Become stronger: Jumpstart your anti-fragile systems

My name is Tal Ben-Shahar. I'm a student and teacher in the field of happiness studies

I'm the co-founder of the Happiness Studies Academy, and my most recent book is Happier No Matter What

Chapter 1. The Paradox of Chasing Happiness. I became interested in happiness because of my own unhappiness

I was an undergraduate at Harvard studying computer science, and I found myself in my

second year doing very well academically, doing well in athletics, I played squash

doing quite well socially, and yet being very unhappy. And it didn't make sense to me because

when I looked at my life from the outside, things looked great. I checked the boxes

but from the inside, it didn't feel that way. And I remember waking up one very cold Boston morning

going to my academic advisor and telling her that I'm switching majors. And she said, what to? And I

said, well, I'm leaving computer science and moving over to philosophy and psychology. And she asked

me why. And I said, because I have two questions. First question is, why aren't I happy? Second

question, how can I become happier? And it's with these two questions that I went on to get my

undergraduate in philosophy and psychology, then over across the Atlantic to the other Cambridge

to study education, and then back to Harvard for my PhD, all the time focusing on how can I help

myself, individuals, couples, families, organizations, and ultimately nations, increase levels of well-being

Now, what drew me to these questions was, of course, first and foremost, my personal experience

I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be happier. Second, also, to figure out why

Why is it that we're told from a very young age, whether explicitly or implicitly

that it's all about success, it's all about the attainment of the next goal, of the next milestone

And yet, achieving, arriving, fulfilling these goals, that does not bring us to a happier place

Certainly not in the long term. And I wanted to figure out what is it, if anything, can lead us to a better, happier, more fulfilled existence

And that is what I've been doing over the past 30 years, looking for answers

What prompted me to write Happier No Matter What is my desire to put together what the science of

happiness has to teach us in difficult times. Whether we're going through a pandemic, whether

it's a loss of a job, whether it's a dissolution of a relationship, whether it's a loss of a person

Because the science of happiness doesn't just help us become happier in good times, it also helps us

better deal with difficulties, hardships, and struggles. Back in 2015, I was on a transatlantic flight

when a question came to mind. And the question was, how is it

that there is a field of study for psychology, which has been my field, philosophy, history

medicine, geography, you name it, and there is no field of study for happiness

Yeah, there is positive psychology, which is what I had been studying

for the past 20 years, but that's just the psychology of happiness. What about what philosophers

like Lao Tzu or Aristotle had to say about happiness? What about what literature remarked

on happiness or neuroscience or theology or economics? Why isn't there a field or rather

an interdisciplinary field of study that looks at life's ultimate, highest goal, happiness? And I

resolved on that flight to help create a field dedicated to the study of happiness

Why is studying happiness important? Well, there are two main reasons. The first reason

is because happiness is good in and of itself. We all want to be happier or less sad. We all want

those we love to be happier. So happiness is an end in and of itself. And then the second reason

is that it is also a means toward other ends. So we know that if we increase levels of happiness even by a little bit

what we find is that we become more creative, more productive, more engaged

Our performance is better, whether we're talking children in school or employees in the organization

We're also physically healthier and our relationships improve. So happiness is good in and of itself

It's also good as a means towards higher levels of performance, success, and achievement

There are two main critiques that people have for the field of happiness studies

The first one is that it's superficial, shallow, uninteresting. The reason is that they equate happiness with pleasure

So when people say, oh, I went to the beach, I was so happy, or this ice cream just makes me happy

Well, that's not happiness. That is a small part of happiness. In the field of happiness studies includes pleasure, of course, as well as our ability to deal with painful experiences

as well as a sense of meaning and purpose, as well as cultivating healthy relationships

as well as intellectual development, curiosity. So happiness is much more than pleasure

The second critique of the field of happiness stems from the false understanding or expectation

that a happy life means being happy all the time. That a happy life is a life devoid of painful emotions

It's not. It can never be. Part of a happy life is the necessary ups and downs, the vicissitudes of daily life

So learning to accept and even embrace painful emotions is an important part of a happy life

and the study of painful emotions is an important part of the field of happiness studies

Why is the science of happiness important in difficult times? To answer this question, we can draw on a very important concept that was introduced by New York University professor Nassim Taleb

Nassim Taleb talks about antifragility. What is antifragility? Antifragility is essentially Resilience 2.0

