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Children's Conflict in the Cancer Care (Why and How to Resolve it?)
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Aug 1, 2025
This episode explores the complexities of family conflict that often arise when an elder receives a cancer diagnosis, exemplified by Eleanor and her children. It explains how pre-existing family dynamics, differing views on "quality of life," and poor communication contribute to these disagreements. The podcast then outlines various strategies for resolution, including the use of facilitated family meetings, the integral role of palliative and hospice care teams in managing symptoms and guiding discussions, and the paramount importance of respecting patient autonomy through advance care planning. Ultimately, the podcast advocates for shared responsibilities and a collaborative approach to ensure the patient's well-being and preserve family relationships during a challenging time. Connect with me via LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/arminshahrokni?utm_source=share&utm_campaign=share_via&utm_content=profile&utm_medium=android_app X https://x.com/GeriOncologist?t=QMpM6F9KTB9_2W66OiEOzw&s=09 Instagram https://www.instagram.com/aging_cancer/profilecard/?igsh=MXI3eTBieTNhNjJucg== Google Scholar https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C33&q=armin+shahrokni+&btnG=
View Video Transcript
0:00
Imagine
0:05
this scene. A parent, let's call her
0:08
Eleanor, gets a really tough cancer
0:10
diagnosis. Suddenly, you know, the
0:13
family home feels less like a safe space
0:15
and more like a well, a quiet
0:18
battlefield.
0:19
Yeah.
0:19
Her kids, David, Sarah, Michael, they
0:22
all think they know what's best, but
0:23
they're pulling in completely different
0:25
directions. It's It's painful to watch.
0:28
It really is. And often what gets missed
0:30
is that it's not just about the
0:31
medicine, is it?
0:32
No, not at all.
0:33
It digs much deeper Yeah.
0:34
into long-held beliefs, maybe old family
0:37
hurts, and just that raw, overwhelming
0:40
fear of losing someone you love.
0:42
Exactly. So, our mission today in this
0:44
deep dive is really to give you a kind
0:46
of shortcut to understanding why these
0:48
clashes happen when a loved one is sick
0:50
and maybe more importantly, how you can
0:52
start to navigate them,
0:54
which is so vital. I mean, for the
0:55
patient's well-being, obviously, but
0:57
also just for holding the family
0:59
together when you need each other most,
1:00
right? And that's why we want you to
1:01
lean into this deep dive. We're trying
1:03
to go beyond that surface advice, you
1:05
know?
1:05
Uhhuh.
1:06
Just talk more.
1:07
Yeah. That doesn't always cut it.
1:08
We're going to try and peel back the
1:10
layers, the stuff you don't always see,
1:12
and hopefully offer some insights that
1:14
might really shift how you think about
1:16
well, quality of life when these
1:19
impossible choices come up.
1:21
So, let's start peeling that first
1:23
layer. When you see a family like
1:25
Eleanor struggling, it feels sudden.
1:29
Maybe
1:30
it it can seem that way.
1:31
But what the research often shows is
1:32
that the old family dynamics, those
1:34
childhood roles, they just get amplified
1:37
massively.
1:38
Oh, absolutely. Magnified under stress.
1:40
Think about someone like David, the one
1:41
who often becomes the main caregiver.
1:43
Okay.
1:44
He's juggling the dayto-day, the
1:46
appointments, the emotional toll. What
1:48
does that often lead to?
1:49
Burnout, resentment, maybe.
1:51
Exactly. Severe burnout. And yeah, often
1:54
resentment, especially if he feels like
1:55
his siblings aren't really, you know,
1:57
pulling their weight.
1:58
Okay, so what about Sarah, the one who
2:00
lives further away?
2:01
Well, for Sarah, that distance can
2:03
create this deep sense of guilt.
2:05
Yeah.
2:05
And sometimes she might try to make up
2:07
for it by becoming this really forceful
2:09
advocate for a certain approach.
2:11
Okay.
2:11
She might even see David's very hands-on
2:14
care as, I don't know, maybe controlling
2:17
or maybe not focused enough on their
2:19
mom's immediate comfort.
2:21
And Michael,
2:22
Mhm. the middle child maybe. Where does
2:23
he sit?
2:24
Michael often slips into that
2:25
peacekeeper role, doesn't he?
2:26
He might struggle to voice his own
2:28
opinions because he's afraid of rocking
2:29
the boat, of upsetting that fragile
2:31
balance.
2:31
Oh,
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and what's really key here for you
2:34
listening is how these roles, roles set
2:37
maybe decades ago become so powerful
2:40
now, they make objective decisions
2:43
incredibly difficult. It's not just
2:46
history. It's active in the room.
2:48
So, it's not just about who takes mom to
2:50
the doctor. It sounds like the core
2:52
conflict, as you said, is deeper. It's
2:54
about what doing the right thing even
2:56
means, right?
2:57
That's often the heart of it.
2:58
How do those different views on quality
3:00
of life play out, say, with David
3:01
wanting to maximize time even if
3:03
treatments are tough?
