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Intimacy and How To Get More of It
Sep 4, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! In this episode, we sit down with Kelly O’horo to explore the topic of intimacy, what it really means, why it matters, and practical ways to cultivate more of it in your relationships. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
View Video Transcript
0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thanks so much for tuning in
0:14
to Adaptable today. My name is Kelly
0:16
O'Horo and I am your host and I created
0:20
this podcast in general to help people
0:22
understand more about how we behave and
0:25
why we behave and using my years as a
0:28
trauma therapist and many many many
0:30
hours uh of patients on the couch. I've
0:33
learned a lot and so hopefully I can
0:35
bring some insights to you and help you
0:38
understand your relationships and how
0:39
you interact and why people behave the
0:41
way they do a little bit better. And so
0:43
today, what we're going to talk about is
0:45
the concept of intimacy. And I hear
0:48
people talking about being lonely, being
0:50
disconnected, not knowing how to gain
0:53
the attention of their friends, family,
0:55
children, parents so often. And I think
0:58
in this day and age with our technology
1:01
and our phones and our compulsions to be
1:03
constantly distracted by something and
1:05
our terrible intolerance of being bored
1:08
and wanting things happening quickly
1:11
with our answers and our information, we
1:13
just are really disconnected from one
1:15
another more so than any other time in
1:18
our history. And so today I want to talk
1:21
about intimacy because with connection
1:23
comes the reduction of anxiety, comes
1:25
the reduction of depression, comes
1:28
feelings of belonging and um allowing us
1:31
to you know be in authentic
1:33
relationships. And so this topic today
1:36
about intimacy is really at the core of
1:39
every meaningful relationship. It's not
1:41
just physical closeness. Intimacy is,
1:45
you know, into me you see is my little
1:47
catchphrase that I use with my clients.
1:49
But because it's not just the physical
1:51
closeness, it's the emotional closeness.
1:53
It's the kind that makes us feel seen,
1:56
safe, and deeply connected to one
1:58
another. And so that phrase I think
2:01
captures it so well is intimacy. Into me
2:04
you see. And when we don't allow others
2:06
to see us, we cannot be fully connected.
2:09
And that requires risk. it's vulnerable
2:11
to allow our walls to come down and to
2:14
allow people to be with us in our
2:16
emotional experience. And so, we're
2:18
going to talk about what intimacy really
2:20
is and how we build it and why it can
2:23
feel so scary and vulnerable. Uh, and
2:25
we're going to talk about emotional
2:27
safety, curiosity, compromise, and how
2:30
to create space for our true connection
2:32
so that we can be in relationship that's
2:34
authentic and real. And this is not just
2:36
romantic relationships. This is
2:38
friendships uh relationships with
2:40
ourselves you know how much of our true
2:42
self do we show ourself and and this is
2:44
in friendships this is in family
2:46
relationships in sibling relationships
2:48
this is even with our children and and
2:50
with our parents and so let's break it
2:53
down intimacy what is it really um we're
2:56
going to redefine this at its core
2:59
intimacy is about being known it's the
3:02
experience of being seen heard and not
3:05
just se seen and heard but accepted for
3:07
who we truly are. And it's not just
3:09
about closeness. It's about the
3:11
emotional safety or the perspective of
3:13
emotional safety that we have in
3:15
relationship. When we feel emotionally
3:18
safe, we can be vulnerable. And when
3:20
we're vulnerable, we can connect. But
3:22
for many of us, especially those of us
3:25
with trauma histories, vulnerability can
3:28
feel so dangerous. And we might have
3:30
learned that being open leads to
3:32
rejection or abandonment or even harm.
3:35
And so, we protect ourselves. We armor
3:37
up. We wall up. We shut people out and
3:39
we shut down. Sometimes we get lost in
3:42
just performing or hiding. But the truth
3:45
is intimacy doesn't require perfection.
3:47
It just requires presence. It's being in
3:50
your body, present with somebody else,
3:53
and being able to tolerate what comes
3:55
up. It requires a willingness to be seen
3:58
even when we're feeling messy or unsure
4:00
or when we have shame or when we've made
4:02
mistakes.
4:04
That's what it takes to be in good close
4:06
relationships and to have true intimacy.