So Resilience 1.0 is a term taken from engineering. What it means specifically is that when we put pressure on a system, that system goes

back after the pressure is lifted to its original form. So for example you squish a piece of rubber it goes back to its original form it resilient Or a ball you drop it down it bounces back up Resilience

Anti-fragility takes this idea of resilience a step further. Specifically, you put pressure on a system, it doesn't just go back to its original form

it actually grows bigger, stronger, better, healthier. You drop a ball. If it's anti-fragile, it doesn't just bounce back up. It bounces back higher

That's anti-fragility. Now we see anti-fragile systems all around us and within us. For example

our muscular system. We go to the gym and we lift weights. We're putting pressure on our muscles

What happens as a result? We actually grow stronger, bigger, healthier. We're an anti-fragile

system. Or on the psychological level, you know, I always ask my class the following question. I ask

them to put their hand up if they know what PTSD is. PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. Just

about everyone in the class, psychologists or non-psychologists, put their hand up. They've

heard about it, they've studied it, they've read about it. And then I asked them a second question

after they put their hand down. I said, now put your hand up if you know what PTG is

hardly any hand goes up. PTG stands for post-traumatic growth. So where post-traumatic stress disorder

is about breaking down, post-traumatic growth is about growing stronger. As a result of pressure

stress, it's anti-fragility. Now here is the thing. We significantly increase the likelihood

of post-traumatic growth if we know about its existence, if we know that it's in the realm of

possibilities. Moreover, we significantly increase the likelihood of post-traumatic growth if we know what conditions we need to put in place. As I see it, the role of the science of

happiness is, first of all, to introduce us to concepts like post-traumatic growth, like

anti-fragility, and second, to teach us what conditions we can put in place in our homes

in our organizations, in our schools, in our countries, to increase the likelihood of growing

from hardship. Hardship is inevitable. What we do with a hardship, well, here we have a choice

People often ask me, so Tal, you got into this field because of your unhappiness. Today

30 years later, are you finally happy? And my answer to that is, I don't know how to answer

this question. Why? Because I don't think there is a point before which one is unhappy after which

one is happy. In other words, it's not a binary zero one. Rather, happiness resides on a continuum

So yes, today I'm certainly happier than I was 30 years ago. At the same time

I most certainly hope that 10 years from now I'll be happier than I am today

Happiness is a lifelong journey. It's a journey that ends when life ends

And knowing that, we can have realistic rather than unrealistic expectations about what is possible

If our expectations are to find that happily ever after, to arrive

then we're in for disappointment, inevitable frustration. However, we understand that the pursuit of happiness is a journey, and every day we can make some progress

We can bring about some meaningful, though small, change into our lives

Well, then, our expectations are realistic, and we're potentially in for retreat

Helen Keller defines happiness as wholeness. My definition building on the work of Helen Keller is that happiness is about whole person

well-being, or in a word, whole being. There is a paradox when it comes to pursuing happiness

On the one hand, we know that happiness is a good thing, whether in and of itself or as a means

toward other ends. We want it for ourselves, for our loved ones. At the same time, we also know

from research by Iris Moss and others that people who wake up in the morning and say to themselves

happiness is important for me. I value happiness. I want to pursue it. Those individuals actually end

up being less happy. In fact, they're more likely to be lonely, experience depression

So the paradox is that on the one hand, it's clearly a good thing, happiness. On the other

hand, valuing it as a good thing is problematic. So what do we do? Do we fool ourselves? Do

we tell ourselves, well, actually happiness is not important to me, wink wink. No, self-deception

is certainly not the first step to a happier life. What we do, the way to resolve this paradox

is that we pursue happiness indirectly. Let me explain this through an ogy

Think about sunlight. So if I look at the sun right now directly, it's going to hurt my eyes

However, if I break down sunlight into its elements, into its constituents

with a prism, for example, I can look at the colors of the rainbow

So I'm indirectly looking at the sunlight, enjoying it, savoring it. In the same way, pursuing happiness, valuing happiness directly can hurt, can cause more harm than good

But breaking it down into its elements, that can lead us to enjoy the indirect pursuit of happiness

and by extension to raise our overall levels of happiness. The question is, what are these elements of happiness

