0:00
We can't be in love with self or others
0:03
without the risk of grief. And it's a
0:05
reflection of what mattered. It tells us
0:07
that something was important to us and
0:09
we don't have it anymore. And the truth
0:11
is that grief doesn't follow a script.
0:14
You know there's some popular um stages
0:16
of grief like you know the five stages
0:18
of grief model and it can be helpful
0:21
because it can normalize grief and it
0:23
can it can say you know we all will fit
0:25
into different parts of this at
0:27
different times. But it was never, you
0:29
know, meant to be prescriptive. It was
0:31
never meant to be like a
0:32
one-sizefits-all and if you're grieving,
0:34
then you're in this or this stage.
0:35
That's not really how it works because
0:37
people don't move through stages in
0:39
order because of the histories like I
0:41
talked about or their different
0:42
emotional resilience or their support
0:44
systems. And some people skip different
0:47
stages of grief entirely. I was once
0:50
working with a patient and he had a wife
0:53
that was sick and um you know he started
0:56
grieving her well before she passed away
1:00
and you know I remember him saying to me
1:02
I don't understand why I'm not falling
1:04
apart and I said you've been dealing
1:07
with losing her for long time because
1:10
she you know her her death was eminent
1:13
and he thought something was wrong with
1:14
him that he wasn't you know a huge mess
1:16
and I said you've been dealing with this
1:18
little by little for quite some time.
1:20
And so that helped him to better
1:22
understand what was going on for him.
1:25
And other people revisit different
1:26
stages over and over depending on what
1:29
happens. I can think of an example of
1:31
somebody that I know who who lost a
1:33
parent when she was really young. And so
1:35
at different stages of her children's
1:36
development, things would be activated
1:38
because she would then be reminded of
1:40
what she went through at the same age.
1:42
And when we have this mirror of our
1:44
offspring that says, "Oh my gosh, this
1:46
is what life should look like if we
1:48
didn't go through this really hard thing
1:50
and then we were not able to have had it
1:52
that way, it's a big huge glaring
1:54
reminder of what didn't get to happen."
1:56
And so then it can kick up in us like,
1:58
"Oh, there's this whole thing I haven't
1:59
even revisited or or seen related to my
2:02
own grief." And so if you're going
2:04
through something, you need to be
2:06
thinking about the fact that grief is
2:07
not a straight line. It's more of a
2:09
spiral or a wave or a loop. and it
2:11
doesn't really match for anybody else.
2:14
We can't compare why are why is this
2:15
person, you know, responding to this in
2:18
a different way than I would. And
2:19
there's physical reasons for the way we
2:22
feel with grief. When we think about the
2:24
brain, there's a a grief and panic
2:26
circuit and there's a separation,
2:29
distress in the system. The brain lights
2:31
up and it shows us that there's
2:35
physiological difference in our bodies
2:37
and brains when we are activated by that
2:40
dis disconnection. It's panic. And so
2:43
we're going to talk deeper about the
2:45
brain. Neuroscientist Yak Panks up he
2:48
identified what we call the panic or
2:50
grief system. And basically it's
2:53
hardwired. It's the emotional circuit in
2:55
our mamlian brain that activates when we
2:58
experience separation from someone that
3:00
we're bonded to. And this system is
3:02
responsible for distress cries in
3:04
infants and that ache of heartbreak,
3:07
that deep yearning for someone and that
3:09
anguish we feel after their loss. And so
3:11
when this system is activated, we can
3:14
feel panic, we can feel protest, we can
3:17
eventually feel despair. And it's not
3:19
just emotional. So if you're judging
3:21
yourself for acting a certain way or
3:23
feeling a certain way for too long, this
3:26
is a neurological function. This is not
3:28
a decision. This is a biological aspect
3:30
of being a human. And understanding this
3:33
can help us to see that grief isn't
3:35
weakness. It's biology. It's love trying
3:38
to find its way home. It's it's us
3:40
trying to sort the empty space that
3:42
lives in our hearts. And what do we do
3:44
with that empty space in a loss of
3:46
someone or something that was so deeply
