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How not to be controlling in a relationship, and how to have better control of your emotions and be happy is something a lot of people struggle with. How to stop being controlling or how to be less controlling to your partner may often mean the difference between a healthy, happy and lasting relationship with that one special person you love and a possible break-up, disconnection and often infidelity.
Today we will look at what you can do and how to deal with your own emotions and how to get a better handle on them.
Related article
"16 Ways To Stop Being Controlling In A Relationship"
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0:00
Let me first ease you in by saying that this is a follow-up video to the last one
0:05
Though this time, instead of looking at this issue from the perspective of the abused person
0:10
the victim, or whatever you want to call the person who puts up with a controlling partner in their life
0:15
this time we'll look at it from the perspective of a controlling person
0:19
And I do realize that there are the more extreme cases when people don't want to change
0:26
don't care about changing, don't feel like there's a need for that
0:29
or they straight up relish the power that their controlling nature gives them, those kinds of people will never come across this video unless they accidentally stumble across it
0:39
And I have no illusions about that. But if you are someone who actually cares about their partner, the relationship
0:46
whether it's your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your spouse, if you love them and you feel like your controlling behavior is slowly eating away at the love that you have for each other
0:55
this video is for you. Now, if humans are capable of just one thing, it would be their capacity for change, self-reflection and self-improvement
1:05
So let me ask you this. Do you find yourself constantly trying to control what your partner does, how they do something, when they're doing it, or do you disagree with the way they're doing
1:19
Do you get upset or even angry if things are not done specifically how you want them done
1:25
And now tell me this. Is this behavior undermining or destroying your relationship
1:32
Do you feel like this has some kind of negative effect on your love? And since you are still here, I'm sure you want to change this behavior and grow as a person
1:41
Am I right? Now, well, trust me, you're not alone. You're not alone at this at all
1:47
There are many people who struggle with insecurities, jealousy, anger and the control of their partners
1:52
Such a person may find the difficult to maintain relationships. and friendships because people generally don't want to be micromanaged
2:00
It feels stressful, oppressive, and approaches the line of abusive behavior that no one should
2:07
have to put up with. But this type of behavior doesn't always manifest as just being controlling
2:13
It can take up forms of excessive warning, constant offering of unsolicited advice, meddling
2:20
or trying to fix problems they see around themselves. So let's say this is you. How do you stop being controlling in a relationship? How do you stop feeling so stress
2:30
Anxious and worried and angry all the time. First, you need to identify where your need for control comes from
2:38
The need for control often stems from different types of anxiety and fear. You may find that your need for control has nothing to do with what I've already mentioned and that your need for control is simply a misunderstood need for control
2:53
of your own emotions and your own anger. So let's start with something more simple and let me ask you this
2:59
Do you often get upset, emotional or angry about things? Do you often fly off the handle and since your partner is the closest person in your life
3:08
and self-reflection is not your strongest? So do you feel like they are the source of your inner anxiety and anger
3:16
Do you feel like that is something you need to control to achieve inner peace
3:22
Well you may instead want to start considering a few simpler reasons first such as your health It may be that your health is not up to spec and you need a thorough checkup There may be many things physically that cause you that initial spark the rapid irritability
3:40
and anger that has nothing to do with how your partner acts, but instead with how you feel personally
3:47
Secondly, this will sound funny, but you may just be hungry. I mean, there's a reason why someone combined angry and hungry into hungry
3:56
So think hard about what you. eat during the day. If you sum it up and you tell me that you skip your breakfast, then
4:03
you have a couple of balls of salad or rice dishes for the rest of the day, coupled with
4:07
bunch of coffees to get you through your busy life, busy schedule, it may be that
4:12
you're literally just starving yourself to death. Then you'll say, but Ivan, I'm not hungry
4:17
I'm not telling you to go on a gourmet dinner, just fuel their body. It's a super complex
4:23
biological machine that needs fuel. Another reason why you may be trying to control others
4:28
is because you want them to fall into predictable patterns and behaviors
4:32
so there are no unexpected surprises and deviations from what you expect from them
4:37
You may have hard time with this disruptions because your mind is just constantly working in overdrive
4:43
to head off any potential problems. And one way you think this will help to cope with this sort of problem is to get things done
4:52
your way. You feel stressed about them. Obviously, you feel like you are the right person to know
4:58
how to deal with it, correct? So you may to try to influence and control the behavior of the people around you
5:04
so that all of your relationships and the behavior of people around you are predictable. There are no
5:11
unexpected surprises. You don't want that. As long as you have the control, there can be no
5:17
reasons or fuel for your anxious thoughts. Obviously, the reality is rarely that simple. People around
5:24
you are not puppets, and most often they're not, they have their own thoughts, and
5:28
and ideas about how things should be done. And not only that, today, they may even like to follow the ideas of social influencers
5:37
or whoever else they currently follow on Twitter or Instagram. But I get it
5:43
There are times when your partner, friends and family may actually contribute to your anxiety
5:48
by being incapable, faking in capability, or straight up offloading the responsibilities
5:54
onto the controlling person in their life. you. In turn, you then feel like you actually have to take control since the whole weight of
6:04
responsibility is shifted to you and after all, someone has to take control because without
6:10
someone taking action and conducting that chaos, nothing would ever get done. So yeah
6:17
indecisive people can definitely contribute to that. It's kind of like when my wife straight up
6:21
refuses to make decisions about what we eat, what or do, but those are simple things. That is
6:27
simply a case of relinquishing control for the sake of convenience. Still, controlling behavior
