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A long dreaded question in a relationship: Should you forgive a cheater? Or even better: Can you forgive a cheater? If your partner cheated on you but you'd like to try to forgive them, should you even do so? Where do you start with trying to overcome that hurt?
Well, it's a process that will take time, but it is one that's possible. You CAN forgive a cheating partner by following the steps we'll talk about in this video. So make sure you watch all the way to the end to get all the necessary tools and tips to save your relationship.
Of course, you may need to talk to someone to get your thoughts and feelings out. It can help you to process everything more quickly and easily. Speak to an experienced relationship expert to get the personal advice you need to deal with your situation. Click this link to chat now: https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/RH-forgive-cheater
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0:00
Your partner cheated on you and it feels awful, but somehow in your heart of hearts you want to forgive them
0:06
The big question is how? How do you forgive a cheater? How do you move on from their past infidelity and save your relationship
0:13
Hi, I'm Jessica from a conscious rethink and in this video we will look at all the things you'll have to think about and do in order to finally forgive your partner
0:22
Commit to forgiving them. You have decided to forgive them and you can strengthen this commitment by communicating this decision with your partner
0:30
but you don't have to actually say what you forgive them just yet. Right now, you're in the early stage of a process that won't happen overnight
0:37
Instead, you can say something like, I have decided to forgive you, but you have to understand that this will take time for me to get to that point emotionally
0:45
By saying this, you are beginning the process that will eventually end in forgiveness
0:50
Accept that forgiveness is the only way to save the relationship. If you are serious about making your relationship work
0:56
you'll have to reach at a point where you accept that forgiveness is an essential part
0:59
of that. If you can't reach a point where the ill feeling you have towards your partner is
1:04
reduced almost to nothing, the relationship has no future. There is no other way. While you
1:09
still feel anger and resentment, you will not be able to treat them in the way a partner deserves
1:14
to be treated. Spend some time apart if possible. If the affairs only just come to light, your
1:20
feelings are still raw and intense. These feelings have the potential to cause a great deal of
1:24
tension and conflict between you and your partner. This is why it's a good idea to spend some
1:29
time completely apart from one another to let those negative feelings reduce in intensity
1:34
Assuming you live together, see if one of you is somewhere else they might be able to stay
1:38
for a little while, a friend's house or with parents, for example. You might find it easier
1:43
if it is you who stay somewhere else because you will be with someone to support you rather than being
1:47
alone in your own home. It's important to note that it doesn't mean you're on a break. You are still
1:52
in a relationship at this point and should not behave as if you're a single. Seek to understand
1:57
their infidelity. Why did they cheat? It's a question you've probably asked yourself
2:02
but it deserves some further consideration. Was it a drunken kiss or a one-night stand when their
2:07
inhibitions were low? Or was it an affair with a colleague who they had gotten close to after
2:11
working on a big project that required trips away together? Did they develop feelings for someone
2:16
or was it just physical? What state was your relationship in before the cheating happened
2:21
Was their conflict? Had you drifted apart? Did the physical intimacy you show each other disappear
2:26
It very important to keep in mind that this exercise is not meant to justify or condone the act of cheating It is simply meant to help you emphasise with your partner and to understand how they could have reached a point where cheating became possible See your partner as a flawed human
2:43
being. Nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws and shortcomings. This isn't mean that we aren't
2:48
all capable of cheating, but we all do have aspects of ourselves that are less than desirable
2:53
Reminding yourself that your partner is a human being with all the flaws and failings that come
2:57
with it can help you to understand how they could have done what they did. Accepting them as a
3:02
doesn't justify the act of cheating and nor does it diminish the hurt you feel
3:06
It's simply a part of the process that is designed to reduce the intensity of the ill feelings
3:11
you have towards them and allow empathy to develop. Remember your partner's good qualities
3:17
You fell in love with them for a reason, many reasons, no doubt. It might be hard to remember what those reasons were right now, but if you can try to think
3:25
about them, it will aid the process of forgiveness. Again, it comes down to easing the negativity you might feel towards them at this moment in time
3:32
By reflecting on their more positive qualities, you will be able to give yourself greater reason to pursue the path for forgiveness and determination and patience, even when you hit bumps in the road
3:42
Perhaps they were caring, understanding and make you feel good about yourself in general
3:47
Maybe they are generous and confident and share lots of the same values as you do
3:51
Whatever it was that first attracted you to them, think about it. See forgiveness as a gift to yourself
3:57
Your partners in fidelity may have hurt them in some ways, but it's hurt you a whole lot more
4:02
And whilst forgiveness is generally viewed as something you grant to someone who has hurt you
4:06
it's actually a gift to yourself. It's a way of dispelling the emotional pain and turmoil that you feel
4:12
Forgiveness is a way to express the power you hold to heal yourself. When you realise that forgiveness is more for you than it is for them
4:19
it becomes a process that you are much more invested in. Try not to retaliate
4:23
It may sound strange given how horrible the act of cheating is, but you should not try to make them pay for what they have done
4:30
Retribution does not aid forgiveness. stands in its way. You may think that it will make you feel better, but all it does is to keep
4:36
that ill feeling you have towards them fresh in your mind. It will actually prolong your suffering