What are the metaphorical colors of the rainbow when it comes to happiness

And here we have what I've come to call the SPIRE model of happiness

Chapter 2. SPIRE, the five dimensions of well-being. SPIRE is an acronym that stands for spiritual well-being, physical well-being, intellectual

well-being, relational well-being, and finally emotional well-being. These five elements of

happiness, spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional, together create that sunlight happiness And when we pursue these elements individually whether it spirituality whether it physical health whether it intellectual development whether it our

relationships, when we cultivate pleasurable emotions, these are all ways of indirectly

pursuing happiness. And thereby, we resolve the paradox of happiness. I've been asked by many

people why didn't include financial well-being as part of the model of

happiness, as part of the SPIRE model. The answer is not because I don't think

financial well-being is unimportant. Of course it is. However, it's important for

providing the most basic levels, meaning for food, shelter, education. But beyond

that, money does not contribute to happiness. Moreover, the spire elements are primary

fundamental, and it is by indirectly pursuing those spire elements that we're actually more

likely to enjoy financial well-being as a derivative of spire. Chapter 3. Exercising your spirit, body, and mind

So what is spiritual well-being and how do we cultivate it? Well, we can find spirituality, of course, in religion

But not only. Spirituality is about finding a sense of meaning and purpose in life

Now, there's an important distinction here that Viktor Frankl makes between the meaning of life

and the meaning in life. The meaning of life, well, identifying that is up to you. It's above

my pay grade. But the meaning in life, this is something that all of us can find in our day-to-day

experiences at work and at home. Research done by Amy Vizniewski and Jane Dutton sheds some

interesting light on finding meaning in life. They were able to identify three archetypes in terms of

people's perception of their work, their work orientation. There are some people who see their

work as a job. A job is something that I have to do. A job is something that I have no choice about

It's a chore. What am I looking forward to when I'm in a job? Well, I'm looking forward to the

end of the day or TGIF. Thank God it's Friday or retirement when I will no longer need to do what

I'm doing. But for now I have to. That's a job. Then there are people who see their work as a

career. Career is about progress. Career is about climbing the organizational ladder. Career is about

making more money, being more successful. And then there are people who see their work as a calling

Seeing your work as a calling is about having a sense of meaning and purpose in what you're doing

it's important to you. You're looking forward to not Friday but rather Monday

more work. So there was research done in different professions, in different

places around these three work orientations. For example the first series of studies was done in hospitals and what Wisniewski and Dutton found was

that there were janitors, cleaners in those hospitals, who saw their work as a job. Something

that they had to do. No choice. Then there were janitors in the same hospitals doing the exact

same work, who saw their work as a career. For them, it was about making progress, about getting

to the next level, making more money. And then there were, in those very same hospitals, janitors

doing the exact same work who saw their work as a calling. For them, work was meaningful, important

They were enabling the work of the doctors and nurses. They were facilitating recovery, health

among the patients. Now, interestingly, in those very same hospitals, there were also

doctors who saw their work as a job. Let this shift just be over. There were doctors in those

very same hospitals who saw their work as a career, but making progress, climbing. And then there were

doctors doing the exact same thing as others who saw their work as a calling. This is what they

felt they were meant to do with their life. Similarly for nurses, administrators, similar

results were found among bankers, hairdressers, teachers, even parents. How do we see what we do

whether it's parenting, whether it's banking, whether it's medicine? How do we see what we do

What is our perception? What is our orientation? And it seems that much more important than what

we objectively do is our subjective interpretation of what we do. And that can make all the difference

because people who see their work as a calling, not all of the time, but more of the time

are not just happier. They're also more productive. They're more creative. They're more engaged

They are better employees overall. So there are personal benefits and organizational benefits

Moreover, they are more likely to be anti-fragile, overcome difficulties and hardships

Why? As Nietzsche wrote 150 years ago or so, when you have a what for, every how becomes possible

If you wake up in the morning with a purpose, a calling, then you're more likely to overcome

barriers that come in your way. My business partner, Angus Ridgway, is British with a British

sense of humor. So he was having lunch with his brother-in-law one day, and his brother-in-law

is a cardiologist. Specifically, his expertise is the pacemaker. What he does is he puts pacemakers

in, and then every few years he takes them out, changes the batteries, and puts them back

in again. So, Angus was having lunch with his brother-in-law. When he said to him the following, he said, you know, Ever, I suddenly realized, understood

what you do for a living. So his brother-in-law curiously asked, what do I do for a living

