can see somebody surrounded by people in a busy work environment

maybe with a hectic social life maybe they're down the pub surrounded by all their let's call them mates at the

weekend but they can be feeling dreadfully lonely yeah so how do you define that

and I suppose it's about the quality of your connections and that the people that you're hanging out with are

listening to you that they're understanding you and that they are valuing you for who you truly are your

authentic self not that you're pretending to be somebody else just to be liked so it's not as simple as

straightforward as you might imagine um I don't know whether you've heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs do you know

that triangle I can do this I can make a triangle shape on the radio people who are watching videos let's see what

you're doing yeah um so basically he states that you know food water they're

the basics and they are our most required needs yeah because without those we can't survive air water and

food but next in line is human connection and a need for belonging so

imagine that you've got your food you've got your water and you've got oxygen to breathe what's next for our survival get

a dog eat that yeah well that's that's connection exactly you know um animals are so much nicer than people

they definitely listen to you and they understand you right but yeah it's one of those things that we maybe take for

granted the idea of human connection it's so so important and if it's lacking we need to work on it we need to find

ways to increase it and improve it um it gives us Greater Life satisfaction

it enhances our resilience a good human connection and meaningful

connection will give you feelings of self-worth all the good stuff better mental health if you're hanging out with

the wrong people exactly how are you going to be emotionally how are you going to feel yeah well if you're hanging out with the

right people who get you and don't judge you and are kind to you and listen to you you're going to feel a hell of a lot better in yourself aren't you so

therefore our choice of connection and our level of connection is important well if I've if I've felt at all

on a bit of a downer I blame all our friends some of our mutual friends for

going back to England going to America going to Holland and just leaving us behind

because we've got quite a few of those haven't we yeah we have people and one of the reasons a lot of people the expat

Community might go back is because they're missing the mean of meaningful connection with family I think you find

a lot of people need to go back to either be close to their kids or grandparents kids who appear on the

scene because they understand or have started to realize that okay there's great connections out here and we have fun and

we go to the Sunday barbecues and we have our paella together and that's a level of connection that we can enjoy but that deep and meaningful

unconditional connection that you get from family they've had to go home to get that again haven't they yeah so we

can understand why people are scarpling back luckily I'm too young to know anything about having grandkids so that

hasn't hit me yet I say that he's coming I say that my son is 18 this month so it

could happen I know how how did that happen I don't know I don't like you say time just fly well I've ordered my lot

because my daughter's now 34 and uh she you know they come over now and again

but I've ordered them they've got to come over more often yeah well why wouldn't they it's beautiful out here absolutely yeah one of the best spots in

the world but life gets in the way sometimes it does and uh you know actually planning that holiday to get

them out of school when they're allowed hmm um I think they they've sort of bent the rules a little bit as far as taking kids

out of school for a late summer holiday for instance so I think they've um change things a little bit Yeah because

we're in an awful Catch-22 situation aren't we with the airlines when you want to come out off

on Peak should I say yeah yeah I suppose I think it's really important in your situation or for other people living out

here is to use all the wonderful technology available to us the FaceTime

the WhatsApp video all that and just keep in touch with those grandkids and kids as much as you possibly can even if

it's just to stick the device in the corner while you're cooking the dinner and you can pot around and feel the closeness of them there we're very lucky

aren't we to have that technology I think so yeah oh for sure I'm going to be using that quite a bit um I think

this this summer because my daughter won't be flying because yeah she has

another one coming oh fantastic yeah and uh yeah it's all going very

well as well I think due in June so um the doggy Legacy is growing I know

fantastic they're all girls that's that's all right isn't it well I don't know about that they're

like they ain't easy I have one of them and I've got two boys I I tell you what when my two were growing up

um when I've got to I've got Lewis I've got Danielle and uh when they were growing up it was Danielle the one that

the the turn up at my workplace and say have you got a spare 20 quid good honor

my son didn't bother I I just I used to have to say look do you need do you need

anything do you need no I'm all right Dad yeah oh you were lucky I have three and they all want that 20 quid every

last one it's a spare 20 quid that's get all right it's got It's a spare 20 quid

well then my easy answer is no there's no Spirit 20 quid oh yeah so um how are you doing with

regard to your connections these days Dougie because you work really hard right you spend a lot of time in here

and I know there's a lot goes on after the show with regard to editing and

getting it out there and the promotional side of it so are you able to squeeze in hanging out with you really these days

because um well for a start because my best buddies of all gone wherever dessert yeah it's kind of

something I said yeah um but um I mean I I tend to use a lot of the time

my social time is me playing a gig on the beach for instance yeah I'll get all all the people I know to come to that

and we'll have a bit of a party a bit of a do um but it's been like that for ever