6:33
can come from much deeper places too. It's not unusual for people who had a hard upbringing
6:41
to develop controlling tendencies and anxiety about maintaining their life. And there are a variety
6:47
of reasons that people become or are controlling. So to kick it off with a few simple solutions
6:54
Let's first try to find a way to trust your partner. Relationships with no trust are doomed to fail eventually Perhaps you have a fear of abandonment due to an ex suddenly leaving you for someone else or from a parent leaving you when you were a child
7:15
Perhaps you're extremely jealous of every other person in your partner's life regardless of
7:21
who they are or what gender they are. Maybe your ex cheated or flirted with everyone other than you
7:29
Now, you kept comparing yourself to everyone else and you never felt like you could measure up
7:36
to whoever they are. You withdrew, got distance and the love just dwindled into nothing
7:44
until your relationship was no more. Even if your trust issues stem from past experiences
7:50
you will have to work with your current partner to overcome them. Hell, you will have to work on
7:54
it yourself. Stop comparing yourself. You can never be the best at everything
7:59
just like you can never be worse at everything. There will always be aspects to other people that you feel are better than you
8:07
but I guarantee you that they will not be better at everything. Not to mention a variety of hidden issues that other people may actually have
8:15
whether it's physical or psychological. There's no perfect individual. So stop snooping on your partner, checking on their phone or where they are
8:25
what they do and who they do it with. Instead, focus on things that you have
8:29
and try to improve them. They are with you, after all, so don't waste it
8:35
Don't turn your fears into self-fulfilling prophecy. Learn to trust them and work on things that you can control
8:44
Work on the relationship they already had so they can grow. I mean, seriously, why would your partner even be interested in anybody else
8:52
if they are serious with you and they're happy with you? So think about your partner's needs
8:57
When you're in a controlling mindset, you have to ask your... whose needs you are really thinking about. Give yourself a moment to reflect on a situation
9:06
and you'll often find that it's actually your own personal needs that you are most
9:12
concerned with, not your partners. You have to find a way to make both of you happy
9:17
wherever possible because they are an equal partner in a relationship that you
9:22
share. They deserve to have their desires met just like you. You won't always
9:28
agree and that's perfectly normal. A prime example of this would be a case of married couples
9:33
with kids, which is one of the top reasons married couples often split up. Usually disagreements
9:40
about parenting styles. Isn't they ironic? But this is exactly what it's all about. It's about
9:46
a compromise. Every single relationship is always about compromise. So let your partner express
9:54
their opinion. Consider it and ask yourself whether their opinion should take priority instead
10:00
of yours. Sometimes you have to put your partner first. Obviously one of the major parts of this
10:06
is to remain rational about their needs and preferences rather than letting your emotional side
10:12
of the chain. Otherwise you could very quickly slip into another problem and that is judging your
10:19
partner. Your insecurities may be made worse when you judge your partner for things
10:24
things they do or do not. This is because every time you judge them, you may be actually
10:30
judging yourself too Doubly so When you focus on what you see as someone else flaws you give your mind permission to reflect on your own flaws too So address those insecurities that may be contributing to such behavior and manage your stress
10:46
in healthy ways. Appreciate the differences between you and your partner. You are not your partner
10:53
Your partner is not you. They aren't going to look at life through your eyes. They will have
10:58
their own thoughts, opinions, preferences and beliefs about life and how it should be conducted
11:05
learn to accept and celebrate these differences, you can start to better understand and appreciate
11:12
what you both bring into the relationship. A healthy relationship includes respect for personal
11:19
flaws and quirks just as much as it honors their more positive qualities and abilities. By accepting
11:26
those differences, you can demonstrate that you respect and value your partner instead of trying
11:31
to dictate how they perceive or move through life. Always remember that you cannot change your partner into a person you want them to be
11:42
They are who they are. I mean, if you didn't like it, you wouldn't be with them in the first place
11:47
And when you can accept them for who they are, you open up to self-acceptance of who you
11:53
actually are and to your own flaws and all. This in itself can be liberating and help you to lower your
12:01
need for control. And that's always a good thing. And finally, talk to someone, talk to a professional
12:08
Sometimes it can be hard to figure things out on your own and to find what is actually wrong with you
12:14
I mean, what have you got to lose? Do you want to risk being unhappy and suffering for the
12:19
next 10 years before you finally get to the bottom of your problem? Plus, if you do have a lot of
12:25
excessive emotions, it's really hard on you. Psychophysiologically, because you produce a lot of excess negative emotions. It's really hard on you. Psychophysiologically. Because you produce a lot of you
12:31
a lot of stress hormones, and that literally makes you old. So essentially that is bad for you
12:37
physically too. Having dysregulated emotions that you have no control over is no picnic. It's really
12:45
hard on you, not just on you actually, but on people around you. So if you think that's you
12:52
don't waste years struggling through it on your own. I mean, this is one of the reasons we started
12:58
offering people help through relationship here, because time is thinking. and the longer it takes you to find solutions to your problems, the longer you suffer
13:06
and those around you. It can be so simple. All from comfort of your home
13:12
Literally anywhere, since these consultations are not only 100% private and confidential
13:19
you can literally do them from anywhere these days. You have phone, you have internet
13:24
There are so many options. So this is where I leave you. I hope this episode was helpful and made you think about a few things
13:31
and perhaps even gave you an idea for a solution. If you want to reach out, write to us in a comment below
13:37
or respond to us in our community tab or even better. Visit our website, our forum, our Facebook page
13:45
and share your thoughts, get in touch with the community. There are many ways you can find us
13:51
and will always be there to help you the best we can. Okay? And until next time, bye
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