3:04
Well, that's the clash, isn't it? For
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David, maybe maximizing time, fighting
3:09
for every day feels like the only loving
3:11
thing to do. It's about extending life.
3:13
But for Sarah, quality of life might
3:15
mean something totally different. It
3:17
could be about Eleanor's comfort now,
3:19
enjoying small things, a peaceful day
3:22
maybe over another round of chemo that
3:24
makes her miserable.
3:25
So minimizing suffering, preserving
3:27
dignity.
3:28
Exactly. And the crucial thing to grasp
3:30
is that quality of life isn't some fixed
3:32
definition. It's deeply personal. And
3:34
those differences, they're often the
3:36
real engine of the conflict.
3:38
And they're tied to values, maybe past
3:40
experiences.
3:41
Absolutely. Past losses, how they've
3:43
seen others cope with illness. These
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views aren't easily changed because
3:47
they're rooted so deep.
3:48
Okay, so we've got these ingrained
3:50
roles, clashing ideas of what's good and
3:53
then the silence. I can almost feel the
3:56
tension in Elanor's living room. You
3:57
know, the things not being said,
3:59
the unspoken stuff.
4:01
David maybe quietly fuming about Sarah's
4:03
absence. Sarah judging David's approach
4:06
from afar. Michael just trying not to
4:08
make waves.
4:09
You've really hit on a critical point
4:11
there. That lack of open, honest talk.
4:13
It's like fertile ground for assumptions
4:15
and misunderstandings
4:16
and resentment just builds.
4:18
It fers. Exactly. And think about the
4:20
unspoken expectations. Who's supposed to
4:22
do what? Who gets the final say? How are
4:25
we even allowed to grieve or show fear?
4:27
Right. Everyone has their own script in
4:29
their head.
4:30
Precisely. And when those scripts clash
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and nobody talks about them, conflict
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isn't just possible, it's almost
4:37
guaranteed.
4:38
Okay. So if these hidden dynamics, these
4:41
unspoken things are the why,
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how do we actually start to fix it, what
4:47
are the steps to move past this
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communication breakdown.
4:50
Well, moving beyond it,
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family meetings always come up, but you
4:53
mentioned skillful facilitation is key.
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Absolutely critical. Just getting
4:56
everyone in a room isn't enough.
4:58
Sometimes it can even make things worse
5:00
if it's not handled well.
5:01
So, who helps?
5:02
This is where um a professional can be
5:05
invaluable. a mediator maybe or a family
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therapist who really specializes in
5:10
elder care issues.
5:11
How are they different from say just
5:13
talking to a friend?
5:14
Well, they're trained to see those
5:15
underlying family dynamics we talked
5:17
about. They can help people express
5:19
really difficult feelings, fear, anger,
5:22
guilt without it turning into
5:24
accusations. They guide the conversation
5:26
towards understanding. They teach
5:27
practical tools like using eye
5:30
statements.
5:30
Can you give an example?
5:31
Sure. Instead of saying you're just
5:33
making mom suffer with this treatment,
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you'd learn to say something like, "I
5:38
feel really worried and scared when I
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see mom in so much pain after her
5:41
treatment."
5:42
Ah, focuses on your feeling, not
5:44
attacking the other person.
5:46
Exactly. And they foster active
5:48
listening, making sure everyone actually
5:49
feels heard. The aim isn't just talking.
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It's creating a space where empathy can
5:54
actually happen, leading to hopefully
5:57
collaborative problem solving.
5:58
That sounds incredibly useful. And
6:00
another strategy, one that maybe gets
6:02
misunderstood or brought in too late,
6:05
paliotative care and hospice teams.
6:07
Yes, hugely important and often
6:09
misunderstood.
6:10
I think a lot of people hear paliotative
6:11
and think end of life only, but that's
6:14
not quite right, is it?
6:15
Not at all. That's a really common
6:17
misconception. Paliotative care can and
6:19
often should start much earlier at any
6:22
stage of a serious illness. Actually,
6:24
even alongside treatments meant to cure.
6:27
Absolutely. alongside chemo, radiation,
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whatever. These are teams, doctors,
6:32
nurses, social workers, sometimes
6:34
chaplain who are experts in managing
6:36
symptoms, pain, nausea, anxiety,
6:39
shortness of breath.
6:40
Okay. Managing the physical stuff,
6:42
yes, but also the emotional and
6:44
spiritual suffering. And crucially, they
6:46
are skilled at facilitating these really
6:48
complex family conversations we're
6:50
talking about.
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How do they help unite the family? Then
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they bring a neutral, expert
6:55
perspective. They can talk realistically
6:57
about prognosis, about the benefits
6:59
versus the burdens of different
7:01
treatments. But most importantly, they
7:03
help the family shift the focus.
7:05
Shifted at how?
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From what treatment should we choose to
7:08
what does Eleanor value most right now?
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What are her goals for this stage of her
7:12
life?
7:12
Ah, focusing on her goals of care.
7:15
Precisely. And that reframing what does
7:17
mom want her life to look like now can
7:19
often bring family members together
7:21
around a shared purpose, honoring those
7:23
wishes.