since I can remember because I used to work in in nightclubs in the UK and that became my social life as well as as work

um so yeah it's it's a weird one that because I I think I've I still do that I

tend to use my like my my social time is part of my work yeah but

I think you'll probably find as well you're hiding behind the DJ deck you know oh for sure especially when it

comes to Dad Dancing Yeah you know nobody needs to see that no no so I can hide behind the decks yeah it's much

better it's one of those ones where you know it sometimes becomes really easy to Veer away from the deep and meaningful

stuff I as well you know I work in the trade so I've got you know my gigs and it feels like they're really social

events I don't talk to anybody and I don't I don't feel like talking to anybody because I'm in my singing Zone

well this is it when you're when you're zoned in on exciting yeah a crowd of

people you haven't really got time for you don't small talk and people will come to me after a gig and they say God

we'd great time wasn't it a fantastic night out and I'll think what I'm glad you had a

great night I was at work you know but um so that's why I think it's it's kind of important in our situation and in

other people's situations different for you though because you've you've got nothing to hide behind like I have

because you've got a mic yeah and sometimes a guitar yeah and that's it you're kind of right there and I mean I

don't know if I could do that I know I need some sort of the barrier the mic ax is a barrier I have to say it does and I

tend to stay behind it but what I find I need to do is I need to work on my meaningful connections I can't sit back

and wait for people to call me and invite me for lunch and I can't just sit there and wait for somebody else to pick

up the phone if I'm feeling I need connection and this is what I would advise anybody out there who's feeling

somewhat there's this new term isn't there fomo feelings of missing out yeah

fear of missing fear of fear of missing out well you know that's up to you if you want fomo or not really because

that's it that's your feeling that's your here so the way to overcome it is just been it yeah pick up the phone make

the call send the WhatsApp ask somebody for a coffee ask them for lunch say to

somebody I fancy going for a walk I haven't seen you in ages and don't sit there expecting somebody to call you because you know what they went well

chances are chances are they're sitting at home thinking exactly the same thing possibly yeah oh God I wish somebody

called me and nobody invites me anywhere well you know what pick up the phone if they can't they can't and if they can

chances are they can you'll find yourself out and about and having some connections so don't be shy you know if

you're feeling in any way lonely work on it it's your loneliness it's up to you to deal with it yeah absolutely it's the

lunchtime lifestyle lab where we're talking about human connection and the importance of it today

um you know you're saying about picking up the phone and getting together with your friends well my friends messaged me

this weekend uh they've come all the way from Andorra and I said uh I said come on come on

you've got to come out and I said well busy cleaning the Terrace but I actually was I actually was for once you know and

I said um well I'll tell you what I might meet you down so and so uh place it in the afternoon I'll see see how far

I get with this and um so anyway I was I was looking at the time until I probably ain't gonna get

there next thing I know I'll get a message to say um well you'll never guess what's happened

no what um yes well we parked our brand new

motor they added five minutes driven it down from Andorra and um it was taken

from outside of a Seaside bar and never to be seen again or not so far anyway A

motorhome no no no just a brand new car yeah their car was nicked yeah

apparently there's quite a little bit going on oh my goodness well that's why I drive a banger me too they're not

gonna they've never never won anything I've got no it's great no with the cost that's an awful bit of news isn't it but

there we are I mean so and now I ended up meeting them but at the Guardia oh dear and they said

they said to me told you we'd get you out yeah well that wasn't really that wasn't the plan meaning

we were after oh that's awesome connection yeah I was still meaningful

connection and I'm sure you were ever so helpful knight in shining armor down helping them and they will appreciate

that they didn't have to deal with it on their own good man doggy proud of you mate at least I could do yeah but if

you'd put the hose down and not been cleaning the Terrace and gone to meet them like you said could have ended differently they might

still be driving their car you just don't know anyway we won't go down that route we would all we would have been

walking I know right oh gosh oh that's terrible news I'm sorry to hear that I hope that they get it sorted and just

you know get a banger next yeah I don't think that's going to happen I know them too well yeah we were talking about

loneliness and we were saying how loneliness isn't always as obvious as you might imagine right because you see

people with great social lives and busy jobs and um it would appear that they're full of

life and their life and soul of the party so how do you know if somebody's lonely well this is it that that person

could be the life and soul of the party but in actually inside that you know they're extremely lonely it's it's hard

to I mean obviously comes down to the individual but um how do you know I don't suppose it's about you know the

the depth of the connection if it's all very shallow and if it's all very you know low level

um and you're never really touching of anything of great depth or maybe then your meaningful connections aren't

as valuable um that's why I obviously because I'm a walker and I have a walking business I'm

always encouraging people to get out for a walk and talks so there's one way of having a chat with

