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in theory we are free to choose the
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person we love there's no external
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pressure from social conventions
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matchmaking or dynastic obligations
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forcing us into relationships yet in
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reality our choices may be far less free
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than we imagine subtle but powerful
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constraints on whom we can love and feel
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attracted to often stem from an
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unexpected Source our childhoods our
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psychological history predisposes us to
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be drawn to specific types of people we
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form romantic attachments along the
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grooves created in in childhood seeking
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Partners who recreate the feelings of
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love we experienced When We Were Young
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but the love we encountered in childhood
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likely wasn't made solely of generosity
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tenderness and kindness for many of us
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love was entwined with pain maybe we
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felt a sense of inadequacy perhaps we
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loved a fragile or depressed parent or
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maybe we couldn't be fully vulnerable
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with a caregiver as adults this
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conditioning leads us to prioritize
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familiarity over kindness when choosing
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Partners we might unconsciously dismiss
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prospective candidates who don't fit the
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complexities we associate with love
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labeling them as boring or not sexy what
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we often mean is that they don't make us
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suffer in the ways we've come to equate
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with love advice to Simply abandon
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difficult partners and find someone more
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wholesome may sound appealing but for
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many of us it's practically impossible
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attraction is not easily redirected
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instead of trying to transform the types
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of people we drawn to it may be more
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effective to change how we respond to
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the challenging Behavior
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of those were naturally compelled to
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love our problems often arise because we
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react to difficult Partners as we did to
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the challenging figures of our childhood
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for instance if we had an angry parent
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who frequently raised their voice we
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might have internalized their anger as
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our fault we became timid humble and
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guilt-ridden as adults when a partner
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exhibits similar anger we may revert to
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those same childlike behaviors sulking
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feeling at fault and building resentment
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alternatively if if we had a fragile
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parent who was easily hurt we might find
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ourselves drawn to a partner who
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exhibits similar vulnerability while we
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initially feel compelled to care for
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them frustration can set in we tiptoe
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around their feelings and offer
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encouragement as we did in childhood but
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we may also condemn them for seeming
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undeserving rather than attempt to
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re-engineer our instincts we can focus
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on reacting differently we can strive to
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respond to our partner's challenges not
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as children but as rational adults for
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example if a partner ra raises their
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voice our childlike response might be
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this is my fault a more mature response
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could be this is their issue I don't
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need to feel bad if a partner acts
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patronizingly instead of thinking I'm so
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stupid we might recognize there are many
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kinds of intelligence and mine is just
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fine we're likely to be in relationships
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with people whose issues trigger both
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our desires and our childlike defenses
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the solution isn't necessarily to end
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these relationships but to address their
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challenges with the wisdom we lacked as
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children we may not be able to find a
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perfectly mature partner but we can
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learn to approach their immaturity with
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greater maturity ourselves by adopting a
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more adult perspective in how we respond
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to our partner's complexities we create
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an opportunity for healthier more
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fulfilling relationships ultimately we
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grow by recognizing that while we can't
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rewrite our past we can reshape how it
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influences are present do you see
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childhood patterns influencing your
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relationships today how have you learned
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to respond to challenging behaviors
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differently share your experiences in
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the comments below if this video
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resonated with you don't forget to like
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might benefit from these insights visit
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