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Forgiveness
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Jul 17, 2025
Welcome to Adaptable | Behavior Explained! This episode goes over the power of forgiveness with Kelly O’Horo, exploring what forgiveness really means, how it impacts your healing, and why it’s more about setting yourself free than excusing the hurt. I'm Kelly O'Horo, Attachment based EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Consultant, and Advanced Trainer. I'm a mom of 5, Nonna of 5, wife, and a healer. I have the honor of spending my workdays walking along side people while they brave their healing journeys. I try to live with the generous assumption that we're all doing the best we can with what we know. Therapists are teachers for the "life stuff" and "emotional vocabulary" that may not have been learned due to gaps in our care givers capabilities. In the last 15 years I've learned that people are freaking amazing, resilient, and inspiring. Most importantly, we are hardwired for connection and for healing! I hope to bring an authentic, compassionate, and unpolished approach while we explore a variety of topics such as parenting, marriage, relationships, dating, trauma, attachment, adoption, depression, addiction, anxiety, and love! There's a why for all behaviors and an explanation that makes perfect sense as emotion is at the root of it all. -- Links -- https://linktr.ee/kellyohorolpc https://youtu.be/rLnARKekvgo https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
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0:06
Hi everyone, I'm Kelly O'Horo and this
0:09
is Adaptable Behavior Explained. Hi
0:12
everybody. Thank you so much for tuning
0:14
in today to Adaptable Behavior
0:16
Explained. I'm your host, Kelly O'Horo.
0:19
I'm an EMDR therapist and I started this
0:22
show because I'm so passionate about
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helping people understand why people
0:26
behave the way that they do. especially
0:28
when you see behaviors that don't seem
0:31
to make sense. Uh today we're going to
0:33
dive into a topic that I think would
0:35
help most people and you can kind of
0:37
think about it from your perspective.
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You've probably been in a situation
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where someone has done something harmful
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or wrong to you that caused you a lot of
0:46
hurt or betrayal or pain. And so today
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we're going to talk about forgiveness.
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And forgiveness is something that a lot
0:54
of us uh struggle with. We think that is
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something that can happen over time or
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we think that something um that must be
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first earned before we can give that or
1:04
before we can allow for forgiveness. But
1:06
forgiveness is a decision. It takes a
1:10
lot of hard work. And I think that a
1:13
misnomer about forgiveness is that if if
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you think that you have to agree with
1:18
what happened or what somebody did to
1:20
harm you or or what was done to you,
1:22
that's the only way that you can get to
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forgiveness. But that's not what
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forgiveness means. We It means that
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we're choosing to let ourselves off the
1:30
hook. We're choosing to allow for future
1:33
peace, acceptance, and letting go. So to
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do this, to have forgiveness for
1:39
somebody, we have to let the other
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person who harmed us off the hook first.
1:44
I remember when I was early in my
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counseling years, I saw this graphic and
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I used to teach this to clients where it
1:50
was a picture of this fish hook and I
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would show them and I would say, you
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know, you staying in unforgiveness is
1:56
really only harming you. And the bad
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part about forgiveness is in order to
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get yourself off the hook, you have to
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let the person off before you so that
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you can get off as well. So, if you've
2:07
ever struggled with letting go of past
2:09
hurts, I hope that this episode will
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help you. Uh, and if you know somebody
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else that's struggling with betrayal or
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behavior that has happened to them that
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has been harmful or hurtful, then you
2:19
know definitely forward this along
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because the truth is is when we are
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stuck in unforgiveness, we're really
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like taking poison and waiting for
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someone else to die. We are swallowing
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resentment. It turns into potentially
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long-term anger and there's all sorts of
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other negative consequences of of being
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in unforgiveness. So let's start with
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the basics about this topic. Forgiveness
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is conscious. It's deliberate. It's a
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decision. And the decision is to release
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feelings of resentment, feelings of
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vengeance, feelings of, you know, um,
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stonewalling, of keeping people at bay
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because of the thing that they've done
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to you. It might be towards one person.