somebody that's down the pub or you know in work and but there's something really special and valuable about

um putting your boots on and go for a walk with your friend for an hour or an hour and a half whether it's by the sea or whether it's in a forest

it grounds you it helps you connect with yourself it helps you connect with your friend it helps you connect with nature

so you're talking like connection overload and you'll walk away from a walk in nature feeling much more

fulfilled I think um so I'd encourage anybody if they're feeling in any way lonely to either

reach out to a friend send a little message and say I'd love to go for a walk on Sunday morning would you join me or join any number of walking groups

that are out there certainly in this area where we are there's many and I'm sure wherever you are in the world

you'll find a local walking group that suits your Fitness level

um your age group you know you don't need to be daunted nobody's going to drag you up a mountain on your first time round but walking groups are a

great way of meeting people if you're not into walking I mean hit me there must be 10 other ways of meeting

somebody this week whether it's a quiz night whether it's Bridge whether it is

a swimming club you know you name it there's loads of ways yes we maybe need a little bit of courage

but you know nobody else is going to give you the courage you're just going to have to find that dig deep make the call book yourself in and go and do it

what is the worst that can happen you don't enjoy yourself you go home have a cup of tea and sure well I gave

it a go but um don't don't be don't shy away from it because loneliness is

something we can conquer you know it's something we can deal with with a little bit of courage and we have so much

information as well online about things going on in the community do you know what's a great way

if you're wanting to connect with people and have some meaningful connections is

to volunteer and this is in fact in positive psychology suggested by many

people to their clients volunteer for a local charity whether it's a local for

example here Cancer Care Javier they've got two shops and they're always looking for volunteers to come and help in the shops

um or some other local charge that means something to you go and volunteer

um you'll meet people of a a similar elk you know people who are in it to give back and they want some purpose and

meaning in their lives great way of connecting with people and you are valued for doing that and that's what

it's about really in our in our connections is being valued for Who We Are so yeah maybe you have a little Google

online and see local community groups looking for volunteers

um loneliness is one of these ones that in fact if we suffer from it it can cause us health issues did you know

absolutely yeah yeah I mean um we were speaking off air a little bit earlier

about a neighbor of mine who uh has got early dementia signs of dementia and uh

it's I've seen it getting progressively worse um over the past year or two

and um I'm not she's very lonely and that's that's the thing because she lost

her husband a few years back and um sadly um it's it's taking its toll in that in

that way so um I've been trying to encourage her to join a local group yeah

whatever yeah um there's a few local groups but um whether or not she will

um she might need a little extra shove she might need to be brought along and one of the the problems with loneliness

is it it releases it enhances your level of cortisol without getting into the

nitty-gritty sciency stuff and that's a stress hormone and that causes illness

so what we want to do is avoid loneliness obviously for our mental and emotional health but also for our

physical health because too much cortisol is going to trigger all types of bad stuff that we don't want in our

lives so think about whether or not you want to be less lonely for many many

reasons one of which is because you want to avoid illness and yeah um early dementia things like that you

know are triggered by loneliness and then of course the behaviors that come with early dementia are going to

ostracize you a little bit from society and then that in turn creates loneliness it's a real Catch-22 situation

um dementia early dementia that's a tricky one because it changes our personality so the person we were before

and the people we were hanging out with before those relationships will change

um one thing that's really important as well is if you're feeling lonely the first step to overcoming it is talk

about it be open about it whether you need to talk to a friend or maybe you even need

to see a therapist you know if you're feeling that loneliness is becoming something that you're that's inhibiting

you or is being prohibited is that a word prohibited that one prohibited in in

your lifestyle reach out you know go see a therapist you can see one face to face or you can get somebody online and have

a chat about it and somebody who's qualified a therapist will be full of wonderful ideas and suggestions that in

fact you'll probably take a lot more seriously because than coming from a friend because these people are qualified to tell you how to overcome

um loneliness these conversations need to be had we need to learn how to look

after ourselves better we need to understand our worth and how absolutely important we are so I think it's great

that we're here chatting about Ways and Means of feeling better don't you I love it absolutely absolutely we're moving on

to relationships now aren't we yeah well we were talking about you know loneliness and we're talking about the

importance of meaningful relationships and having the right people in your life

and because what I just said you deserve to be happy no you doggy you just you

you deserve to be happy on cloud nine you deserve to feel good about yourself

we were all born worthy you know when we were all born happy and then certain

things happen along the way and it changes our Outlook and how we feel about ourselves you mean we get cynical

about certainly it can be we get cynical it can be although it can be down to an um yeah Mr cynical it can you know where

did that come from did it come from maybe a teacher in your life or maybe put you down did it come from an employer somewhere along the line did it

come from parents did it come from Friends it doesn't really matter where it came from at the end of the day you let it in and you let it affect you and