4:09
So this phrase intimate, you see, I love
4:12
because it really just grounds the word
4:14
intimacy. And it's more than just a
4:16
clever play on words. It's kind of a
4:17
road map. It reminds us that intimacy is
4:21
about allowing someone to witness our
4:23
inner world. And that kind of openness
4:25
requires trust. And trust isn't built
4:28
overnight. It's built in small moments
4:30
over time when someone listens without
4:33
fixing, without judging, when they hold
4:35
space without needing to do something
4:37
with it. And and also, it's about
4:39
consistency. You know, if you call them
4:41
and you say, "Can I talk?" It's it's
4:43
someone who's willing to be there for
4:45
you. So, if you've ever struggled with
4:47
intimacy, you're certainly not alone.
4:49
Many of us have parts of us that fear
4:51
being seen fully. Parts that say, you
4:54
know, if they really knew me, they'd
4:56
leave or they wouldn't like what they
4:57
found. But healing happens when we begin
5:00
to challenge that belief and when we let
5:02
someone in and discover that we're still
5:04
loved even when we're not just right. So
5:08
something you might want to ask yourself
5:09
is what helps me to feel safe enough to
5:12
be vulnerable and how can I offer that
5:14
same safety to somebody else? Because
5:16
we're not just wanting intimacy for
5:18
ourselves. We want to be able to provide
5:21
that intimacy and connection to other
5:23
people that we're in relationship with
5:24
so that we're not in a lopsided
5:26
relationship that we give and we
5:28
receive. We share and we hear. And so
5:31
building connection takes effort. It
5:34
takes consistency. But it takes
5:37
curiosity. And so one of the most
5:40
important and underrated tools for
5:42
building intimacy is curiosity. When we
5:44
are genuinely curious about how someone
5:47
sees the world, what they're going
5:49
through, how they're adapting to it, we
5:52
can create space for that connection.
5:54
And a lot of times curiosity is not as
5:57
hard as we might make it. It it can
5:59
sound like, you know, what was that like
6:01
for you? Or help me understand what you
6:03
were feeling. What does it mean to you
6:05
when you say that? It's not about
6:07
agreeing with someone. It's not about
6:09
solving a problem for someone. It's not
6:12
about comparing it against what you
6:14
would do. It's just about understanding
6:16
that everybody is different and they're
6:18
going to respond to things in their life
6:19
in in in a different way. And so and
6:22
when we feel understood, we feel safe
6:24
and we can then feel close. So in
6:26
relationships, curiosity is the antidote
6:28
to assumption. It invites us to slow
6:31
down, to listen, to ask, and to see our
6:34
partner or our friends or our family or
6:37
our colleagues not as a reflection of
6:39
our own fears, but as a whole person
6:42
with their very own story. So, the next
6:44
time that you feel disconnected, I want
6:46
you to try this. You're going to pause
6:48
and take a breath and ask a curious
6:50
question. And you might be surprised
6:53
what opens up for you. So the next thing
6:55
that we're going to talk about is uh
6:57
contracting compromise and emotional
7:00
safety. So a lot of times we know what
7:03
we need but we don't express it or we're
7:05
not willing to do what we need to do to
7:08
create safety in relationship. And so
7:10
contracting isn't a legal agreement.
7:12
It's about an emotional agreement. It's
7:14
unspoken or even spoken understanding
7:17
that we create to help each other feel
7:19
safe in relationships. So maybe some
7:22
examples would be like, you know, hey,
7:23
when we argue, let's agree not to raise
7:25
our voices or let's agree not to cuss
7:28
each other out or name call or if you
7:29
need space, let's just let me know
7:32
instead of just disappearing and not
7:34
responding. Let's check in every Sunday
7:36
and just see how we're doing. Even if
7:37
it's five or 10 minutes if you don't
7:39
have a lot of space, but let's make a
7:41
rule to just kind of be in touch so we
7:42
understand how we are in the world.