2:59
It could be towards a whole group that
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has harmed you. But regardless of
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whether they actually deserve your
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forgiveness, this is the best gift you
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can give yourself. And I see clients, in
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fact, I had someone this week that was
3:11
like, I've already forgiven them. And
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when I start to dig in with EMDR therapy
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and I start to see those um unravelings
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or peeling back the layers of our, you
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know, so-called onion, what I find is
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people have often decided that they
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forgive somebody, but their body has not
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followed suit. So, it's important to
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understand that forgiveness isn't about
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forgetting. Uh it's not about excusing
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the harm that has been done to you. It's
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about letting go of the emotional
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burden, your burden that you're
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carrying. It's the backpack of your
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luggage based on the things that someone
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did to you that shouldn't have happened.
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And it's about finding your own peace so
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that you can live in a more free way.
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Think about it like this. If you hold on
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to unforgiveness, it's like being stuck
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on that fish hook. The more you
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struggle, the more it hurts. The more
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you hold on, the more you're wounded.
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And forgiveness is this beautiful act of
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self-love that is about removing
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yourself from that hook. It's about
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freeing yourself from the pain. So we
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have to decide, are we stuck in
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unforgiveness? And there's this is hard
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work. You're going to have to look at
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yourself. You're going to have to
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decide, is this an area that I want to
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lean into? Because it's hard. It's a lot
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easier to just stay stuck, be full of
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resentment, be angry, lash out, project
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at other people, you know, guard
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yourself up for, you know, for fear of
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having someone harm you again. So, you
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have to decide, am I going to do this?
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It's a decision. And like I said, it's
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not easy. And this doesn't happen
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overnight. It requires a lot of
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intentionality. It requires daily
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effort. It requires a lot of really uh
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deep soulsearching insight. And you
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know, you you might be thinking about
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like things that have happened to you
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and wonder, why should I forgive this
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person? You know, they they hurt me.
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They are the one that did wrong. Why do
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I have to do the work? They don't
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deserve it. And that's true. They
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probably don't deserve it. But who is
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suffering? It It's kind of like when
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someone cuts you off in traffic and you
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scream at them in your own car and they
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don't hear you. They don't know that
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you're hurt or angry or scared.
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Everybody in your car does. They feel
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jumpy. They know that you're upset about
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something, but the other person that
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harmed you, they're not the ones that
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are that are experiencing the backlash.
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And that's all in your nervous system.
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That's all in your body. So, the truth
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about it is forgiveness isn't for them.
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It's for you. It's about freeing
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yourself from that like the emotional
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chains that keep you tied to the past,
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not to now. It prevents you from living
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your most full meaningful life. Um, and
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forgiveness doesn't mean that you
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condone or agree with what was done to
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you. It just means that you're choosing
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intentionally to let go of the anger
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that binds you, the resentment that
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holds you back, and realizing that as
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soon as you do that truly with your
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whole body and not just with this um
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with the head part of you, then you
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actually get off the hook, too. You get
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to free yourself from being stuck in
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that pain. So now we're going to talk
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about this concept of letting oursel off
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the hook. It requires the other person
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is let off the hook too. Like I said,
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and I know it's a paradox, but it's
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true. When when we hold on to this
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unforgiveness, we keep ourselves
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tethered to them. And why do we want to
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spend one more minute stuck to a person
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who harmed us? We remain stuck in this
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cycle of pain. We are the ones who can't
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move forward in our holding on to
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resentment. So, by choosing to forgive,
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we're we're not saying what they did was
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okay. We're saying that we refuse to let
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their actions control our emotions, our
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life, our relationships, and we're
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unbburdening ourselves from being stuck
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in the past. A lot of people don't
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realize there's a there's a high price
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to pay or a cost for being stuck in
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unforgiveness. And I have to say, I see
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it a lot um as a therapist. And uh
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people, you know, they're they're really
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justified and validated in having pain
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points with things that have happened to
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them that shouldn't have happened to
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them. And so many traumatic things
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happen to people that are just not their
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fault. They're not their responsibility.