And Angus says to him, you change batteries. Now, his brother-in-law didn't even smile. He looked at him straight in the face and

said to him Angus you right Some days I change batteries Other days I save lives Do I see my work as a job as a chore or do I see it as a calling as purposeful So much of it depends on our orientation on our focus on our subjective interpretation of the objective reality

How can we help ourselves, how can we help our employees see more of our work as purposeful, as meaningful

How can we experience more spirituality in the workplace? Well, one thing that we can do is we can ask, whether ourselves or others, to write a calling description

We're often asked to write a job description, but why not focus on what it is in our work that is important, that is meaningful

that contributes to others, to the greater good, to the big picture

And when we start focusing on what it is that makes our work a calling, then we are more likely to experience our day-to-day as meaningful

We find meaning in life, if not the meaning of life. Here are a few questions that you can ask yourself to increase your levels of spiritual well-being

The first question is, what is meaningful to me in what I'm already doing

What matters? What's important in what I'm contributing? And then asking, how can I increase spiritual well-being in my life, in my work

What can I do, day in and day out, even if it's something small, to increase the amount of meaning, the sense of purpose that I experience at work

Physical well-being is an important element of happiness, of the SPIRE model

Why? Because mind and body are one, interconnected. When it comes to physical well-being, perhaps the most important idea to look at is that of stress

Because long before the COVID-19 pandemic, we had the stress pandemic. The World Health Organization talks about stress as the silent killer

more and more organizations are struggling with stress and consequently with burnout and breakdown

So what do we do about stress? What can the science of happiness teach us? Well, the first

thing that it teaches us is that all along we have been blaming the wrong culprit because stress

in fact, is not a problem. Stress, in fact, is potentially good for us. Let me explain. So let's

go back to a physical ogy. When I go to the gym and I lift weights, what am I doing to my

muscles? I'm stressing them. Now, is that a bad thing? Not at all. I go to the gym one day, and

then I go two days later and then after that again and I lift weights and I actually grow stronger

bigger, healthier. Our muscular system is an anti-fragile system and to trigger it, stress is

important. When do the problems begin? The problems begin when I go to the gym and I lift weights and

a minute later, more weights and more weights and more weights. That's when I get injured. That's

when I get weaker rather than stronger. The problem, therefore, is not the stress. The problem

rather, is the lack of recovery, whether it's in the gym physically or in life psychologically

You see, what healthy, happy, and successful people do is they experience stress just like

everyone else does. The difference is that they punctuate their crazy busy lives with ample

recovery. And when we have stress and recovery, that's when the anti-fragile system is triggered

If we only have one or the other, we do not grow stronger. In fact, we can break down

become fragile rather than anti-fragile. So what does recovery look like? What does recovery look

like in the workplace? Well, we can talk about three levels of recovery, mini, mid, and macro

levels of recovery. When it comes to mini recoveries, we can talk about, you know, a 15-minute break

that could include a cup of coffee or a walk or a conversation or a meal, but not a meal when our

phone is on and we're doing work at the same time because that's not recovery, that's simply more

stress. Physical exercise can be a very powerful form of recovery from stress. You know that people

who spend time, 30 minutes, three times a week, not that much, working out, whether it's going for

a walk or jogging or swimming or, best of all, dancing or playing soccer or whatever

They are physically healthier, of course, as well as psychologically healthier. In fact

regular physical exercise works in the same way that our most powerful psychiatric medication

works. So that's a good form of mini-recovery. Three deep breaths, 30-40 seconds, five to six

seconds in and five to six seconds out. That's a form of recovery. That shifts us from the fight

or flight response to what Herbert Benson from Harvard Medical School calls the relaxation

response. So there we have it, mini-recoveries. When it comes to mid-level recoveries

getting a good night's sleep, or if you can't fall asleep, just lying down

Taking a day off. You know, even God needed a day off. I think there is an important message here for

us mere mortals. And it turns out that God was right. People who take a day off are not just

happier and healthier, they actually perform better at work. and then we have macro level recovery jp morgan once said i can do the work of a year in nine

months but not in 12 i can do the work of a year in nine months but not in 12 now most of us don't

have the luxury of taking three months off but even a month off or a week off here and there can

go a long way in triggering the antifragile system. For many people, for many employees, it's difficult to take time off, especially for

type A's, ambitious individuals. Why? Because if I take time off, it means that I'm stopping, I'm slowing down

At best, well think about the following ogy. You're a race car driver, you go around the track again and again and again

And then after 40 lapses, you need a pit stop. But you refuse because you don't want to slow down, you don't want to stop