so it's very important to understand that all of that if you so Choose You

Can Let It Go and you can come back to the fact that you are worth being you

know happy and um living a fulfilled and wonderful life and that's why it's important to choose

the right people to be around it really is because who you hang out with has a

massive effect on how you feel um and I know I'm saying this and I know as I say it it's resonating with some

people out there who are maybe are in the wrong relationships that doesn't necessarily have to be a

partnership or a marriage it can be a friendship it can be a work relationship and it could be that you're hanging in

there for the wrong reasons how do we know you know there's this term bandied around quite a lot

um toxic relationships you know it's quite heavy isn't it a toxic relationship but it's true it's

it's something that you um consume that is doing your damage so whether it's alcohol or cigarettes or

the wrong types of food or relationship that isn't healthy it's not doing you any good how do you know if you're in a

toxic relationship how do you know if you're hanging out with the right friends so I would suggest you kind of

try to become in tune with for example how you feel if you see that person

are you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside you know when you have to go meet that person for a coffee or for a walk or for a drink or in fact are you

feeling somewhat apprehensive are you feeling or I'd rather not does that person give you loads of

support are they agreeable do they um understand your vulnerabilities and do they admire you

for who you are your quirks and all or does that person

um undermine you do they criticize you and even not obviously are they doing it

in a kind of a subliminal kind of gaslighty way yeah you know I know I'm using a lot of big terms here but you

know yourself if you're getting a warm and fuzzy feeling with people when you have them warm and fuzzy is good go warm

and fuzzy or if you're just feeling a bit off um what if I say your Vibe attracts your

tribe exactly and if you're in the wrong tribe get out of it find a new tribe

um the walk your way well community that I've created online one of the reasons I did that was because I think where we

hang out online is really important and if you're hanging out in the wrong place

online if you're reading the wrong content if you're absorbing

negative content it's going to have a big effect on you so I created this little walk your way well happy go lucky

everybody's upbeat type environment we don't always feel like that but if we're practicing positivity a lot online so my

you know the tribe the vibe is great and walk your way well so yeah you deserve to be happy and you deserve to have

control over the people that you have in your life if they're not serving you if

they're damaging you and if they're not treating you how you should be treated and that is as a valuable worthy person

then you need to consider whether or not you want to continue that relationship get shot get shot get them out they're

easier said than done I know but just very quickly yeah I just I had a thought it doesn't happen enough if that makes

me nervous um I mean today has all been been about human connection right

but what about this whole metaverse thing that they're trying to uh Force upon us

this whole thing where we live in a simulation some say we already are but

there's these groups of people now that are socializing

without that human contact they're doing it all virtually with all this kit

I mean is that I would I worry and yeah it is a worry and I would argue that there is a lot of value with having

online connections like I said I did do my recent diploma online okay and I'm at

a great community of people and I made real connections with people who mean a lot to me now having said all of that

when I visited them and met them in the flesh there is nothing that can replace

those Goose Bumps when you meet somebody face to face so they can try their very

best with your metaverse places but I don't think they'll ever be able

to replace that Sensation that that but what if we forget what that sensation is

that what if we lose it what you were saying earlier use it or lose it well I'm not going to lose it

I'm going to maintain it and and certainly you know I work very hard to ensure that my kids maintain healthy

relationships that they actually go out to play that they put their phones down that they come on walks with me that we

talk so you know we've got to work at it like with everything in life nothing's easy so just you know be aware awareness

is huge right awareness is very important so be aware don't be dumb and work at it because yeah okay you're you

often talk about this meta verse judge it makes you nervous well that's good because that'll make you you know red

flag red flags yeah so that's what we need to do have these conversations that we can be more aware a horrible feeling

though we we sort of We're not gonna have a choice in the coming I mean probably I'll be long gone will be long

gone but um you know later down the line I mean I've got to think I've got a feeling it's it's coming whether we want

it or not yeah along with AI and whatever anyway that that is pretty much a wrap for our lab today now if anybody

wants to join you for one of your walks what do we need to do get online she says yeah no go find walk your way well

on Facebook drop me a line come and connect connect with me in nature

connect with new people people with you know like-minded desires who want to

connect with nature come and join us on a walk um and I'm actually organizing some

Global events I've got a trip to Morocco lined up if anybody would like to climb

tub cars in the Atlas Mountains so it doesn't matter where in the world you are you can still come and walk with us

um we've got a trip coming up here in Spain if you'd like to come from anywhere else you can join me drop me a line let me know how we can connect and

keep it meaningful guys remember your worth remember you deserve kindness and

kind people in your lives go find them and ditch the toxins using the toxic

ones nice thank you very much as always Neve and we'll see you this time next week then cheerio