4:41
It will also push them away from you and put your relationship on even rockier grounds than it might
4:46
already be. You should also not hold their infidelity against them forever. You can't bring it up
4:52
later down the line as it means to punish them if they have upset you or use it to justify an act
4:57
of cruelty against them. If you do, you are just reopening the wound that you are trying to heal
5:02
Be mindful of triggers. Even as the hurt you feel now begins to reduce it can still be reignited by certain things These triggers can be anything that reminds you of their betrayal The other person name is a big one that should be avoided Or perhaps it might be places that you know they went with their affair partners
5:20
It may be something as simple as the bed linen that you need to replace because the physical side of the affair happened in your bed
5:27
Whatever it is, try to avoid it altogether or for as long as possible
5:32
Notice the improvement in your feelings. As time passes and your pain and anger begin to fade
5:37
try to notice this and be mindful of it. you feel positive emotions towards your partner. See it as a progress that you are making
5:44
This shift in feelings from negative to positive is further evidence that forgiveness is the only
5:48
path forward. It shows that forgiveness is not only possible but it is the only way for your
5:53
relationship to continue and for the happiness you share to return. This provides ongoing
5:58
motivation to work hard on things as a couple, knowing that the work pays off
6:04
Address any underlining issues in the relationship. Chuting is much more likely in a relationship that has
6:09
unresolved problems. So look at your relationship and ask what things need to be
6:13
improved. Then put a plan in place and work on those things. A more harmonious
6:19
relationship going forward will speed up the process of forgiveness and allow your trust in them to build again. Identifying and working on issues in a relationship
6:26
is not easy. It is generally best to seek advice of a relationship counsellor. If this
6:31
is something you think is right for you, see the link in the description below to our recommended counselling service. Know that communication is key
6:39
You will no doubt have had conversations about your partner's cheating, but this will be the first of many
6:45
Give communication about how you are feeling, how they are feeling, and what you can both do to help smooth the transition to a better relationship is vital
6:53
These talks will not always be easy and conflict is not only possible but probable
6:58
But being open with each other is a must. You cannot get through this and fully forgive them for their actions unless you share this with each other
7:06
Again, a relationship counselling service is something you should seriously consider. in order to improve your communication
7:11
Do nice things for your partner. It may sound counterintuitive to reward your partner's infidelity with kind gestures
7:19
but it can help you to forgive them. When you do nice things for them, you remind yourself of the love that you felt
7:25
and you hopefully still feel towards them. Love is expressed in things you do and say
7:29
and by demonstrating your love, you can overpower the negative things you feel towards them
7:34
and the whole situation. It's a small part of process, but not one that you should
7:38
but not one that you should overlook. Date your partner again. After cheating has taken place in a relationship
7:45
it can help to return to where it all began When you first met your partner you probably dated them for a while before things got serious And to aid that fresh start for your relationship you should go and date with them again now Dating is intimate Dating is fun Dating is a chance to rediscover each other
8:02
Dating can revitalise the feelings you have for each other, feelings that may have waned over the
8:06
course of years or more. Rerun some of the first dates. Eat at the same restaurants, go to the same
8:12
places, do the same things. This will reawaken those old memories and you can
8:16
and bond with each other over the nostalgia you feel. Don't rush yourself
8:21
You can't forgive a cheater overnight. It will take time for you to process all of the emotions you will feel
8:26
So be patient with yourself and be realistic about how long you might feel hurt by them
8:31
When you are struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it can be tempting to give up and say that it's not working
8:37
You can quickly convince yourself that you'll never be able to forgive them for what they have done
8:41
And this may be true, but until you have given it every opportunity and made every effort
8:46
you can't say this is for sure. So don't rush into a decision to end the relationship if you
8:51
really do want it to work. Stay patient, keep trying and see how you feel in time. Forgive yourself
8:58
As your partner's cheating came to light and in the immediate aftermath, you probably fought a lot
9:02
of horrible things about them and possibly about yourself. You probably felt anger and hatred and
9:07
disgust. You may have also said and done some things that you are not proud of. It is essential
9:12
that you forgive yourself with these thoughts, feelings and actions. You were and still are in a lot of
9:17
emotional pain. It's understandable that you may have thought these things and acted in ways that you
9:22
wouldn't do otherwise. You can choose to hold on to these regrets or you can choose to forgive yourself
9:27
as part of the process of forgiving your partner. Forgiving someone doesn't mean forgetting what
9:32
they have done. No matter how much time passes, you are bound to have the occasional thoughts about
9:37
the infidelity. You won't necessarily direct your thoughts to it, but memories have a way of popping up to the
9:42
surface of our consciousness from time to time. These memories might even be accompanied by
9:46
their related feelings. The key thing to remember is that forgiveness is more about how you
9:51
proactively think, feel and act going forwards and not so much about the intrusive thoughts or
9:56
feelings that may arise. That's all from me today. I hope you found this video insightful and
10:01
helpful. If you want to share your thoughts, please leave a comment I'd love to hear from you
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And don't forget to like the video, subscribe to our channel and hit that bell button to get
10:10
notifications of our latest content. Bye
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