What happens? One of two things. Either you run out of fuel or your tires blow up

You know what that's called? Burnout. Breakdown. and billions of people around the world are struggling with that, not because of the stress

because of the lack of recovery. To increase our physical well-being, we do not need to

in fact, we cannot do away with stress. What we do need is to introduce more recovery into our life

on the mini, mid, and macro levels. So ask yourself, what can I do today for recovery

Is it more exercise? Is it just having a meal while the phone is off

and work is away with a friend? Is it going for a walk, having a cup of coffee

meditating perhaps? What can I do to introduce mini-recovery into my day-to-day

Second, ask yourself, what can you do to introduce more mid-level recovery into your life

Is it perhaps to switch off technology a bit earlier so that you can get better night's sleep

Is it to take a day or two off regularly, weekly? And finally, what can you do to introduce macro level recovery into your life

What kind of vacation do you want? What provides you with recovery

Is it lying down on the beach and doing nothing? Or maybe that's more stressful for you

And what you need is to climb mountains or read books or hang out with friends

You see, it is when we recreate that we create. Recreation leads to creation

As a manager, one of the most important things that you can do for your employees and for

your organization is to encourage employees to take time off. First of all, by doing it yourself, leading by example

Second, keep in mind that in the United States, more than half of the employees do not use up their vacation time

And even those that do, close to half are still tethered to their work

Encourage employees, encourage yourself to take that vacation, to take that time for recovery so that you can trigger the anti-fragile system for you

for your employees, and for the organization. The connection between intellectual well-being

and happiness is less apparent to most people. But here is how it's connected

There's research showing that people who are curious, who ask questions, are not just happier

they're not just more successful, they also live longer. So there is a connection between curiosity

and longevity. Another important element of intellectual well-being is not just asking

questions, it's deeply engaging with material. That material can be text, it can be a work of art

It can be nature. Now, the question is, why is deep engagement with material, how does that

contribute to intellectual well-being? How does that contribute to overall happiness? Well, in various ways. You know, the first course that I took as an undergraduate at Harvard

and this was during freshman week, so before school officially started, was a course in speed

reading. And you know, it was a very important course for me because it helped me get through

a lot of material later on. Today, it helps me get through the sports pages in a more efficient way

However, I wished I'd learned another course during that time, not in speed reading, but rather

in slow reading. Why? Because when we only or primarily engage in speed reading, in scanning

which is mostly what we do when we go online and scan web pages or when we, you know, go through

the news or quickly read an article that we were sent, what we're doing is we're exercising

very specific muscles, so to speak. Certain neural abilities are cultivated

And we neglect other abilities, such as deep, slow learning. And that hurts us

Because when we do not practice these muscles, these neurons, we pay a price when it comes to our business

success and also when it comes to our relationships. Why is that? Because let's say we do engage in

deep learning. We do exercise these muscles, so to speak. Well, then when we meet a potential client

or potential partner, we'll be able to better read that person, deeply understand who they are

what they are about. Whereas if all we're practicing is scanning, a superficial kind of

reading or engagement, well, we'll only gain a superficial kind of understanding of who that

person is. Same when reading a contract. In order to gain deep understanding, to really get it

Well, we need to practice, to exercise, just like in everything, whether it's sports or in intellectual development

The same with relationships. One of the reasons, not the only reason, but one of the reasons why we see so many relationships flounder today

is because individuals fail to engage deeply with their partner. because if, and this is real statistic, we switch web pages every seven seconds on average

like, dislike, like, dislike, well, we do not engage deeply with texts, and then why are we

to engage deeply with another person? We get bored, we want to move on, we want more stimulation

Whereas if we practice deep learning we also prepare ourselves for deep or deeper relationships Exercising the ability for deep learning contributes to business contributes to relationship

it contributes to our professional as well as personal lives. It is an important, essential element of happiness

So what do we do? Well, spend a few minutes a day, a few hours a week engaging with text

Learn something that you're interested in, that you're curious about. And what you will find is that over time, neural pathways will connect and you will become better at it

Now, when I say it, I don't just mean it reading that text or engaging with that work of art

But better at engaging with people, with a business contract. You'll become more effective, more efficient, will become happier

Speed reading, being able to synthesize and integrate a lot of text, a lot of information is certainly important

