Atsuko Okatsuka: Comedy, Chaos, and Finding a Place to Belong

I think the key to life is knowing who you're not

That is so important because you might wake up 10 years later and be like

I am not a farmer, but here I am with a whole farm

I'm Atsuko Katsuka and I'm a comedian. In what aspect of your life do you feel not good enough

When is the first time you remember feeling that way? I think I'm kind of finding that I'm more of a perfectionist than I thought

I used to be like, oh, I'm so chill, you know, and I am

But for me, it's always about like knowing that there's always improvement

I watch back every show that I do. I'm looking at my movements. I'm seeing if I have started doing

the joke slower or faster, or if I'm even enunciating a word weirder. I'm always thinking

there's room for improvement, especially with craft. But then feeling not good enough as a person

in general, the first time I felt that, I think I've felt that multiple times in my life

I had a unique upbringing where I wasn't just an immigrant. Like, my mom has schizophrenia

And then my dad, who had full custody of me, my grandma lied to, my grandma kidnapped me from him

There were other things that made me feel like I was a bit of a freak. And that kind of just repeats itself throughout life, I feel like, in different ways

For example like when I first came to the States and I was still learning English I remember I was playing with like these two girls and there was another person that came

and like wanted to play with us. And I said, yeah, you can play with we

And then the two girls started laughing because they were like, ha ha, you mean us, you know

I remember kind of shutting down a little bit because I was like, oh, I don't even know what the correct thing is

I just know I'm wrong. And I don't know how to fix it. And that's kind of scary, feeling stuck

Thinking back, maybe that's where, you know, wanting things to be perfect

The way I present myself to people, even as a performer, I think maybe that does come from that

Where it's like, I don't want to feel that way again. I think about this all the time with immigrant comedians

I'm not funny in Japanese or Mandarin. I got funny in the language that I struggled at the most

and that I desperately wanted to try to connect with people the most

Yeah, I think about it all the time, yeah. Who are you still trying to please

I am a big people pleaser. I think a lot of comedians are

but I'm a huge people pleaser. My mom was really unpredictable growing up

so I was always like, does this make you happy? Should I go away

Does that make you happy? Do you want me to listen to you talk? Does that make you happy

Should I talk? Does that make you happy? Because of that, I don't ever want people to feel disappointed

So I always say yes. And then, you know, when I can't deliver, right, it's actually a bigger disappointment to the people than if I just said no in the first place

And so that something I had to learn You can take time Don answer anything based on emotion Feel the emotion Oh I feel bad if I say no Oh I feel guilty I feel guilty if I say no Let that feeling pass

and then answer. Because then you've already played out the guilty part. You've already felt

the guilty part in your body. And then after you took a few deep breaths, I don't know, took a

little walk, it'll be easier to say no or respond after that

Where has pain served a purpose in your life? My dad and I were separated for many years, you know, after my grandma brought me to the

States kind of abruptly without telling us. We reconnected, but then we never really talked about what happened, right

How it made us feel. how were you feeling at the time? What were you going through

What was I going through? We never talked about it. And then I read Glass from This American Life

was like, do you want to do an episode about this possible kidnapping that your grandma did on you

And I was like, yeah, because for me, and it's a sick thing

but sometimes it takes a project for you to go, okay, I'm going to face that pain

I'm going to face that fear. And I'll do it for the public

Confronting it was painful, and it was really, really sad, you know, because there were chunks of stories missing that I just had filled it in with my head

Right now, I'm almost about to cry a little. So basically, your grandma told me in a letter that you are really missing me

And that's when I think I knew you were in America. It was very sad to hear how devastated my dad was, how lonely he was, how much he missed

me how he tried to see me again things like this that I didn know It was good because it also I think healed a hole It sad but it good And we can continue to love each other and really have a great relationship from now on

What need inside yourself have you been neglecting? When did you start neglecting it and why

You know, I constantly struggle with, like, trying to figure out if it's a need that I truly need for myself

or if it's a need I see other people needing for them, so I try to copy them

You hike, or maybe I'm a hiker, too. Oh, you see a therapist? Maybe I should see one

It still goes back to trying to fit in, I think, and feeling like belonging

Strangely, I started feeling like I finally belong or I have a community when I became more known as a comedian

I started sharing my feelings more with the people. My family raised me on mind tricks, these mind tricks, you know, yeah

And if you're an immigrant or children of immigrants, you might be able to relate. I had been doing comedy already, but like I never even talked about my mom's schizophrenia

I didn't know how. I truly wish schizophrenia had a more approachable name. You know, something like Splash Mountain, you know

You do all these things. You tiptoe around. You're afraid to be the thing that you actually are

because if you're not accepted for who you actually are, then shoot, it's like, that's all you had

So sometimes you arrive at that last. It's weird that I had to open myself up so much

I found comedy. I became an entertainer to be able to finally feel like I belong