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And I think about, you know, even just
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my own journey of working through
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forgiveness and acceptance about things
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that have happened to me. You know,
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anyone would validate me. It was hard
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being a child of divorce. It was painful
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learning about my father having an
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affair. It was, you know, treacherous
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watching my mom suffer in all of the
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anguish of loss of her marriage, of her
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family, of her life that she once knew.
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And I could hold on to a lot of anger
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and a lot of resentment and a lot of
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blame. And to be really honest, I did. I
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did for a long time. As a 12-year-old
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child should be selfish. I was very all
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about me. Why are they doing this to me?
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Why can't they just get it together? and
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really really angry at the choices that
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my that both of my parents made when it
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came to the demise of their marriage.
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And what I didn't realize and I think
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most times kids don't realize is that
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parents are just people too. They're
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just adults who are perfectly imperfect.
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And so I think about my own therapy
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journey and what I needed to do to get
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to a place of really seeing both my
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parents as just humans who adapted in
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the best way they knew how. Even though
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those ways were not good enough and of
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oftentimes not good enough and
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oftentimes harmful, they are just
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humans, you know, with no road map on
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how to live. And so the cost or the
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consequence of not allowing for
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unforgiveness in your own true healing
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is that it really can lead to chronic
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stress. I had a ton of anxiety. Most
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clients who are stuck in in
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unforgiveness and are still in
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relationships where someone harmed them
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or or even not but stuck in the pain of
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it, they'll have a lot of anxiety.
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Oftentimes that heightened state of
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arousal turns into depression. We're not
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meant to go at such a high octane for
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long periods of time and our bodies get
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tired and so we fall into that state of
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depression where we can't think, we
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can't feel, we can't say no, we're not
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motivated and it can affect our
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relationships. We are planting on others
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nonrust, waiting for the other shoe to
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drop. And it doesn't allow for us to be
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100% in when we're in unforgiveness for
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the pain that someone else caused us. It
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compromises our overall well-being. And
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so the choice to do the work to go into
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forgiveness for self, you're allowing
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for the prioritization of your own
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healing, of your own peace, allowing for
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yourself to move into another place of
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letting go. And ultimately, I think
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universally, energetically, it's just
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better. Staying stuck in unforgiveness,
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it serves no purpose. It's there's no
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universal energetic benefit. There's no
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healing. There's no lessons that are
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learned for the person that's harmed
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you. If you're stuck in unforgiveness,
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again, like I said, you're you're
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waiting for poison, waiting for them to
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die, and they're just not affected. And
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maybe they are, and they're they're
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dealing with their own shame, but that's
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not your business. Their healing
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journey, their ability to forgive
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themselves and grow through their own
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poor decisions. That's for them, not for
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you. So, forgiveness is a decision, and
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it benefits you. And it's hard work.
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Like I said, it doesn't mean that we
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agree with what was done to us. Letting
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ourselves off the hook requires us to
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let the other person off the hook first.
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And again, it's not because they deserve
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it. It's not because they're necessarily
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worthy of it based on our own pain. It's
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because it serves you. Holding on to
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unforgiveness has serious emotional and
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physical costs. So, I I invite you to
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reflect right now. What past hurts are
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you holding on to? What would it look
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like for you to go and to find peace?
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What would it look like to have the
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freedom that you deserve? I hope that
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this is something that can help you
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thinking about the decision to forgive.
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If you know someone, like I said, please
11:00
share this episode. Please subscribe.
11:03
Maybe leave a review or share with us an
11:05
area that you're stuck when it comes to
11:07
nonforgiveness and we can support you
11:10
together. You can also connect with me
11:12
on social media through my Kelly O'Horo
11:14
Instagram or my website. You can check
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out the link to my website in the show
11:19
notes. So again, thank you so much for
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tuning in. I applaud you at your desire
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to be curious about this topic and
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hopefully free yourselves from the
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burden of unforgiveness. And so thank
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you again. And uh until we meet again,
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don't forget to lead with love. It'll
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never steer you wrong.
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[Music]
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