At the same time, it's also important once in a while to slow down

Now, it's important for a manager, for a leader, to do it themselves and also to encourage their employees to do the same, to spend time, quality time, just yzing a certain business case or perhaps a contract or to read together and then yze and discuss a literary piece or a poem

Now, these things seem tangential or perhaps unrelated to the day-to-day work

However, over time, what they do is cultivate better thinkers, cultivate more effective, more efficient, more productive, better employees

to identify what it is that we can engage with, whether a text, a work of art, or nature

we need to ask, what am I most curious about? What do I really want to learn? Now, when I say that

to people, some of them say, well, I'm not really curious, or my child is not curious. And my answer

to that is that it would be the same as saying, well, my child or I am not hungry. Well, you may

not be hungry now, but you will be later. You may not be hungry for broccoli and celery

but you are perhaps for chocolate and oranges. So identify what it is that you're curious about

It's in our genes. It's in our makeup to be curious, to want to learn. What do you want to learn

Identify it and then study it. And whatever it is, no matter the topic

it will have a trickle effect on other areas in your life

from your business to your relationships. Chapter 4. The Importance of Relational and Emotional Health

Relational well-being is important. It's very important. The number one predictor of happiness is quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us

The number one predictor of health is the quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us

And it turns out that the number one condition that we can put in place to increase the likelihood of anti-fragility, of growing through hardship, is the quality of our relationships

Now, interestingly, what kind of relationships we have or with whom matters less

For some people, the important relationship in their life is a romantic relationship

For others, it's their family or extended family. For others, it's friends

It can also be colleagues. But having supportive relationships in our lives matters a great deal for happiness, for health, for overall success at home and in organizations

Now, how do we cultivate strong, healthy relationships? Well, let me count the ways, or at least a few ways

Probably the most powerful intervention that we can introduce in our personal lives, in

our organizations, is the power of giving. There's research showing that when we give, when we contribute, whether it's charity or

kindness, something material or spiritual, we significantly increase levels of well-being, not to mention the fact that we create the conditions for healthy relationships

This turns out to matter a great deal for leadership. So back in the 1970s, Robert

Greenleaf, an organizational behaviorist, was looking for the characteristic of extraordinary

extraordinary leaders. Now, extraordinary leaders are needed in extraordinary times, such as the times we're going through right now. So what is it about extraordinary leaders

The trait that he identified in them, whether they were religious leaders or political leaders or

business leaders was that they were servant leaders, saw themselves as serving

For example, Robert Greenleaf went back to the Bible. Moses, when was Moses picked by God

When Moses ran after a lamb and brought the lamb back to the flock. In other words

he was serving the Lamb. Fast forward to the Christian Bible. Jesus came to earth to serve

the people. Fast forward to the 20th century. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison on

Robbins Island. He had some time to think about what he would say when, if, he ever came out

All the cameras are on him. He's addressing the people of South Africa

What is he saying? 27 years in the making. I am your servant

Look at Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop, in her wonderful book, Business as Unusual

a book that I sign in my classes. What is the book about? Serving, serving, and more serving

whether it's serving her employees, whether it's serving her customers, whether it's serving the environment, the community

What servant leaders do is they take the organizational chart and flip it upside down so that they're at the bottom supporting

Now, what is the number one characteristic of servant leaders? Listening. In other words, lending their ear, giving their time

It not how eloquent they are how charismatic they are how brilliant they are It their ability to listen You know interestingly in the story of Moses and again whether you see it as the Word of God

or as a story written by very smart people, in that story, when God tells Moses that he is going

to be leading his people, the first thing that Moses says is, I can't. Why? Because I stutter

Because I have a speech impediment. And yet God chooses him. And there is an important message

here. What's more important than talking, than being eloquent, than being charismatic

is the ability to listen. This is what great leaders do, what extraordinary leaders do

especially in extraordinary times. When I talk about leadership, I'm not just talking about that

person at the helm, the top of the organization, or at the bottom serving others. I'm talking about

leadership at every level. Why? Because when it comes to giving, when we give, when we're generous

when we're benevolent, we're affecting everyone around us because these characteristics, these behaviors are contagious. They're contagious as a result of mirror neurons

So that when I see benevolent behavior, when I see encounter generosity, it affects me, I'm more

likely to be the same, to do the same. Servant leadership is important at home. What our children

what our partners need more than anything. They need our ears much more so than our sermons

than our lectures, especially in extraordinary times. So giving, whether it's material, whether it's spiritual

whether it's listening, whether it's kindness, when we give, we're contributing to the receiver