7:45
These contracts can create a little bit
7:47
of structure and some safety around
7:49
expectations and they can say I care
7:51
about how you feel. I want to protect
7:53
our connection. I want to protect our
7:55
relationship. Uh and compromise is part
7:58
of this. Not the kind where you abandon
8:00
yourself, but the kind where you say,
8:02
you know, your needs matter to me and
8:04
I'm willing to meet you halfway. And I
8:07
think that with buzz around boundaries
8:09
and around codependency and around
8:12
taking care of ourselves first, a lot of
8:14
people are really taking that to mean
8:16
something that it doesn't. And that's
8:18
lacking in consideration for our
8:20
behavior and our experiences and how our
8:22
behavior and experiences impact those we
8:24
care about. And so, you know, this
8:27
compromise is like saying, you know, I
8:29
really need space, but you get anxious
8:32
when I take space. And so I I want to
8:34
let you know that I just need to take
8:36
some room. I need some introverting
8:37
time. And I just want you to know that
8:39
we're okay and it's not about you. And
8:41
these are things that we think about in
8:43
compromise where we're meeting halfway.
8:46
Healthy intimacy isn't about getting
8:47
everything you want. It's about creating
8:49
a relationship where both people feel
8:52
seen and respected and safe and we talk
8:55
about what it is that we need to be in
8:57
relationship and to be in connection so
8:59
that we don't lose that connection. and
9:00
we don't lose that safety and we don't
9:02
lose trust in one another and and what
9:04
we need from one another. So, it takes
9:07
work. Intimacy requires, you know,
9:10
intention and thought and it's a
9:13
practice. It's and it and it takes a
9:15
daily practice. It it's not a
9:16
destination. It's a practice. It's built
9:19
in small everyday moments. It can be
9:21
things like a thoughtful question, a
9:24
gentle repair after conflict, a shared
9:26
laugh, an eye movement or an eye moment
9:28
of of like connection in a group. A lot
9:31
of people share little memes with one
9:33
another nowadays where they'll see
9:34
something on social media and they'll
9:36
share it directly with someone else.
9:37
Those are moments of saying, "I I'm
9:39
thinking of you. I see you and I'm
9:40
thinking of you." A quiet moment of
9:42
presence is also really helpful often
9:45
times, even if there's not much going
9:47
on, but just being in the same place
9:48
with one another. So if you want more
9:51
intimacy in your life, you have to start
9:53
by showing up with curiosity and
9:54
compassion. You have to start by asking
9:56
what helps me feel safe and then how can
9:59
I offer that to somebody else? And you
10:02
want to remember that you don't have to
10:03
be perfect to be loved. You just have to
10:05
be willing to be real. And you have to
10:08
be willing to work in connection and
10:10
compromise because everybody's needs for
10:12
safety and trust are different. And so
10:15
we have to be willing to be open to
10:18
learning about what someone else might
10:19
need. I did this show specifically
10:22
because like I said, I hear so many
10:24
people talking about how disconnected
10:26
they feel. And it's a simple concept,
10:28
but it's not an easy behavior to get
10:31
practiced with with all of the
10:33
distractions that we have. And you know,
10:35
we've become human doings instead of
10:37
human beings. And we're not slowing down
10:39
enough to really be in present
10:41
connection often enough. And so we want
10:44
to make sure that you know that there
10:46
are ways to do this. Intimacy is about
10:48
being seen, allowing others to be seen,
10:51
too. It's about creating space for truth
10:54
and tenderness and trust, compassion and
10:56
connection. So, I hope that you found
10:59
this helpful and inspired you to make a
11:01
few changes in some of your
11:02
relationships. If there has been uh some
11:05
disconnection or you've felt like some
11:08
of the um tightness in your experience
11:10
has fallen by the wayside, life gets
11:12
lifing and we end up overwhelmed and it
11:14
happens to all of us. So hopefully you
11:16
can grab a few nuggets from this show
11:18
and reconnect with people in your life
11:20
that matter to you. So I hope that you
11:23
found it helpful. I thank you so much
11:24
for tuning in. And again, if you find
11:27
this helpful or something someone could
11:29
benefit from, please share it directly
11:30
with them or comment and give us some
11:33
feedback as to what we might want to
11:34
improve. And subscribe and give us ideas
11:37
about shows that you would find
11:38
interesting to hear about. So, thank you
11:41
again so much for tuning in today. I
11:43
appreciate your time. And until we meet
11:45
again, don't forget to leave with love.
11:47
It'll never steer you wrong.
11:49
[Music]
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