7:24
That makes so much sense. It changes the
7:25
whole conversation and hospice care fits
7:27
in here too.
7:28
Yes, hospice is a specific type of
7:30
paliative care. It's for when the focus
7:32
shifts entirely from cure to comfort.
7:34
Usually when the prognosis is about 6
7:36
months or less.
7:37
And you mentioned introducing the idea
7:39
early, not waiting until the last
7:40
minute.
7:41
Ideally, yes. Introducing it not as
7:43
giving up but as another layer of
7:46
specialized support focused purely on
7:48
comfort and quality of life. It allows
7:51
the family and the patient time to
7:52
adjust rather than it feeling like a
7:55
crisis decision.
7:56
It seems less scary that way.
7:57
It can be.
7:58
And all of this palative care, hospice,
8:00
family meetings, it leads back to
8:02
perhaps the most vital point, the
8:04
patients voice. Eleanor's wishes as long
8:06
as she can express them have to be
8:08
paramount,
8:09
right? Patient autonomy. Mhm.
8:11
So if her voice is key, then things like
8:13
advanced care planning must be
8:14
incredibly important. Living wills,
8:16
healthcare, power of attorney.
8:17
Oh, tremendously important. If Elellanor
8:19
has those documents in place, it lifts
8:21
such a huge burden from the children
8:23
because her wishes are clear.
8:24
Exactly. It minimizes guesswork and
8:26
honestly it minimizes conflict. Her
8:28
documented wishes guide the decisions.
8:31
But what if she doesn't have them? Or if
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her ability to decide is fading? That's
8:35
much harder obviously. Then the family,
8:38
ideally guided by whoever she designated
8:40
or who steps up, has to work together.
8:43
They need to try and recall her values.
8:46
What did she always say was important?
8:48
What were her fears about illness or
8:50
dying?
8:51
Trying to honor her spirit, even if the
8:53
specifics aren't written down.
8:54
Yes, exactly. It becomes about
8:56
collectively remembering and trying to
8:58
make the decision she would have made
9:00
based on everything they know about her.
9:02
It requires real empathy and
9:03
collaboration.
9:04
Okay. And one last area the sources
9:06
often touch on is sharing the load,
9:08
right? Getting away from one person like
9:10
David carrying everything.
9:12
Yes. Addressing that caregiver burden
9:14
directly, establishing a more equitable
9:16
way to share responsibilities.
9:17
Does equitable mean equal hours?
9:20
Not necessarily. It's more about equal
9:22
commitment and effort tailored to what
9:24
people can realistically do and what
9:26
their strengths are.
9:27
So, give me an example. Well, maybe
9:28
David continues with the medical
9:30
appointments because he's local and good
9:32
at that. But Sarah could take the lead
9:34
on emotional support, maybe organizing
9:36
video calls with grandkids or
9:38
researching comfort measures.
9:39
And Michael,
9:40
Michael might handle the insurance
9:41
paperwork or manage finances related to
9:44
her care. It's about playing to
9:46
strengths and ensuring everyone
9:48
contributes meaningfully
9:49
and staying connected. Crucial regular
9:51
check-ins, maybe a weekly family call,
9:54
keep everyone in the loop feeling valued
9:56
and prevent that silo effects where one
9:59
person feels alone and resentful. It
10:01
builds that sense of shared ownership.
10:04
So, listening to all this, it's clear
10:05
that tackling these family conflicts
10:07
during something like an elers's cancer
10:09
diagnosis, it's not a quick fix, is it?
10:12
No, definitely not. It's an ongoing
10:14
process. It takes real effort, sustained
10:16
effort, and a whole lot of compassion.
10:17
The goal isn't really to make all
10:19
disagreement vanish.
10:20
I don't think that's realistic or even
10:22
necessary. The goal is more about
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transforming that conflict, moving it
10:25
from destructive arguments to um
10:29
collaborative problem solving.
10:30
Always keeping the focus on the patient
10:33
always centered on their well-being,
10:35
their comfort, their wishes.
10:36
That's the core takeaway then.
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I think so. It's about actively
10:39
listening, really listening, being
10:42
willing to seek professional help when
10:44
you're stuck, understanding and
10:46
embracing things like paliotative care
10:48
earlier, and above all, respecting the
10:52
patients autonomy. If families can do
10:54
that,
10:54
they can navigate it better.
10:55
They can navigate these incredibly tough
10:57
times with more understanding, more
10:58
empathy, and hopefully preserve those
11:01
family bonds that are so vital.
11:02
So, here's something to think about as
11:04
we wrap up. If you were to really apply
11:06
these ideas, truly listening, maybe
11:08
getting help when needed, exploring all
11:10
the care options, and laser focusing on
11:12
what the person who is ill actually
11:14
values, how might that change things,
11:17
not just in a cancer situation, but for
11:19
any major health decision that comes up
11:22
in your family? How could it strengthen
11:24
those connections when you need them
11:25
most?
#Aging & Geriatrics
#Cancer
#Troubled Relationships