We're contributing also to ourselves. It is important to listen whether we are in the same room with other people

or when we're interacting virtually. The ability to listen brings us closer together

It contributes to the well-being of the listener, of the person being listened to

It triggers the anti-fragile system, once again for the listener and for the person who's being

listened to. And when we do so, we create stronger, healthier relationships, whether

personal or professional. When we think about giving, it is important to also think about

giving ourselves. Research by Professor Adam Grant and others shows that givers who are only

concerned about giving others and neglect themselves, well, their giving is not sustainable

Their performance suffers significantly over time. It is people who give others as well as

themselves, who are able to put boundaries in place when necessary. They're the ones who can

sustain giving. One of the issues that people have with the pursuit of happiness is that it's a

selfish endeavor. And they are right. The problem, though, doesn't lie in the pursuit of happiness

but rather in our words, in our concepts. You know, when we look at the word selfish

and we look at the thesaurus, what are the synonyms? Synonyms are immoral, bad, inconsiderate

egotistical. These are the synonyms for selfish. On the other hand, when we look at selfless

what words are associated with that? Generous, benevolent, moral, good, and so on. Now

none of us, given what selfish means in our culture, want that for ourselves. And yet

when we talk about the pursuit of happiness, it is a selfish pursuit, or is it? Because when I

pursue happiness, when I give myself, contribute to myself, I'm in a much better place to also help

others. So is it selfish or selfless? Well, it's neither and both. It's self-full

Selffulness synthesizes the best of both worlds, of selfishness and selflessness, of giving oneself and giving others. And they work together, reinforcing one another in an

upward spiral of generosity and benevolence. So what can you do to cultivate relational well-being

Well, the first thing is, wherever possible, meet people face-to-face, in person. Spend time together

in the sandbox or in the restaurant or going for a walk. Spend time, focus time, not when your phone

is on, not while doing work. Single task rather than multitask. And then give. Give your time

lend your ears, be generous and be kind. That will contribute to yourself, to the other

to the relationship. And then finally, ask yourself, where can I be open to receive

because the other needs you to receive so that he or she can give

When it comes to emotional well-being, we need to think about, first, how do we deal with painful emotions

and second, how do we cultivate pleasurable ones. When it comes to painful emotions, they are an inevitable part of any life, including a happy life

In fact, there are only two kinds of people who do not experience painful emotions, such as sadness, or anger, or frustration, or envy, or anxiety

Two kinds of people. The first kind of people who don't experience painful emotions are the psychopaths

Second kind of people who don't experience painful emotions are dead. So if you experience painful emotions at times, it's actually a good sign

It means you're not a psychopath and you're alive. Good place to start. We can build on that

And it turns out that when we reject or try to reject painful emotions

any and all of them, we pay a very high price. Because these emotions only go and intensify. They grow stronger

And paradoxically, when we embrace, when we accept painful emotions, they don't overstay their welcome

So accepting and embracing painful emotions is critical, is important for well-being

But once we accept painful emotions, how do we then cultivate pleasurable ones

I want to focus here specifically on the emotion of gratitude You know I been keeping a gratitude journal since the 19th of September 1999

Not because there was any research on it at that time, but because Oprah told me to do so on one of her shows

It turns out that Oprah was right. In 2003, a study came out on gratitude journaling

It was by Robert Emmons and Mike McAuliffe. And what they showed was that people who keep a gratitude journal, who at night write, say, five things for which they're grateful, are not just happier, they're also more optimistic, more successful, more likely to achieve their goals, kinder, more generous, and they're physically healthier

We do this as a family, around the dinner table, once a week, where we go around each one

and when we're with my parents, from grandparents to young children, each one saying, what am I

grateful for that happened this week? It's a wonderful way to start a meal. And it contributes

to overall well-being, not just in the here and now, but generally throughout the week

Now, it turns out that this also has impact in the workplace

So research by Teresa Amabile on the progress principle shows that employees who, at the

end of the day, think about, reflect on one thing that they made progress on

It could be I cleared my table, or it could be I had a good conversation with a client

or I did something big or small at work. those employees job satisfaction goes up they're more productive and they're more creative as a

result of counting their blessings as a result of focusing on wins even if they're small wins

now what if in your organization you could at the end of the week go around the the table and each

one just talks about one thing that they made progress on or one thing that they're grateful

for that happened during the week. Now, why does such a simple, straightforward intervention

whether we're doing it at home, by ourselves, with others in the workplace, why does it work

so well? Why does it have such a strong impact? Well, we can find the answer in the language

that we use. Now, my favorite word in English is the word appreciate. The word appreciate has two

meanings. The first meaning of the word appreciate is to say thank you for something. And that's a

nice thing to do, even a moral thing to do. You know, Cicero talked about gratitude is the mother

of all virtues. It's a good thing to appreciate rather than to take for granted. But there is a

second meaning to the word appreciate, and that is to grow in value. So we put money in the bank

hopefully it appreciates. The economy in good times appreciates. It grows in value. Now these

two meanings of the word appreciate, gratitude and growth, are actually intimately linked

Why? How? Because when we appreciate the good, the good appreciates. When we appreciate the good

in our life, in our work, in our home, in ourselves, it appreciates we have more of it

Unfortunately, the opposite is also the case. When we do not appreciate the good

when we take the good in ourselves, in our relationships, in our organizations

in the world for granted. The good depreciates and we have less of it. So why not appreciate more

Why not grow the good in your life at home, at work? How? Introduce a ritual

Maybe with your family once a week to go around the table and to talk about the things that

you're grateful for. Or maybe by yourself with your partner just before going to bed to write

down three or five good things that happen to you during the day or in your life. And it's okay

to repeat yourself. It just means that these are really good things and you're grateful for them

consistently. Or in the workplace, whether at the end of the week with other colleagues

or by yourself and encourage your colleagues to do the same. For wherever you are and whenever you are

when you appreciate the good, the good appreciates. We all at times encounter difficulties and hardship and challenges

And one of the things that we often hear from others, well-wishers

is that things happen for the best. Well, I must say, I don't fully buy this

I do not think that things necessarily happen for the best. However, I do know that we can learn to make the best of things that happen

One of the soundbites, one of the mantras that I repeat to myself over and over again

to my children, to my clients, to my students, is learn to fail or fail to learn

There is, unfortunately, no other way to learn and to grow. That's how we learn how to walk, by falling

That's how we learn to be better partners, through failing and making mistakes

That's how we learn to be better leaders, by making mistakes and learning from them

Learn to fail or fail to learn is the mantra or the marching order of great leaders

To help us implement the ideas within the SPIRE model, we can use the SPIRE check-in

And what we do then is identify where we are spiritually, physically, intellectually

relationally, and emotionally, and then ask questions around each one of these elements

Questions that can raise our levels of awareness about what we can do

what we ought to do if we are to climb higher. And the change does not need to be radical

Small changes make a big difference if, when, consistently applied. Here are five things based on the SPIRE model that you can do

to increase levels of happiness, of well-being, as well as success. First, ask yourself, what is meaningful in what I'm doing and how can I do more of it

Second, find times to recover in your daily life. If you're not exercising

already, start doing so as a form of recovery. Third, find something that you're

curious about, that you would like to read or learn and engage in it. Spend an

hour or two a week in deep learning. Fourth, switch off technology and spend

quality time with people you care about and who care about you, whether it's

whether it's a meal, whether it's going for a walk. And finally, express gratitude

Things that you're grateful for a day can sometimes literally keep the doctor away

There is a double standard when it comes to cultivating happiness. You see, in every other endeavor in life, we understand that effort, investment, hard work are essential

That it's not enough to just read a book about tennis to become a great tennis player

or to learn about music to become a great musician. We need to practice. We need to put in the time. Similarly, with happiness. It's not enough to read

a book or hear a lecture or come up with an idea, as good as it may be, for us to become happier

It's a first step and an important first step. But then what we need to do is put in the work

invest in finding meaning in what we do in life. Go out and exercise. Put time aside for recovery

Engage with text or nature Put in the effort there Invest in our relationships not just rely on the fact that there is good chemistry or connection We need to put in the work And finally when it comes to emotional well spend time

appreciating, expressing gratitude to yourself, others, and the world. And when we put in the work

that is based on science, that is based on solid, sound, evidence-based ideas

that is when we increase our levels of happiness. And because happiness is contagious, we do the same for others

If we can find effective ways of reducing, minimizing, or eliminating the gap that exists between knowing and doing

we will have much more happiness, much more joy in our world

We will enjoy significantly more of life's ultimate currency, the currency of happiness

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